July 4th.. Another holiday to deal with!

Started by

I don't know about you but it seems like these darn holidays are never ending.. I used to look forward to July 4th..For years I had a cookout but since I stopped not one of my siblings even call to see what we are doing... No invites for us!



We will be staying home, I may grill or not. We also add a July birthday celebration. There are six or so of them think we might do that on July 5 if all are around.

I do not want siblings involved, so birthday party with my kids will be my goal.
3931 helpful answers
When just getting through the day as a caregiver is a trial, holidays are often just added stress. The only way for many of us to get through them is to lower our standards of "celebration."

Do what you can realistically do and let the rest go. The opinion of others doesn't matter. If they aren't in your shoes they can't understand. If your siblings want more of a celebration, they can host it and you and your care receiver can go or not, depending on the type of day it is.

Most importantly, don't think less of yourself for not wanting to celebrate. It's entirely normal for someone who is already giving everything they can for the sake of another.

If you need to take care of yourself by not "celebrating" - then do it. Get some take out if that makes you feel better than doing nothing, but don't wear yourself out just because it's a "special" day.
We're with you,
Thank you for the reply. In my case, sibs feel that I should provide transportation, arrive with a smile on my face, and celebrate, while continuing continuous monitoring for the two elders I care for. Not happening! It has become extremely difficult to take the two of them even out for a quiet meal at a nearby restaurant. Siblings homes are not equipped for the two of them to be able to use the bathroom facilities safely. Sibs know that if they want to do something here, and take care of preparations for it, that is perfectly OK. Just cannot take care of these two and please siblings as well. Too much stress in this dysfunctional family.
i've been single all my life. any three day weekend is torture, always has been.
3931 helpful answers
We're glad you're here too!
You are doing the right thing. It sounds as if you can't please your siblings and you don't have to. They can bring food and make a celebration if they do the work, but you and your parents are staying home.

No guilt on your part. If you feel that your parents need some sort of celebration, do something small for them like grilling hamburgers. You could get paper napkins with a theme and turn on a TV celebration if you feel that is needed or appreciated. Otherwise they and you are just fine treating this like any other day. Believe me, few of us on this site haven't suffered from "holiday dread." It goes with the territory.
Hang in, my friend. We do understand.

It's not my siblings I care about. They are useless and we never hear from them. It's my own grown kids.. I feel bad because my son's girlfriend's Mom is visiting from out of state and he wants to come here on the 4th.. I previously told my SIL,BIL and there son who has Aspergers that they could come here's to a cookout and stay over, it's easier than us going to their house. Well my son and gf usually do their own thing on the 4th because they live in the city.. Now with her Mom visiting and they found out my SIL and her family are coming here so they want to come and stay over. AAARGGHH.. It used to be easy to put people here there and everywhere on air mattresses.. My Mom will be off her rocker! She doesn't know GF's Mom and I've only met her twice..

So I told him they could come but not stay over.. So now I feel bad that I told my SIL she and her family COULD stay over and my SON CAN'T. My daughter lives her too!

I know he's an adult and understands.. I just so stressful trying to please everyone..

This is why I get pissed at my sibs because they don't even have to deal with any of their Mom's dementia and I can't even have my own son over....
I wish we did more to celebrate holidays. Mostly the days pass without any particular notice. I would like to do something special and different. Someday.
UGH....holidays patooie........our last holiday....Memorial Day....a day which needs to be celebrated with reverance in the first place anyway..but this year I had put on my big Martha Stewart hat, invited the one person who does occasionally come and sit with Mama and she did offer to bring buns and chips...so I let her...that being said...I told her...and do come so that we can just relax and enjoy the day in a restful way...(she is notorious for getting here way past lunch and by then the day is over anyway)...WELL, this time she got here early all right..so early I had not even had my bath, had just barely gotten Mama ready ( and that was only because this was one of our days to have the health care aid bathe her...) anywhooooo...my guest gets here, and immediately goes for the sofa...sits down and never budged again, EXCEPT to fetch her plate after I had done all the cooking, running, changing Mama in between, feeding her as well since Mama can only "eat" the nutritional supplements now...and don't get me wrong, I love this person, but dear God in heaven, would someone who KNOWS how I have no help anyway kill themself by offering to do something...anything???? to top it off she stayed way into the night...cleaned up NOTHING, including clearing her own dishes from the patio table...it's not like I didn't mention it either, very politely told her, hey, how about grabbing that plate and stuff for me....(totally ignored me) hey, can you grab a diaper for me to change Mama??? (totally ignored) let me tell you by the time she left and I literally finally got up and opened the door and said...well, be careful going home....I had HAD it...I thought to myself, what in the H*** am I doing? killing myself so I can "celebrate"...when Mama could have not cared less whether we did anything..in fact, it all gets on her nerves I have discovered...so this before my "guest" left, she said...I've had such a fun day...you are going to have a hard time getting rid of me this summer....and in the back of my mind I thought "NO I'M NOT"....cause I'm not doing this again... combining this with a "whine of the day moment" I have to say...do people not understand what it would mean if they did something, anything...to help make it easier on me...my God, to see me running ragged, sweating up a storm (the south is no joke in the summer) grilling, running in and out of the kitchen....she didn't want anything to drink...until I was in there getting myself something...THEN she said I'll have some too....get over yourselves lazy rear "guests" either help or stay the H*** away.... Mama had her hospice re evaluation the other day and the nurse practitioner who came asked me, are you doing these things for her (Mama) or you??? I told him, you know, I guess I am doing it for me, to try to feel normal, anything to feel like I am living a normal life again...but somehow I'm thinking this is so NOT normal to invite people to literally abuse the priviledge...and I totally get it...it is ALL on me....and I'm the only one who can change it so this year the only grilling I will do, if I do any grilling, will be for me......and the only fireworks going on will be when I tune in that night, bunny slippers on feel, lounging shorts and tshirt , watching the celebrations on TV while Mama is resting sweetly beside me...the heck with all the hoopla.....
OMG assandache7, I just saw that other post in this thread...is that not the God's honest truth....feeling guilty all the time for not being able to do things for people we WANT to do things for for feeling like me also need to do things for others we might not necessarily need to go that out of the way for....sometimes I look at my entire life and realize I KNOW I have lived my life being a people pleaser and it has taken a toll on me...BIG TIME...and the kicker is...it has not mattered and it has, in fact, INVITED a lot of the criticism and abuse that just never seems to end....you mentioned your Mom would be going nuts over not knowing a lot of these people....is all the activity going to be worth it??? I am seriously having to deal with this myself right now and for me, going forward, the only ones who matter right now are of course Mama, but also me....because I am beyond fed up, beyond sick of all the d*mn lazy tail people who don't have a clue what we are going through and don't seem to get that one "family day" is like putting together a huge conference used to be for me in my former life....I don't get it...All my life I have "gotten it" knew when folks were overloaded, took so much stuff that they wouldn't have even needed to cook if they didn't want to...made them sit down while I did the dishes, cleared the kitchen, etc....picked up all the trash and waiting on the host as much as possible...and I was happy to do it....but then all that kind of mess is what got us all in this caregiving thing in the first place I'm guessing...can't win for losing
The only one my Mom doesn't know it my sons girlfriend's mother.

You hit the nail on the head though, I'll bust my butt as usual while everyone has a relaxing time. It used to be fun I enjoyed doing it but now I have to constantly keep an eye on my Mom and deal with her dementia..

I really love spending time with my kids and holidays are always at my (their)home and I liked it that way... But now I feel like overwhelmed.

I don't want this to sound mean but for once I want to be able to spend time with my immediate family without it being all about my Mom.. But I never know how the day will go and that's what stresses me out.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support