Ashamed of my behavior towards Mom.

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I got a bit rough with mom today and feel terrible that I let myself get into this state. We were arguing back and forth and I thought I can't stand this any longer. I kind of shook her and we were nose to nose at one point. I know she forgets about these fights but I don't and I know I will be living with this long after she is gone.


your not saying whats wrong with mom . if its dementia all i can say is get online and start reading . people on here can help you a little but please start reading in every spare moment . the more you learn , the more your exasperation will turn to compassion . when i could look at my mom and visualize a dying , shrunken brain then it started getting downright easy to deal with . never argue with your mom if she is demented . the logic isnt there and it will break your mind .. walk away for a few minutes instead of trying to reason with her . she'll probably follow you . shes confused , not trying to hurt you ..
My favorite quote:

The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time,
The dementia patient is having a hard time....

Forgive yourself - you're human and just try to take Captain and Assanache's words to heart. All of us caregivers have done things we're not proud of. It goes with the territory of stress and burnout. Hugs to you.
janny, we all get exasperated. Just promise yourself you won't shake her again. Then follow through on your promise. Many of us have tricks to handle the stress overload and anger. I go in my room and slam things. I also have a silly way of dealing with it. I shoot myself with a finger pistol. It isn't loaded, so no harm done. For some reason it eases stress in myself.

If I get really angry I simply avoid my mother. She is a difficult person who is beyond reasoning, so I get angry fairly often. I always feel bad if I show her my anger. It is better for both of us for me to get away to deal with it. There are weeds to be pulled and wood to be chopped. A brisk walk works wonders, too.
Thank you all for your comments. My anger comes out of nowhere so it's not like I can plan to go somewhere or do something else in time. It's like I just snap. I do feel very compassionate most of the time. My heart aches for my mom so much I feel it will break. I will promise myself not to put my hands on my mom again. How could I have done such a thing. I can't even tell my husband. I know he would never understand my behavior. I pray to God that I can continue this journey for how ever long it lasts and to be more understanding and sensitive to my mom's antics whatever they are.
my sister is the same way...she blows up and browbeats my mother. Today she was screaming that 'you'll do what we say or you're going STRAIGHT to the nursing home! and there won't BE any coming home from there!'..when she left she made the comment that she needed to go because she'd been being mean to my mother all day.

I know she's in premature grief, angry that shes losing her mother. She refuses to accept that mother can't be logical anymore or that mother isn't doing things to hurt her or be mean but because she's not functioning anymore. She is upset that she has lost mother in so many ways. Mom will never be able to tell her anything anymore, can't cook anymore, it's too late for all that.

and I understand that. I called her and told her not to give herself a hard's been a long weekend and she'd not had any sleep.

basically what I am saying is, learn to forgive yourself. You're doing the best you can. You can't be perfect (but no physical stuff, ok?) Start over tomorrow and move on.
you're very brave to confess something like this 'in public'.
it isn't the things we confess that are worrisome, it's what we don't confess, the things we do that are wrong and we don't even see them as being wrong.
you'll be fine. just chalk this up to another learning experience.
i used to scream and yell so loud i thought my vocal chords would burst.
thankfully the neighbors didn't call the police, there were plenty of times i thought they would. actually there were a couple times the police did come to the house in the very beginning, either i would call about my mother's behavior, or my mom would accidentally dial 911, after threatening me for one reason or another.

i've called my mother names i regret, but just like you said, i have almost zero control over it, it's not like i'm sitting around cooking these words up, and it's not like i ever did it before she got sick, about four years ago. they come out almost instantaneously when provoked enough. she does seem to enjoy it, so on some level i do think they get bored and enjoy the 'entertainment' factor the outbursts provide. no reaction from my mother, as you said. it does get easier, one day at a time, especially since my mom got diagnosed. and since this behavior is out of character for me i sort of ran out of things to say to her, i only had a couple phrases i would say repeatedly. once i figured out they weren't doing any good it was basically game over. i've never hit my mom or anything like that. my heart goes out to you, i'm sure it's very hard for you, thinking you did something wrong. if i were you i would try to convince myself it doesn't count if you didn't technically hit her with an open hand, which it sounds like you definitely didn't. call it something else, 'kind of shaking' works for me. don't be too hard on yourself, i don't think you did anything wrong, and no one else here does either. almost everyone here has been in the exact same situation.
but for the grace of God go i.
Hmm... I see shaking another person as wrong. I see pushing or hitting or slapping them as wrong. However, we are not perfect and because we do wrong once doesn't mean we have to do it again. We just have to promise ourselves not to do it again, and if we break the promise, then maybe we aren't cut out for caregiving. There are too many other options out there.

I have a feeling that since Janny felt so bad that she shook herself up by her actions. I get the feeling it won't happen again. Lots of good thoughts for you, Janny.
I think we've all done and/or said things we regretted immediately after we did them...i know I have. I have never touched Mama physically but had those moments where you feared you might...It is total stress overload...and oddly these kinds of feelings seem to hit out of left field for some reason...I agree with the others, vow to not let it happen again, forgive yourself and move on....I think the fact that you openly commented here proves you would not normally ever have done that. For me I am realizing a lot of my anger comes from knowing I am losing Mama little by little and oh how I miss those fun talks we used to have....and it seems like everyone else has already moved say this is hard is the ultimate understatement I know....I'm glad you talked about this...Good thoughts and prayers for you Janny.
janny ive said alot of things to my mum that im not ashamed of as this job came with no training and no pay or contract terms. BUT in anger ive said horrible things to her BUT never shaken or approached her. You need a break and someone to talk to as this is not easy and the fact that you have gotten to that dept of anger is not good. Its important you learn to walk away when you get angry OR get your mother other care shouting and screaming is one thing but shaking her is way out of line im sorry but theres a line to be drawn here. Talk to someone about your anger asap. I have been pushed to the limit here but never would i shake her thats worrying as they are old and more fragile than we are.
I do like jb i will run out of the house and stay away if i have to go for a walk or scream to a friend. Dont get me wrong we have all feared wed do something under the stress BUT thats something you have to learn to control or else give up being the cargiver.

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