I am at my wits and cannot breath!


The mnl and I had a couple of good days and I thanked the Lord for those blessing. However, I kept smelling pee in her room and asked her about a big cup that she had where she had pee in it than going about 10steps toward bathroom. I asked her why she done that and she said, "She didn't feel like going to the bathroom." Are u freaking kidding me! I didn't say that but gee! I told her she couldn't be doing that and the bathroom is not that far from her bedroom. I had hubby put in a hall light and we leave the bathroom light on all night for her too. i never told him about that incident. Anyway, I kept spelling piss in the bedroom and finally found that same cup hidden behind the bed against the wall. it was moldy and you can tell that it was full and the rest must had been spilled while she was putting it back their. To me that is just pure laziness. I did ask her why n she stated, "She didn't won't to wake anyone up." Are u kidding me. I asked her how that going to wake us up for we all go in middle of night. So, then she said, "well, someone was in the bathroom." So I told her next time if someone is in their just knock on door n let the person know u got go and that person could hurry up and get out. She only has mild AZ which I think its moderate but sometimes it seems she is just lazy. She has nothing wrong with her except AZ and this is suppose to be mild according to her doctor? She lies to him and I really don't think he even keeps tab on her AZ. As long as she is taking her meds then he is fine with her. She has Medicare and she really don't need any assistance with physical assistance such as bathroom nor eating. i do get her tub ready and check on her and cook all meals. I finally let hubby know what had happen with the cup deal and we took all stuff that look like it could hold pee n got rid of it. he confronted her about the problem and it winding up in a yelling as it did with me as well for she would not get out of my way while I was cleaning pee off the wall and carpet. She will get in my face and buck up to me and that is really irritating to me. I do tell her to get out of my face about five times before she actually does so i can get away. Hubby told her that she was going have to go in a NH if I his wife could not handle her. I kind of wish he didn't say that to her. He works full time and I know he has a lot of things on him for he will be retiring in few years and he knows my health, his mom and his is not that great. He is bit stress too. I told him I need a day off and he we need to get someone to come in at least once a wk so she can get use to them as the AZ goes into the other stage and she will hopefully feel comfortable with that person. I know Medicare don't pay for Respite care and I guess he going to give me a one day of the weekend off and we all can do something on the other day.Right now I am at my ends wits and feel like I cannot breath and feel like a prisoner in my own house sometimes. I'm going to try and get her out of house and we can get some flowers and maybe she will take some sort of activity in the flower garden. No she don't read even though she can, don't do cross word puzzle except once in blue moon, no coloring nor socialize with any friends and no relatives that we can trust. Just me! I just needed to vent......I did called my brother yesterday and vented to him for about an hour. I felt bad that I called him and just complained but he said no problem. Still i feel bad that I did it but feel good at the same time. Confused and losing my wits!

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Sorry lildeb. My mother is confrontational and manipulative, but suffering from slow pulmonary disease, which is not pleasant any way you look at it. I feel like have no where to go too, but it's not true when I get a hold of my emotions. Blessings to you.

I am sorry, lildeb, if I sounded accusatory. I KNOW how exasperating this can be and how easy it is to wind up in a shouting match. It doesn't start out as a power struggle, but when you mentioned your MIL in your face that is what I was picturing it. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. None of it. The goal is to handle these things (and I'm afraid there is more to come) with the least stress to all concerned. I didn't mean for my suggestions to sound like blame. And I know you didn't make her use a cup -- that was her idea and it was not appropriate. I was trying to think up what would be more appropriate, because it sounded like she continued to use some kind of cup and then hid it, making matters even worse.

Her primary care doctor is probably going to continue to be happy if she takes her medicine and has good labs. You are the one living with her. You are the one seeing her behavior. She has dementia and she is doing weird things. And her explanations don't make sense. ("I didn't feel like going into the bathroom" -- huh?)

Understand that dementia is very hard to diagnose exactly, and the exact kind(s) of dementia someone has can only be confirmed after death by brain autopsy. So maybe MIL has AZ and maybe she has AZ and also some other kind of dementia or some other kind of dementia instead of AZ. I'm sorry to say that you cannot look at a list of typical "mild" or "moderate" or "stage 3" behaviors and match them up to a particular individual. It definitely sounds like MIL has some kind of dementia and this is one manifestation of it.

Again, I am sorry to have come across as criticizing. My husband developed dementia almost nine years ago and he is still living at home. I know how very hard this is and the last thing we need is blame and criticism. We are all doing the best we can. My sincere best wishes as you struggle with the challenges of caring for someone with dementia.

Lildeb, by no means was Jeannie implying you MADE her use the cup... I know you are very tired, very frustrated, and in desperate need of a break... when we get this tired, and I have been there many times, It is hard for me to hear what others have to say. I take it is criticizm when it was nothing of the kind... so please try to take a deep breath, you are so tired and worn out... and my heart goes out to you.... People with Alz have all kinds of fears that they don't tell us about, it comes with observation... Sonny can not stand to be outside when the wind is blowing, Ruth was the same way, and Ruth had a terror of the shower... it's the noise, being confined, so please don't dismiss our concern or our hints .... this is the toughest job you will ever do... Our heart goes out to you, maybe when you have had a good nights rest you can reread our comments and see no one was criticizing you in any way...Please check into getting you some help, we ALL have to have a break, we would loose our sanity if not... let us know how you are... hugs...

bedside commode!!!

As for the part you mention about, "(And definitely not by yelling at her and turning it into a power struggle."
I did not think that me at my ends wits yelling was a power struggle. I look at it as I am at a loss that I don't know what to do at the moment and i am learning and doing the best I know how. As for hubby it may have seem as a power struggle and i have talked to him and he is still in denial of what his mom can and cannot do as for mild to moderate AZ and it is his only mom that he has left for he lost his dad at an early age due to lung cancer. She is only at the mild-moderate stage of AZ and their has been no problem except one time before with the bathroom deal. Her first time excuse back then was that, "I didn't feel like walking to the bathroom." To me that is laziness! Sorry if i think that way but that is what came out of her mouth. This time she seem to make up excuses and maybe it is due to AZ for I don't know for sure.

As for your part of saying that, "I would try a bedside commode. It allows her to avoid the bathroom during the night, but provides a far more appropriate recepticle than a large cup!"
I don't need someone on here making it sounds as if I MADE HER USE A FREAKING CUP for she may be too scare to go to the bathroom! For that is what it sounds like that is coming from you when you say it like that in so many words.

She never mention any fear or scared of the bathroom before or even now when I try to talk to her before it winding up in a screaming match and that was for the lame excuse that she did not feel like going to bathroom.
I have already been through some tough times as for the bumpy road with her and I have cleaned areas that I never thought I would have to look at like the Gee gee area from her cancer surgery which thank the Lord it was in the early phase and all gone. I had no problem helping her with that area for I knew she could not do it herself. As for the bathroom deal, I m not so sure about that just yet is the AZ. As for a toilet next to her bed, I don't see giving me any extra cleaning work than what I already have Unless, she starts peeing on the floor then I think I will have to go get the toilet next to the bed. She has only been diagnose with AZ this past year so she may had it for about 1.5 years.
I appreciate what you are saying but some of it sounds a bit harsh from you as if is my fault or our fault for her doing what she done for she has AZ and I don't feel that way and especially since this is suppose to be the early phase of AZ. I could be wrong for I am new at this AZ care-taking.
As for the help advice,
Hubby and I have discuss about getting someone from Area Aging Agency to come out and she only has Medicare and she don't qualify for Medicaid due to property. But right now it is only talk with the hubby but, that is a step forward. I did have someone tell me and it was not from here that, I may wish to write all the stuff she does and her good and bad time of the day and show it to her dr so he he that can be aware of some of her changes for I don't think that her primary care clinic doctor see that she has went from Mild to Moderate in the stages according to some of the signs on AZ org website. I think he is happy as long as she is taking her medicine and if her labs look good that, he is A okay.

You poor thing. Please accept a hug and a back rub. This is soooo hard!

First, it MIGHT help to accept that this behavior is the dementia. Definitely. It is not laziness. It is not willfulness. It is plaques and tangles in the brain scrambling basic signals. Whatever her fear of the bathroom is, it is not rational and is not likely to be cured by reasoning with her. (And definitely not by yelling at her and turning it into a power struggle.) I would try a bedside commode. It allows her to avoid the bathroom during the night, but provides a far more appropriate recepticle than a large cup! Large drugstore chains and medical supply stores carry these, from about $60 on up.

Have you applied for Medicaid or other programs for your MIL? You definitely need some help. There are programs specifically to help keep elders in the community. Take advantage of whatever might be available now, and also be prepared for the possibility down the road that she will need placement, by contacting Social Services for an evaluation and to learn about options.

Alzheimer's, like other dementias, progresses. It gets worse over time, usually in bits and pieces, not in clearly recognizable "stages." You are now dealing with one piece that is haywire. There will be others. Try to establish some ways of dealing with these issues that will be less stressful to the three of you.

And get some help!

Hugs again. You are on a very bumpy road!

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