Anyone else's friends disappear?
Has anyone else experienced friends letting them down or disappearing altogether after taking on caregiving responsibilities? Being a gold-medal codependent, I've always been there for my friends in their difficult times, so it was a bit of a shock when mine let me down as soon as I was suddenly responsible for my failing elderly mom. During some of this time, I didn't even have a working car! Some of them offered to visit her when I couldn't...and then didn't. Instead I was accused of "being distracted" and suddenly not attentive, as though I was doing something wrong when I was dealing with Medicaid eligibility guidelines, bills, nursing home staff, etc. I know I'm better off without unreliable, entitled people in my life, but I'd like to hear others' experiences in this regard. It's been a bizarre two years.
It's called Survival, In other words, everyone for him/herself.
Abby's advice was to forgive them and move on. She reasoned, they are "cold" so as not to get too personally involved in case the person passes. Maybe some of the friends some of you speak feel the same.
Its not only for caregiving reasons that "friends" disappear. We experienced the same elsewhere too - we are 70, no longer "young" and appealing to the boomers and gen exers. For 15 years we freely gave of our time, many many hours of physical efforts and money (carrying petitions in 90 degree and 30 degree temperatures, assembling signs and putting them up, picking them up, running fundraisers, everything you can think of for campaigns and never missed a meeting) All this for our town and the political committee.
With Mom ill and passing, and realizing time was running out for us to do those things we always wanted to do, we decided to take a break for a year and dropped out. I had also served 6 years as secty to one of the town boards (a job that paid about $5 hr and was a lot of work sometimes taking as much as 40 hours to type up one meeting and I had no backup. I never missed a meeting!)
That was 10 months ago. We have not heard from one - NOT ONE - person since then. A councilwoman I thought of as a friend, someone I encouraged to run and help get elected (we used to talk regularly) has not called or returned one phone call. I am personally very hurt and feel "used" and thrown away . Needless to say, we will never go back although that was our intent a year ago.
Anyone who is retired - have any of you (after a few months or years) heard from the company or co-workers you committed to for 20-30 years? We haven't. People move on if you are not around.
Life moves on, and so have we and have put it behind us and tried to accept it isn't personal. But, as you must feel, we are saddened that what we believed in and trusted to be there for us, really wasn't ever permanent in the first place.
do not wait as long as i did bc at my age its very hard to be social anymore.
I too lost friends when I married my husband, but I understand.
When she first came home last September they still visited regularly, although they didn't contribute anything more than that. I told them all that they had full visiting privileges as long as they followed a few simple requests, like a little notice, be on time (they're always excessively late for everything) and that the exercised a little understanding and patience with her and the "new normal" of her current reality. And they more or less totally ignored me, showing up at problematic times with no notice, arriving hours after they said they would and worst of all, being awful during their visits. Bombarding her with questions and getting impatient and upset with her replies, trying to ask for money, questioning me as to whether she should be in a hospital, bursting into tears when she mentioned her deceased daughter even in passing, exactly what I explicitly asked them not to do.
Still, I didn't complain and always told them they were totally welcome to visit whenever they liked. Then right after Xmas the visits stopped. When I asked what was up it was excuse after excuse, just obvious BS. I guilted them into visiting in April for her birthday and since then they haven't come back. I informed them she is well aware that they aren't visiting and she doesn't like it but I guess they're unmoved by that. On Mother's Day them oldest one sent me a text at quarter after eleven in the evening asking if it was "too late" to visit and of course I replied that yeah, it was, she's 83 years old. After that I decided to stop reaching out, as IMO it was pointless. I just tell mom they're "working" or whatever, why they refuse to respect her enough to visit is beyond me but frankly I have enough to do already without trying to mollycoddle those kids, the door is still open but after this is all over I seriously doubt I'll maintain much of a relationship with them. My dearest friends are more "family" to me than they are these days, they've been golden to me and it'll never be forgotten either.
Once I was back to work plus my parents needed more of my time, I was once again too exhausted to do things with my friends. The phone calls started to be few and far between. They couldn't relate, either because their parents had passed many years ago, or their parents lived in other States and siblings were doing the caring.
I recently started to reach out to my cousins who live out of state, and we have been able to share caregiving stories... two of my cousins can really make me laugh which I really need. Makes me wish I had reached out to them years ago.
I did gain a new friend who is dealing with elderly in-laws who live in India, and who would come for a 6 month to a year vacation to the States to stay with her. It was so interesting to see we have parallel issues and frustrations, no matter the culture.
Now that I have more perspective, I wish I had reached out to them more effectively. Or perhaps more creatively.
But because we are real friends, we picked up the slack when life was less brutal. And they unconditionally accepted me when I was sentenced to being half a person with half a weekend.
Jessie
I get your point - it's harder to make new friends after 50 and then you're tied down and so it goes - I have found as send mentions above that friends and kind words come from unexpected places too - the barista at Starbucks bought my coffee yesterday and thanked me for being a good daughter taking care of mom - so you know I'll pay that kindness forward
Those friends I have helped the most, as also the ones helping me now. Sometimes it is just a phone call and someone to tell the crap to...sometimes it has been an afternoon out to enjoy myself and just get out of the house.. You can be sure, I will not be one to disappear if they ever call me for help
Not only "friends" disappear, Medical people your loved one has seen,some for many years, disappear as well.
A few months ago, a man wrote to Dear Abby, because he was upset that medical people his wife saw, forgot him and her after she passed. She made them baked goods, and he thought that these folks were their friends. Abby gave good advice, which you may take as well, and told him to forgive them.
her mom was a 72 yr old meth head . her heart blew so hard that it took out most of the kitchen ceiling drywall .
ahh, good memories . the next time i see betsy i think ill punch her in the face .
i didnt realize how long that fn idiot has been sticking by me .