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So much pain so much love. What I take away from this is DO NOT MAKE PROMISES however much you love or don't love the person. I could never have cared for my mother and God was good I never had to. It has taken me over thirty years to admit I didn't like her.
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EXCELLENT!
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Perfect.Thank you for sharing:))Such familiar feelings.
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Thanks! oldcodger2. I feel alone and I do dump on my siblings sometimes that I need help so you are right it's what keeps them away. AC is a good way to vent so thanks for responding it means a lot in this lonely journey.
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AndreaAnn - that is EXACTLY what happens. Part of it is that when we DO see someone we DUMP on them and they get tired of hearing - one reason why AC is so good! Another - especially where family is concerned - 'out of sight, out of mind' and if they stay out of YOUR sight - they hope they will also stay out of your MIND.

In the 8 years since their mother has been with us - her other two children have visited a total (this is combined) of 6 times - SIX LOUSY VISITS IN 8 YEARS! All it did for me was make more work - had to clean and cook for company! One kid did have her stay one week - but it took me two months to get everything arranged - I was a basket case by then. Also had to fly with her down and back and guess who got to deal with her diarrhea on the way home?

Her other DIL's have NEVER CALLED, NEVER SENT A GET WELL CARD - NO FLOWERS - NOTHING - NADA - IN 8 YEARS!
So, get over your guilt! You have nothing to feel guilty for. You have done your best and that is all a person can do. Do we need to lose our health too? Sadly, I found this out a bit too late to save my health - but I am nursing it along and have decided that MY needs are just as important as those of my MIL. My hubby finally agrees. One person on this site - somewhere - said - BE AT ATTENTIVE BYSTANDER - or something like that. Don't just forget you have a mom - but you can be a companion again and FEEL DEEP DOWN that you WANT TO again. Do this for both of you.
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I'm nearing this point too. It's so hard. I read an article the other day called, "Abandoned". It was about how people drop out of your life when you begin to take care of a loved one. So sad,
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WELL SAID MiskaM!! Very well said.
My brother in law had the nerve to tell me that 'my break' was the 3 weeks my MIL was in rehab/swing bed. Guess what I did during that time? Visited her every day - because there was always something she needed from home and I cleaned her entire apt top to bottom including cleaning her pantry and fridge and throwing out 7 year old canned goods. Did she thank me? To this day she remembers and tells others that I threw out her things - even mementos that were gifts from her sister and mother!! Didn't throw out a thing except old food! Go figure. She probably gave the stuff away to someone who came to visit. She has never given me a thing - after all, I STEAL WHAT I WANT, right?

Just remember - no one will save us but US. Her needs are being met and now, so are yours. There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting ourselves on the list too.
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You know eyerishlass, just like one cannot be expected to keep promises if they are incompetent (for lack of a better word)-legally and morally - I say the same goes for promises kept to people in situattions where you did not understand what was actually being promised -what was actually involved. You were, in fact , incompetent , at that time to make that promise thus should not feel bound by it. IMHO! I mean this nicely, my friend. you did right by your Dad.
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Very much enjoyed what you had to say.

I too made a promise to my dad once that he would never have to go into a nursing home unless he became bed-bound. I broke that promise. Which do I regret more? The fact that I made that promise to begin with or that I've beaten myself to death for breaking it. Either way I've tortured myself emotionally as a result.

I had to smile when you wrote about rushing out the door and taking a vacation that your mom never knew about. When my dad lived with me I just stopped socializing because I would have to take him with me.

And as you said, things sure got worse after that.

Thanks again for your letter, Karen. It was very much appreciated. :-)
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anyone can say yes or no but a good sense of proportion seperates the leaders from the followers. it sounds like you cared for your mother at home as long as there was QOL there. with her mobility problems and memory problems the QOL is probably going to be better in an institutionalized setting now. her happiness has to be balanced with your stress and misery too. one shouldnt have it all at someone elses peril either imo. i think you made a good decision for everyone involved and instead of guilt i hope you feel good about the years that you sacrificed for her benefit.
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Thank you for the letter. I may need it in the future. And good for you!!!! SMILE!!!
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