It's been a month since my dad died.....

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I thought going back to work would be difficult, having to take care of other people's fathers, but it's been a welcome diversion. It's the only time other than when I'm sleeping when my dad doesn't cross my mind.

But then I get home and the loss hits me all over again. I miss him so much. I miss his voice and his positive attitude. If I allow myself to ruminate on the years he lived with us I miss seeing him oh-so-carefully walking down the assistive steps to the BBQ even though when he BBQ'd, which he loved to do, it was more work for me. He was out at the grill 8 weeks after a heart attack! The man was a horse!

Every night I tell him out loud how much I miss him and I pray that I/we did right by him towards the end. I don't really have any guilt or regrets but I replay his last 4 days in my mind. He went through such hell and I was a whirling dervish, constantly on the phone with hospice or the NH, trying to ensure he was getting the care he needed.

Because he was an agnostic I wonder where his spirit is. This crosses my mind every night. He was the best man I knew and he deserves to be in Heaven but he didn't believe in that stuff. So I wonder. Can he hear me? Does he know how much I miss him and what a void his death left me with? The void. I didn't anticipate it being quite as big but it's a hole I can feel in my chest and it hurts.

Last night I had the craziest thought. Toward the end of his life I would call the NH every night to see how he did after I left and last night I thought, "I need to call and check on dad." It was such a brief thought that took me totally by surprise.

He loved living with us. Loved the house. Loved his room and his place at the island. Loved being with us. And while being a 24/7 caregiver was so difficult he wasn't difficult at all. HE was easier to live with than I was! I read so many horror stories here about an elderly parent being abusive or narcissistic or difficult. My dad was none of these things. He was jolly and happy and sweet. Even his last conscious day, he clung to me as a child would cling to its mother. He was so scared of the hallucinations and didn't trust anyone but me. It's this memory that's the freshest. I try to remember other things about him but I still see him 4 days before he died, so sick and out of his mind from the encephalopathy.

I have faith that in time the pain will lessen. It has to. It's only been a month. But I miss him more than I thought was possible.

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Eyerishlass, you are one sweet daughter. Your dad deserves accolades for raising such a thoughtful, loving lady. I know you miss him, you always will. He made his mark on your life and no matter where he is, he will live forever in your heart.
A few months after my dad died, I had a dream about him. He was whole again, handsome as ever, sweet smile on his face and he said "don't worry about me sweetie, I'm fine". Wishful thinking? Really him? Who knows but it eased my pain and that is all that mattered. After all these years, I still think about dad every day and I miss him like crazy. I always will.
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Having lost my son who had never believed in God...I like to think he gives you one last chance. He shows his face and says " Can ya hear me now? " Gives a booming laugh.....then opens his arms to you.
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ChristineW -
I'm just commenting on the diversity of religious opinion that can exist within a single person.

Even the Pope now says that atheists can do good things. Believers know their beliefs are correct. So do atheists. No point in arguing about it.
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Cap'nHard***, you weren't a jerk at all. I'm glad you commented. :-)
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Captain.....you never fail to disappoint with your posts!! I'm a fan.....
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sorry bout being a jerk on your thread eyerish. i think your a great person as youve proven by your actions for many years. a jerk has to exist somewhere. we need real estate like any other creature.
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May l suggest a book? "Sarah and the Foreverness of Friends of a Feather" by Esther & Jerry Hicks (see amazon.com - there are other Sarah books but this is the first). I has the look of a children's book but it isn't. Good reading!
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Eyerishlass.....no one really knows what goes through the mind of someone who is in the final stages of dying.....In his final moments, he may have made peace with his doubts about God, n that will forever be only for dad to know....My dad has always drilled to all of his kids that he was an atheist....n nothing would ever change his mind.....Then he became ill, lost control, n began re-thinking his faith....It has been a beautiful thing to witness...He's scared, n he has found a new
outlook on the after life.....I don't discuss religion, becuz it's a very personal subject for each individual.....But I did want to say this ..Your post was a beautiful way of honoring your father.....n you can be sure that he knows that, n must be extremely proud that you were his daughter ....n must be so proud of you n the incredible way that you cared for him in his final days.....Don't be worried, Eyerishlass.....Your father is in a beautiful place, because he was a beautiful man.....Have no regrets about the way you cared for him....you were a wonderful daughter....Be easy on yourself......it's only been a month, but know in your heart n soul.......you did a beautiful job as a daughter.....God Bless you n your path to healing.....Dad is always with you....in everything you do......I'll be praying for you n you'll be in my thoughts, everyday.....Take care....stay strong... Much love...Beck
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Cap, you can ride your Harley in the stars and pop a wheelie thru heaven 's gate.
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lol. i hope my grandpa with the 4 inch long nose hairs has my dad cornered up there somewhere spinning him a yarn that will literally never end. man thats cosmic justice..
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