Unable to forgive myself for hurt and heartache I gave my Mom.

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My mom passed away december 30, 2013. She was an awesome mom and I miss her greatly. While she was in the nursing home she had dementia and was confined to her wheelchair. I spent two years beside her and loved being there with her
most of the time. I spent walking her around the nursing home in her wheelchair watching tv, holding her hand, kissing her forehead, and her cheek or reading verses from the bible to her at bedtime. Then there was the other side of me I still don't understand when she wouldn't eat or drink, I got angry with her I know this is wrong. I would say things to hurt her or slap her or even bend her hand back. I know right now everyone should think what a bad son, but honestly when I did these things I knew I did them after I did them if it makes any sense. I just don't know how I could have done these things or why because mom and I were very close to one another. I feel like I should be locked up put in a mental ward or behind bars. I feel I pushed her away and she died because of what I did. How do I say sorry now that shes gone? I truly do miss my mom and feel very empty and full of guilt.


You say "other side of me" so this hints you may be a little bi-polar. Talk to your MD about counseling and / or medication to help you work this through.
you desperately wanted her to eat and drink and not die

you felt it would have been your fault if you did not make her

(those things were not true, of course)

deliberately hurting her in your anger and fear was bad and wrong, sure, but it does not negate the good things you did, mainly being beside her as much as you were

I happen to be Catholic and what I did with the things I felt were wrong in how I treated my parents - for example, I did not plan a celebration of their 50th birthday - was to take them to the confessional. Even if you are not Catholic, you could ask for this - I did at least once before I "covnerted" (I was already Christian, just Protestant) but my hubby was a cradle Catholic. And formal counseling would also be ideal - in fact a really good confessor would probably tell you to seek it out as part of your penance!
oops I meant 50th anniversary...things were not going well with them or their marriage but that was not a good excuse. There is no telling if it would have made a difference or not and it is probably my single greatest regret!
As caregivers we love our mother's so much it hurts... We are human and make mistakes... Jesus forgives us so that we can move forward in the life he gave us. Forgive yourself also (as many of us must do). I look forward to being with my loved ones in heaven... Be kind to yourself, have faith, read the bible and the great self-help books out there at the library..., and meet new friends (possible at a caregivers group... or, start a caregivers group... they are so needed out there... in every neighborhood)... Remember, your mother would want you to be happy... and, remember... you're not alone.... be kind to yourself... (((hugs)))
Please seek counselling to help you deal with these feelings. You deserve to heal and to go on with your life in ways that you feel proud of. Don't wait to get counseling until you have all your questions resolved ... counseling can help you resolve them.
Honor your mother by seeking counseling. Hurting a weak person is highly inappropriate, you know this. What is done is done, no sense beating yourself up.
If you are truly wanting to make amends to your mom, do so by making sure you do not repeat this bah avoid in the future with a spouse, child, or other.
Please seek counseling.

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