I'm losing my mind.

Started by

1) Durable Power Of Attorney For Health Care...Can a person say what they want done with them before this situation happens? Say before I get Dementia or am in a Coma, can I say what I want done with me? Like "yes, due surgery needed while in a coma" or" keep me at home with dementia if I have money for all the caregiver or I choose a NH"? Without appointing anyone as Durable Power?

2) IS General Power Of Attorney the same as Primary Beneficiary especially with Residuary estate?

3) In the "Rules" I must follow in order to one day inherit the home I live in, there are 10 rules to obey.::( Am I overreacting- you should read the several pages of details)
A) No allowing my kids husband/wife to ever live here
B) If I remarry to the non father of my kids I have options to own the house proving perfect marriage 5 years and he has financial status as do I, If we move the house gets sold and not by our choice if kids are under 19...( by the "rules") or if I dont want to wait I may purchase the home at a slight discount etc etc.
C) Father of my kids never live here or inherit the home ( I agreed to this)
D) It Goes On and on what I must do, if a person or more dies etc.If I die and my kids are over 21 they are never aloud to have a roommate to help pay bills. it goes on and on.

So, I agree to protect my kids and my sibling and my dad the heck with me to keep the house. I have done everything they asked over the years just to be able to live here. No dating, No dating a man who is not white, go to school get a degree, no one lives there, etc. They have no trust in me with my decision making or it seems financially as Im not allowed to handle the money thats left for my kids even WITH an attorney for guidance!!! Which no matter what I chose to have one!!!

So this being said, In my last post I mentioned most of this. I was shocked when my grandpa said" Ill leave you one of the houses" I have kids of course I accepted! But my family is fighting over this with me, and sees me as being greedy because I think some of the "rules" are way of base and hurtful. I told them all at this point I will save up for a used mobile home just so I can keep peace in the family and I can try to save what family I have left. What would you do? Is me saying the heck with the house ( kids education money which is still being left to my aunt as the beneficiary ( with only a verbal agreement that she handle the education fees from it) the best thing to do? The day my grandpa dies, we will have 30 days to vacate the property because in my heart I feel we wont be allowed to live here esp with all this fighting going on. I can be homeless but I dont want my kids homeless.

How do I prove Im not the one whos greedy? And all these years I been caring for grandpa, as well as over full time now. I grew up believing we should mentally and physically care for each other. Where are they but getting upset who will hold the "power" after he dies saying its for my kids with no faith I will keep it for my kids.

Sorry to be so repetitive in my posts, but, I just never wanted to provide with any detailed info so my family doesn't have a fit Im airing dirty laundry. I lost my trust in most family and men, so of course im leery. I pray Im wrong. I pray Im being dumb. I love my Aunt, all my family and have only a handful left and I dont want to loose them over this. I hate this. Im not trying to be greedy but they see me that way because I dont agree on everything they say!


You can't depend on anything that isn't in writing and is not revocable. My advice is the same as it was a couple of days ago. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children first, so a job still sounds like the best idea. Waiting for someone to die to inherit a house maybe sounds like a very bad idea.
Let me take a stab at this and hope that someone else will come along with more precise answers on some of the questions.

1. A Durable Power of Attorney addresses financial and legal issues. A Health Care POA a/k/a Health Care Proxy, a/k/a Living Will and probably a/k/a other titles addresses medical care that you may or may not want and may refuse.

When I drafted mine, I included a provision not to be kept alive if I became paralyzed. Of course, that was my intention, I didn't hire an attorney, so I'm not sure if an attorney would include such a provision. But it was my wish.

2. Got me on this one. I'm not even sure what a GPOA is in relation to a beneficiary. I'm not sure I've even seen a "Primary Beneficiary" designation in EP dox.

3. Rules - whose and what rules? Were these created by whoever holds the assets you may inherit? Who owns the home and how is it titled? Is the bequest in a Will or Trust? I don't know where the "several pages of details are" but that does sound like a lot of reading.

Honestly it seems to me that someone is going out of his/her way to create obstacles so eggregious that you won't want the house. And if it were me, I'd refuse to agree to anything that restrictive. But the question is whether you're in a position to find another place to live and whether or not you want to be literally tied up and legally trussed like a Thanksgiving turkey in order to inherit the house.

I don't know of any specific way to prove you're not "greedy" but query why you would have to prove this.

It seems there are some really intense family dynamics going on here and you're being put on the defensive, and that these dynamics are complicating a lot of relationships and personal issues.

Perhaps it's time to step back and sort out your priorities, with caring for your grandfather, and apparently soon your father, and put aside the family issues. Let them battle things out between themselves.

It's also time to focus on your life, career and plans for yourself.

You've written about getting a job; I see that you like animals. Perhaps you could start with a part-time job at one of the animal shelters or with a rescue group.

I know of someone who segued into a position with an animal shelter by creating his own animal care service, walking dogs and providing vacation care. That would give you some creds on your resume.
JessieBelle, That's what I thought, if its not written we are in trouble! I am looking for a job :)

GardenArtist, Im glad you were able to do that without an attorney.Yes, the rules are made up by my Aunt and she claims my grandpa was in on all of the rules but he admits to only two of them,possibly 3rd. He signed it, but was already blind at that point. The house goes to her and when all the rules have been followed and time passed I may own the house! hahahahahahaha I say!!! Because the way its worded, I cant.

With no job I cant move anywhere, so Im stuck. My plan is to save for a used old mobile home so I have it as a backup. I do feel greedy at times and get defensive because I have been told to my face by family" why cant you be like..."sally" Why arent you smart like them?" Your choices in men are always bad( ok, most times it was but one in particular I couldnt be with because they were black-even though they were a TRUE man!!!) Gentle loving etc... , if you went and got a "real" degree ( I have a Bachelors in Multidisciplinary- ok yes, bad degree but I was planning on a masters in something.. oh wait what grandpa told me to do Nursing or Teacheing!!! But I always wanted to be a Veterinarian or own my own business like a day care or special needs place for kids and adults. I mean, Ill take any job I can, but my career path was shot down! It was a rule to get the house and now there's no Teaching Jobs here( ok a few not for what Im qualifying in and the Human Resource Lady there told me for every job they list, theres anywhere between 20- 100 applicants applying) Plus Im not bilingual but am trying. But, looking at the pages of rules, what they told me didnt even match up to the papers!

I want to prove that Im not such a horrible person- far from perfect of course, but I really thought I wasnt that bad. I want them to realize that because this my legacy and my name and yes, my feelings and I do care for others, esp my family money or no money. Its like no matter what I do, Im wrong and not good for anyone. They as well as some of my exes and ex friends have put me down so bad, I have no self esteem, and I feel Im going to mess up everything and anything I do. Yes, been told that. Its funny because as a kid, I had confidence, dreams I had it all planned out. Yes, even that young I knew adults had some troubles but I was ready as I could be and told my self as I grow I will learn what everything means and I can do this!!! I haven't seen that confident girl in over 30 years.

I talked with my neighbor and told her what am I suppose to do like my very first post I asked what more can I do for grandfather, it was her and her husband who feel this way, possibly others. She said AFTER he dies then you can look for a job, what? Ill lose the house, there's no money to pay ALL the bills. My dad can cover taxes that's it. Im getting older now, already being turned down jobs due to my weight, age and lack of experience. I am 37 years old,nothing to show financially for my years on earth. They already dont want me now, in 5 years, Ill have no chance!! Even my Aunt who made or agreed or whatever the rules said to work NOW !

Great idea on the animals, I am going to get started on that, at least until I get hired somewhere :)

Thank you both so much..
Again, I never pay attention to my grammar errors, sorry folks
Your thoughts are the same as mine, Garden. I wouldn't give anyone control over my strings for a piece of property. There is another huge question, Me1000. After the people who now own the property are gone, how would you pay utilities, insurance, maintenance, and taxes without a job? Especially if you had to meet the guidelines laid out for you. It seems that a job is the most important thing in helping resolve your problems.
I know, I was so focused on my kids having a stable home to grow up in, I could never afford to buy one on my own, ever. My grandpa kept saying it too. How lucky to have a house what other grand kids would get one etc. I agree with him! Also, stable for custody issues helps me keep custody.

Thats what Im worried about, the bills, I dont like him paying them now! It should be me! I feel like a free loader although he says Im not because those years I went to school and cared for him. Even with a job, I know I wont get this house unless he puts it under my dads name or mine.

I agree, a job will solve a lot of problems. Im looking again Monday, Great points and thank you JessieBelle!
You were writing at the same time as I was, Me1000. I see you've already considered all the things that I said, so please ignore the last message by me.
No, I am glad you wrote and gave me the advice :) You have also put up with me and all my million questions, most the same and I cant thank you enough! Hugs
Me1000, thanks for the insight into the family situation.

Put bluntly, I think your aunt is jerking you around. This almost sounds sadistic.

Have you applied for Section 8 housing? Even if you had to move to a more populous area, it might be wise as you'd be away from the family and could refocus on your own life.

I'm going to be blunt - you don't need to prove to the relatives that you are a good person. Do you think you are or are not? That's what matters.

It seems to me the relatives have you jumping through hoops, eploiting what they may perceive as low self esteem. which you acknowledge you have. I'm not trying to be critical, but it's time to start building your confidence and move into your own life instead of letting your relatives dominate it.

Good luck; it is hard to pull out of an abusive situation (emotional or physical) but you at least can see the situation for what it is and can stop being the whipping post for these abusive relatives.
Years ago in another era when people actually read books in print, I bought one titled Smart Cookies Don't Crumble, by Sonya Friedman.


Notwithstanding the catchy, cutesy title, the book was a revelation into manipulative, controlling and dominating behavior by men and women alike.

Your description of your relatives' behavior reminded me of the manipulators.

I never finished it; I kept reading the first several chapters over and over.

Friedman explains how people manipulate, in ways that I never realized were manipulation. And apparently recognition is the first step toward moving out of the arena in which it can occur and finding your own strengths.

It can also help you regain the self confidence you need to move out of the emotional prison of being put down repeatedly by others.

Plan your self confidence journey, and don't look back.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support