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Never thought I'd be pouring my thoughts out to strangers like this but I don't know anyone who's caring for, much less living with their parent. I'm 54, married, my kids are young adults on their own. 20 years ago, Dad was diagnosed with Alz and unable to drive. My parents lived in their home and Mom (she's now 90) fought all changes, including legal matters. Suddenly unable to spend every single day socializing, she began calling my sister, in tears, to come get them for a few days. Few years later, Dad went into a nursing home and Mom began staying longer and longer stretches with my sister and with me (2000 miles away). By the time Dad passed 10 years ago, Mom was spending very little time in her home, telling us she just couldn't be alone. She was physically capable of being home alone (wears a full leg brace but no other health issues) if she hired someone coming in to do housework and yardwork. She came from a large, overbearing family and thrives on having people around ALL THE TIME. So she hated the idea of having to deal with having time alone. We tried to discuss senior apartments, options with her but she would turn on the waterworks and utter things about how she was a burden and a bother and everyone would reassure her that "oh, no, we love having you" and all discussions of her creating her own life were gone. She is a master of guilt and manipulation. After 3 more years of essentially living with us,we got her to at least sell the house, rather than my sister continuing to clean and mow etc. Now she needed to make a decision, which she refused and so ended up spending 6 months with each us. She told her friends we made her sell the house and how she was a nomad with no home. She still loves socializing but will not go anywhere unless my sister or I go too, including to a senior center, lunches with family and friends. She has no interests except reading and watching TV and those are just fillers. She has no desire to make new friends, preferring to co-opt mine. She expects us to be with her every free moment we have - we both work fulltime jobs so not a lot of free time here. I leave work, go home and cook dinner while she chats about whatever, watch TV with her at night and go to bed. Weekends, I'm expected to spend my weekend with my 90 year old mother. If I take time for me, she wilts or is sullen. She expects to attend social gatherings with our friends, and they all think she's just so sweet, they encourage it. What they don't know is that this lady has always been "all about me" - when she listens so empathetically to them, her motive is that they feed her "aren't you wonderful" need. She thrives on being fawned over and so is just so supportive and caring. She tells friends and family all of our business so we've learned to be very careful what we tell her. Ironically, with her own daughters, she can't give the support if she thinks it will diminish her attention. So when Dad died, she never hugged us and comforted us and acknowledged that we lost our Dad because in her mind, that would diminish her role as the grieving widow. In fact, she was visably bugged when we reminisced about Dad a couple days after he passed because it wasn't about her. So, here's where we are: My sister (59) just lost her husband and after spending 35 years as a caregiver, has said enough. We believe that Mom's vision of her living with Sis is they will be like the Golden Girls - movies,visiting various friends and relatives, dinners,watching TV together every evening - contemporaries. Sis however is looking at life after many years of taking care of a sick hubbie, whom she'd adored. There's no way Mom will be ok with sitting home alone while Sis takes classes, does volunteer work, creates her new phase. BTW,Sis and I are extremely close. So Sis has said "done" and Mom is currently with me. DH is adament that we are NOT going to be the fulltime caregivers and I understand that, esp. as his parents are also elderly and we are the only kids in town to care for them. (They, however,are functional, having taken the steps they needed to keep them in their home safely). She can be alone during the day, we think but are concerned as she has fallen a couple times. She can't be left alone overnight which means we can't leave town for a weekend. Because she hates being alone, she has no understanding of my need to have "me" time. DH has been phenomenal all these years, but is wanting to travel, for me to have time for my interests after raising our brood and is starting to say "ok, we need to change something here". Plus he got a rare look at how selfish and mean spirited she can be (only about 6 people have seen this side) as she ripped me apart because I said she needed to see a doctor about her weakening good leg. So, you all have been thru this - how do I deal with this mess now that she's been living with us???? BTW - if you're contemplating this living setup, please realize your first obligation is your own family -discuss, think, pray first.

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yep, been there done that. Worse thing my family ever did. We never knew what hit us until it was gone........tg.
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This is exactly what I don't want to happen to me. I have contemplated the arrangement, and I have decided it's not for me. My situation is similar, after my dad died last year, the hysterics ensued - at this point I don't even feel that I've grieved properly for my father, I've just been trying to keep mom on some kind of even keel, I'm not succeeding but I'm coming to the realization that it is just not possible. Mom thinks that if she lives me all will be well. Stay strong.
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Ronica,
We realize that Mom is not happy unless she has the attention of one of her kids or grandkids.So we're learning to get immune to the sighs, droopy voice, subtle guilt trips.Just recently,she's begun declining social invites that do include her,such as a SuperBowl party.It's still a guilt trip because her attitude isn't an upbeat "you guys go and have fun- I'll be fine" but a resigned "I'll just stay home".Interestingly as none of my friends have cared for aging parents,I'm getting static from people about her absence at gatherings.When my BIL was moved to hospice,I flew out alone to help my sister and her kids.I didn't take Mom with me as she is not good in a crisis and I needed to be caring for Sis and her children.Had Mom been at hospice with us, every relative and friend would've heard about every moment,every interaction during this private,sacred time.So we would've all been hiding emotions,self-editing ourselves.I was surprised when a longtime friend took me to task for not taking Mom, as "she needs to be there,to be a part of things.It'll be hard for her to be here when she wants to be there for your sister.I don't mean to tell you what to do,but you need to take her with you."She then proceeded to tell me how I needed to think about how hard it is for Mom not to have control over her life,to have to live with her kids.Tried 4 times to explain that Mom had exercised absolute control over her life by gradually moving in with us, that she CHOSE to live with her kids when she was perfectly able to live alone.Needless to say,I'm limiting contact this person,as I don't need her negativity.On the plus side,I'm going to try a weekly knitting group as an outlet for me.I've been getting massages to de-kink the muscles and de-stress.I set up a still life in the dining room so I can draw in the small bits of free time. Still trying to find a doctor for her-so many docs aren't taking new patients,esp Medicare.The "elephant in the room"(you know, something ever present but not discussed)is that it appears time is here for a transition and there's no nice or easy way to say "Mom,this isn't working and you need to live on your own." Talk about major guilt ......
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I have found that it is fruitless to expect to gain sympathy some friends and relatives. Oftentimes relatives will only see the situation through the elder's eyes, and will not understand the pressures and strain on the caregiver(s). That's why it's good to come here and talk. People here do understand, "get it", and sympathize.
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I totally understand what you are going through. My dad took care of my mother until he died and then there was only one person left to care for my 91 year old mother, me. We left our house and moved in with her. My mother sounds a lot like your mother. My mother wants to be right there doing whatever is being done too. I found gardening was the best outlet for me. My mother would sit in the swing while I worked outdoors. My husband bought dvds for our movie night and we like to read to each other for couple time. We have to take turns very early in the morning to walk or bike for exercise. The men's group at our church is my husband's outside interest. I tried to get my mother to go to the senior center but she wasn't interested. Now she sleeps all the time and has to be awakened to eat. We have learned how to work around having a senior in the family just as we worked around having a toddler long ago. We are in our 70s and wish we had a little more time to travel before we, too, need caring for.
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I too, find gardening a wonderful outlet - I listen to an audiobook while I work and Mom sits on the porch and reads. As for sympathy from friends and relatives,you're correct in that they don't "get it". I understand that they aren't going to be there for sympathy or support ,but I don't have patience for people second guessing or having the audacity to advise me on things they do not understand.
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Please, please, please take the time you NEED to take care of yourself! I would start by scheduling a therapy session with a counselor. It's okay to pay to someone to be your advocate and help you draw the boundaries needed to get through this. I hope your DH supports you in this. I doubt very seriously that your mother is going to change her ways at all, so you need to be proactive at setting the rules of YOUR house, since she can't/won't live by herself. Remember that a good Caregiver is like a pitcher of lemonade (or margarita's lol)... you have to remember to refill the pitcher (self-care) or you will run yourself dry and not be any good to anyone. Take care and God bless.
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I fully understand what you are going through, my father is 80 and mom is 78 - they have lived with us for the past 10 years ! They were experiencing financial difficulties and yes this was the biggest mistake of my life I really wish my husband had put his foot down at the time but what do you do - you can't not help. My only wish is that I have two brothers and a sister if only they could take the folk's more often it would be alot better. My Dad is relatively easy going BUT the old girl is incredibly difficult - likes being the centre of attention - if she hasn't had much attention then she will have some ailment etc go gain the much needed attention from friends and family, which we know is an utter sham. Trust me her and I have had our differences!!! My husband and I have four children and boy did the old couple interfere after the first couple of years it ended up with me locking the kids rooms whils't they were at school so that she would stay out of their stuff. She has thrown stuff at the kids slapped them and the worst was when she slapped my one son through his face! The biggest problem is that she does not listen the amount of times that we have had to put her in her place is ridiculous and my Dad sticks up for her. But they won't go and stay with anyone else in the family instead. She tells utter stories etc to friends about how she cannot visit them because she has to cook etc - what rubbish - I have had her friends tell me that I make her work too hard etc, etc, to the point that I have banned the old girl from cooking or having anything to do with the children. As my parents have gotten older its become tougher as they have both become hard of hearing and incredibly demanding of me - I can be talking to someone or on the phone and they will butt in - my kids have grown up but my folks are taking over in that department. In fact now that my kids are older thay have hardly anything to do with their grandparents. We have sort of found a way of coping fortunately we live in a fairly large house so the kids stick to their side of the house my parents totally monopolize the lounge so as a result my husband and I and all three dogs go to our bedroom and watch tv there! When the odd occasion does arise that the old folks go and stay with one of my siblings for a week or hopefully sometimes a couple of weeks we all crack open a bottle of champagne and take over the lounge - what fun !! It't tough, sometimes I want to scream or run away and hide but my best coping tool is trying to against all odds - maintain my sense of humour - it's either that or go completely mad myself !
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I don't mean to come off like i am attacking you because i was once in your place my mom died of Alzheimer two years ago ,she raised 8 kids by herself and she was a good woman who worked really hard but towards the end when she was getting Alzheimer ...all of us kids were so busy with our own life and then my mom started to need us more and more and i heard my sisters bitching about what a problem it was and i just remember sitting with my mom and the only thing she asked ever was that if she gets sick please don't put her in a home let her just die on her property at home but we were all to selfish it didn't matter that my mom had spent all that time on each of us when we were babies , when we were sick ,when we had a play at school she sacrificed her life for us but then when she needed us ..oh then she became a bother ..how dare she interrupt our life and make us spend time with her ,,,well she is dead now and let me tell you something i regret that so much .......she is dead now and gone forever ,forever do you get it your mom is 90 she will be dead soon and you will never ,ever get to see her face or spend time with her ever ever do you understand ..she will be gone forever so love her and talk to her and give the last of her life a good memory in your heart you wont regret ..
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Linda, I'm new here, and this may well be covered in later threads, but I am very curious about whether you have made changes in your household.
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Boy!!! Do my sister and I relate to you very much. Our mother has lived with us since 1983 and we both have given up our whole life for her. She is now 90 and can not get around and we have to take care of her in all areas of her life. She can not see or hear and now all she wants to do is sleep and starting today she can not even tell wen she has to go to the bathroom. She complains that we do not d enough for her and I have lost my job because I have to stay at home to help out with her. My sister has helath pombles herself and we have an older sister who is no help. Belive me when I say our prayers are with you and we understand baout not haveing a LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! Bu stay strong and know that you are not alone.
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Hi
Here we go don’t know how to break it down all the events that have happened, but will try it will be boring. My name is Ann 53 only Child married to my husband Del for 15 years no children, when got married Del thought it was a good idea if my parents Gwen and Syd who were 70 at the time came and lived with us and move from a flat in London to a cottage in the country .We all paid 6 thousand pounds each and had extension put on the cottage.
My Dad was an easy going man, a nice man, and a lovely dad wasn’t very well at the time, but the country side did him good and he got better, potting round the garden, going down to the local, fishing, making new friends, playing with my little dogs, he love a bit of house work he liked to busy, it was like the house he never had everything for him was perfect.
My Mother on the other hand let’s says she was the opposite of Dad and she hated everything I can’t list all her objection it would take too long to write down. My Dad use to tell her they were much better off here and that they never had it so good much better off than they had ever been just paying £100 week and stop moaning and try and look on the bright side .
Well three years ago we lost my dad and my mother got cancer of the bowel and I left my job to look after her she over the cancer now she wished that the cancer killed her as it would have been better then living with me, it’s been a nightmare she 85 now strong willed very opinionated it’s like living with a stroppy teenager, she tales tails, blackmails me, phones my dad’s family and moans on how bad we treat her they know what she’s like they don’t like her much ether, Her own mother was not keen on her and her sister hated her.
she doesn’t like my cooking it’s too hot, to cold, over done, under done, foreign muck .Del won’t take her out for a meal anymore because she makes a loud fuss of complaining to staff in the restaurant ,that their food is rubbish.
Took her on holiday to Thailand for two week she had silly disagreement with dell about butter being left out the table, and would not live her room for two weeks what a fun time we had. So we never go anywhere or do anything where just her prisoners.
She just wants everything her way; I have to agree with everything she says. She is domineering monster she hits me and screams at me and sometimes I have lost it and grabbed her by the writs to shut her up so said she would phone social services and have me arrested , its terrible thing to say hate her, she made my life a misery with her moaning on and on all day and night .I dread every day I have to spend with her, at least Del goes to work and has 9 hours of sanity time, Del and I don’t know what to do we can’t throw her out, sometimes we feel like killing our self just to get away from her because she is really getting us down. I know we really need some help here but from whom, people would not believe us what life is like, and we both sound like a right pair of loonies. When I was a child she was a lovely Mum and couldn’t bear to be away from her because a loved her so much.
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anndel, when you say that you "can't throw her out," is this because she made a financial investment in the addition to the house? I would say that your parents got more than their money's worth out of their part of the costs. It gave your father great pleasure.

Since your mother says she'd rather she had died from cancer than to be living with you, would she really mind so much leaving? Could she go back to the kind of flat she lived in before and misses so much? Is she able to live independently?

I think you need to bring in someone from social services to help you explore options for making your lives better.

I was surprised at your last sentence. I'm glad you at least had a lovely mum in your childhood. Apparently something happened to change your mother. A stroke, maybe, or a blow to the head, or somehow a cruel mental illness has drastically changed her behavior. I feel very sorry for the poor woman. But making your lives miserable is not doing her any good, so I see no reason to sacrifice yourselves.

Please call in some professional help, and let us know how this is going for you.
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This is the stupidest decision I have ever agreed to. My sister had a stroke and I was painted into a corner. I should have left her go into independent living. I am a smart professional woman and because she went to my cardiologist I was stuck with her. I have been told I Am a social climber, show,off and loud crude and rude. If My marriage can get through this, I will be surprised. DO NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!
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sorry but i regret the day i moved in my with my mother-in-law. or let her move in with us...we lived in our house first after her husband had to be put into nursing home for violent dementia. she is selfish and takes advantage of me. i hate everyday i have to take care of her after years and years of constant care and begging for my two weeks outta of 4 yrs away from her...i have had enough! she has two daughters and my husband...her son...let them wipe her butt .feed her...bathe her...listen to her constant complaits..i have done my share...i am almost 50 she is 77...she just doesnt want to even try and help herself..sick to death of this...first of all she didnt give birth to me...wipe my butt..or raise me...i have taken excellent care of her....been kind and loving...but i cant handle this anymore....its about to destroy my marriage..my health has declined...and i dont want to do it anymore i am exhausted!!...so i guess i am the bad guy here.
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My Mother has bee with me for 3 years. I am 61. Retired 5 years ago and basically have not been able to enjoy retirement. Used to enjoy my Mom's company. Now I hid in the basement to get away from her. She has dementia. I have to tell her to take pills, wash hair etc. etc. She said she is sick of me telling her what to do. It is fruitless. I lost my life as i knew it. I tell my husband to go. He plays golf and goes to cards etc. I only ask my siblings for about 3 days out in a month and still can't get the help I need. I lost my friends, I lost my life, I feel so alone I can't even stand getting up in the morning because my day will consist of cleaning up after everyone, make beds, get her bath ready. Get her clothes ready, tell her to take her pills, get meals, finally take my shower and get a coffee(it is now 1 pm) and I haven't eaten. then she will tell me how she is sick of me treating her like the kid. This just isn't fair. I am a Mom. I don't expect my only child to give up the rest of his life to be miserable and take care of me. I am lost and depressed and just don't have any answers anymore!
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You need to contact your local senior services and find out what she may be eligible for if you plan to keep her at home. Also, check in home care providers to get relief a least a couple of days a week.

There is no asking siblings. Most people have to be told what kind of help you need and given a schedule. Have a family meeting and make a plan that involves everyone. If they can't physically help, they certainly should provide some financial assistance if your Mom doesn't have money. I feel non-helping siblings can at least provide you a couple of long weekends each month all to yourself!

This is more than one person can handle 24/7. It may well be time for assisted living or nursing home. You have to take care of yourself first and husband should be your primary responsibility. The two of you earned the right to enjoy these retirement years.
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p.s. forgot to mention this is an old thread....copy and paste your story to a new question/discussion. We are here to support each other and many are and have been exactly in your situation. Best wishes!
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My mom came to live with my husband and me after my dear dad died of cancer. We live in a large house, and she has an apartment with a separate entrance. She is sad and depressed, never got through grieving for him. She has a majorly dependent personality and has fixed her dysfunction on me.

She has no friends and doesn't do anything except fidget around the house. She is physically well for the most part, and does a good share of chores. Ladies have tried to befriend her but she wants no friends.

My problem is that she sneaks around, snoops and stalks and eavesdrops. I used to be able to take refuse in my garden but she peeks around corners and wants to "help". . She watches me and wants to help or makes inane comments on what I'm doing. She is driving me nuts!

She fidgets all day with my dogs: feeds them, puts them out, takes them in 5 minutes later, has to report their bladder and bowel habits in detail. Mostly because she has nothing else to do.

She needs medical treatment for depression and to get a life of her own. She refuses medical help because she's "not crazy". Well hell yes she is.

Lately I am so conflicted and guilty wishing for her to be gone.

Thanks for a place to vent!
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Lillie, will she go to the doctor if you tell her it's required by her insurance company, or Obamacare? The doc canprescribe for a "chemical imbalance" just a thought.
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I fear the only way I am going to get her treatment is to issue an ultimatum . It won't go easy :(
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Lillie, is your situation now easy? What have you got to lose by insisting Mom see a doctor?
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Linda put head down bit you lip and carry on ,My mum who is 85 lives with me and my husband now for 17 years ,my dad died 5years ago ,I don't work I gave it up to look after mum ,my mother is driving me nuts,I've got no life at all, I have no one I'm very lonley ,and sometimes think what's the point in carrying on never let a parent live with you will regret it, I used to love her very much,now I hate her .
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I am sixty two years old, my husband is sixty five. My mother in law is eighty nine and has Alzheimers. She is, and has always been, viscious, deceitful, manipulative and Narcissistic. There comes a point in time when you realize that custodial care is all the patient requires. There is nothing l can do to make this woman happy, l have tried. She will probably outlive us both, because she thrives on ugliness. She is her own reward. After forty years of insulting me about my appearance ( l was a fashion designer, a very successful career woman, and no one else ever found anything other than complimentary words to describe my appearance ).......She is obese, a slob, mean and cruel, and she wears her huge underpants over her pajamas. Karma is a............and so is she. I have never had a problem like this with ANY one else. Save yourself. Don't keep trying to please someone who won't be pleased. I have two daughters. I cannot , for the life of me, imagine being so selfish that l would ask them to spend every one of their waking moments at my beck and call. I did not "give" birth so that l could run and ruin their lives. Narcissim and Alzheimers are the rewards to this woman who was given evrrything and gave NOTHING.






them to spend their lives pacifying and placating me. There is plenty of svientr
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Sorry. That was meant to read, Narcissim and Alzheimers are the rewards to this woman who was given everything and gave NOTHING. ........she wants her third breakfast NOW., l didn't proofread , this before l posted it. Now Now Now! she yells............no, l am not angry. I am livid.
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Livid DerryK, why are you continuing to live with this woman?
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I've been reading through some of the posts on here, & I thank you all for being so open & honest about how hard it is to be a caregiver to a parent. I am 31, been married only 3 years and at the same time I got married my dad died. My mom went into a serious depression, that to this day she is still struggling with. Well, needless to say she is living with us and has been for the last year or better. Everything was relatively ok at first, but now all hell has broke loose. She is always making me feel bad about doing things with my husband, like date nights, etc. She has to be EVERYWHERE I am no matter what I'm doing. If I have a "talk" with her about her behavior, MAJOR guilt trip. Now my husband is starting to get aggravated with the whole thing because the stress is starting to effect my health. So now we all live in one big ball of stress in my house....where my mom thinks everything is just peachy & doesn't see that she's doing anything wrong. I've found myself crying more too...which is unlike me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so fed up, but she's only 60 and absolutely refuses to live on her own. *sigh* :( why, at 30 & newly married, am I going through this already? I don't mean to whine...it's just so hard.
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Your mother can absolutely refuse to live on her own. But you have some rights, too. Like the right to absolutely refuse to have her continue living with you. Your house. You decide who can live there. You can help Mom find other living conditions, or she can do it on her own. But make it clear that she has 90 days to make other arrangements.

That is, if you really want the situation to end. If you value your health more than you fear her disappointment. If your marriage is the most important relationship in your life.

If you don't want to take charge of your living arrangements, expect this to go on for another 30 to 40 years. I guarantee you that Mother is not going to wake up some morning and decide she'd like to move out.
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Bebe84 - You don't have to accept the guilt mom dumps at your door. There's a saying that mom pushes the buttons she installed, and it's true. Mom has GO. G - O go. GO Go GO.

My mom is a narcissist and has tried to control every aspect of my being for my 40+ years on this earth. I got away for a good number by marrying somebody 1800 miles away.

My husband's mother moved in with us for 6 months once, and then my own mother lived with us for a month in 2013. Both of them had no intentions of going anywhere once they landed, but neither one was compatible with sanity, comfort, or a harmonious home. They had to G-O, go!

You and your husband need to form a united front and explain how it's going to be to your mom. It will be ugly. She will be angry. Just expect it to go over like a lead balloon. She may rant, rage, pout, or even be silent. (I never got lucky and got the silent treatment - if only.)

You guys are YOUNG and deserve to live in a peaceful, harmonious home. You deserve personal time. You deserve to be alone.

If she is still in her right mind, you can do this several ways.

1. Eviction notice. You have to go and you have to be gone by x/x or your stuff will be on the lawn. We had to do this to my mother in law. Lady, if you want grandkids, you need to move out.

2. The obnoxious route. Make life uncomfortable for her. Walk around naked. Have loud sex - often. Play loud music. Invite a ship load of drunken sailors over to play strip charades.

3. Subtle approach. Go with her on tours of some local senior-only apartment buildings. Usually on tours, they'll feed you lunch and she can get a good feel for the place.

4. Combo Platter. Some of all of the above. We stopped tiptoeing around my mother and stopped catering to her every demand. If you're going to be in my house, you're going to have to adjust to it, not the other way around.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness in life. I had to be over 40 to learn that. I saw to my mom's safety and well being and that was it. We put her in a senior apartment with add on services. She was OK until she realized I wasn't going to be there, camped at her knee 24/7/365. I have a career, a home to clean, kids to wrangle, and a husband to cherish.

I quit expecting my mom to respect me as a separate human being. She's incapable of it. I quit expecting her to understand I have more obligations that she does. I quit expecting her to be reasonable about anything because it just wasn't going to happen.

The book Surviving the Borderline Mother really helped me out. And putting her into a nice reasonable senior place!
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bebe,I'm the original poster (about 4 years ago) and sandwich42's comments are spot on. I've come to think of guilting someone as an intentional act of cruelty. The person is purposely evoking negative emotions in you to manipulate you into do as they wish. Usually they do this when you are resisting taking this action, and often they use an implied or stated "if you love me, you'd do X". This isn't a very loving thing to do.

Like sandwich, I've quit expecting some things, and accepted some others. My mom will never change. She will always have unreasonable expections of my sister and I, and life in general. She doesn't choose to be happy and we aren't responsible for her happiness, especially as the efforts are futile. And the hardest thing to accept has been that the whole loving, doting mom was an act to get us to do as she wished. It turns out that we could be cast aside as she did friends who no longer did as she wanted. I can't tell you how many times we've been thrown under the bus.

My suggestion to you would be determine what you and your husband need to have happen. Research senior living options for her, a doctor to help her get a handle on the depression. Stay calm and detached when you discuss it - don't get pulled into a big emotional blowup - she'll be pulling out all the stops. Bear in mind that narcissistic moms don't put their spouses or kids first, so she will be expecting you to put her before your husband.

I wish I could tell you that at some point, the struggle lessens. But all you can do is take it one struggle at a time.

We're all sending you vibes for strength and calm.
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