I am bitter, burnt-out and feeling trapped.

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My dad died long ago and I have long been my mother's go-to. She heavily depends on me now in her late 90s, more than ever. I have my own health issues, am single, thus my own struggles with household, etc. My much younger siblings with spouses don't do their fair share with Mom, even though they live much closer to her. One lives 8 minutes away, the other 12 minutes and I am 35 minutes away, plus I have vestibular problems and need my daughter to drive me! Yet, Mom depends on me for ALL her business and more, making it a huge challenge since she insists on being totally involved and misplaces everything!!!! It always produces anger. In addition, my daughter and I clean, do her laundry, manage her heath and make sure everything in her household is going as should be for her! She coddles my sister and brother. When they visit, it is a pleasant social thing for them and Mom. I scheduled a 10 day vacation and just heard that my sister, who knew my dates, planned theirs of over 6-8 weeks going through my 10 days! Who will be there for Mom?! Will I have to cancel mine? If I don't, I will be worried about Mom. No matter what I say to my siblings, they do their own thing. This is affecting me immensely and talking to Mom does no good. I feel trapped and angry. I am the executor and when the time comes, I was not going to draw any money for any work connected with Mom on all her business, but now I am reconsidering as it seems it is my only recourse of "payback" to my inconsiderate siblings. I did not want to go this far but don't know what else to do. My quality of life is poor and it adds to my health problems. They do not want to listen to me. Any suggestions?


1) hire respite care for mother, with her money, for your vacation. Do it!
2) draw up an agreement with your mother for getting paid. That is the only fair way to handle it. Don't think that just because you are executor that you can assign yourself money when she dies -- unless she has specified that in her will
Your mother is not doing this without your consent. Your siblings are not doing this without your consent. Do you have a Power of Attorney for your mother? I know it would take incredible courage to stand up to them at this point but you could do it for your daughter if you won't do it for yourself. This does not have to continue.
Dear Burntout,

I'm so sorry to hear how you feel. I know there is a lot on your shoulders. And its only normal to feel this way given how much you are doing and there is no support from your siblings. I know everything is easier said then done. But I would give up on the idea of counting on your siblings. Instead I would seek out any and all community supports. I know it can sometimes feel hopeless. But don't give up on yourself or your mom. There is help. Talk to therapist, counselor or social worker. Explore all your options. You don't have to keep feeling this way. Its hard when the parents get into their 90s, maybe it is time to look at assisted living or a nursing home. You need to look after yourself as well.
This might sound harsh but you are doing this to yourself. Make a list of what you do for your mom - cross out 1/2 of it. Then take what is left and cross out 1/2 of that. Pick one day a week for a couple of hours - do what you are willing to do and that is it! She cannot make you her slave without your consent. Quit. Take your vacation. Stop doing her housework. She can pay for the services of a cleaner, grocery delivery, meals on wheels. Q U I T!!!!
I agree with all of these comments. If your mother has the money, use it for house cleaning services, food preparation/delivery, transportation for doctor appointments and shopping. Definitely write an agreement for you to be paid for your work (I highly recommend seeking legal counsel before writing it and signing it). If you have power of attorney, you could take care of her bill paying, financial accounts, online without going to her house. You can even have her utility bills delivered to you, or take care of them online. Hire respite care and go on vacation. I've learned the hard way not to expect any help from my sibling or extended family. The work-around is to hire the help. Good luck!
Burntout, wow regarding the vacation issue. That is just so inconsiderate of your sister.

I agree with the recommendation from jeannegibbs! Definitely get respite care. I did it earlier this year and it was the best thing! Most AL facilities offer short term respite stays.

As for your family, can't make them do a thing! I had the same thing happen to me with my three brother and I will not forget what they have NOT done.

Now you just have to do the best for you and your daughter. If she has the funds I would recommending AL also. My mother is moving into one next month. One warning, even though she has been frustrating and ungrateful for what I have done for her I still felt a little guilt about sending her at first, but now I realize it will be the best thing for both of us. I figured I would just mention that so you are prepared if you do decide to go that route. 

You take that vaacay girl!! You told sis when you are going first.. so remind her of that and ask how SHE is going to handle it... And turn your phone off while you are gone, check it once or twice a day and try to relax. Hard I know.. but if you don;t stand up for yourself once in awhile this will continue. They do thier own thing,, now you do yours, Good luck!

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