Afraid I will go first.

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I have been taking care of my mother for over 3 yes by myself. An older sistervhas not visited her mother in 8 yes and lives 5 hrs away. My older brother lives in Europe and neither have contributed a thing. They don't take my pleas for help seriously. I am so stressed I can barely get out of bed in the morning. My body is worn out. I have no energy for a life or the time. Finally got a private companion for my mother, 3 days wk 4 hrs. I make meals, assist her (short term memory) and too exhausted for me to have a pt job. No break was given to to me. No $ for hiring companion. They don't care enough about their mother or me it seems. He checks in with phone calls because he feelsba sense of responsibility. That doesn't help anyone. I don't inform him of anything. I do not communicate. He doesn't want to hear it. As long as I am here they will do nothing. I never feel great and I'm resenting them always. Don't let anyone tell you the resentment goes away or just forget about them. Not gonna happen. All alone in this and it's hard to believe they put themselves first when she's at the end of HER life.


Noel, sometimes siblings will step back and not help out because they feel that it would be in your and Mom's best interest if Mom was in a continuing care facility. If the siblings did help, they would be enabling Mom to continue to stay at home with you exhausting yourself.

Yes, you could pass on first because this task of being 24/7 caregiving is totally impossible to do. That is why 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their loved ones.

What are Mom's physical issues besides short term memory loss? Is there any reason why Mom isn't in a nursing home? She would get caregivers who work three 8-hour or 12-hour shifts who then get to go home to rest, thus be refreshed for their next shift. You don't get to do that, you are working all those shifts. And Mom would be around people from her own generation. I don't know if your Mom can still socialize or not.

If money is an issue for continuing care facility, see if Mom could qualify for Medicaid, to which Medicaid will help pay for her care.
If siblings did help they would be enabling mom to stay at home and I would be still exhausted? Don't get comment. She's got dementia but it's not 24/7. She has companion that takes her to Sr events and movies etc. Don't get comment. They are selfish people who know I am here and are taking full advantage of that. I can't just abandon her. My brother had the audacity to tell my mother his family comes first. His daughter is grown and ironically attends school in the states. He's got to step up and man up. He's a selfish jerk. They have no clue. Are you a caregiver? Do you work for agency?
I can't put her in a place she doesn't want to go. Its not her thing. Any memory issues, they put you with people that are worse and its twice the amount of money. I'd rather she get someone here so I feel free to have a life. She's not real bad but they should shoulder the responsibility. Checking in with a phone call is to relieve his conscience. Helps only him
What are your mother's financial resources? Those should be used for paying companions, respite for you, and, if she's living with you, room and board.

If you are living with her and providing services, you should be compensated from her income for your services. And for respite, so that you can have down time.
Noel, i hate to tell you this, but your brother has his priorities straight. His first responsibility is to HIS family.

Caring for a parent doesn't mean you must be a hands on caregiver. It sounds like it's killing you...does that benefit your mother in any way?
I never said his family shouldn't come first, I said he had the insensitivity to say it to my mother's face. He still has a moral obligation. Neither sibling has contributed monetarily, emotionally and ignore my requests. I should not shoulder the entire responsibility in every way. It's killing me not from just the resentment but from being the sole caregiver. I am bwcoming more depressed and does it help my mother? What about my health? What about me?
Still don't get frequent flyer comment. Enabling? Wtf is that? They don't care enough. I'm here. They don't want their lives interrupted. That's the strangest thought I've ever heard.
Also..a parent who has dementia..alzheimers is a family affair.the others do nothing. Ignore calls. Their children are grown adults. Brother retired. Bs
Noel, what FF is saying about enabling is this...that perhaps they feel that your mother would be better served in a facility, either Assisted Living or a NH. No, no one cans "make" her go, but there is a fine line between "helping out" an elder who still has the ability to be independent in most areas, and enabling a fragile elder who has become too much for one or two people, helping on an occasional basis to manage.

Your mother is responsible for herself. Her funds should be used for her care. You do not have a moral obligation to provide hands on, live in care for your mother. You need to see that she that she is cared for, to the best of your ability. This does not include giving up your life.

Do you live with her? She with you? What resources does she have to pay for care?
Also, you're over-generalizing about facilities. You need to go on some tours.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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