Long distance Power of Attorney and endorsing checks...

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A branch of parents' bank near where I live will not allow me to use my power of attorney to endorse a federal tax refund check made out to my parents so it can be deposited into my parents account. It came to my address because I'm handling all their tax returns, etc. How can I get this check deposited into their account?

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Take them a copy of your durable POA. The should be able to deposit it into your mother's account just as it is. If they already have a copy of the durable POA and you have been paying for your mother's tax returns, etc. using the POA, then I don't understand their problem. That particular bank person must not understand what a durable POA means and I've met some like that.
what does durable power of attorney really mean. My document is 6 pages that basically says I have the right to make all health care decisions and banking -real estate etc- which I have been doing since 1997. Now my mother who is ill- and has been homebound on oxygen ( copd and emphysema in late stages) says I can do nothing since she does not have dementia. Now I have well meaning church members (hers) that are listening to her that we are not taking care of her and are ASSUMING that what she says is true and are looking for her housing -bringing her food ( think she is telling them we are not taking care of her)-they have never asked or talked to us nor taken into consideration that my mother is a very physically and Bi-Polar and oxygen deprived.

I am tired of having basically a very miserable existance- with un announced - well meaning visitors every other day.

They have no idea that the nice person who they think is a sweet christian woman has another side that they would have no idea how to deal with.

How DO you take care of someone that will not let you- what does the POA mean in that case .
My brother says to let her move to an apartment and have a service check on her periodically along with all her "church" friends."

The document I have says as the "agent" for her I can resign - with a written notice to her.

She was an abusive mother in my youth and she has become abusive verbally now.

I am really ashamed of all the things that she has told other people that they seem to believe-
Durable Power of Atty bascially means that you can conduct business in their behalf for they are not able to conduct their business in a business like fashion.

Unless stated in the durable POA, the medical issues are normally covered in a medical POA

Sounds like she's running a distortion campaign against you and give the past abuse, it might be a good idea to resign and get out of there.

To really understand what the POA means, ask the lawyer who wrote it up.
Bank employee is wrong.
ANybody can make a deposit to an account, it does not have to be the account holder. If they are withdrawing then that's different. But you are just making a deposit. Deposits once endorsed are "blind" items and must be processed as presented. This is a federal code.
If they are just continue to be a PIA get employee's name and send a complaint to the Director of HR @ the Bank. Most new bank employee's
who mann the tellers are better suited to working at WalMart - the hiring standards are low as is the pay scale.
You can also run it through night deposit or drive-thru.
We have a similar experience in our family. My bro has POA for my dad, I have it for my mother. I no longer even want POA but have to do so for her safety and will try to suck up the abuse. My brother is on the verge of total breakdown because of being responsible for my father.

Also, as a sidebar, my parents' neighbors were very similar to those listed above. They finally realized they were being used as doormats. We were able to introduce ourselves to these "helpers" w/o my parents' knowledge and once they realized how their good will had been exploited, they were getting in line to help US get my parents the LICENSED PROFESSIONAL care they needed

There can be hope. It's all in how you go to these people, maybe tell them how grateful you are for their assisting you with your mother who is failing. Consider the legal ramifications for the elderly person AND the neighbors. Either party could open themselves up to a lawsuit if there is an injury as a result of non-professional assistance.
An up date -I have checked on an apartment for my mother- and am in the process of securing the lease - transferring oxygen , cable lights etc. My brother and I are in agreement and are trying our best to coordinate her care. However mother is telling anyone that will listen - out of state relatives. nurses that come to the house , and church members that do not know the entire situation that we are treating her badly.

Every day I have a parade of people coming to my house and not one of them has ever asked me or the ones that have tried to take care of her what is going on.

I think given her abusive past to her children that she is enjoying this situation. I am mortified by what she is doing and saying.

I have only one more day then I will not be able to secure the living arrangements that really wold be better for all of us. She is still under the mistaken impression that she will get help from the government -and that the church friends are going to take care of her.

My brother (who is an attorney ) and i are both at our wits end trying to do the best we can and she is fighting us every step of the way.

I don't want her POA -nor her money -maybe $70,000 left-never did - all I wanted was a mother that loved me-she is still stabbing me in the back_

I know it is horrible to say - but she has been so mean to the ones that have lived with her that none of us want anything to do with her.

I know in my heart that is not the christian thing to say - but how much abuse mental, physical and verbal do you have to take .


You are not alone. I have been following your story and the comments people are posting. You have no idea how many people are living this same experience.

My parents told their neighbors we were estranged but like I posted before, once we started to explain the story to the neighbors (we also called the dept of health and welfare who immediately knew we were telling the truth), the floodgates opened, and they were "on our side" so to speak.

If you can communicate to one of these people, they will ALL follow suit.

Sometimes retiree neighbors have so little going on, they look for any gossip to fuel their day and make things interesting. Your mother, like our parents, and their "rotten kids" have been something for all these lonely retirees to focus on and gossip about. They RELISHED their discussions about my parents and continue to to this day. Some have my email address and ask for updates, admitting they want to tell everyone over coffee.

So give them more fodder, but the TRUE side of the story- the fact that you have struggled to be a good daughter and are at your wit's end. Sure you will be fodder for their gossip grist mill, but for positive reasons. As soon as your mother sees they are no longer buying into her demonizing of her own children she will either shut her yap when trying to malign you, or she will find herself totally ostracized. The people we got on our side spread the truth like wildfire, and it dawned on everyone VERY EASILY that our parents were the ones with the problem, not their children.

Also, I assure you, the neighborly people WILL see the truth because there is no doubt she has exhibited her true personality to at least ONE of these people - no one is a great actress 24/7, 365 plus 1. My parents unleashed on one person so when we came along and told our side of things, the neighbors did believe us because of what some of them had lived through but put it down to my parents having "a bad day". And once an enabler is exposed, they tend to go totally the other way. All of the neighbors even volunteered to appear in court if we needed them to make sure my parents didn't live independently again, nor drive.

FYI, my parents now demonize us to the nursing home staff, who seem to have caught on very quickly. It's only untrained "civilians" who fall for this baloney, that and opportunistic lawyers. I'm glad you have a lawyer in the family but like you say, at this point it is not about the money. It's about the fact that being a good daughter never touched a hardened woman's heart. And that's not your fault, just like it wasn't mine/my brothers'. My parents' legacy is one of never being there for anyone. I for one have no plan to leave that kind of legacy behind me, and I'm certain you won't, either.
Thx
I'm just really embarrased and I can't take one moment back - just wish I had realized this years ago. Mom says she isn't sorry about anything and she is a good christian woman. God help me never to be that kind of "christian woman" - I wanted to be kind -make a difference and help her - regardless of her abuse in my first 20 years- I feel I have just allowed more abuse in my life by trying to help her.
crystalmpn ,

Hold on. It is horrible that your mother is abusive. I'm probably sounding like a broken record on this site, but from your description she sounds like a borderline queen with a lot of witch in her. This description comes from the book, Understanding the Borderline Mom. Such people are perfect actresses and can keep up a front with everyone on the outside basically 24/7 for they know how to 'act normal' However, with those intimate family members they will unleash all the power of hell and Darth Vader Combined!

It is not a horrible thing to say what kind of person your mother is. Hey, Jesus and Paul said some horrible things about people who were horrible also.

Also, what you say about not wanting to have anything to do with her is not unchristian. It is a real and valid emotion, plus understandable given the invalidating, abusive experience you and others have had and continue to have with her. She's sick! You didn't make her that way. You can't fix how she is or how she has been. Nor can you control how mean a personality she has. Before we even had the diagnosis borderline personality disorder, we just called such people plain mean. The best thing you and your bother can do is get on a healthy path yourselves regardless of what she does or does not do. She's running a distortion campaign against you and it just might work. I think you need to google borderline and distortion campaign. You will find some helpful articles on this subject. Good luck.

I know it is horrible to say - but she has been so mean to the ones that have lived with her that none of us want anything to do with her.

I know in my heart that is not the christian thing to say

I know it is horrible to say - but she has been so mean to the ones that have lived with her that none of us want anything to do with her.

I know in my heart that is not the christian thing to say
someone mentioned the department of health and welfare- does any one have any information that I can be referred to for some help in a situation like this.

I tried to talk to one of the newly concerned visitors and because I am not of my moms religion and theirs- their only comment was that she was a fine christian woman and if she had any concerns- money poa etc was that one of thier elders or church members should have a meeting with us to address her concerns.

Sorry but my reply was - no I think her family-that truly know her and this situation should handle this- my brother , children, and if I could find my sister. My sister never has any contact with her - she maintains she was abused and as soon as she left home never had any contact with her. In retrospect maybe that was what I should have done.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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