Just Sent my Mom home....She pushed my last button!

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I have been caring for my Mom for over 2 1/2 years in my home. She has cancer, which is in remission, but is weak with aches and pains all over. I have waited on her, literally, hand and foot. I work from my home office most of the time. So being here, she thinks she can talk to me all day about meaningless things.
She was a good mother but lived her life through me. I am exhausted with the guilt trips she has put on me for 59 years. I have changed my lifestyle drastically to have her in my home. And she too uses that "I took care of you...now you take care of me." I am an only child and have absolutely no help with her.
Last week, she pushed my last button and this time when she said she just needed to go back to her house, I said OK. I guess I called her bluff because I normally tell her she can't take care of herself. So I packed her up and took her home....just about 3 miles from me.
Now, when I talk to her, she is crying and saying she's depressed. Says she doesn't think she can clean her house.....big understatement. She has been a hoarder for as long as I can remember. Her house is disgusting. Over the last 2 years, I have gone over there on weekends and just started throwing things away. Now, after going from my clean house to her nasty house, she says she is depressed and just cries and cries. It would take me no less than a year to go through all the mess in her house. She absolutely can't do it and I don't have time to do it.
Ok, bottom line....She has no money to go to a nursing home without me paying around $2,300 a month. She owns too much property to qualify for her Medicare to pay. I am exhausted, disgusted and just DONE! Am I being a bad daughter? I don't think I will ever be free from her guilt trips! She is just a person that is never satisfied, harshly critical, gossiper, and it's all about her. I feel sorry for her and don't think she can change. Therefore, I just can't continue. Since she's been with me, I have gotten her health better and mine is going down...am now on BP meds and 2 chill pills.
Any advice or words of wisdom?


Why can't you sell her property and put her in a home? Do you have power of attorney? Have a doctor examine her for competency. Hoarding is a health hazard and if someone reports it Social Services will get involved in most states.
I am sure Social Services would deem her home unsafe. I would love to sell it and put her in a home but like I said, it would take months to get the trash out. I can't devote the time to cleaning it out because I own my own business and work night and day. And if I had time, I could start selling her stuff on ebay or have an estate sale. Right now I am just overwhelmed with what to do, how to do it, and finding time. I don't have POA as she doesn't trust anybody. It's a sad situation. I'm going to talk to an attorney who deals in this sort of stuff and get my options. Thanks.
If I understand this right, she is using you to pay for her needs so that she will not have to sell her property or take out a home equity loan (or reverse mortgage). I am kind of in the same boat. It is nasty. Maybe you can find out what is triggering her depression & tell her about ways to get past it. They have HICAP counselors in California which is like free legal counseling for seniors. I think you may need help with approaching "spending down" concept but I think your parent may insist on saving her property for you to inherit. I do not know. But this is a common problem. How do feel you about this? May be you can apply for POA and adjust things to make both of you happy.
tnlady3, you are NOT financially responsible for your mother, especially if she has resources of her own. It sounds like she needs to go to some kind of care center. She can be private-pay as long as she has the funds for it, and be on Medicaid after that (so be sure to select a center that accepts Medicaid.) Under Medicaid the applicant is allowed to own a home. This would give you plenty of time -- years-- to get the house cleaned up and ready to sell. (Hire professionals to help, if appropriate.) Keep track of ALL your house-related expenses, so that when it is sold you can be reimbursed. Once your mother is on Medicaid she won't have funds to pay insurance, taxes, and house upkeep. If you can manage those expenses you will get your costs back.

Your plan to see a lawyer is excellent. Be sure to select someone experienced in elder law. It is complex enough to have its own specialty!
Maybe see what kind of home health or waiver services are available - whether at your house or hers. But setting the limit was probably a good thing to do, I was advised about that, though under different circumstances - when they believe you HAVE no limits, they may feel very free to abuse you to no end, take you for granted, and frankly start believing that they are perfectly right to keep doing so - they may actually start to believe the little stories they tell themselves to save face, illogical though they might be!! Once I reduced contact from daily-no-matter-what and let others help more (I was blessed to have that option, I realize) she was quite a bit less abusive with me; it wasn't the sort of thing you could have reasoned with her about, I think it is something they have to realize subconsciously. If there is no risk of driving you away, there is no limit to what they can ask of you!

When/if the time comes for the estate sale, other than the work of saving everything worth saving and bringing it out first, there may not be that much you have to do; they normally contract to leave the house clean and pretty much empty. There are actual house clean-out services too. Try googling elderly home clean-out services.

I know when it was my turn as an only child to deal with these issues, I had to get myself a very rapid and often very unwelcome education into the systems and services and lack thereof for our elders. You may have already found you fall through the cracks income wise, or maybe not. Options vary by geographic area. I was told to contact the Ursulines in Pittburgh, PA, and finding an elder law person was also a very helpful step, initial consultation a few hundred but very much worth it. It IS overwhelming, emotionally as well as practically! You'll do the best you can, and hopefully end up feeling good about yoru decisions or most of them, but of course don't fall for the trap of thinking you "honor" your parent by sacrificing your health and your life - the very life they gave you and tried to equip you for; they may demand and expect too much of us out of fear and denial as much as out of entitlement, as facing the losses of old age and infirmity of body and mind is horrendous for them too.

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