Abusive elderly - I'm freaking out!
I'm freaking out. I'm taking care of my "mother-in-law", she's living with me. My boyfriend warned me she was nasty, but I thought he was just being mean. He hates her since he was a child, basically, which shocked me. But now I see why.
Age obviously doesn't help, but she's mean, negative, overly critical, demanding, controlling, inconsiderate and very manipulative. She's jealous of my relationship with her son so every time she hears me talking to him on the phone, she sulks and becomes passive aggressive. This passive aggressiveness has been lasting for days now and it's becoming stronger. There's a lot of tension between us, because she is mad at me all the time. I already snapped and told her she had to stop that, that I couldn't take care of her if she kept acting like that. That I wasn't her maid, my role was to help her walk and regain her autonomy and she had to be considerate (yes, she treats me like I'm an 18th century maid).
Now she's putting herself in danger every time she knows I can't be available for her. If I need to leave the house for 5 hours to take care of her things (groceries, bureaucracies or her money), then she waits in her chair or bed without complaining. But if I need to leave for one hour to go to the doctor, work or do anything for myself, even a nap, she purposely tries to fall on the ground.
First she lied about "needing to go to the toilet, but since I wasn't around, she had to go alone and fell". I didn't believe, but I made the mistake of saying "Do not attempt to walk alone again, it's dangerous". I say mistake, because she realized that it stressed me, so it worked. So she lied again, the exact same story - she HAD to go alone, because I wasn't here. This time I confronted her. Where were the injuries? If she fell in the bathroom she surely would knock her head in the sink or the tub(it's a small bathroom). And how did she manage to get up from the floor if she needs help to stand up and get out of the bed and chairs? MISTAKE II. Because, after she swore she did fall and she "was just amazed how she managed to survived with no injuries" and seeing I still wasn't buying it, she now wants to prove me she does fall, so she gets up and walks until it happens.
i.e. I had to take a 2 hour nap one afternoon, because I had only slept one hour that day (to take care of her, yes, I'm exhausted...). But I have a light sleep, since I'm in an alert state, so I woke up with a noise. It took me a while to understand what it was: it was she walking around the room with the walker. She got out of the bed (alone...so now I guess she's acting when she says she needs help), she walked around, but she didn't fall, so she sat in the chair, nothing happened, so she tried to get up again (or I honestly believe she actually threw herself to the ground, because of her position on the floor - if she was using her arms to push herself up from the chair, her arms would have to be by her side, but instead were under her chest and over her head. I heard a noise (but not a bump, like a fall) and after a few seconds of silence she called me. She was lying on the ground (couldn't get up like supposedly she did so skillfully before?). I put her in bed and gave her an ultimatum: if I caught her again on the floor or walking without supervision I'll put her in an assisted living facility. I had to leave that night to go to work, I locked the bathroom's door and when I got home she was in bed so I asked her if she tried to get out, she said no, but she was in a really bad mood. More and more passive-aggressive (silent treatment, yes/no answers, acting very "cool" - "I don't care if the cup it's too large or too small, it's only tea", "Who cares about the glass, it's only water" - when she's always nagging about everything - and she kept a sullen but arrogant expression)
I need help. I'm feeling a lot of tension in my stomach. I'm freaking out! I just want her to leave but there's no vacancies in local facilities and I don't think I have authority to just send her to one. Her son doesn't care about it/her, but I'm not sure if he understands how serious this is.