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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.

The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"

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Golden

i love borax for laundry but would never think of it as a shampoo enhancer 💆
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Glad

skal 🍺
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Golden, I'm glad you made it home safe. I had to laugh at the airport incident, only because of how crazy they get with the luggage inspections and searches sometimes. I had a tube of Bath and Body Works lotion that I had received as a gift seized from my bag some years back when they started getting more strict about liquid products and toiletries in the carry-on bags. I guess they thought my Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion could be dangerous lol.

I also had no idea Borax works as a scalp treatment. I may have to try that.
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Ahhh... I'm so busy lately but it's all good stuff.

Lurk, lurk, lurk. *Waves at everyone.*

I'm reading some but don't feel I have much to add. I'm happy everyone is here and sharing and receiving support.

Golden, you're in my thoughts and I hope that everything's going reasonably well.

Borax for hair, really? I need a good clarifying shampoo once in awhile. I think something like that, a detergent, may work.

Good night, all. I was on my feet about 15 hours today. It's enough. zzzzzz
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Well I am happy for both of you!

Remember that old commercial that went "Curlers in your hair!, Shame on You!"
Well Golden, we can change that to Borax in your hair for you. No shame involved though. :)
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Borax in your hair? Really?

I am happy for you and me too.

Beat you to bed.
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Glad I am happy for you and for me. Heading off to bed soon!. Actually lots of things worked out very well this past week. They just fell into place.

Well, other than the security check. They found something on my computer. The immodium I took before the flight maybe. I said I am 81 I take a few drugs, They were very nice but I had a full body pat down, and they went through all my stiff with a fine tooth comb. and asked if I had checked luggage which I did. Then I remembered I had a baggie with some white powder in it in my suitcase which might have looked suspicious to them. It was borax (yes from the laundry room) that makes a very good hair cleanser and scalp treatment. Oh well. On arrival, I claimed my suitcase no problem and when I got home I looked in it and it was undisturbed. Another adventure has ended.
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Yay, Golden! Home and comfy a good night's sleep inn your own bed tonight

Yes I had fun have not done anything close to that is almost eight years. Hard to believe. Still know how to talk to people.😉
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mom'shelp -thank you

east - thank you. Glad to hear your hub has quit smoking. Your bro is showing his true colours. and you dd is like him. Hope you can move away from the guilt feelings. You have done nothing to feel guilty about.

dj - sounds familiar - my mother raged her way though our lives. Your mum sounds like she craves attention. I know she is hard on you

Glad - hope you had fun. Managed to catch the early plane and was home about 4 pm. Yay!!

It feels so good to be home,The lawyer is very helpful. I will get a batch of documents to review soon. Then in January sometime I will have to go down and sign things. Meanwhile I will be in contact with mother's financial advisor re forms I have to fill out. Probate will take about 5 months as the courts are backed up.

Truthfully I feel as if a load has been lifted. I have had a few tears -some just due to fatigue. I do think quite a bit about mother - the last few years and also before but it is OK.

Another part of her gift was never having any fear or negative feelings about death. I remember many, many, many years ago when I was around 20 mother talked about death and said it was part of life. She had total acceptance then and through her life. No one including her wants to suffer with disease, but actual death and what lies after was an adventure to her. It is a good legacy.
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Part of reclaiming life after four years of caregiving, and three and a half of recovery, went with friends to have a beer in a bar (some may think that's tacky) tonight. Had a wonderful time getting to know these people a bit more outside of work.

Golden, hope if your are not home yet, that you are on your way and an uneventful flight!
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Dsyfunction- my mother was always angry at life and yelling at me. My grandmother took me every weekend of my childhood. Now my mother is last of all the relatives ( an only child) and she is bitter and over focused on her health. Goes to dr and talks forever, because she has no friends now. Dr gives her med for her 20 problems and then she refuses to take them. She manipulates, calls me in crisis and then calm the longer we talk, no crisis at all.
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From EastEagle,
Hi Everyone, so sorry that I have not been on here for some time and now I am  barging in. 
Golden - I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother.  I usually read all of the posts on here, but didn't get the chance to write back.  So much has happened over the last few months, so I will go back and read all of them again.   My husband turned 70 years old on Nov 2nd.  He started coughing in October and went to the Doctors, had a chest X-ray, which came back as "clear."    I wanted the Doctor to order a lung scan, because my husband has been a smoker for so long, but maybe he will on the next appointment.   The good news is that my Husband has not smoked since October and he has an inhaler which seems to help. So we are thinking that his life-long allergies just got worse for some reason - in October - and that he now has asthma.   He only coughs in the morning and at night which is typical of asthma.  We also just found out that our oldest Daughter and her husband are getting a divorce.  This is the Daughter who is very hard to figure out, and has been very nasty to me.  She is the type of person who does not seem to have any empathy for other people.  A perfect example is:  Her Grandmother (my Mother) has been so good to her over the years, going shopping with my Daughter and her 2 children to buy all of their school clothes, winter jackets, and summer clothes too.  My Mother can't go out shopping anymore, so she sent some money to my Daughter.  My Daughter has not called her Grandmother for a long time.   I think her attitude and behavior towards my Mother is inexcusable.  So now I have realized that this Daughter is a lot like my Brother. Which brings me to Xmas time. 
My Brother had not been in touch with me since July.  He doesn't call, he texts me.  So I just texted him and asked him what his plans are for Xmas and if he will be going to our Mother's house along with his 2 Sons.  The oldest son is married and has a 2 year old.  My Mother loves her Grandson's wife, and she adores their baby (her Great Grandson) and she really enjoys it when they visit her. My Brother never told me what his plans are but he did say his (second)Wife is in Florida, visiting her Daughter and Grandkids, and she might stay there all winter.  I found out from my Mother that my Brother left yesterday for Florida, and he will also be there for Xmas Eve, but they plan to come home on Xmas Day.  He told my Mother that they will go right to her house to eat.  He asked her if she will be cooking all of his favorite food.  Of course he knows that my Mother can't walk that well and is half blind too.  I realized that my Brother is the type of person who makes sure that HIS Holiday will be fun and totally relaxing, he will not have to do any of the usual work that is involved in the Holidays.   I now see how clever he is at arranging his Holidays, and expects my Mother and everyone else to do all the work.  Of course, my Mother will not be able to cook for him.  The whole situation is ridiculous.   There is so much more to the situation, too much going on.  My brother is trying to control how much my Mother spends on food, and he is upset that she gives our Cousin a little money for doing all of her errands. Our Cousin is the one who picks up my Mother's  meds, and takes her to all of her Doctor appointments.  (she lives close by).  My Mother only wants our Cousin or my Brother to help her, and is still resistant to any outside help.  But of course - I am still feeling very guilty for not living closer to her and not being there to do more.  The guilty feelings never end.  Anyway, I hope you all have the best Holidays possible.  Thanks for letting me vent here.
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Golden, your thoughts on your mothers passing are beautiful. Thanks for sharing your journey & look forward to seeing how the journey continues. Your strength emotionally & physically are admirable through this. The fire alarm when you were finally able to rest was classic. Glad you don't take chances, I don't either.

Chris, it is frustrating, in my family it was just that the boys were always right. Where are those boys now?

DDuck, sorry for your loss but glad it's leading to a reconnection in your family. That sweeping though!
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Chris, I am sorry they won't listen to you, It may not entirely by due to the differences between you and your brother. Those who do not live with the senior don't see the day to day issues. Many of us have experienced that. it is very frustrating,

glad - thx. I could only get an evening flight so I will spend hours at the airport, after seeing the lawyer, but that's ok. I will be on my way home!!!!😊😊😊
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Golden, so I don't forget, travel safely tomorrow.
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My elderly mother made impossible claims.....AGAIN

Today, she 'claimed', she had replaced the flapper on the upstairs toilet, twice. She bought the house in 2003. She put a multi-level shelf over the toilet in question. That goes to the floor, and almost four feet above the top of the toilet tank. Leaving only enough room to take the top off the tank. But no room to put a hand all the way to the bottom of the tank.

I stopped her a couple years ago. From calling a plumber to replace the flapper in the downstairs bathroom. So how in the world can she replace a flapper in the first place.

But I don't mention my concerns to my elderly father n' stepmother(they told me to tell them; they live 10mi. away). Because, When I have. They have ignored what I said.

This is another example of believing my married, college-educated, non-disabled, younger brother. But, My being divorced, college-dropout, and disabled. I don't deserve the respect of being treated like. What I say, actually is worthy of listening to. Let alone believing.
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thx gershun

glad -it will be over when the final taxes/paperwork is over, but it is winding down for sure.

I slept a lot and rested today which has really helped.

So looking forward to getting back home.
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Yes, Golden a new much less stressful life for you. Proud that you were able to continue to help mom for so many years and so many moves in the last few years. Not at all easy by any stretch. Just look forward to resting and take care of you.
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Golden, your thoughts about your mom are lovely and thank-you for sharing them with us.
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More musings...

The death of a loved one brings many emotions, They come and go like autumn leaves falling or snow flakes drifting to the ground - each unique. Grief has its own agenda. I don't fight it. I know it is part of the process of living. 

It was a complicated relationship which covered the territory from great example to dreadful dysfunction. To say it stretched me, is a vast understatement. Despite having Borderline Personality Disorder, mother accomplished many valuable things in her life and I am proud of what she did. However, I am glad her journey is finally over. She was tired.

And now a new journey begins for me.
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Thx Fraz -getting some decent rest now and I feel OK.

Thx Riverdale. I was concerned that she night hang on as so much of her was still in good shape, but she went pretty quickly and easily. My father gave me the same gift of peace though his body fought a bit. Both of them were at peace and I hope to give the same gift to my children.
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That is such a lovely final message golden. I have followed your story here this past week. You of course were at this for such a long time. I can't imagine coping for so long but I am glad the end went well and your mother came from such a strong sort of stock. I am glad there was such peace at the end for you both. I often wonder how it will end with my mother and find it hard to imagine.
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Just musing here.

The Final Gift.

Mother was immobile except for her eyes. I held her hand but there was no response., I stroked her cheek, and again, no response, I gently kissed her forehead. The only response was from her blue eyes. which were focused on mine, There was no fear, no uncertainty, no pain, no worry in those clear blue eyes. She was at peace and that was a gift to me.
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Oh no, Golden, what a pain! I don't blame you for not taking any chances though. I hope you're able to relax now and get some rest after all that.
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Fire alarm. I am on the 4th floor so, half asleep, I tore down 4 flights of stairs wondering where everyone else was. False alarm. Oh well. I got some exercise. After the fire two years ago, I don't make any assumptions.
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Golden, I’m glad they packed up for you. It would be a great help. Get rest now, I’m sure you still have to do.
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We were given more lee way when my mom passed. I think it was after the memorial service. I can’t complain. We packed up pictures and other items we wanted to keep and donated her furniture to a women’s shelter which they came to picked up. There was a bit of a rush to do it as they had someone who wanted the room.

The rented hospital bed, wheel chair was all removed the same day by hospice. They don’t mess around wanting their items back. Luckily my mom passed in the morning.
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Gershun - we had that when we moved mother from her ALF to the NH and then they called me back about an item that was actually theirs. But the NH said I had a few days and weren't pushy about it. In both moves there were missing items. This time mother's nice bedspread disappeared too. I gained some clothing and lost others. I hear you about the principle. Personally I can't let it bother me. I have too much to do now as executor.

cwillie - yes, it is extra planning and work. Thankfully the worst part of that is over. R will bring what I have kept up to Fort Mc in January when he has to come up anyway. I still have a little to sort through.

Right now I have to rest. The obit is done, everyone is informed, Pretty well everything I can do for now been done. At least I slept some yesterday and last night. Watching "First Knight" (Camelot) for diversion.
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We have to clear the room within 24 hours here too, it wasn't a big deal for me since mom shared her room and there was little more than her clothes but it has to be an added burden at a stressful time for those who actually must move furniture.
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Golden, I am happy for you that the nursing home staff were so nice When my Mom died we received a call the day after informing us that we had 24 hours to clear out her room or else they would need to store it. There were quite a few missing items too. A beautiful bedspread I had picked out for her, some nice fluffy pillows my sis had bought, some skin cream, etc. I sure hope whoever took them enjoyed.

I know I had no use for the items but its the whole principle of the thing that bothers me.
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