I am not adjusting well to my parents living with me.

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My younger elder parents are living with me and it's driving me nuts!


Why are they living with you?

How is it driving you nuts?

Believe me, you are far, far from alone with this problem. More specifics would make for a more helpful discussion.
Whoops, this is my first time on and I'm not sure I did it right. I am a 30 year old only child. I have two young children of my own, ages 8 and 6, and a husband. We bought our first house and the plan was always to have mom and dad move in with us. Dad (66) has had a lot of health scares and while they're not so bad as to need assisted living yet, they do not take good care of themselves either. They are both 66 and their house has always been, and still is, right out of an episode of Hoarders. Years of living in those conditions have made them just not give a flying frog about taking better care of themselves. Mom (66) doesn't bother to clean out his toilet chair unless I harangue her about it, and once when I went in to their room to do a deep clean, she had left her own pee underwear right on their side table. They need supervision so they will take good care of themselves, but they are not so far gone as to need an assisted living facility. It is really starting to get to me, as I have to take care of myself,my children, my house, and my husband. I am tired of their room constantly smelling like piss. , and tired of having to remind my parents they need to do basic care tasks like that. What do I do?
You are doing just fine with the posting. Welcome to forum. I think you'll get a lot of input. It may range from telling you it is your duty to take care of your parents to telling you to kick them to the curb, and all stops inbetween. Read it all and discard the posts that don't seem to apply to you or don't fit your own outlook and beliefs.

Here is my take. The fact that you are so young to be in this situation may make it harder for you. This is your house. You and your husband must set the rules, and enforce them. But it wasn't so many years ago these new housemates were setting the rules for you. The reversal of roles, I should think, would be very difficult for all concerned.

Your parents are very young, too, to be settling into this kind of dependency on a daughter. They are younger than I am, and I am having a very hard time imagining myself in this situation not just for a nice long visit, but for the rest of my life, which might be 20 or even 30 years.

This situation would be challenging even if all parties were healthy, friendly, and full of mutal respect. But constantly needing to "harrangue" one of them to behave appropriately must wear that respect pretty thin.

You are wrong when you say that they are "not so bad as to need assisted living yet." It sounds like they need supervision to manage even the most basic standards of hygiene.

You saw what their standards of housekeeping were like long before there was a television show called Hoarders. You lived it. Did you think that if you could only get your parents out of the dreadful environment and into a nice, clean, newly-built home that the fresh start would transform them? Hmmm ... I suppose that is something I might have believed when I was 30. I think that you are seeing now that this hope might not be totally realistic.

It is your house and you need to set rules. But that is going to be tricky if your parents don't take them seriously. What are you going to -- say, "If this room smells like pee before dinner, there will be no television viewing tonight"? If your parents are going to continue to live with you, I strongly suggest some family therapy.

What are your other options?

Can they afford an assisted living facility? You could visit them in the community room, and not in their piss-smelling unit.

Is it feasible to rent several dumpsters, shovel out their old place, and let them have their fresh start on their own terms?

Your first responsibility is to provide a clean, safe, nurturing environment to your children, and to build strong family bonds that will be a lasting foundation for their lives. You and your husband are extremely kind and generous to want to extend you help to your parents. Maybe you can make that work out. Just be very careful not to let it interfere with your primary responsibilities to each other and to your children.

Good luck to you! You have the resiliency of youth on your side, and you also sound very smart and caring.

Wha worries me is that your parents are just going to get worse and you are so young with a family depending on you. Also, as Jeanne said, your parents are also at a younger age to not be taking care of themselves. I would be on the lookout for assisted living, etc. - it seems they are going to require it sooner than later. Take care.

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