Vent - at the end of my rope!

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At the beginning of this week there was a government inspector at the nursing home to ensure everyone was receiving proper care. When the woman asked my mother if she had any concerns she said yes, she didn't know where the money from her house sale went (18 months ago and she was kept informed every step of the way but she wasn't so looney tunes then) so I got hauled down there to provide paperwork like a common criminal. I met with my mother and the EA, produced all the numbers and she was satisfied. She then went on for 2 hours about staff not running fast enough when she snapped her fingers, how she wanted to sleep in and have breakfast served when she woke up, how I'd sold her house in 2 days once she was out of it, the loss of her furniture - me, me, me, I want, I want, I want, wah, wah, wah.

I thought that was the end of it but today the NH director called me and said the government wasn't satisfied and wanted copies of the paperwork as they thought I was committing financial abuse and spending her money. I was totally floored. The NH, family run for over 100 years, has never experienced anything like the witch and never been under scrutiny by the government and they're freaking out. They want me to run down there asap so they can make copies of the paperwork.

I shredded the house sale papers (shred all flyers etc for compost) as it was gone and done but I can get a statement of adjustments and statement of receipts and expenditures from my lawyer and that I will do. I will call my lawyer tomorrow and make an appointment to see him Monday and get some advice on the situation - he does a lot of estate work. Yep, I guess I have to "lawyer up" because who knows what that witch has up her sleeve to destroy me more than she already has and the fact that her brain is 75% fried due to strokes makes her even more dangerous.

The NH director spoke with her today and, when asked, no she didn't think I was stealing her money but, a life long narcissist, she's loving all the attention.

As you know, I gave up a highrise condo overlooking the lake in Toronto, my furniture and a $60,000 a year job to live in her freezing, gloomy basement to care for her 24/7/365 for four h***ish years with no income at all, purely out of duty as she's been the mother from h*** life long. I came to Canada in 75 with a job, 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week. I worked hard, often 2 jobs, to build a life but she destroyed it. A life long narcissist, she is all that matters and screw anyone else.

When my mother's house sold she gave me half of the proceeds and I invested the rest for her. We'd pooled our resources and made investments joint to avoid tax on her passing. With my half I bought this little place, in deplorable condition, for less than "my half" and spent the balance on starting renovations. It's not done yet and I don't have a shower so I wash down and make do.

I have POA. There was money in ING and TD. TD is now an hour's drive in either direction so I've been gradually changing over to BMO which has a branch in the village. Right now there's $xxx,000 in BMO and another $xxx,000 to come out of TD this year..$65,000 of that is my RRSP but that still leaves Madam $xxx,000 plus her pension.

I am totally distraught. I will get this sorted once and for all and once it's sorted I will continue to preserve her money and pay her bills but I'm done. Running down there with cookies, chocolates, flowers, new clothes? I think not! It is so totally over. If I'm lucky I may have 10 years left and it's mine!

I am so down and distraught but only I can climb out of this big black hole and I will, I always have. Thank Dog for my precious dogs. Without them I likely would have ended it all long ago - yup, when Cody died I had nothing left and actually considered suicide as a way to get away from the witch.

When I was about 6 the witch knocked me about, cracked my head open and put me in a hospital - it never got better after that and I spent a lifetime avoiding her. I've done all I can for her, gone above and beyond out of duty, but it's over. One thing I can't decide once this is dealt with, whether to take her to task or just stay away and ignore.

There's nothing any of you can do but thank you for listening,

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Well I went to my lawyer today and got copies of the house sale closing papers - including investments with her bank that pretty much total the proceeds from the house, even though it was in our joint names. I also showed him my financial situation, which is more than healthy, though I won't give the government that - none of their business. Then I thought, well let's get this over with, and went to the NH to meet with the director and social worker (who I'd never met but had a long telcon this morning) and gave them the paperwork. We chatted for a long time.

The social worker says she keeps trying to engage my mother in conversation but gets rebuffed "and shut my door on your way out". The paperwork I've provided is more than sufficient to allay fears of financial abuse but, at our meeting, I was asked thart if the government asked for it would I provide my mother's bank statements to her every month. Of course I would but, if it comes to that, again being treated like a criminal, I will turn her, her investments and bank account over to the Official Guardian and revoke my POAs. Let them pay her bills and, run after her, keep her company, do her shopping and listen to her whining 3x times a week. Yeah, right. Their only obligation is to ensure she's safe, fed and clean. Her loss.

A first class narcissist life long my mother has abused anyone who ever crossed her path and I and my late father suffered horribly from the screaming, manipulative, demanding, spiteful ways. At 65 I still fear her, as I was trained to do from a small child.. My father died from heart failure but I think it was exacerbated by her incessant cruelty and he was a lovely man, everyone loved him.

So that's where I am today, The government wants to give me any more grief she's all theirs ... enjoy! I will walk away and never look back.
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Ashlynne I'm sorry this is happening to you. I don't have any advice since you have it all figured out.. Hugs..
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Chicago it doesn't work that way here. So very upset, I've probably read more into this than necessary. What they want to know is where the money from the house sale went. I will provide a copy of the closing adjustments and the lawyer's trust account statement showing monies disbursed. The house was in both our names jointly with right of survivorship so I was technically entitled to take half if I wished and the trust statement will show that the final proceeds were made payable to us both. I will also provide a statement from her bank indicating that there is an amount invested equal to the sale proceeds.

I bank elsewhere. The proceeds from the sale of my city home when I moved to care for her are invested there, along with my RRSP, but how I handle my own finances is none of their business. Her monthly pension is nowhere near enough to pay for her care and I juggle our investments to make up the shortfall.

SA I've followed you on here and know the anguish you have and are going through. My heart goes out to you. Someone on here said it's like having PTSD for life and that really struck a chord with me.
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".and I know this may not seem like a good thing to say, but it might be even more devastating if no one says it and it hits you like a ton of bricks... don't necessarily expect that when Mom passes you will instantly be free and emotionally all OK. In fact, sometimes it is worse the rockier the relationship was, maybe because you grieve not only the loss, but also the loss of any hope that the things you should have had from a Mom will ever be yours, and that the unfinished business can ever be finished, and the chronic grief for what-could- have-been-if-only may actually intensify for a while."

Indeed.

It is a good thing to say because it's true.
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Perhaps you have your tax forms. If you each received 1/2 from a house sale, it should be on there.
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Ashlynne, you shouldn't have shredded the paperwork, but you know that now... The best documentation you can come up with is really all you need, and you don't have to be devastated or shocked that a mean old narcissistic mom with worsening dementia makes unfounded accusations to reward all the service you gave her at such great cost to yourself. That's what mean old narcissistic moms do, sometimes even without dementia for an excuse.

The other thing is...and I know this may not seem like a good thing to say, but it might be even more devastating if no one says it and it hits you like a ton of bricks... don't necessarily expect that when Mom passes you will instantly be free and emotionally all OK. In fact, sometimes it is worse the rockier the relationship was, maybe because you grieve not only the loss, but also the loss of any hope that the things you should have had from a Mom will ever be yours, and that the unfinished business can ever be finished, and the chronic grief for what-could- have-been-if-only may actually intensify for a while. Have some help and support lined up for you so you can get back to living YOUR life, for YOU as soon as possible. I did not have such serious physical abuse in my background, it was more emotional, but still I keep finding layer after layer of recovery and growth as time goes on.
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I've worked as a legal assistant & paralegal life long so hopefully I know the signs of good and ...
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Thanks gladimhere but I like and trust this lawyer so far. He lives in a city an hour away but has worked out of his office in a small town near here for years. This area is full of seniors so he does a lot of estate work and is well versed in the issues. He's probably 60 or so, his wife works by his side as a legal secretary/EA and they have 2 other secretarial staff.

I doubt anything will come to court in any event. I'm just so terribly hurt right now. I drive transport for dog rescue from time to time and Mommie Dearest always says "Be careful. What would happen to me if anything happened to you?". Thanks a lot, I might be laying in a hospital critically injured or worse and you only care about yourself???? Nuff said!
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Ash-
When you meet with the attorney on Monday ask him, if it comes to litigation, can he handle it. I have been down that road, spent a couple of thousand on an attorney who would rather not be in court. Retained a litigator, but had to start all over. At least I realized fairly soon, not too much money down the tubes. Check out the site AVVO, they may do Canada too to find a darn good elder law litigator! If AVVO does not include Canada, there must be something similar. Also try Super Lawyers.
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No doubt the inspector was a beginner - dressed to the nines and running around with an open laptop to look good. I'm sure she never asked the staff or resident RN about my mother's condition and they know it as well as I do. I doubt my mother weighs any more than my big old Labrador (Ashy came to me from rescue last year aged 7 and is 85lb), can't find words or speak clearly, looks at you like a deer in the headlights and rocks/rolls her wheelchair back and forth constantly.

Her latest "thing" is that she can get from bed to her wheelchair and go to the bathroom by herself which, unable to sit up or stand, she can't - hauls herself up using the upper bed rails. When I visited last week, before I could stop her, she slithered from bed to wheelchair with a "Never mind, when the (bed) alarm goes off they'll come running = instant attention. My God, if she had to ring the call bell she might actually have to wait for someone to come to assist and, as a life long narcissist, that just won't do. She demands instant attention and is always complaining the staff don't run the instant she wants something. I mentioned this latest "thing" to the NH director and he was horrified but there's nothing he or the staff can do about it apart from strap her down or drug her out of her mind which they don't do here. Forgive me, but the mood I'm in right now, strangling her seems a great option. As they say "I can understand how it would feel to be an axe murderer" but don't worry I'm totally non violent. I just want the life long pain and suffering this woman has heaped on me to be over.

Due to her narcissism and dementia, it's only a matter of time before she has another stroke or a very bad fall again. I'm sure it will seem awful to many of you but, frankly, I'm looking forward to her demise as she continues to suck the life out of me as she has done all my life. I don't feel I'll ever be free until she dies.

As money is one of her very many obsessions I'm going to give the office a few hundred bucks to hold for her and advise her they have it for any time she wants it. On March 26 there's a fashion/clothing outfit visiting the NH, which they do from time to time so she'll know she has money to buy anything she wants. Of course she won't buy anything as "it's too expensive" but knowing the money is there will make her feel more in control.

I truly can do no more than I do and have done. So upset, today I've felt so ill. Going to feed my precious creatures then make some supper for me. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it down :(.
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