The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?


Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.

The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"

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Just think Ali, tomorrow night you will be in your new place, exhausted and looking at boxes trying to figure out what you will do next to your new place. It is exciting.

Duck, mental illness is a sad and frightening fact of life in many families. It sounds to me as though your mom and sister share that and have for years.

I'm glad that you are beginning to see the situation for what it is. Stick with therapy. Save every penny you can ( and stop paying for stuff in the house!). There is a great forum called Bogleheads that's all about saving, investing and personal finance. You can get a sound beginner's education there;
(I certainly did!)

Good luck with the housing lotteries!

It's 1am, movers will be here at 9am. I have nothing prepared, didn't even take the cats to the new place in preparation. I'm telling myself that it will be hectic, but somehow it will all work out... because it always does.

By the time they get here, I'll have the cats in their carriers and we'll go from there. It will be ok. I'm a bit sick with the anxiety of it all but it will work out. One more tough hurdle.

Well, that was a long drive, 5.5 hours about. Got to the turn off to take the high road for colors and continental divide and it started to rain, up there probably snow. So I did not go that way. Maybe on the way home, we will see.

Duck, I just have to say I do not know how you have someone this for so long. Something will come along soon and I am pleased and relived that you recognize the only solution to care for you is to get out of there.

Doesn't New York have a state program that will pay family caregivers? I am not suggesting you stay, not one bit. Just curious. Someone on this website a number of years ago was caring for grandma, if I remember right and was paid, according to her 7K a month.

Frazzled, Sharyn, thank you, for the advice and understanding it means a lot.

I have been getting same advice since I first joined the AC family. I just could not see my self leaving my mother especially knowing the negligence. I so often remember my mother telling me she was tired of cleaning up behind me and blowing my mind and realizing that it was a defense mechanism and wondering how one could flip reality like that and if they really believed this farce and how on earth they could.

I learned so much and so many things I never wouof thought I didnt know. I think people think like I do and that is my gravest error in life. I assume blood is thicker than water. I really beleived that.

For me to finally see clearly, and come to same conclusion after so many years is breathtaking and somewhat scary that I took so long to see the l
Surely I have trust issues, and I guess I acutally gaslighted myself. Not wanting to believe the capacity of hate and jealousy in my sister. I still cannot fanthom how she and the nephew can litterallly blame me for everything. Oh, yes my mother did same. But where is the logic in thinking I am backing up the toilets and pipes. Where is the logic in not considering my mother has dementia and all the possibilites that come with the condition.

Now that I have processed the validity of the need to get out of dodge, I need to save and actually find a place which takes me frequently check out housing options in the NYC housing forum. I usually apply for every and anything and fall under or over the limits.

I have faith something will come through and I just pray for strengh untill it does.
I felt really broken this weekend the constant blame for and ridiuculous accusations became overbearing. I had flash backs of the same with my mother and knew the origin of this mode of operation. Its really so sad. But its getting clearer and clearer and all these events strengthen my heart and reserve to do whats best for me and living for mysel
And its overwhelming to see my ignorance and how long it has lasted, how I so strongly subcounsciously denied the reality of who my sister and mother are and who I am to them.

I just pray the truth comes out and Karma right beside it.
Thanks to all who took the time and patience and helped me see the truth.
I dont know what I would have done with out this forum and the wonderful spirts that serve it. Thanks amundo!!!!

Rays of love and peace and grace to all.

Duck, it is hurtful to accept a situation for what it is. You truly care but your hands are tied. I’m hoping housing becomes available soon.

(((DDDuck))), I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds very frustrating. It sounds like it would be good if you could get a place of your own. You need some space from the drama, and you would be less stressed out trying to figure out your mom's care arrangements and the house issues. You could still be there for her, and could then act accordingly if you felt that she was still not getting the care she needs. But it would be much less stressful for you.

((Golden)), I hope you are feeling better today.

Glad, good that the house is coming along. Weed patches are frustrating. We have a bare patch in our front yard where we've been trying to get good grass planted and thriving, but we haven't had luck so far. Used just seeds but probably need to re-sod. My DH did plant some seeds in the back that grew in nice and green. We have a lot of weeds here too. My flower bed looks terrible right now.

Haven't talked to mom's medical team any more since the last visit, but mom called this morning, said she was doing better - but then asked me if I was going to come pick her up once she is discharged (still no discharge date yet). I said yes that I would be there to pick her up and give her a ride back to her apartment.

She then insisted that she wanted to come home with me and that she was NOT going back there. I said, "But mom, that is where you live. All of your clothes and things and there, and the nurses there have your medicine." She said no, that she doesn't want to go back and kept insisting that she wants to come home with me.

The other day, she was asking to call the manager of the facility where she lives. I didn't have the number on me. They don't let you bring your purse or phone back in the visiting area on the psych unit. I don't know why she was wanting to call, but was thinking maybe to thank her for the flowers the facility sent to her. They have been very kind and have said they are thinking of mom and hope she feels better. The manager is very sweet.

Mom was saying the other day she just wanted to get out of the psych facility and go back home to her apt, now she's adamant that she doesn't want to. Grrr, different day, different mood, I guess. I did call a few minutes ago and left a brief message for her therapist there about some of my concerns, and asking if the psych facility provides transportation back to the senior facility. If they can provide the transportation back once she is discharged, I think that will be better.

So, I stopped my self and just told him I am not going to waste my breath and raise my blood pressure telling him about himself. Then while I was out he called me to door to show me where someone had been chiseling at wood around lock. I leave the gate open sometimes when I am back and forth doing laundry and shopping so I said I would start locking the gate.

So when I finally came in the toilet was working and all seemed well. The next day no water and the toiled was backed up again. so I left my self out of it. Feeling that if they cut off water they are addressing issue.
Saturday I go down to wait for meals to come. Saw water was on and madea bee line to shower finding it was only hot water on. So I kept plunging and just got the toilet working on way to work today.

Bottom line is How long it took me to see the situtuation for what it is is sad. Becuase the house is falling apart and nobody seems to care and everybody blames me for everything. Its amazing. I cried saturday as I came from a nice day of shopping for my grandaughter the baby to send her something for her birthday and had a lovely time dinning alone. I just had to get away, I was so frustrated. I had mopped and clean the whole floor the day before. Got rid of a heavy wooden large fold up table that was broken and sitting for every while I had help. The guy was there originally to mop down halls and fix toiled until we found flood and leak.

When my sister came down with her bame, I felt like I flew over to her and told her in not such nice words that I would not be calling him back. Its on her floor now do something to fix something in house for a change.

Anyway the sad thing for me is that I really saw the picture that a lot of you had been seeing when I first posted. The house is falling apart. I am feeling like its a brownstone worth a lot here and a family house. But what good is it if itsnot well kept. I am the only one who seems to care about the house or my mother for that matter. I mean it took me two days to unclog the toilet and its still no running cold water to flush toilet which means I have to fill tank before I leave. Also while I was waiting for mealsto come my mother was lugging a pail of water up to top floor. she was on a mission saying to had to flush toilet. I couldnt stop her and I didnt have the energy. When I go up to give her her meal before I went shopping she is in back room by herself and my sister had herdoor closed, as usuual. Is she really planning to do the family leave and get paid to watch my mother when she does nothing. Surely there Karma or the powere that be, wont allow that.,. I hope not anyway.

But in all honesty, I finnally saw in my heart and spirt what everyone tried to tell me when I first started posting. So thank you all for being there from the beginning and the honest and truthful openess. Now I can see myself moving out and reporting all to aps. Being there to open the door for them.

In the meantime, I wait for an afordable place and stay in prayer. While I was shopping I ran into a woman who had bought her brother home from nursing home for his birthday and buying all kinds of sweets stating she hopes the nurses dont find out. He was diabetic and she was sending him home from his birhday visit with a load of sweets. We talked from there and I teared up seriously while talking to her because our situationshere the same. she said except she was the youngest and I was the oldest. After that bawl I felt awfully better. She was a Godsend, it was no coincidence.

Its the same here. I feel the same way, revealing my pain, my hurt my sorrow, and seeing some one understands and accepts my craziness, accepts me. Sometimes when this happens I feel so lonely, I get sad, I get depressed. My ex told me I could come and shower and cook anytime, day or night. The support gave me strengh even if I would not take him up on it.

I am just trying to say that all the advice I have gotten on here is genuinely true

I am not caught up and glad to hear the pleasant news I have read so far.

Glad, I am so happy for you and the new residence. I love fall scenery and it seems you are in the midst of it all.

Frazz, nice post about your mom. It is charming. She moved in a new neighborhood and fit right in. Must be something special that the roommate actually shared how helpful you mother was to her.I think its awesome.

Golden, I hope you feel better soon. I have been having bouts with something and now I have gone from runny nose to stopped up and itchy. I find very high doses of vit C helps when I get a bug. And if I get congested garlic, slivers in water does the trick. I try not to let my congestion settle, I have a bad way to go if I do and it getts scary for me. Also I take oregano oil, but slowed down becuause of my stomach but it helps also.

I think with this fall season comes a new wave of pollen. I was sitting out with neighbor weeding and planting her front yard and as I sat and smelled the green I could feel my sinuses filling up.

Cmag, wow, you are from Greenville, well my home town is right next door Little Washington. I love NC and a lot of cousins were posting damage. My son says he has leak in roof. For years it seems the storms dont hit there hard. Glad all was well enjoy your trip. You can get real busy in Orlando, Have fun and enjoy.

Sharyn I send prayers for you and your brother.

My drama continues, had a bad few days off. When guy fixed toiled tank went in basement to cut off water and it was flooded and water pouring. I told him it happens when sewer line gets backed up. My mother had been stopping up toilet and I would plounge it tthrough. Well he ran snake got nothing. says something is backed up somewhere. So he ran snake through bathroom then we went on each floor. When we get to top my sister says its in there meaning the kitchen which has no sink or stove. I couldnt believe when my mother took them out. I came by and saw the stove sitting on sidewalk. Pefectly working, clean stove. that was maybe 15 years ago.

Well anyways there was a leak in one of the kitchen pipes. He says it needed a gasket and that there was nothing more he could do. I ran into my "aunt" one of my mothers best friends in another neighbors house looking for me. She had a brithday present for me. She is the one I had tried to hire way back to mop and clean halls when I was really frutstrated. She hadnt been by to see my mother. I think it was frustrating because my mother would get really nasty with her putting her out. It seemed they riled eachother up. Its was sad and commical to see. My mother calls me by her name a lot.

So anyways I hooked up some ribs and chicken with this pecan bbq rub I ordered and was happy to have a sampler. Came out good too!! So my sister comes down asking where is this man. I forgot to mention that when I asked her how long it had been leaking she didnt answer until he did. So I started not to answer her but did. Then she demands I call him back becuase he broke the pipes that everything was okay before he came. that I am putting all kind of stuff in toilet backing up pipes. Then nephew texts me to stop pouring human waste in 2nd flor toilet its backing up pipes. Then while I am out with neighbor one of the guys who works with cole the handyman comes over and tell me he hears I am backing up the pipes. So I had a very strssful weekend. The next morning I woke up to find the water off. So many ways to turn it back on, I gave up going up and down to basement to see if I could turn on water for a shower and just did a bird bath with some babywipes and bottle water. I had to get out of the house and just walked and ended up sitting out front with neighbor. When I took my things in house, the nephew was there. And I opened my mouth to blast him about the text he sent me blaming me for the problem and ask him where elsedo you put human waste.

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