I am 22 and my mother is living in MY house and won't move out. Her excuse is the economic situation.

Can you give her a date in maybe 3 weeks to be out of the house and find someplace to stay and to get a job or to apply for benefits and then just change the locks on the doors-you have the right to decide who lives in your home you might have to have to go to a lawyer and have her removed from your home she must have a relative or friend to stay with. How did she come to live with you in the first time.

Well I would love to kick her out but if I did she would be homeless and that is my biggest problem. Yes I want her to leave but at the end of the day she is my mom and i love her. She has no other family she was put up for adoption at a real young age so her only family is me. She applied for benifits and was denied :( My situation is so complicated why cant she just grow up and do what she needs to do to get by

You didn't mention about your dad, her husband. Did she have a job outside the home while they were married? Is he still around and can he help you motivate her, or at least know the buttons to push to motivate her? She's young enough to maybe go back to school for something, thereby getting her out of the house and around people again. Maybe that would get her used to the idea of getting back on her own again. If she were ever 'on her own' in the first place that is.

Unfortunately my dad was a deadbeat. The school theory is a good idea I have thought about it alot since her skills revolve mainly around cashier/retail backgrounds. My only problem with school is who pays for it? I have the MGIB through the military paying for my school, but is there a company or someplace out there that will give her a grant of some sort?

I think what is called for here is tough love in reverse. Usually, it is the parents who are trying to get the kiddos off the sofa.
If your mother is physically able to get around and work she should not be "leaching" off you and your husband. Look at it this way, if you did not exist, she would have to find solutions to her own problems. (and the reason she may have been denied benefits is because she is young and able to work.)

It is not your responsibility to get her off the alcohol, find her a job, or get back to school...but you can certainly help motivate her to transition into positive areas. I would do as 195Austin suggested above and give a 3-6 month deadline and then stick to it. In the meantime help her find work opportunities (Walmarts are always hiring) and a new place. As with raising children, be consistent, firm, and fair and do not buy into "guilt-tripping."
good luck
Lilli

Can she go live with HER parents? Do you live on base? Can you put it on the military and tell her that you can't have "non-dependent" family staying with you longer than two weeks? It's a tough situation and I can't imagine why a healthy woman of 49 - which is near my age - would want to live with her kids!!? If she's bossing you around that will only continue - it's probably the booze but also the parent-child relationship.

You don't mention your husband - who must be a saint to put up with this. Which is more important to you? Sorry to make you choose but that's what it might come to at some point. Don't push him out for a boozing mean woman.

Yes she bosses us both around, he only puts up with it because he knows the situation and loves me. I dont live on base and the military denied her as a dependent :( She was put up for adoption so she has no family but me.

Please don't take this wrong, any of you:

Grow up and stop letting your controlling mother run you and your husband's life. Let's get down to brass tacks.

I don't mean to sound harsh but take it from someone who is divorced because of a over controlling mother. Man if I could do all that over again things would certainly bedifferent.

A man has to be a man in his own home. He should be crowned King, and his wife Queen. There can only be one Queen in the castle so get her out before your castle crumbles.

Stop using put up for adoption as a crutch. I'm sure she can make friends and such. If that's a pix of her, she's very attractive and is in her prime, (I can relate to that, well sort of).

Sorry if I'm late to the party here. I've had the same problem - Mom telling me "I just need to get out of town for a couple days" and showing up with bags, telling me "You promised me I could stay with you for 6 weeks!!" and 6 months later, there she is on the couch telling me she's out of creamer for coffee and I'd better go to the store. And take her laundry with me since I'm going.
That was one of many examples of this happening. SHe has fibromyalgia, which some would call a psycho-somatic disease, except there are clearly physical problems associated with it, so maybe its much more. REgardless, its been 15 years since the 1st time she showed up at my door with no money, no plan and no place to go. Each time I get out of it, I feel as though the next time is just around the corner so I can't get too comfortable living anywhere as the answer to your issue is forthcoming:
The only tried & true way to get her out is to tell her you have to move, then go somewhere she can't follow. Like stay with your deadbeat dad for a few months "to save money" or something. In the interim, its AMAZING what she'll accomplish for herself when the option is to be homeless.
Now, in truth, this is a multi-step process.
1) Start saying "Making rent is a problem. This isnt working".
2) Tell her you need to move out. you can't afford to live here any more. (IMPORTANT: YOU CANNOT SHARE YOUR BUDGET WITH HER)
3) Give notice. Tell her what the timeframe is going to be.
4) Move in with a friend or somewhere you're being "taken in for a few months" and cant take her with.
5) If she doesn't find an apartment, you now have some extra dough since presumably youre compensating your friend/deadbeat dad, but not as much as an apartment/house would cost. You may have to find her a place to live.
6) Help move her in.
7) After she's been there a couple months, move into a new place of your very own.
TO be noted is the fact that she WILL MOST DEFINITELY try every trick in the book to make her new place unlivable. And that's why there needs to be a window of time between when she moves in and when you get another place. Even then, you'll hear about how abusive it was to not bring her along, and how horrible you are for "making" her deal with things alone.
YOu just need to get out. This felt good to write. I bet its WAY to late and you will never read this. If you do, I'm curious how things worked out.

I agree with everyone! If she is leeching off you, first off tell her no more alcohol! No more enabling her drinking. Stop buying the booze!

You have to take control of your life now if you expect to have any kind of future. Time to grow up and face facts as harsh as they are.....you may love your Mom but your Mom is only using you!

You and hubby should talk to the chaplain on base and get his assistance and guidance.

Best of luck!

lol...didn't read the date!

I can relate...I have the same problem, but I'm 40 and my mom is 56. She has been living with me and my husband and young children (4 & 5) for 2 years now. At first it was bc she is getting a divorce, but she still hasn't found a job, won't budge on trying to get a divorce, has a drinking problem, and every time I tell her to get independent and get a job she yells a me that I'm too hard on her. She has no health problems and no reason not to work. I've given her my old car instead of selling it and now I'm stuck with 2 car payments. I know this sounds terrible but I really want her out.

No, it doesn't sound terrible. You could follow the suggestions given above as you have the same problem. I suspect the biggest issue is that she is an alcoholic. You would get good support/advice from Alanon meetings and visiting/getting counselling from your local drug and alcohol center. It is not good for your family - the kids especially - to be living with an active alcoholic. She will yell at you and find any excuse to stay dependent. I would take the car back if she will not take over payments, having given her a decent notice, and sell it. You are enabling her. She can take the bus. Give her a date when she has to be out and follow through. Please take some action and learn about alcoholism, You are not helping her by allowing her to depend on you. If you don't do something she will be with you the rest of her life.

"You are not helping her by allowing her to depend on you." (Yes, there's an echo in here.)

And you certainly aren't providing a healthy environment for your youngsters. You may also be putting your marriage at risk.

No doubt she has had a tough row to hoe, having become a mother at 16. I sympathize. But you deserve control of your own life (as much as any of us have that!) and enabling her to be irresponsible now is just not good for anyone.

I agree, I am living with the same problem. My mother lives with me and made me feel guilty becuae her mother was very demanding, bossey, and very mentally abusive and I did not want her living with me, and because of that I took her in, and everything was a mess. My mother and I do not have a good relationship at all due to this, I had a daughter and I feel like I was not able to grow and spend time with her like I wanted to. Now I have my mom and after now my daughter being 18 years old, and I was in a very bad accident, I asked her to help me and get a job, and she told me she was doing her part, that included the talking care of my daughter and my 2 neices and my son and she did not want to work. I was devestated and certainly hurt, I want her to get her own place and live her own life. I feel very deprived and taken advantage of. Someone help!!!!!

Eviction. And really, I don't think I'd help her move.

You could call Adult Protective Services, tell them to get her out and into a place, they can do that. then if possible move out until she is out

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone else is to stop sheltering them from the consequences of their own poor choices. Your Mom deserves the dignity of standing on her own and living an independent life. She won't ever do that if you continue enabling her.

It's up to you to find the strength and confidence to do what is best for yourself and your marriage. There is help out there... professional counseling and support groups like Alanon for families with issues related to alcohol.

Very simple, when you get up and leave the house in the morning, so does she. We did this with an indigent BIL. We all left at 7am and got back at 5pm. So did he. He got very bored with doing nothing all day and found a job. He figured if he had to get up and out every morning, he might as well work.

I allowed my mother and her partner to move into my rental property for signficantly reduced rent. She has never really held down a job and when she has money she has mostly given it away. It's now been 10 years and their situation hasn't changed. I recently returned to the home as I had lost my job - resigned given my Manager was sexually harrassing me and wasn't supported by the company when I made the complaint. So I have to live with them rather than kick them out as they couldn't afford a place to fit in their overloaded furniture and 3 cats. It's been too good for them you see, why would they work when they can get a pension? What upsets me is that they seem to expect me to pay for their food, fix things instantly and yet they sit around all day writing music and reading books - all of the things I would like to do, yet I am the one applying for work and probably going to have to move out of MY HOME while they sit on their fat asses all day. In 2008, I asked them to move and they screamed at me and told me to get out of my own home. I think this is an example of helping people who won't help themselves. They become dependent on you. What is sad is you can't pick your family. I am ashamed of my mother's stupidness with money and laziness.

It is your home - evict them. You are allowing this to happen for 10 years now! Find a counselor and get yourself together. Mom and partner are not your responsibility and never have been. Family or not, you do not deserve this mess. Only you can change your future....get busy.

The original question is over 4 YO. Jan 19, 2010

Cut off her access to your money and suddenly she will not be getting the thing she is there for. I am almost your Mom's age and I AM STILL TAKING CARE OF MINE. GIRLLL I don't want this life for you. Make her unhappy to be around you ignore her do not talk to her make it misery for her to stay and it will force her to leave TOUGH LOVE. You have a heart and she relies on this.

So many great suggestions posted here. My additional advice is to give her an eviction notice with a move out date (check your local laws), disallow alcohol in your home or any other fun and/or recreational items of hers, begin to jettison/box up everything except what she absolutely needs and store the boxes in her room. This will make move-out day more efficient. Stick to you plan.

Hello

Any news on what happened?

As they say in my neighborhood, "O te peinas o te haces rolos" (Either comb your hair or put on rollers). Your house, your rules. Let her know she has 2 weeks to find a job before you start packing her stuff. In the meantime, no drinking allowed. ... It's amazing how quickly unemployed people find money for booze, cigarettes, and anything else they deem a priority.

The original writer of the post, slavedriver485, hasn't been on the forum in going on 6 years [January 2010]. Wish we could get an update.

sometimes these things don't end well.

OMG... I have exactly the same situation right now with my older sister.. She's taken over the living room in my tiny cramped house. She's been there for 9 months, when she told me she just needed to crash somwhere for a few weeks. Every time I ask her to leave she lays on a guilt trip, but what do I do? Throw her out, make her homeless? I'm at my whits end, I just can't take any more. It's my day off work today and I just told her to go out, I just want some time on my own, but now I feel guilty. I feel like going to live on the streets just to get away from her.