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As I had posted, finally got mom and dad in an exceptional AL near their home. Moms mobility is gone and she has early dementia and Dad has fallen off the dementia cliff.


Mom is really mad. Says the place is horrible, food terrible, they don’t give her the right meds, it’s boring, how could I dare stick her in this prison!?


Called xmas day:


Me
Hi mom. How ya doing. Merry Xmas. Love ya!


Mom:
Ice cold silence.........


So today I called the nursing director for an update. They are in the midst of a typical adjustment. Mom is grouchy but cooperative and Dad wanders the halls looking for his car. He trips the door alarm a couple times a day but they divert him easily and are not put out with him in the least.


Oh, and they’re still eating everything that is not nailed down.


Dad had a shower!!? No one was killed or injured. These gals are amazing.


I love this facility. They are in reality giving them skilled nursing care for the time being even though they are classified as AL. It cost some big $ but well worth the peace of mind.


I’m not going to try and call mom for awhile. It’s just no use. I think she will adjust to a point but I’ll always be the bad guy in her eyes. I’m getting used to it.

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Yes jo Ann, it is a worry, however this particular place is pretty well staffed and handling it fine so far. I’ve spent a lot of time in the place and there seems to be a staff member always in sight.

They also have a locked memory care unit where Dad will most likely end up.
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I would be a little concerned about him trying to get out. The AL Mom was in would not guarentee that Mom wouldn't get out. It was explained if the aides were busy with other residents they may not be able to answer the alarm. I read between the lines, if it continued she would need to be placed in a more secure facility.
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Nothing useful to contribute as I haven’t yet inflicted this on my dad, and my mother’s situation was a whole other animal, but I’ve enjoyed reading through the prison stories and am glad humor can be kept through it all. Plus I just like Billy Joel 😎
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Sue , great stories about life in the “Joint”. Ya know we’re gonna both burn in Hell for making light of all this. Oh well, I’d rather laugh with the sinners as cry with the saints!
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Windyridge,
I feel your pain. 

When I "sentenced" my mom to the "pen", they told me not to visit or call for at least 2 weeks, so she could learn "the joint" (routine).
When I went to visit her 2 weeks later, she came running at me, attacking me, gouging my arms with her nails and screaming!
Some adjustment she made, huh? The "guard" (nurse) had to pull her off me. They came with "handcuffs" (medicine) to calm her down. Needless to say, we didn't stay long. 😱

After a "meeting with the warden", (consultation with the resident doc) she smoothed outover the next few weeks. Meds were changed and peace reigned in the "cell block" once more.
Sometimes Mom lands in "solitary" for an "infraction" (won't sleep at night and keeps other "inmates" awake.) They put her in "the hole" (a separate room) with her own private "jailer" (CNA) watching.
 🛌⛓ 🗝🔒👮🏼


I have to laugh...my dad didn't have dementia but had a series of TIA's that landed him in a board and care home. He always used to refer to the other residents as "inmates" (with a smile on his face 😉)
Miss you dad 😢 Thanks for being so cooperative.
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Just got off the phone with mom in prision. They’re fighting off the flu and are keeping inmates/residents in their rooms as much as possible. Moms P Therapist called me couple of days ago, said mom is still a major fall risk. Dads dementia seems to worsen by the day.

Maybe starting to get through to mom that this move was necessary. She had it in her mind that I had tricked her and planned this whole thing behind her back. So I went through the events, you fell, mashed face , banged and gashed head open, bleeding all over the house,  cousin finds you, sent you to hospital, Dad wandering around the neighbor hood, I jump in car and drive for 10 hours like a nut etc.

No one would plan this mom. This all had to be done to get you guys safe and cared for.

I think she had forgotten the chain of events. We’ll see if this sticks. She’s having trouble keeping her train of thought these days.  But towards the end of the phone call she was less frosty.
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Thanks Iggs. My sweet dad can’t play cards or anything that takes cognitive skill. He’s pretty much in the moment now. He likes to tell his stories but lately even his long term memory stories are confused if not delusional. He’s talked a couple little ladies to death at dinner a couple times. I think they avoid him now.
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Uniondude - next visit down try to have a visit with the activities director of the facility to see what might be something for dad to be involved in. He’s got way way WAY too much energy & too fit to lounge around like the ladies do. At my moms NH, there was a old rooster lunch bunch. Even if they had thier spouse living there, lunch time for the guys meant sitting at the men’s tables, then post lunch it looked like they moved on to play cards, Mexican Train Dominos...... It sounded like folks were pretty daily intertwined living out where they were, so dad needs a new routine. Activities will have suggestions.

A big attaboy to you for getting the move to prison (lol) done!! This is shaping up to be a beast of a winter, so they dodged a bucket by moving. Best of luck in selling the place too.
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blushing.........
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Oh good, Windy. I think so too.

You are super awesome in my book!
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Dorianne, I’ve debated trying to move my folks up here but the logistics would be crazy. One with serious dementia who can get around like a half back, and the other needing two person assist. At least now when I make the long drive it will be leisurely, not white knuckled panic.

Yes Barb, have read them both. Best books ever for caregivers.
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Windy, have read Atul Gawande? Or Roz Chast's Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?
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Windyridge - I went through that too....trying to get mom to make some decisions before it all fell on me. The one she did follow through on was moving to my town instead of letting me end up giving up my life here to go look after her.

Good for you! I think you are right to take some space and let your mom adjust.
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Of course she disagrees! She’s biased. We’re impartial. ^_-
We think you’re the best. :)
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Barb, my mom would disagree.....
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Windy, just (((((((hugs)))))))). You are the BEST Child ever!!!!!@@@!!!
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Mina, oh yes, huge relief. Thanks for your kind words.
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Windy.....great "prison" update! So happy that you, like me, found a great place.....means so much when you are hours and hours away.....Great job, my friend!!.....and thanks for the humor......don't you feel like a huge, weighty boulder of stress has been literally lifted from your shoulders????
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Carla, I have lots of issues with my folks refusing to prepare through the years as things were obviously going down hill, but two things they did really saved my ass here. They scrimped, saved and lived like refugees which drove me nuts, and after the deaths of my sibs I was able to get poa, and the ability to handle financial stuff.  They have enough funds for a nice private pay facility for a few years.  They may outlive their money, it’s hard to tell at this point.

During this latest crisis/ move I was able to make it all happen, write some big checks, move money around, deal with accounts and utilities. I’ve got to give my folks credit for all that.

But I’ve had so many talks with mom through the years about making some decisions and changes when she was still able instead of letting it all fall on me. But down the slope they went until the perfect storm of crisis and calamity.

This forum has been such a help through the years. Sharing support and experiences here has been a great education. 
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Windy - I haven't had the chance to weigh in since you first posted about your parents' move to AL, but GREAT JOB!!! I'm so jealous - I wish there was money to move my Mom to AL (though I'm sure her reaction would be no better than your Mom's). I'm so glad you didn't give in and move across the country to help them, or move them in with you. What a great outcome!
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Yes FF, Dad is still very spry at 87 and could shovel the walks easily. It’s a blessing and a curse with him. I’m glad he’s healthy but it’s hard for the staff to wrangle him.

And yes Sunny, it is such a relief. It still hasn’t completely sunk in.
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It's so great that your parents are in a great place. The relief must be enormous. Perhaps, your mom will get more adapted as time goes by.
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Windy, thanks for the prison report. I know what you are going through can't be easy but your sense of humor does help the rest of us :)

I know this is a huge relief to you to now have your parents living in a elder friendly environment, especially now with the crazy winter weather. No worry of your Dad going out to shovel, unless he tries to help the Maintenance crew. No worry about the power going off in a storm. Good meals [I remembered my Dad had 3 special times each day, breakfast lunch and dinner].

Isn't it interesting seeing how your folks are acting which brings to mind other caregivers here asking questions regarding their own parent in senior living. It's like elders have this playbook which tells them to say "everything is terrible" "can't stand the food" "I want to go home", etc.

Sounds like you pick an excellent facility for your folks.
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