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My husband and I have been married almost 3 years. We live with his aging father full time because he has had a stroke about 5 years ago and recently was told he's no longer able to drive. We do everything for him. He is still in his right mind most of the time, and can still do things for himself (when his lady friend doesn't come over and baby him and do everything for him). The deal is my father in laws daughter lives less than 1/2 a mile from here, we can't get her to help with him, or even take him for an hour so that we can get away, his lady friend comes once a week and we leave for a while so that is some help. I guess what my problem is, is my life is here taking care of my father in law, I do laundry, order meds, clean up after him, cook for him, take him to drs. appts. and on top of that listen to him ridicule me and order me around. He doesn't tell people i'm his daughter in law, he says i'm his maid or his driver. Yes it hurts my feelings, i am full of resentment that my husband can go take care of the cattle and not have to deal with him all day long, and his own daughter will not help out, I even scrub feces out of the carpet and clean pee sheets. Hubby refuses for us to go to counseling, get home health care or anything else that may help, I have had to cancel so many of my own dr appts. because his father would refuse to go with me. My husband also gives me guilt trips saying I act like its so much work to take care of everything here. My resentment grows....I feel I have no "out" my out is when I go shower I stay there and just cry. We had our little grand daughter here at Christmas for a week, she's my biological grand daughter and hubby's step grand daughter. I would get up to make her breakfast, but hubbys dad would want his first, so I would have to do everything for him FIRST. Never mind a hungry 3 year old. It's getting to the point my husband and I fight every day over his dad, when I get my feelings hurt over how his father talks to me, my husband tells me to get over it and quit crying like a child. I'm sorry everybody, I'm full of love to give, but I resent everything, his is not MY father, I don't feel I should have to put up with everything that I have to put up with and yet everybody else gets the praise and glory that THEY are the ones that do everything, I had counseling set up for myself, again I had to cancel it because nobody wants to sit here and be burdened with THEIR father. I'm ready to throw the towel in and tell them all to fend for themselves.

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Rosebud, be very careful because you still have the verbal abuse from your husband. Save, save and find in advance who you could stay with in case of emergency for yourself.
Here is a website and you probable have a local batter-emotional abuse women shelter near you if push comes to shove. Here is one website that may help you or at least be able to direct you in the right way.
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Rosebud, I'm happy you put some limits on what you will tolerate. You need to define yourself to those around you. This is me, this isn't me, and hold true to what is you. I wanted to say in my last post, the next time your grandchildren are there and Dad decides that he needs to eat first, please tell him that you are doing the cooking and he can take a number. The more he understands that you are in charge, the nicer he will be. If not, no problem, you get to be you and he can be his nasty self. Ignore him and get out of the house.
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My cousin sent this to me:
We Need to teach our DAUGHTERS the difference between a man who FLATTERS HER and a man who COMPLIMENTS her. A man who SPENDS MONEY on her and a man who INVESTS in her. A man who views her as PROPERTY and a man who views her PROPERLY. A man who LUSTS after her and a man who LOVES her. A man who believes HE is GOD'S GIFT to women and a man who remembers A WOMAN was GOD'S GIFT to MAN. And then teach OUR SONS to be that kind of man.
I loved that !!! Hope you did. It's so well stated. What do ya think?
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Oh ya Rose - This is Kathleen - I changed it to Katrinka because that's what my mom used to call me. :(
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You've made progress!! I'm proud of you!

Continue to do and think the way that you are doing. We teach people how to treat us so continue to teach BOTH of them just the way YOU want to be treated. You have a good heart and attitude - never think that you are asking for 'too much' because it's apparent that it's in your nature to ask for too little. yeah !!! I'm happy for you. Your husband just showed you he 'can' take pop's with him so when you feel you need time, there's nothing wrong with you requesting that of him as well.
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Sorry that it has taken me so long to get back with ya'll. I'm ok, and yes I'm still here, right now I'm taking this all slowly so as not to arouse suspicions and have more problems than I already have, I have started putting a little money back that I can get. To put ya'll up to date, I think my husband has finally realized that his father gets enjoyment of causing arguments then sitting back and reading his paper after he has succeeded in doing so. My husband finally made it a requirement of his father that from now on he has to wear the depends and he has to keep them on from the time he gets up in the morning till the time he goes to bed. Well this past Saturday my husband left early in the morning to go take a barn down at the other property...it was an all day job. Later that evening his dad goes and takes the depends off. I tell him he's required to wear them till bed time where as he told me to shut my mouth and leave him alone, sooooo this time i stood my ground and told him NO i will not shut my mouth and that i refuse to let him start a fight with my husband about the depends after he has been working all day, he still would not go put them on, soooo I took the remote to his tv, his cell phone, and his newspaper and told him he will not get any of those items back until he goes and puts them on. Well he did go to his bedroom and was gone for like 15 minutes. He came back and assured me he had put them on. So I in turn gave his stuff back to him and told him thank you for doing so. Hubby comes home later and I told him about the incident he actually told me that I did the right thing. Problem is.....it didn't work, my husband said he could tell his dad had NOT put the depends on and his dad had lied not only to me, but to my husband too, sooo it ended up a bad evening any way, but the good that came out of it, is my husband FINALLY realized what I have to put up with and how his father treats me and doesn't listen to me when he isn't around, so hopefully that opened his eyes and I'm praying now he'll be more attentive about the situation, he did take his dad with him today when he went to feed cattle and gave me a bit of a break. Thank you everybody for all ya'lls feedback. I'm sure there'll be more problems, but I take each day as they come. Love and hugs to you all
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Leaving doesn't mean you have to stop loving him --- because you won't. It's ok that you love him --- it just is. If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your family - the family that truly loves you. I know how difficult it is to leave; it's a very hard and painful thing to do but it gets better. The wisdom shared could change your life if you let it.
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Rosebud: I have a few questions: (1) Does your husband have a job away from home or is he working on the "ranch" etc. and pretty much free to come and go during the day? (2) Did he live with his Dad before you married? (3) If so, how did you date and see each other, for example, who took care of dad? (4) Is the ranch or property and house solely owned by his father and does your husband expect to inherit? Does your husband feel that if he doesn't take care of his Dad, he will be cut out of an inheritance?

Maybe your sister-in-law doesn't come over to care for her father because he treats her badly too. It sounds like the male family members tend to think women are they to serve and don't deserve appropriate respect. Or maybe she thinks her brother is going to get everything that Dad owns so he can deal with it.

You say your FIL is in his right mind most of the time, but still he pees on the floor and you have to scrub crap out of the carpet. It that's his right mind then he is a disgusting pig. He needs adult diapers.

How long have you been single? I understand that you feel you love your husband and you may also feel that your age is against you in finding a happier relationship and unsure about being alone again. But, it sounds like you are very alone in this relationship. You may be thinking that it will all get better when Dad dies, but I think that could just be a justification you are holding onto. A hope for the future, much like you had when you married this man.

I'm not advising you to leave your husband, but if I was, I would agree that you should attempt to have some cash in your pocket and leave when your husband is gone. You can call him when you are far enough away and advise him to look out for his dad. Does your husband have a cell phone? Would his father call him the minute you left?

I don't think you are in a relationship that meets your needs. Relationships have to be good for both parties. What have your husband's past relationships been like. Has there ever been any violence or rumored violence? I don't want to jump the gun on that one, but you should have a sense of his potential and you have to answer that question honestly. If you find yourself making excuses for him, then the answer is yes.

If you are absolutely certain that your husband is not a violent man, then you should tell him that you will be gone between the hours of such and such and he will have to be with his dad, have his sister come over, his children come over, or dad can be on his own. You, however, will not be there. End of discussion. Don't cry or beg, just state the facts and then do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say this with a little anxiety.

You do have to reclaim your life. You do have a lot of love to give, I can see that. Don't waste it on people who don't return it to you. You need to visit your children and your grandchildren. You need some freedom to enjoy your life. And you need to be in an environment where you receive kind treatment and respect.

Something in my gut says you really should leave. Put some distance between you and them. Don't let your heart keep you in a bad place. Be careful please.

I've asked you a lot of personal questions. I take what you are saying seriously and I care about you. I hope you get back to us.

Love to you.



I wouldn't argue with your husband anymore
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Rosebud, I want to echo RLP: even if it doesn't seem like this is the time to risk leaving your marriage, we want to know how you are doing. I think the advice you are getting springs from the realization that your husband will not change unless he is made to change. And the only way to force that is to be willing to risk ending the hope that he will suddenly "get it" and treat you better than a maid. We are standing with you, while you are there. And if you get ready to leave, we will stand with you then. As caregivers, we know how hard this road is. The thought of your husband adding to your burden this way is horrifying. We wish only the best for you. And we hope that, once you are safely out of there, may e these bullying men will grow up some.
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Rosebud, even if you have decided to stay with your husband, please feel like you can talk to us and ask questions. We are not here to judge. No understands your situation except you. Please use us to vent. Rebecca
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HI Rosebud!! How are you? Are things better? Worse? Have you tried anything different and if so, how did that turn out? concerned, kath
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I agree. Leave & stay gone. Force your husband to face up to his responsibilities.
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I absolutely agree with others' comments. Quietly gather as much cash as you can get your hands on, gather what belongings you must take with you, and drive out of there when your husband is not around to stop you.
Do not return to him. Do not listen to him beg you to return. Do not believe anything he says. He is only using you as a caregiver for his Father.
This is not love. You have been deceived into marrying him.
Just know that the longer you stay there, the harder it will be to leave.
RUN .... !
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Rosebud, if you have time, would you please let us know that you are okay and safe?

Thank you,
Rebecca
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Rosebud, Just the fact that your husband said "don't come back if you leave" shows that he is controlling you by using your fear of your marriage ending. My heart really goes out to you because I understand what you are going through. Please listen to what everyone here is telling you... Leave before you get physically hurt. The way your husband treats you is like you are an indentured servant. What does he give to you that you value so much that you endure this kind of life? You married him to be his wife, not his servant, and certainly not his servant to order you to care for his father which is his job not yours. Once you are gone it won't be anytime at all before your husband gets his dad out or gets turned in for neglect. Honey you need to get away and build up your self esteem and know that you deserve better.. deep down you know you deserve more. One last thing, your husbands actions toward his father say loud and clear he doesn't want the responsibility so don't buy into his playing what you do as small or insignificant. You have to stand up for yourself. He won't make it easy for you to do it either so if you decide to leave just do it and call him and tell him you've gone and no one is there with his dad. Then don't feel guilty and go make a life for yourself that will empower you and make you sing in the shower! You can do it, many of us have.
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I rarely advocate leaving someone,but I am so very afraid the verbal abuse will turn into physical abuse very soon. Get what cash you can put your hands on, pack up the things that really mean something to you and LEAVE asap. When you get far enough from the house, call one of your husband's children and briefly tell them to go and look after their grandfather. The very fact your husband allows your father to denigrate you and does so himself means you are being abused. Best wishes and please let us know you are okay.
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Pack up everything. Leave. And don't go back. Really.

Accepting this kind of abuse is unhealthy, and I don't see your health improving while you are in this environment.

After you've been gone a while, get some counselling. Get on your feet. Stop crying in the shower. You are are worthy, unique, and valuable individual. You deserve respect, starting with self respect. Make it happen!
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I agree with others. Leave and stay gone until your husband can treat you with respect. What you describe is use and abuse. You should still be in your honeymoon years. Shame on your husband.
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what is your husband doing to make you take care of him? Why don't you call his daughter and tell her how you feel and how you are being treated. She should know. Just go out when he is with the cattle and he will have to come in and take care of his dad.
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Rosebud, I don't understand why you can't leave to visit your grandkids. You are the one that has decided that you HAVE to stay there 24/7. And leaving for a visit to whomever you want to, is NOT leaving your husband in the dust. It's a VISIT for heaven's sake. You're not a prisoner, but you've decided you are. So you go and leave your husband and his father alone, so what? So they have to fend for themselves for a week? They won't die, believe me. Pack a bag, tell your husband you need to see your family or whatever, and do it. Period. It's not the end of the world.
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Oh my goodness rosebud, who is this man you are married to? He sounds horrible. If my husband treated me like this I would kick his a$#. You need to find a job, stop letting them take advantage of you and really question how much a man could love you and treat you like this. If this is a loving relationship, I would hate to see a bad relationship.

Your husband is taking advantage of you. Please see a councelor or someone who can give you some good advice. How do your children feel about this man? I am so sorry you feel you have to put up with this behavior.
And I agree with kathleenbrandl's comments.
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I lost the last comment I wrote!! Darn. Anyway if any one especially my husband said to me " Leave and take everything and don't come back" I would leave.

He will use and abuse you as long as you allow it. Leave. Get your life back, stay with your daughter, reinvent yourself and beware: He will probably beg you back - but you must demand an entirely different situation or don't do it. Actions are louder than words, don't forget that. You must take your power back. He is very selfish and feeling entitled to your compassion. If he also feels that your lack of finances is trapping you into his little plan - Go and know that you can and will make a new beginning - enjoying yourself once again and the family you brought into this world.
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Rosebud648, if you feel like you are a danger to yourself, please call 911 and get some help. It does sound like your husband did marry you to be a caregiver like I guess his mother was to him instead of an adult/adult marriage relationship. The added dynamic of his children and your children with him evidently not caring for your children only adds to the unhealthy dynamic going on. I think you need to set some boundaries with some real consequences and see if that gets his attention. I wish you well in dealing with this painful situation. My mother has never really accepted my stepdads children and didn't want me to have much to do with them.
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Thank you for your response, I love my husband dearly, but I don't feel like a wife any more, he stays gone for hours at a time of the day, when he comes home, he goes straight to the tv to watch sports, any length of time he has with his dad, when his dad starts getting on his nerves he's ready to be away from him. Like today, he went to feed cattle, then he stayed out in the pasture and his son showed up, they visited out there for over an hour, then his brother in law showed up, another hour and a half, in the mean time, here I am with his dad, his dad pees all over the floor and again, another mess for me to clean. Hubby comes home, snaps at me, no conversation, and is now in the other room watching sports. I feel as if i should take my meals in the garage and sleep in separate sleeping rooms and wear a uniform and speak only when addressed to do something. I feel the marriage going down the toilet, and as of right now this minute, again I feel resentful seeing as my husband gets to visit with any of his family whenever he wishes, I have to wait for a birthday or holiday to see any of my children or grandchildren. I don't feel as if i'm part of the family here, and when I try to talk about my concerns with my husband he yells and leaves, and again I'm here with HIS father. I feel a letter comming to leave here and go away, I'm tired of being alone and tired of crying, I told my husband I wanted to go see my grand kids, he says he has things to go do and will be leaving shortly, which actually turns into hours just so I don't leave, there are days I want to get in my car and drive till I can't drive any more, I even quit a good paying job to stay and take care of THEIR dad, no appreciation what so ever, my husband spends money taking care of his grown sons that have jobs, we barely scrape by. When one of my children ask to borrow something he throws a fit and says NO THEY ARE GROWN they can take care of themselves. To put it all in a nutshell, sometimes I feel like he married me to be caregiver and maid. When I have told him that I'm going to go for a few days to maybe see my daughter in Texas, the answer I get is when I leave take everything and don't come back. I'm depressed and lonely and sometimes wish I wouldn't wake up
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A 3 year marriage was just the beginning of building a foundation between you and your husband. It's now "Marriage Interrupted."

Begin immediately standing up for yourself and your needs or you'll end up a convenience and not an equal partner. Give yourself time off and away - and let your husband make alternative arrangements for his father. He should be more than willing to do this for you.
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