My mom has Alzheimer's, Dementia, Schizophrenia and Bipolar. Home care is not an option, and I need advice

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My mom was recently diagnosed (2/10) with Alzheimer's, Dementia, Schizophrenia and Bipolar. I am her caregiver, although she still lives by herself (behind me). Her radical behavioral/mood changes are unpredictable and frightening. I do not have a poa, but I do pay her bills for her, take her dinner, and take her out 2 days a week. More and more she will get mad at me, accuse me of stealing things out of her home (then replacing them), wanting to take her home from her, etc. This would not bother me, with the exception of the fact that she is now calling people and telling these wild tales to them. She recently got upset with me (for no reason that I could understand), and went and opened up a separate bank safety deposit box with a woman she hasn't spoken to in 6 years (whom she couldn't stand). Three days later, she was asking me why I was mad at her? She wanted to take the lady off of the box and put me on it with her (like her original box). I promised my mom a long time ago that I would never put her in a home (her biggest fear), and I want to keep that promise. But home care is not an option, and I need advice.


we were just advised about a half way home for my husbands grandmother. She fits exactly what your mother is but worse. In fact she was being cared for at home, my husband went to the bathroom and she jumped out a window.......her doctor suggest a half way home so she wouldnt be in a nursing home and it would be more affordable. medicare pays 80 percent of those also
You promised her that you would never put her in a home because she is only thinking of the homes of old. These now are wonderful!!!
Call some homes that have memory sections. They are trained for this stuff. Take her to dinner there (the homes love for you both to come) and let her see the activities. Visit more than once. She needs to be there for her safety. Must pay for this stuff out of her money, not yours. Go to the bank as she wishes and get your name on the account. Then get the checks away from her. I did this, my sister's name is on it also, I pay all bills here for medical and supplies she needs. I do not yet have Power of Attorney, but that does not stop me from doing what needs to be done for her. Mom really likes the assisted living homes now. People, activites, care, nice food.
Cannot stop and ruin you life for a person who's mind is not working well any more. That is not your fault, nor is it their's. Just the way this happens. Getting her in a safe environment is most important. Getting you a sane and reasonable life it most important!!!
I'm an only child - my mom is 88 years old. We live about 10 minutes away and my husband & I have always taken her (she never drove) shopping, drs., hairdresser, out to eat, etc. When my dad died in 97 I found I became the "lightning rod" - whatever I did she made a nasty comment, I would bite my tongue and continue on, even though it hurt inside. Two years ago she had to go to rehab. When she was ready to be discharged, I mentioned to the social worker that since they were only giving her pain meds there every 8 hours and I saw a BIG difference in her - she wasn't drowsy or constantly falling asleep, and she really didn't need them so often, (she was addicted to them) I wondered if they could tell her that I was going to take away the large bottles of pain meds she had waiting on her table when she went home. See if I took them away and told her I did she would tell all her friends that "her daughter won't allow her any pain pills" and not tell them the whole story that in reality I was trying to help her.The social worker told me that they couldn't do that because she did have them prescribed by a dr. (and he wouldn't change the time frame on them even when I advised him of her condition). They did however say that if I allowed their psychiatrist to evaluate her & it was determined she needed anti-depressants now they could tell mom that the two meds would't mix. After her evaluation 2 psychatrists told me that she has long term and short term memory of a 30 year old but. . "she's trying to control me". Wow there it was! I have since learned that when older people start realizing that they can't do things on their own and basically losing control they "hurt" the ones they love. Even though I know that it hurts and I bite my tongue everytime my mom says something to me - if she were like that with everyone else because of dementia it wouldn't bother me but she is just sooooooo sweet with everyone; however her friends see how she plays the game. Just recently I was going on a cruise & told her she needed to get enough groceries for 2 weeks- I found her in wal-mart saying she was done with not even enough items for 1 week. I told her she needed more to which she replied "oh no, I'm not going to eat while you're gone and I'm telling everyone you don't take care of me". I found that they take it out on their caregiver almost like it's our fault that they're in this condition, they're losing control & they realize it and we're to feel sorry for them. Hang in there - I know it's not easy!!!
Evelyn...yep control freaks..if they were Narcissitic control freaks before they aged....then they are 1 million times worse when they get old.
Hi evelyn1622
Make sure she understands you don't play her game. Not anymore. I have heard it over and over on these sites and it is best to be fair, but stand up for yourself. Not getting mad, but not taking it either. My mom does the same to me, telling others how I tell her what to do. The physical therapist tells her to walk a certian way and it is ok. I do it and I am being bossy. But t6hen this does get me to look at myself and I do see in ways she is right. In trying to be so helpful, I say to much. How much can a person be told they need to be doing something better? I'd get fed up with that myself.
A while ago I would come back at her and asked her why she was acting like that with only me - she cried for days saying "I didn't love her". I tried to explain that wasn't true, so whenever I try to stand up for myself she turns on the tears & honestly at this age I don't want to start a major argument. She has health problems and is in rehab right now recovering from a broken hip. The nurses & CNAs are amazed how differently she acts when I'm in the room - she has labored breathing and claims it's so hard for her to talk and just moans - when the nurse comes back into the room (who was in there just a little while ago - but before I came) and sees her and asks whats wrong she tells them that "you know I'm really bad" to which they reply that she wasn't like that earlier. She just sighs. When I leave she's back to normal breathing & talking with them. The other day she was having her "episode" when I was in the room - then I said goodbye and I went outside her room & stopped in the hall to read something - the nurse & CNA came over to me - they saw how she was a few minutes earlier when I was in the room - and all of a sudden we hear my mom talking on the phone to her friend - all peppy and not out of breath - the nurse timed her - she was on the phone for 14 minutes with no talking or breathing problems at all - she couldnt believe it. When she was in the hospital and they came in to take blood my mother stated to yell that "please don't hurt me - you always hurt me" (I was in the room) to which the nurse said "come on you always tell me I'm so gentle and you never complain". I said I had to walk out (I would pass out) and wait in the hall. My mom asked the nurse if I was still in the room and she said she's at the door to which my mom started yelling again. I then yelled "I'm going down the hall to make a phone call", even though I stood in the same spot. She asked the nurse if I left who said yes (she realized what was going on) and mom stopped yelling . The nurse then said "oh here comes your daughter" to which the yelling started immediately. The nurse asked why she was doing that and she answered that "I want my daughter to feel sorry for me". WOW
The 7th of October, my mom was "baker-acted". The hospital made me sign papers for her to receive "treatment", along with financial responsibility paperwork. This "medical proxy" paperwork was to enable ME to make decisions for her, obtain her medical records, etc. When trying to determine her diagnosis, I was told (NOT by the doctor, who NEVER returned ANY of my calls), that her "preliminary" diagnosis was "Adjustment disorder". When I called there to speak with her, she was SO DRUGGED, she could not form a word, or they would tell me she had been "strapped down" in the chair!
When I attempted to obtain her medical records, I was informed that ONLY the doctors and nurses were able to obtain them WHILE she was IN the hospital! I explained that the Medical Proxy paperwork said that I had the right to obtain them...they refused! They kept her in the psych ward until the 20th (doped up or restrained). The discharge nurse called me the day prior to her discharge and told me she MUST have "24 hour" care, OR "they couldn't discharge her". I explained that since I myself was unable to care for her (due to a really bad case of shingles (from the stress of doing it by myself for the last 3 years), she said she would talk to her caseworker. On the 20th, the ambulance company called me to tell me approx when she would be arriving home. I again reiterated that there would be NO ONE there to take care of her. They delivered her home, and sat in her yard for 30 minutes, as they could not LEAVE her there ALONE. Mom called my number, I answered and she told me to come over....when I walked up, the ambulance driver handed me an envelope, and left me standing there with mom!
They left her there with NO FOOD, NO MEDS (but in the envelope was her prescriptions-All NEW meds), and Me.
I was given NO instruction as to her diet, her meds, etc., and had to spend the night. Can't continue...sorry (mom, nurse, police, ambulance)=chaos outside my door!

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