Mom is driving me crazy!

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I made my first post yesterday but I think I did it wrong so I am here to try again. My mother (who is only 56) lives with my husband, kids and I and has for the past 4 yrs. (since my dad past away). She suffered a brain aneurysm 11yrs ago and has not worked of driven since. She was a very independent person before this and we here about it often. I know she lost basically everything ( which we here about when she is upset) I can appreciate that and I feel for her, I do. But it's not like everyone's life did not change and I don't think she fully appreciates how much my husband and I have sacrificed for her. i don't mean to sound resentful and spiteful but sometimes the repetition and the forgetfulness( a result from the anerysm) are to much to bear. On the other hand we feel very blessed to be able to help and are blessed most of the time with her presents in our home. Other times I feel very resentful that I have to do this and I can't just have my children and my husband in our home and we "go visit grandma" like so many others. I know I sounds very ungreatful and I am making it sound worst than it probably is. I feel guilty for even typing this, she is my mom after all and I do love her. She helps out around the house with dishes and laundry and wants these jobs, as she says she is glad to help and I appreciate it, but all that aside it is the feelings I have and the repetition which we can't do much about. The sensitivity like if I say something in the wrong tone of voice she'll get upset and say something like "I was just asking" and if I don't bite my tongue we will have an arguement about the simplest of things. . Mostly I am saddend and frustrated with the resentment I feel, the distance getting between our relationship, how at such a young age in my life I feel like the rolls of been reversed and the guilt I carry for feeling this and avoiding her whenever I can because I just can't bear to hear the same stories over and over again or another mention of my beloved dad. For some of us, we are done grieving (I know losing a husband probably feels a lot different than losing a father) I just want to hold him in my heart now. I loved my dad so very much and it hurts to have here about him everyday. I have tried counselling with her but she is a very stubborn woman. She goes with her friend to grief counselling once a week usually, otherwise she will only go out when I take her, for whatever reason this may be, shopping,ect. She hates that she has to rely on me to get around and who could blame her, she is still relatively young afterall, but she is and always has been resistant to change. I guess I am just very greatful to know that I am truly not alone and it feels really good to put it out there to people who can truly understand our situation.

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Thank you for your suggestions. They are all really good ideas. My mom is EXTREMELY stubborn and sensitive. The two don't mix. I guess if I could get her friend to suggest these things to her it might work but it will never happen if she hears it from me.
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Boy, how to "uninvite" Mom to family time! Ugh. It does sound like she needs to do SOMETHING that isn't just sitting around feeling sorry for herself though.

Library volunteer? Community garden? Send her to a nursing home to visit people (who won't mind the stories being repeats) or drop her off at the humane society (er, to volunteer, not to re-home her!). Something at a thrift store? Maybe a shut-in person could use a companion for a few hrs a day (contact Meals-on-wheels or a local church). She has too much good life left to waste hunkered in a basement driving the both of you nuts.
To modify the old bar-closing line "I don't care where you go, you just can't stay here".
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I took mom to a counselor. Mom didn't like her. She doesn't want to go for walks. Or more honestly if she does, I don't want to take her cause I am sooo tired of hearing the same stories over and over again and the talk and grief of missing my Dad. It grates on my nerves. She doesn't want to volunteer. She is depressed I'm sure but doesn't want to do anything about it. I think she is really lonely and I feel like an awful daughter because I feel like I avoid her alot. The low rental AISH supported complex is a depressing little place and mostly mentally handicapped lived there. I could never send her there. I don't think there are any other facilities in our area where she might be able to live. I feel stuck.
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Thanks for sharing your story. I feel for you. I like that you are open to seeing if it can be worked out while she still lives under your roof. That can only happen amicably if you both get clear on your needs and expectations, then set down ground rules that are followed (allowing some flexibility).. There have been some good comments here and I have a couple of suggestions also.
Since you said she likes to be alone and will come up when she is ready, you should point out to her that you/your family need private time or alone time too (whatever you want to call it). Maybe you can establish some times and areas in the house that are "open" and some times and areas that are "private." Sometimes having a schedule can be very helpful to someone whose life doesn't have much structure. Perhaps scheduling day trips or exercise walks, etc, can help put meaning into a day. I like the suggestion for volunteering. Set up a family meeting every so often to review the arrangement. It might be helpful to have an outside person be in attendance if family members tend to get defensive in these kinds of situations to sort of mediate the discussion.
I wish you well and hope that your situation improves. You and your mom are both too young to have these problems with each other.
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the about comment is in reference to volunteer work:)
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I do like that idea and it has been mentioned before. She seems to like the idea but then when becomes a reality she finds ways of backing out or just plain complaining about it. Plus she doesn't like the idea that for everything she has/wants to do she relies on me for a ride. It makes her feel like a burden, even though I am happy to take her here and there. I am doing it for my kids anyway what's one more
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Oldcoodger2, thank you for your insight. I will make appointments with these professionals to seek other arrangements. I have thought about it, if something like this were to happen to me one day and I personally never want to live with my adult children. If I were unable to stay in my house I would demand other alternatives that do not include living in my adult children's home. I would never impose on them that way, plus I wouldn't be happy. I need my own place to call home, something I can take care of. That is where it differs for my mom and I, where we own our home, my parents did not, otherwise she could have stayed there just fine or sold and bought elsewhere. Also I have many hobbies and interests ( which I can't wait to pursue further in my golden years), my mom really doesn't, or if she does she won't do anything about it unless I get involved. I know, a bit off topic but it all plays in as to why things are the way they are......
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After having my MIL in our home for 8 years and dealing with her health decline and now her anger/rage issues - I would ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY, IMMEDIATELY find alternative living arrangements for your mother. Perhaps assisted living.

Don't let her tell you that there are too many 'memories' here or there. Memories are in our minds! We take them wherever we go.

Do this for HER - she will have a semblance of independence again - and do this for YOU and YOUR FAMILY. Talk to your doctor and her doctor - talk to your local area on aging - find out your options and ACT.

Consider what you would want YOUR children to do and 'give up' for you under similar circumstances. I never want my children to have the experience and heartbreak that I have endured the last few years. My MIL may not be able to help herself - but that changes absolutely nothing.
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Cybeebe27, thank you for that suggestion. I will find out. NancyH, I have gone down that road, about two years ago. I tried to be gentle and explain how it would be better for all and she just gets all frustrated and angry and immediately feels rejected. That is why I am so confused. She spends so much time alone in the basement but says she doesn't want to live alone. There is really no difference other than she gets to come upstairs whenever it pleases her and interject on what it going on with family life. I know that sounds really rude, but sometimes I feel like there is no privacy. Sometimes I just want to be with my husband and children without her poking her nose in. Anyway, thank you for the advice, and for lending an ear. I will go back to the counselor and see what my options are. I think I am a little bit frozen too. I tell myself that things are fine and if I bite tongue and smile and nod things will stay fine, but I know that is no way to live and it is not fair to my family either. I think my mom is oblivious to a point about how I really feel but I can't tell her, even gently without her getting really upset. What I am saying is she thinks this setup is just peachy. Maybe if I start with something like, "Mom, I want to help try to get back some of your independence......."
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Is it possible for your mom to try out the apartment for just a month?
Or something similar? Is there some win-win situation you could present her with? Perhaps with the help of the counselor?
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