The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Anxiety, I think so many people pre-judge caregivers if they haven't been in that situation themselves a lot of "armchair quarterbacking" if you will. It is easy to judge others if they haven't had to deal with endless doctor's appointments, taking care of someone physically, emotionally, and mentally. Many people do not see how much care one person really needs for even the most basic needs. My mother told me last night how much it cost my great-grandma to care for my great-grandpa who lost mobility and had dementia at the end of his life. It really zapped her until she was a zombie. My great-grandpa was put into a nursing facility for the last four months of his life and my grandma moved in with him (she did not need to, she was still of sound mind and mobile). My great-grandma lived until her 90s after he died (I believe she was in her 70s when he passed).

I think it's interesting how much family dynamics really come into play when you have a critically ill LO. I am just beginning to see a lot of things I should have. On Mark's side of the family, his niece did have to take care of his sister after her cancer advanced to the point it was in her brain. His niece also had to place her father in a care facility for a couple years. I think she would sympathize most out of most of his family. It's been a rough year for me losing my stepdaughter (she was 31) then my Peke (17 years old), and then all this came up with Mark.

Daily I am shocked at the amount of caregivers that feel exactly like I did .

So many beging with "am I the only one". I too thought I was the only one struggling with caregiving. The only one caregiving someone that has mistreated us in one way or another, in the past.

I felt so alone the last year, couldnt talk to my brothers, they don't care.
I told a long time friend that new my childhood, told her I'm having a difficult time handling taking care of mom, with the resentment inside me. She said, " well your just going to have to get over it".

Othere friends would just give me a look if I complained. One told me, ya just do what you have to do. Another told me to take her out to lunch more. Husband understandably wanted me to do less. But if I didn't go to moms , then I couldn't sleep, because I new she was annoyed with me. The look of horror on peoples face if I mentioned a facility, or if I said, shes not living with me and I'm not moving in with her. I felt so alone.

I feel like this is my "ME TOO" moment

I've got more work to do on myself, but you all through me a 🛟 and I grabbed it. So thank you!!!

😉 I failed my empathy test
but I don’t care.

SP196902, I think you mean ‘empathy’ not ‘apathy’. It got me puzzled for a minute or two!

i agree, Here I AM.
i'm glad you stand up for your friends!

i also looked up tom cruise's description of his father. seems he had an abusive father.

tom cruise:
...a "bully", and a "coward" who beat his children.
..."[My father] was the kind of person where, if something goes wrong, they kick you. It was a great lesson in my life—how he'd lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang! For me, it was like, 'There's something wrong with this guy. Don't trust him. Be careful around him.'"

i feel this description is true about narcs/bad/abusive people, in general.
"Don't trust him. Be careful around him." --- smart advice.

protect yourselves. don't trust them. if you can, cut contact. if you can't...well,...you're in a very difficult situation, because YOU'RE THEIR TARGET, and they've got many sneaky ways to get at you. when was the last time you were truly happy?

@Hereiam here is the reality and truth about people with NPD and other disorders. It is a brain defect. They are brain damaged. They lack normal apathy that normal people have. That is why they can act with no remorse. It is the same for people who are excessively altruistic that is the way their brain is wired. Dementia shows how the rewiring of the brain so to speak can change a person's personality and behavior. For example a person can become hyper sexual when befoe they had a normal sex drive and did not act inappropriately. There have been cases of brain injuries giving a person the ability to paint or play a musical instrument exceptionally well when they never had that skill before.

It's not about me. I have several friends who've been surrounded by narcissists, either in the family or at work. The word "narcissist" doesn't mean the same thing for everyone. For a lot of people, it's not a medical term, and they don't mean it medically.

In any case, I strongly believe narcissists know what they're doing. They're not a - victim - of some disorder. If that - particular person - does have a disorder (in addition to being a narcissist), then it's some other mental illness. You know, "doctors" have invented and eliminated mental disorders and mental illnesses for centuries. You don't need to believe everything "doctors" say. I guarantee you, 50 years from now, they'll say "narcissistic disorder" doesn't exist: what we're actually talking about is simply extremely selfish, self-absorbed people.

Before, "hysteria" existed as an illness. Don't believe everything "doctors" say. Use your judgement.

Back to my point, narcissists know what they're doing. You can test it very easily. Insert a WITNESS, whom they care about, whom they don't want to show their true colors to. Narcissists can absolutely control how they behave, and towards whom they behave badly. Narcissists CHOOSE their victim. Narcissists want to DESTROY their victim. Narcissists are often extremely JEALOUS of their victim.

And narcissists often like to - team up - with other narcissists.
Birds of a feather...

If you find yourself in the line of fire, of a team of narcissists, watch your back. Don't trust them. Stay away, if you can.

Narcissists will never give you peace. On the contrary. They'll wage war against you. They won't stop. They're the opposite of peace.

Hereiam, I do not doubt any trama or hardship you may have faced. DO stay away from people who will abuse you.

However, I cannot see value in demonising people for their personality traits.

How does a narcisstic personality disorder begin?

Also from the internet;

"Negative childhood experiences. There may be a link between negative childhood experiences. Trauma, rejection, neglect and lack of support during childhood can all contribute to developing narcissistic traits".

From the internet, about karma and narcissists. Someone’s reply to whether karma exists:

Yes it definitely does. Narcissists are definitely evil people.

If you look at their lives SUPERFICIALLY, anyone will think that they get away with everything and leave you in a real war zone.

Truth is however, entirely different:

We normal human beings can enjoy ourselves and have inner happiness without anything special happening. Narcissists FAKE laughter and fake smiles. Always.

Their character is really weak. Unbelievably weak.

Have you ever seen a narcissist in peace? I have never seen one.
There is always a lot of inner frustration. Always. Until they blow up like a volcano. Have you never seen one raging? I have.

All their relationships with other human beings are always superficial and always fail. Always.

Family members until they learn the lesson all prefer to stay far away from this person.

The minute a real narcissist dies, the persecuted humans feel relief.

They are such negative and panicky people. Drama galore.

And hey, living in habitual sin has serious repercussions. You cannot expect to live decades breaking God’s every rule and not expect consequences. Inside these people is the demonic. That I know for sure. Would you ever want to exchange their inner them with yours? I definitely do not want that.

One of the laws of the universe says, what you throw at the world comes back to you multiplied. And the above is clear evidence that it definitely does precisely that.

DoYoda,
I have read your stuff.
Support from your friends on here!

One common definition of depression is anger turned inward.

Sorry that the medical profession has let you down. You have every reason to be angry. And many other reasons too!

My take on medications is that it is: 1) between you and your doctor, and
2) For myself, less is better.

What is the weather like in your area today?

Cat, I hope you are successful. Good luck!

Wow good luck cat, that sounds awful stressful, make sure to take care of yourself though all that.

I'm nervous, on the precipice of what could be a major life change for me and elderly mother. My mother has been financially exploited for decades but now, after the somewhat recent deaths of my mentally ill brother and drug addict sister, I finally hired my own lawyer and am filing for conservatorship tomorrow. Hopefully moving her up to my home in WA, and selling her house in CA. After hundreds of thousands of dollars have gone missing during mom's attempt to live on her own (while under the influence of the live-in, long game grifter, my sister's ex-boyfriend who can do no wrong), I don't see how the court can turn me down. The biggest shock to me these past few years, while I tried to set up a protective net for mom, it ended up locking me out. I could not get her new lawyer, her bank or even her doctor to take my warning calls, much less act on them. Wish me luck, this is going to be a rough ride.

The good news is that my wife's experience at the pain center on Friday seems to be working.

My online narcolepsy group is helping me. I wrote them up a historical context of all of this. I'm sharing it here is case, my story might shed light on someone else's experience.

I have likely given you parts of this already, but here is the whole context in one place as I posted on my support group.

Ok, here is the broader historical context of this.


1. My DNA shows a chance of being a nappier person than 60% of the population which I inherited from my mom who took several naps a day for her entire life which became worse as she got older


2. My professional and personal stress level skyrocketed in 1997 which finally came down in 2005.


3. Early in that period, I put on a good amount of weight which I could not lose despite everything I tried.


4. I was diagnosed with depression in 2002 and with bipolar in 2003. Soon after that, I went on disability and never worked again.


5. I was tested for sleep apnea in the mid-2000s and was diagnosed as such.


6. Somewhere in there I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes which became the actual thing.


7. As time went on, I complained more and more to my psychiatrist about my sleepiness. She tried Nuvigil, and Provigil. For some reason, she started with Ritlin to solve this.

They all failed. Then, she tried an antipsychotic for bipolar depression. It did not work.


8. In 2017 I moved to another city but kept seeing her in person or online. I left her about a year and a half ago to people who kept saying I was depressed and kept throwing one anti-psychotic after another at me which only made my sleepiness worse.


9. In frustration, I reached out to my former psych and she took me back. After trying me on one more anti-psychotic claiming it did not make people sleepy, she stopped in our meeting that day and said, "You are not depressed, you are pissed off. I think you have narcolepsy and must be tested for it.


10. That was October of last year. It took me to January of this year to convince my sleep doctor to have me tested for narcolepsy and diagnosed with it.


So, my conclusion is that things like weight gain, trouble losing weight, the development of diabetes and sleep apnea which are often preceded by weight gain as well as possibly my mental health issues
all somehow or in some way are connected to narcolepsy.

Looking back, I think it has been there or increasing for a long time.

Narcolepsy often develops for some of us later on because of the right combination of DNA and extreme stress in our lives.

I am not a doctor at all. Nor am I trying to play doctor on myself.

However, as one trained in Greek exegesis and the Inductive English Bible Study Method plus being a history minor who loved church history courses in seminary and the son of an engineer plus doing doctoral research, this is my hermeneutic concerning this matter.

Ask any questions that you may have.

BEAUTIFUL.

Definition:
The person who is reading this.

Gurshen, I can't totally relate, to the old me and new me. My family doesn't like the new me either, and with doing caregiving for mom, if I spend to much time with her, and her manipulative ways the old me starts to come back and I have to do the work all over again to re find the new me.

A friend of mine told me once. I really didn't change, there isn't a new me. The new me was the person I was ment to be , the new me is the true me. The old me is what everyone's
bulling , controlling and manipulating turned me into

I believe that's probably true

“You can’t do ugly things to people and expect to live a beautiful life.”

I hope it’s true!
And in the context of caregiving, I hope it’s true about those elderly LOs who, were kindly taken care of by (usually the daughter), and then viciously abused the daughter who took care of them. It happened to so many of us caregivers here on aging.com.

I know emotional abuse all too well. Without going into too many details I was in three back to back emotionally abusive relationships all through my twenties. A counselor once told me "you choose these relationships" At the time I thought "oh great, another thing I've done wrong" But now I realize he meant I didn't think I deserved better and therefore subconsciously chose these men.

I suffered bullying all through my school years and as an adult also realized that my own family were bullying me. It wasn't till after caregiving for my mom and the self esteem it brought me that I realized I deserve better. Funny, (NOT), my family doesn't seem to care for the new me. Ah well, boo hoo for them.

Speaking of which. I'm seeing them this weekend. Not looking forward to it. Even though I now know I deserve better I still get really nervous at the thought of being around them. At Christmas I sensed a new kind of hostility from them. Probably the not liking the new me. Again, ah well..................

"When you choose peace it comes with a lot of goodbyes"

I love this too.

However, I found that the goodbyes had to remain unsaid, at least out loud to the relevant party. Otherwise they just brought arguments, and more accusations of me being in the wrong and "not quite right" minded.

If you truly want peace, you avoid these confrontations.

I simply distanced myself, slowly or quickly as the situation demanded. Explanations aren't necessary. Responding to "Why" or "Can we bury the hatchet?" is not useful, and, in fact, only prolongs the dysfunction.

Not that there aren't situations with some people where going into the "Goodbye" might be beneficial, but not with the really toxic. We each can judge that difference for ourselves.

My two cents...

Doggie - I'm glad you are waking up to the manipulation and taking steps to protect yourself.

Venting,
I love that "When you choose peace it comes with a lot of goodbyes".
It's beautiful.

@sp Thank you for your encouragement. I probably should have realized things years ago, but yeah, at least I am only 37 and I did realize it. I apologize if I am venting a lot on here. I do sympathize with Mark and realize he is scared and feeling powerless, but this change would have had to happen anyway if had passed. I realize I am not much for big city life.

I realize now how much the "love bomb" technique is being employed right now because if he gets what he wants I become "sweetie" or "honey". I had a major meltdown yesterday and tired calling him, just to talk, and he basically told me "don't call me unless you're happy". He stonewalls me unless he wants something. His latest thing is his pillow. I did give him a pillow (off our bed) but it was the "wrong" pillow which wasn't soft enough for his back. It is weird what becomes the straw the breaks the camel's back, but until he went into ICU in Feb I really didn't stop to examine how fragile and broken my mental state is/was. I think a lot of it is my body and brain healing from nearly 15 years of being married and at least ten of them stressed out.

"When you choose peace, it comes with a lot of goodbyes."

@Doggiemom86 I am so glad you found the courage to divorce Mark and get out of this marriage. You are awesome, Mark not so much. He no longer has control over you and the reality of his life is now setting in for him. I don't feel sorry for him after everything he has put you through before and during his hospital stay. Also really glad nephew and his girlfriend are no longer in your house too. You are going to do great in your new life. Enjoy it!

Well, I found out that Mark is really angry at me because I said I couldn't care for him. He expected me to try to move him to New Mexico and to have an assisted living apartment (on what funds, I have no clue) and for me to work! He is angry because I am getting an actual divorce rather than just for the sake of Medicaid. It started out that way, just to get him Medicaid, but I realized more that our marriage was not healthy. It has eaten away at my self-esteem and leading to more and more meltdowns and mental health crisis, and I don't want to fall apart. Mark's nephew Robert, does not realize what I have been dealing with for two years here is a summary.

Mark has so many doctors it is unbelievable. He has a PCP (that was over an hour away), an oncologist, a renal doctor, a wound care doctor (not now that the leg is amuptated), and a doctor for gut health. On a typical day to get him to a doctor I would have to help get him from the bed by helping him sit up, helping him slide to the side of the bed. I would help him get on his pants and socks. He would stand for a minute and I would help him get in the chair. To get in the car I would have to help him stand and lift his leg (this was before amputation) and help push him into the car. I would then have to readjust his leg. I then loaded the wheelchair into the back of the car. When we got to the doctor's appointment, I would have to lift his leg back out and help him balance back into the chair. I would repeat what I did to get him into the car. I was having to wrap his leg about two times a day. He could not get in and out of the shower so I was sponge bathing him.

It was a production if he needed to use the bedside toilet because I'd have to help him take off his pants and undies and steady him until he got on the toilet and transfer. I would need to be sure he wiped himself and then help him pull all the clothes back on and get back on the wheelchair. Then, the worse part, emptying the nasty thing. Mark then needed to wheel himself to the sink to wash his hands. Yep, see how complicated it is?

Mark’s nephew and stepdaughter’s boyfriend left back for their part of TX today. They got a U-Haul and got about 90% of Mark’s junk out of the house. My anxiety level has dropped way, way down. Wow. It is crazy because Mark will most likely be in a nursing home in Edinburg vs here in the Dallas area. Robert gave me the “chew out” about how I am abandoning Mark and once again put down my mental illness. I don’t miss Dustin (then stepdaughter’s bf) smoking p*t which makes my asthma act up and playing music at an insane level. Mark is angry at me because He thought I would move him to NM to and take care of him. Robert said karma will bite me in the butt and at least he is not abandoning his uncle.


Mark says I am neglecting my vows when I told him is it not safe to leave a bedbound man alone (I would have to work). It would not be feasible to even move him as delicate as his condition is. Mark is angry I am doing a real divorce. I had a mental crisis and tried to talk to Mark and he said he doesn’t want to talk to me unless I am happy.

Yes burnt, I did get off the guilt train, 🚂 , luckily before I got to the rubber room station. 😜

Thank you so much burnt. 😊

Been working hard on improving myself and I'm going to keep it up. 😍

@Anxietynacy

Good for you! I'm pleased that you have found the way to set yourself free from abusive neediness, manipulation games, and guilt-trips. That is great. Congratulations on graduating from The BurntCaregiver School of Coping. You did good. I stopped doing the doctors' appointments for my mother a while back. I had been responsible for every doctors appointment since I moved back here. I wasn't able to work good hours anymore because I had to be available for two and three (sometimes more) doctors' appointents a week usually. Until I made myself unavailable for any. my mother enjoys socializing with her doctors and their staff. Someone else takes her to those outings now.

Also, congrats on giving your abusive old man the heave-ho ten years ago. No doubt that worked wonders for you in recovering your own self-worth.

People like us have spent years, decades even, on board the guilt train that our abusive parents put us on. I'm always thrilled to hear when one of those guilt trains derails. Good for you.

Thanks Golden 😊

That's wonderful house flower!

Doggiemom, when you have been abused it makes you a target for other abusers. They can sence you are an easy pray, so be strong!!

Some good news to report - my mother’s Medicaid was approved. She and my father are now permanently in a NH. I feel like I won the lottery.