I've lived with and cared for Mom for 2.5 yrs. My brother has DPOA & POA. Mood swings!

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She has confirmed that she is worried about my well-being and has been stressed by the dissension in the family. My brother has DPOA & MPOA, although I have lived with and cared for Mom for the last 2.5 years.


What exactly is your question? Why are you caring for your Mom and not your brother?
Why is your mother concerned about you? Do you have health problems? Is it just you and your brother? Does your mother have dementia? What is the dissension about?

Let us know. We're here to listen.
My mother asked me to move from Hawai'i to stay with her so she could continue to live in her home. I was the only member of my family willing to do that. My brothers would rather Mom be in a nursing home/ assisted living situation...for a couple of reasons.

Since I moved here in 2011 I have lost 4 jobs due to 1 lay-off, 1 conflict of interest, 1 I quit and the last I was fired from. Yes, I have some health issues (I'm 51) and have no health insurance.

My mother has always had a difficult time separating herself from me. I believe it's called enmeshing. She doesn't see me as being a fully autonomous being, has a martyr complex and lives in victim consciousness.

I am the youngest of 5 and the only female sibling. My 2nd to the oldest brother has the POA & MPOA and has been a veritable a--hole to me until last week when I blasted him for verbally abusing mom, threatening to kick my ass and calling me a liar. Since I called for a family meeting with a family couselor or mediator, he's backed off. I don't trust his good behaviour to continue and the talk of counseling/ meeting has been dropped.

I believe Mom is seriously depressed and I have asked her Primary Care Physician for a referral to a psychiatrist. My family has a history of personality & brain chemistry disorders (I am the only one of the kids to ever seek long term treatment for these issues).
You don't seem to have a question. Perhaps you are venting?

One thing that stands out for me is that your brothers wanted to place her into a ALF or NH and you decided to care for her instead. I think you may want to reevaluate your original stance. How can you care for her, when you are clearly having difficulty caring for yourself? You will not be able to give her the care that she needs - and her needs are only going to increase.
Yes, I suppose I am venting. My frustration comes from my family insisting that Mom's problems are my fault. I seem to be the only one willing to fight for a solution to her problems as opposed to putting her away, you know, out of sight out of mind. That way they can believe they have done their duty by her instead of abiding by her wishes, which is to stay at home as long as possible.

I am not being unrealistic. I am well aware that the time will come when she will be unable to stay here. But for now, she is fairly mobile, has no overly debilitating physical issues (her OT's & PT's are impressed with her performance when they visit) and her mind is generally clear.

There is no question in my mind about my ability to take care of myself. I did it alone for 20, issues and all. I was gainfully and fairly comfortably employed and had excellent health coverage. In fact, I was Executive Director of a non-profit for the last 5 years I was in Hawai'i and am now in the process of starting my own business.

Venting yes and I am very grateful that this forum exists. It helps me to feel less alone and that I am not crazy or being a jerk for feeling the way I do at times.
I am reminded of how my siblings have responded to me when I have emailed them about my mother's condition... one sibling in particular lives in the same town and she gets very hostile when I give updates and personally attacks me.... and then instead of focusing on the needs of my mother, it becomes an attack against me - like I am exaggerating.

So, what have I done? I don't do email updates anymore.

I totally get that. I had to draw the line when the bro who has POA & MPOA verbally attacked Mom at the nursing home (in front of her roommate), threatened to kick my ass & told Mom I was a liar. I drew the line because he victimised her instead of going after me.

After my mother passes, I will no longer have any contact with this brother and the rest of his family. They will cease to exist for me.
It's interesting - similar to you - I am the youngest of 5 and the one sibling who gets irritated with my email updates is the one who has POA for Mom (second oldest). I think she gets angry because my emails show that I know what is going on with my mom and what her needs are - and she has totally abdicated her responsibility and feels guilty. So, instead of addressing my mom's health needs, she attacks me viciously. I had to literally filter her emails to the underworld and block her from texting and calling me. It felt and feels empowering.
You hit the nail right on the head! Being Mom's POA made my brother feel like a hero, but when I arrived that pretty much usurped his position. I called him on it and would like to think it struck a chord.

I have unfriended him, his wife and kids as they used FB to attack and ridicule me.
How old is your mom?
Does she's on her own home? Paid for? Mortgage?
What are her financial resources?
Is there a trust and a will? Who is trustee and executor?
Or. is there only a DPOA & Health POA naming brother?
Was she recently in hospital or nursing home for rehab and now has PTs & OTs at home?
If she is clear minded and has not been diagnosed with interment, she is still allowed to change her mind and sign documents.
Protect yourself and your mom.
If you are going to be the caretaker, get her to her attorney to put the responsibilities in your name.
If you have any idea that her attorney will contact your brother, choose a different attorney, preferably an Elder Care specialist and go there.
You can amend the existing trust or have a new one prepared that supersedes all previous paperwork.
Cost will be the only factor but don't let that stop you. It's only going to get worse, not better, with your brother and your family.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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