Abusive elderly - I'm freaking out!

Follow
Share

I'm freaking out. I'm taking care of my "mother-in-law", she's living with me. My boyfriend warned me she was nasty, but I thought he was just being mean. He hates her since he was a child, basically, which shocked me. But now I see why.
Age obviously doesn't help, but she's mean, negative, overly critical, demanding, controlling, inconsiderate and very manipulative. She's jealous of my relationship with her son so every time she hears me talking to him on the phone, she sulks and becomes passive aggressive. This passive aggressiveness has been lasting for days now and it's becoming stronger. There's a lot of tension between us, because she is mad at me all the time. I already snapped and told her she had to stop that, that I couldn't take care of her if she kept acting like that. That I wasn't her maid, my role was to help her walk and regain her autonomy and she had to be considerate (yes, she treats me like I'm an 18th century maid).
Now she's putting herself in danger every time she knows I can't be available for her. If I need to leave the house for 5 hours to take care of her things (groceries, bureaucracies or her money), then she waits in her chair or bed without complaining. But if I need to leave for one hour to go to the doctor, work or do anything for myself, even a nap, she purposely tries to fall on the ground.
First she lied about "needing to go to the toilet, but since I wasn't around, she had to go alone and fell". I didn't believe, but I made the mistake of saying "Do not attempt to walk alone again, it's dangerous". I say mistake, because she realized that it stressed me, so it worked. So she lied again, the exact same story - she HAD to go alone, because I wasn't here. This time I confronted her. Where were the injuries? If she fell in the bathroom she surely would knock her head in the sink or the tub(it's a small bathroom). And how did she manage to get up from the floor if she needs help to stand up and get out of the bed and chairs? MISTAKE II. Because, after she swore she did fall and she "was just amazed how she managed to survived with no injuries" and seeing I still wasn't buying it, she now wants to prove me she does fall, so she gets up and walks until it happens.
i.e. I had to take a 2 hour nap one afternoon, because I had only slept one hour that day (to take care of her, yes, I'm exhausted...). But I have a light sleep, since I'm in an alert state, so I woke up with a noise. It took me a while to understand what it was: it was she walking around the room with the walker. She got out of the bed (alone...so now I guess she's acting when she says she needs help), she walked around, but she didn't fall, so she sat in the chair, nothing happened, so she tried to get up again (or I honestly believe she actually threw herself to the ground, because of her position on the floor - if she was using her arms to push herself up from the chair, her arms would have to be by her side, but instead were under her chest and over her head. I heard a noise (but not a bump, like a fall) and after a few seconds of silence she called me. She was lying on the ground (couldn't get up like supposedly she did so skillfully before?). I put her in bed and gave her an ultimatum: if I caught her again on the floor or walking without supervision I'll put her in an assisted living facility. I had to leave that night to go to work, I locked the bathroom's door and when I got home she was in bed so I asked her if she tried to get out, she said no, but she was in a really bad mood. More and more passive-aggressive (silent treatment, yes/no answers, acting very "cool" - "I don't care if the cup it's too large or too small, it's only tea", "Who cares about the glass, it's only water" - when she's always nagging about everything - and she kept a sullen but arrogant expression)
I need help. I'm feeling a lot of tension in my stomach. I'm freaking out! I just want her to leave but there's no vacancies in local facilities and I don't think I have authority to just send her to one. Her son doesn't care about it/her, but I'm not sure if he understands how serious this is.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
17

Comments

Show:
I would call your loser boyfriend to let him know that you are starting the eviction process with his mom and it's up to the both of them to figure out where she is going to go next. Let him know that the relationship is over. I wouldn't go giving a crap on what she can or can't afford, if she has been living with you rent free, she can make a down payment somewhere. It's not your monkeys and not your circus.
(3)
Report

I call that grace under fire, and I hugely admire how well and compassionately you're dealing with this situation. Hope you can bring it to a speedy conclusion all the same! Hugs.
(2)
Report

To all your questions: I'm 41yo. Yes, I know my boyfriend is taking advantage of me and yes, I've been studying his behavior for too long and I do believe he's a sociopath, not a narcissist. Now that I met his mother and talked to her (yesterday) about her deep secret feelings for her family, I confirmed that they were very toxic parents, abusive, controlling, who kept a marriage for the status and money (she did, despite his abuse) and started a war with their son when he didn't meet their expectations at a very young age. She neglected his son, avoided him, leaving him with no love and warmth, no one to turn to. They made his life a living hell and he became this - but he's a good child inside, under many layers of emotional detachment, and that's who I see and try to bring up. Most likely he'll become my ex, Countrymouse, I'm well aware of that. I will eventually move on or he will dump me, but I'm not too attached to him or the relationship. I know who he is, we lived together before and I left.

I always think I can handle things, that I can help people and maybe even help them become better humans that's how I end up in places like this.
But he sold this situation in a much better light (as he always does, why didn't I see it coming?). He said I would have lots of time for myself, we would hire caregivers to come every morning, she would go to the day care half the day or visit her friends, all I had to do was cook and manage the house, and be with her at night, in case anything happened. What I got was the opposite. She's impossible, her friends rarely visit her, she's very limited and dependent, can't/won't afford caregiving, and now she's throwing her codependency on me.

Yesterday, after talking to her about her life thinking she would feel/be better, at dinner she changed again to her bossy personality and after lots of criticism and complains, she complained that I wake up too late - she has no notion of time.... I have my alarm set to her waking time. So I told her, "you can wait, it won't kill you. I can't be by your side the second you open your eyes, because one, I don't sleep with you and two, this isn't the 12th century and I'm not your court lady. "I'm not saying that". (uuhh!)

No, I'm not using my money. She pays for her stuff. That was the only thing I wasn't lied about. Yes, Dorianne and Cellytron, he dumped her on me and I'll dump her somewhere as soon as I can. It's sad how things end up. I almost felt sorry for her yesterday, she's codependent, she's afraid of being alone, and I don't wish that to anyone . But she's also mean and materialistic, what makes her a horrible person and she made her bed.

This is has been a lesson to me, a whole graduation actually. A degree on how not to live your life. Thank you all for your support and ideas.
(1)
Report

@carenightmare: I have a male cousin who I would almost swear is your boyfriend, except the situations are a little different. And I can tell you straight up that he is a narcissistic a*****e that I don't talk to anymore, and would not let my worst enemy date. He rarely contacts family unless he needs money. He's spent his life using women for money, gifts, and other financial gain, and now that he is stuck looking after his mother, he has found another new live-in girlfriend to do the care work and co-sign a mortgage on a million dollar property that he could never DREAM of owning on his own.  I'm just putting that out there. This guy is using you. Don't let him.
(2)
Report

And I hope to goodness you are not spending your own money doing this!!
(3)
Report

Does your boyfriend ever come over to your house? Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like he dumped his mom on you and is keeping his distance. It sounds like you are NOT a priority to him. Therefore, he should NOT be a priority for you.

Imagine if YOUR mother/father/auntie/grandma/whoever was sick. Would you consider dumping them with your boyfriend and peaceing out? Of course you wouldn't. No reasonable person would. Your boyfriend is not a reasonable person.

Please get out of this situation before it gets any worse.
(3)
Report

Look up "narcissistic personality disorder". You're dealing with two "takers".

As you were advised, call 911 the next time she falls. If that doesn't work, start eviction proceedings.
(3)
Report

Don't suppose there's any chance you might think of changing him into your ex-boyfriend, is there? What a piss-taker.
(3)
Report

Maybe I missed it - but can I ask how old you are? In the scheme of things it doesn’t really matter - but I am curious as to why you would accept this type of treatment from your boyfriend- let alone his mother unless it’s youth and inexperience.

Regardless- follow the advice about calling 911 the next time Mom winds up on the floor and refuse to take her back. Point out to the hospital social worker that she is not related to you in any way and you are not under any legal obligation- then give the social worker ALL your boyfriends contact information.

After that - walk away and don’t look back. Ask a friend to be at your place - instead of you - at an appointed time to pick up his mothers personal items. Have her stuff packed up and ready to go - sitting next to the door.

Time to kick these two users to the curb.
(2)
Report

I keep telling her that: it's for her best. She'll meet new people, she'll have 24/7 support from professional people who knows what to do, proper activities. This may be comfortable but it's not the best situation.
I'm doing all I can to make her more autonomous, I help her with walking, I looked online for some bed exercises she could do (and she likes it - yes!). I cook, clean and bathe her, I beg her scarce friends to take her somewhere, I watch tv with her and keep asking her to look for activities she finds interesting - crafts, going to museums (she liked that), whatever. I tried to fight her negativity, telling her there are people who lose their legs at their 20s and keep living and doing things. That this is only temporary, she may never walk like when she was 18, true, but she still can walk and if she can't jog she can use her brain and her hands. She doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I get it, being old can be depressive, losing capacities and autonomy can be very frustrating, I told her that too, I get it. But that she has a life to live. She can't count her days to the end, etc.
But this isn't just aging. It's who she is in a depressed angered state.

And yes, I'm an idiot and I'm always there for my boyfriend I don't know why. I must learn to say no but I always think I can manage it.
I told my boyfriend that today, Countrymouse. He keeps saying "it will pass", "ignore her" and dismissive stuff like this so I told him "this may be convenient for you but it's not for me. I'm not living, I'm exhausted, I'm stuck with a sick person, and I have no obligation to do it". They're being selfish. Both of them.
(0)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions