I'm so afraid, of losing Mom, being alone and in between
I'm taking care of mom alone who has advanced dementia. I recently took care of dad too, who passed away over a year ago. Each day it gets harder and more painful to deal with the loss. Seeing mom deteriorate more than I cant describe I difficult it is. I love her to death and as hard and draining as it is, she's my word and I don't for a minute want to lose her even when she's yelling and threatening me.
I don't mean to sound selfish but when she's gone ill literally have no one. I've read so many posts about the same thing. The problem is, I disabled, I unable to drive and walking and functioning is almost impossible. Even when someone comes to help, I am unable to go anywhere as I don't have the means or resources. I've been cut from the world and society for 9 years other than going to doctors. It's hard to imagine how it will be to cope with the outside world. A little while ago I went to the pharmacy (I saved up to pay someone to take me), it was so difficult and overwhelming that I walked out, leaving my 2 items behind. I thought it would be so exciting but I became more ill. (I suffer from chronic intractable abdominal pain after some failed surgery). Stress doesn't help!
I don't know how to feel that everything isn't hopeless because it is. I try to drown myself in just loving mom and that too is so painful as we all know. Losing her bit by bit is eating me up alive.
Sorry for saying all these things. I haven't had anyone to talk to for 9 years.