Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

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I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control


Hi Roxie.

I have been there many times, and so have many others on this site. Truly being aware of what you are seeing when someone you love decline if impossible to describe to anyone who does not see it. That goes for friends, family and many times even spouses....You are special because you truly see and you truly care.

You have come to the right place - at least we all understand, and can reach out when we have some time.... 24/7 is very hard, what I have learned is to make the best of what there is in each day. I sometimes feel that a caregivers life is like the lead character in the movie "Life is Beautiful" with Robert Bennini. - If you haven't seen it, you may enjoy it, as it shows how humour can help cope with anything.

That said, the toll shouldering the burden takes can be very hard. Harder still if there are others who could help you but just dont *get it*. The best advice I can give you about your fear of losing control is to let go - breathe - cry - breath again. You will feel better if you release the tension rather than trying to control how you feel.

stay on this board and ask as many questions as you want - vent as much as you want - say what no one else wants to hear. I know lots of people will respond - so I'll just say - welcome - you've found a safe place to talk.

take care and be kind to yourself.
I can so relate to your situation! I have been caring for my mother since a health crisis debilitated her about 4 years ago. It seems that she , too, declines every day. I fell obligated to care for my mother as long as I physically can
Thank you so much for your advice and comments. This means so much to me. Well yesterday I had a melt-down day. I cried and cried and cried. Today I feel so much better. I am ready to take the responsibilities on again. My mind is taking a fresh look at everything. Just knowing I am not alone with being a caregiver has helped so much. Even though I feel alone in my home and I am the one that does everything I still know there are people out there that has and is doing this now. They completely understand if I want to fall apart once in a while.
I have someplace to vent and talk with others that understand this is great!!!!
Thanks again. I will be back maybe to help someone else if not just to vent again.
I think my message was cut off! Even though I feel obligated to care for my mother until her death, that doesn't mean that I am always positive and upbeat about it. I'm afraid that the day to day crisises often get me down,too! I spend a lot of time in my back yard crying where no one will see me. I think the important thing is that even though we get down, we get back up and continue the fight. And I know that when this time is over, we will all be glad that we stuck it out. I know that I will have no regrets in caring for my mom. I know some others who will never be able to say that. Hang in there!
As I said before I cried all day yesterday but of course it was alone in my back yard and on the front porch. I understand now there will be days that will be good and days that will not. Like this evening so was doing great then all of sudden she wasn't. That is how it goes. Not saying I will not have another bad day in a few but for right now I can handle what is thrown at me. It is because of you guys. I am so glad I found this site.
I hear that. It is amazing how things can go from good to really bad in such a short time! This may sound terrible, but is anyone else as tired of bowel functions and pills as I am? They are my mother's main concern in her life. I get so tired of talking about poop:) What really gets to me is when someone (anyone really) calls on the house phone and I hear my mother telling them about her bowel troubles. It seems like I can handle the major health issues, it is the little day to day stuff that just wears me down. I am so glad to have found people who understand the stressors!
Thanks Roxie & brendalou for sharing what you are going thru. The same here, no one else to help out. Find myself getting short tempered at the least little thing and no way to get away for a few hours to sort out my feelings. The dementia my husband has is harder to to handle than the Parkinson's. Do you find yourself being treated as a paid (not) servant or Secretary, How do you handle the resentment of being in this situation, I am not ready to curl up and die but will persevere because of our love. Just hurts so damn much,
I have to agree it does hurt right down to the core of the soul. The resentment will turn in time. I felt the same way with my mother before. Not saying it will not happen again. But to be able to come to this site and vent makes me feel so much better. I have people that understand what I am going through.
At times I feel like a slave to everyone in the house.
Do you have a homemaker to come into the home to give you so relief? If nothing else go outside and just walk around the yard.
The stress seems unbearable at times. I seem to resent anyone that has the freedom to jump in the car and go anywhere they want at any time. I can not do that but my husband and my daughter can. I know they do not completely understand my feelings. I do take it out on them at times when I shouldn't.
I have left the room before because I resented my mother for being sick, then I look at her and think to myself it is not her fault. If she could she would make it all better for herself. She does not want to be in this shape either. Then I start feeling guilty for even thinking bad things. It is a catch 22 at times.
Just hang in there.
We are here for you.
You are so right! It is so easy to feel resentment toward your family and the person you care for. which of course is immediately followed by guilt. The never ending cycle! I often find myself especially angry at my older brother. He can be a great help to me in medical issues because he is a physician, but that sometimes is a hindearance because he can't accept our mother's failing health. What drives me nuts is that he travels extensively (at least 7-10 days a month), while I feel guilt taking a 5 day respite once a year. Then he will stop by my house at 7:00 on sunday night and say "take off, I'll stay with Mom." Great~ another trip to Wal-Mart!
As far as feeling like a servant, Yeah! I often refer to myseld as an endentured servant or a serf on the manor! I have dealt with that by taking care of all my mother's business on my terms. I have power of attorney and I don't consult anyone except her financial advisor. I also take care of me. lunch and an afternoo movie can get me through a really long week. The thing that keeps me going is that feeling of having no regrets when the long goodbye is said!
Back a couple of post. I am sick of bowel funcitons also. My mother went into the hospital in May for diarrhea, her potassium bottomed out. She was in there for 10 days then came home for 36 hours and returned for 7 days because the diarrhea would not stop. Ever since that is all we discuss.
When my mother goes to the bathroom I do not always catch her to see if her bowels move. One day her bowels moved three time really good, but when you ask her they have not moved for a month.
She can not even remember her bowels moving, so I have to go to the bathroom with her to see if they move or not. Now I am tired of checking, but I need to since she is having trouble with them.
Talking about pills my mother if I leave the pill box out she will take every pill in the box. I have started hiding it from her. Then that is all I hear. "Have I taken my pills today?" "yes you have." and "My bowels have not moved in a month." "They moved this morning."
That is our conversation during the day.

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