A letter to my mother that I cannot send.

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Mother: I love you so very much.
I think you know this on a certain level.
I no longer know what to do. My hands are tied.
My heart breaks for you.
I want you here but I don’t want you to suffer any longer;
These are two seemingly contradictory wishes.
As I pray for you to live through each and every crisis, at times I wish you could just go in peace.
I felt guilty at first for having these feelings, but I now know that both come from a place of love.
Either way I suffer. But it is not about me; this is about you.
Oh my dear God, please do what is best for my mother.
I miss you, yet you are with me.
I love you, yet I get frustrated and angry.
It is not you I am angry at, it is this awful disease that strips away your dignity, independence, and the very essence of you.
I will try to remember the good times,the way you gave to so many throughout your life. Your unending patience.
Oh my dear mother, you do not deserve this.
No one does

11 Comments

Beautifully said. I love the part "I miss you, yet you are with me. I love you, yet I get frustrated and angry", such true words for many of us.
I wish we could "like" the original post. So well written, joannna.
Joannna that is so poetic and rings so true to my heart. when we acknowledge the wear and tear on ourselves we get to the point where we ask God to take them if that is His will. It is so painful to see my mother deteriorate. Also I imagine how painful it must be for her. Then I realize that if I live long enough, it will be me. Whats good is that I am being exposed to the realness of the experience of aging and hopefully or rather Im sure it will help me in my own process. The frustration and anger is so real.. As well as the guilt from getting angry or lashing out.
Dear Lord, Please give Joanna and her mother the peace and mercy you have planned for each of them, and be near to Joanna as you have promised you are near to the brokenhearted, you have set the captives free and bound up the brokenhearted. Thank you, in your name Jesus.
Joanna,
My heart goes out to you. How brillant of you to write down your feelings. I hope it gave you some measure of peace. A dear friend of mine had these same feelings, most of us do. At one point she told me she had realized it was not her Mom's journey but in fact hers. As I struggled with my Mom's situation she gently remined me it was my journey. I did cry with Mom's Hospice nurse once and we spoke of the "journey". She did agree most family members are torn between please let the suffering stop and please dont' go. I pray for your peace and your Mother's also.
Thanks Joanna. My mom passed Monday and I have had many of the same feelings you expressed on the long road to get here. Although I am sad I am still relieved the suffering is over for mom.
Not feeling so guilty for the emotions I have after reading these posts. There are times I just need a good cry, I am angry at myself for feeling frustrated and to be honest sorry for myself.
Wow, my thoughts completely. I feel like and pray like this everyday. Thanks for sharing.
Wow, my thoughts completely. I feel and pray like this everyday. Thanks for sharing.
This works for wives taking care of their husbands as well. My husband passed away a year ago and I felt the same way before he left me. Actually, I think it works for any caretaker of a loved one.

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