Follow
Share

My mom is 49 years old and wont move out of my house! I am married, 22, in the AirForce and my mom wont go. She blames her situation on the economy, if you want a job bad enough you will get one and for the past year she does nothing but leach off me and boss me around in my own house. To make matters worse she has an alcohol problem that she wont admit to. I need help!!! I cant take it any more.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Spam.
(1)
Report

I would also check into homeless shelters for women. We have a great one her in Iowa, and they have classes the women go to, such as budgeting, looking for a job, and all kinds of self-reliant needs. She needs to go to somewhere like that where they will help her find a job and an apartment. You cannot support her forever. I would call the shelter, make sure they have a bed available, and pack her stuff and take her there. It sounds harsh, but tough love is what she needs. She is being incredibly selfish and you do not owe her your life, your money and your marriage.
(2)
Report

You're supposed to be in charge, so take your house back. No one should be giving you orders in your own home. In the meantime, speak with a Community Affairs officer for guidance and search for shelters that actually help women put their lives together.

Push comes to shove, give her a 30-day notice.
(3)
Report

My mother asked if she could stay with me because her boyfriend was kicking her out. Now she has crossed the line and I would rather have her on the street. No one who has said the things that she said has remained in my life for long...
(2)
Report

AA if she has a situation. Volunteer - adult day care - get her involved in something...adult day care...Call Salvation army see if they have any suggestions, 211 social services? not sure, haven't called them....SEnior living places or assisted living places need volunteers, to read, to talk, to be present....She can do this a few hours a week....Maybe she will figure it out....Get her a puppy and tell her she has to take her for walks...Role reversal has begun in your life a little too soon...but she must have been a good mother at some point,,,,sounds like you made good choices....
(0)
Report

Is your mom mentally ill? It sounds as though you need to start out by getting her qualified for medical and social assistance so that she will have acces to a caseworker.
(2)
Report

I totally agree with MountThor. My mom and younger sister lived with my oldest sister for 10+ years while I traveled from different family members and friends houses until I went away for school. Once out of school I lived with my mom and younger sister till I found my own place no more than a year after moving in. A month or two later my mom moved in with me because she was then unable to afford her apartment alone. This went on for 4+ years till I lost my apartment which I didn't ask for any help with just that she saved her money and found her own place. So anywho once I lost my apartment I ended up moving in with my boyfriend and his mother and my mom was forced to stay with my oldest sister again. However my mom then left my sisters house saying that it was too uncomfortable for them to be there ( my mom and little sister). So once they left there they slept in the car rented rooms when money would permit and I would allow my mom to come over whenever I was home alone to rest her feet shower and eat. And once I got back into my own place my mom followed me to my new apartment and was back to her old routine. (Just drama) so I explained to her that it wasn't working out and that she would need to find somewhwere to go by this time my little sister had a job so she began renting a room for a coworker and my mom moved in with my grandma. So for a year we had free reign over our apartment. However my grandmother became ill and passed away and my mother came back and this time was worst than ever between the disrespect, rude comments, and the attitude I can't stand it anymore I am at my wits end with this woman I love her and I've tried helping her get a job but nothing works. Now that she is ill I really do feel bad but at the same time I need my sanity and happiness. Why is it so hard to emancipate my mother and to stop this cycle once and for all.
(0)
Report

What is it with parents of a certain generation (hello baby boomers)? I had a similar thing happen where my mother said to me, "I need to get out of town for a couple days. Can I visit you?" I said I really didn't have space but if she was going to be in town, she could stay for a "couple days." I was very specific. Turns out, she had moved out of her apartment, packed up her car and showed up at my house with all her stuff, no plan, no money and nowhere else to go. 8 months later, I had to move out to get rid of her. Moreover, I had to stay with a friend so she couldn't come with me. Guess what? She found an apartment and a job when that happened. People will get away with whatever you let them. It sucks because it's your mother and you don't want to be a bad person or see her living on the street or something. At the same time, I promise you this will go on forever until you change the program.
(4)
Report

Kirsty, i had a similar situation with my brother. Finally, i told him I'd helped him all I could and he needed to find a new place by the weekend. He found somewhere else to go!
(0)
Report

Sell it and move away.
(0)
Report

OMG... I have exactly the same situation right now with my older sister.. She's taken over the living room in my tiny cramped house. She's been there for 9 months, when she told me she just needed to crash somwhere for a few weeks. Every time I ask her to leave she lays on a guilt trip, but what do I do? Throw her out, make her homeless? I'm at my whits end, I just can't take any more. It's my day off work today and I just told her to go out, I just want some time on my own, but now I feel guilty. I feel like going to live on the streets just to get away from her.
(0)
Report

sometimes these things don't end well.
(0)
Report

The original writer of the post, slavedriver485, hasn't been on the forum in going on 6 years [January 2010]. Wish we could get an update.
(0)
Report

As they say in my neighborhood, "O te peinas o te haces rolos" (Either comb your hair or put on rollers). Your house, your rules. Let her know she has 2 weeks to find a job before you start packing her stuff. In the meantime, no drinking allowed. ... It's amazing how quickly unemployed people find money for booze, cigarettes, and anything else they deem a priority.
(0)
Report

Any news on what happened?
(0)
Report

Hello
(0)
Report

So many great suggestions posted here. My additional advice is to give her an eviction notice with a move out date (check your local laws), disallow alcohol in your home or any other fun and/or recreational items of hers, begin to jettison/box up everything except what she absolutely needs and store the boxes in her room. This will make move-out day more efficient. Stick to you plan.
(1)
Report

Cut off her access to your money and suddenly she will not be getting the thing she is there for. I am almost your Mom's age and I AM STILL TAKING CARE OF MINE. GIRLLL I don't want this life for you. Make her unhappy to be around you ignore her do not talk to her make it misery for her to stay and it will force her to leave TOUGH LOVE. You have a heart and she relies on this.
(0)
Report

The original question is over 4 YO. Jan 19, 2010
(0)
Report

It is your home - evict them. You are allowing this to happen for 10 years now! Find a counselor and get yourself together. Mom and partner are not your responsibility and never have been. Family or not, you do not deserve this mess. Only you can change your future....get busy.
(2)
Report

I allowed my mother and her partner to move into my rental property for signficantly reduced rent. She has never really held down a job and when she has money she has mostly given it away. It's now been 10 years and their situation hasn't changed. I recently returned to the home as I had lost my job - resigned given my Manager was sexually harrassing me and wasn't supported by the company when I made the complaint. So I have to live with them rather than kick them out as they couldn't afford a place to fit in their overloaded furniture and 3 cats. It's been too good for them you see, why would they work when they can get a pension? What upsets me is that they seem to expect me to pay for their food, fix things instantly and yet they sit around all day writing music and reading books - all of the things I would like to do, yet I am the one applying for work and probably going to have to move out of MY HOME while they sit on their fat asses all day. In 2008, I asked them to move and they screamed at me and told me to get out of my own home. I think this is an example of helping people who won't help themselves. They become dependent on you. What is sad is you can't pick your family. I am ashamed of my mother's stupidness with money and laziness.
(0)
Report

Very simple, when you get up and leave the house in the morning, so does she. We did this with an indigent BIL. We all left at 7am and got back at 5pm. So did he. He got very bored with doing nothing all day and found a job. He figured if he had to get up and out every morning, he might as well work.
(2)
Report

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone else is to stop sheltering them from the consequences of their own poor choices. Your Mom deserves the dignity of standing on her own and living an independent life. She won't ever do that if you continue enabling her.

It's up to you to find the strength and confidence to do what is best for yourself and your marriage. There is help out there... professional counseling and support groups like Alanon for families with issues related to alcohol.
(2)
Report

You could call Adult Protective Services, tell them to get her out and into a place, they can do that. then if possible move out until she is out
(2)
Report

Eviction. And really, I don't think I'd help her move.
(2)
Report

I agree, I am living with the same problem. My mother lives with me and made me feel guilty becuae her mother was very demanding, bossey, and very mentally abusive and I did not want her living with me, and because of that I took her in, and everything was a mess. My mother and I do not have a good relationship at all due to this, I had a daughter and I feel like I was not able to grow and spend time with her like I wanted to. Now I have my mom and after now my daughter being 18 years old, and I was in a very bad accident, I asked her to help me and get a job, and she told me she was doing her part, that included the talking care of my daughter and my 2 neices and my son and she did not want to work. I was devestated and certainly hurt, I want her to get her own place and live her own life. I feel very deprived and taken advantage of. Someone help!!!!!
(0)
Report

"You are not helping her by allowing her to depend on you." (Yes, there's an echo in here.)

And you certainly aren't providing a healthy environment for your youngsters. You may also be putting your marriage at risk.

No doubt she has had a tough row to hoe, having become a mother at 16. I sympathize. But you deserve control of your own life (as much as any of us have that!) and enabling her to be irresponsible now is just not good for anyone.
(2)
Report

No, it doesn't sound terrible. You could follow the suggestions given above as you have the same problem. I suspect the biggest issue is that she is an alcoholic. You would get good support/advice from Alanon meetings and visiting/getting counselling from your local drug and alcohol center. It is not good for your family - the kids especially - to be living with an active alcoholic. She will yell at you and find any excuse to stay dependent. I would take the car back if she will not take over payments, having given her a decent notice, and sell it. You are enabling her. She can take the bus. Give her a date when she has to be out and follow through. Please take some action and learn about alcoholism, You are not helping her by allowing her to depend on you. If you don't do something she will be with you the rest of her life.
(3)
Report

I can relate...I have the same problem, but I'm 40 and my mom is 56. She has been living with me and my husband and young children (4 & 5) for 2 years now. At first it was bc she is getting a divorce, but she still hasn't found a job, won't budge on trying to get a divorce, has a drinking problem, and every time I tell her to get independent and get a job she yells a me that I'm too hard on her. She has no health problems and no reason not to work. I've given her my old car instead of selling it and now I'm stuck with 2 car payments. I know this sounds terrible but I really want her out.
(1)
Report

lol...didn't read the date!
(1)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter