I'm done

Are you going to remain as her caregiver or find a place for her? Thank you for being honest. It can get to be that way. There is only so much we can take and you have been going through it for a long time.

CW, tell us what happened that is making you feel this way today. (((((((Hugs))))))))

Cwillie,
Early this morning, I saw your avatar. The two bunnies, and I thought, she is going to be okay with that sense of humor. You must have stayed up all night finding that funny chocolate bunny joke. Or, maybe you were up anyway? Sometimes, humor just doesn't help, I know the laughing thru your tears.

Your Mom doesn't know you?
Another UTI?
Does she go in and out of knowing, not knowing?

Unfortunately, it is the times when you are the most burnt out, discouraged, and done that it is time to step up the clinical efforts and be strong.
Even calling in help is being strong, Cwillie.

I woke up in the morning and I thought one step at a time, I can do this. And then she wouldn't stand and I couldn't get her pants off. And I just can't find any compassion for her. I prepare kind words in my head but I spew hatred from my mouth. I can't be a gentle nurse when I just want her to disappear.
I thought my mother was strong and stoical, I discovered she was weak and her aloofness was really just her way of running.
I've quizzed her often - taunted her really - do you know who I am? where you live? what's your name? I've tried to have conversations, but I can't keep talking to a stone.
I though this would teach me compassion, help me find inner strength, be a gift. Instead it had consumed me and left me empty, uncertain there is anything left of me any more.
I'm drowning, and I'm somehow supposed to find the strength to save myself? Admit I've failed, that it was all for nothing?

CW, might it be that mom has had another stroke if she can't stand any longer? Is her mental status altered? As mentioned that could be a UTI.

Is your mom on hospice? Would you consider calling EMS and having her transported to the hospital for evaluation of all those possibilities mentioned above?

And mostly, is there someone who can be there today? It sounds as though you are in a dark place.

No, there's nothing acute happening health wise, just part of the slow, inevitable slide, inch by inch - no, not even that, millimetre by millimetre - into complete disability.

Thank you all. It has helped to write it all down.

Be gentle with yourself, dear one. We are none of us perfect, and your efforts have not been for naught.

It is not too late in the day to do some self-care, shower, wash face, put on some clothes, step outside, eat right.

Still here, Cwillie?

I spent the day on the phone looking for short stay respite beds. 1st choice is full, 2nd choice gov't funded beds have one opening but need to move fast with paperwork to get it. Case manager just left, and I also put her on the wait list for long term care. In the mean time we are rearranging my home care to give me daily help in a.m. and p.m. Typical bureaucratic BS has given me 10:00 in the morning and 6:00 in the afternoon, too late for getting her up and too early to put her down for the night, but we will make it work. She must know something is up, she has been sleeping all day.

Sounds good, like you are doing everything you can.
Gone are the days when the doctor's staff made these calls for you, along with the doctor's recommendations? I don't get it, really, and I don't like it.
The system did the same to Jude, with her Mom.

Maybe, if you sent a note, the doctor could recommend more beneficial hours?

Glad you are getting some help, that was a big, brave step!

Plow right on through that brick wall (your avatar, brick wall).
The mortar looks a little fresh...hmmm, is there anything behind the brick wall? huh? huh?

Mortar is maybe made from yesterday's ashes.
I'm feeling shaky, but have to keep my game face on til after the new caregiver has been and gone.

That was fast, getting the new caregiver to come out!
So, what exactly is the caregiver capable of doing?

I am so happy to hear that the canadians did not join in building "The Wall!

Did you wash up your game face, put on some warrior make-up?

Going soon for hubs-he forgot to clock out at 1:30 p.m., I'm sure....no time for washing my face now.

Be back later....

Today does feel like a new day. Hoping other caregivers are feeling hopeful.

So, everyone is here for you, Cwillie, as you go through this.

You don't have to say, and maybe Canadians are too polite to share their own medical concerns, but have you been checked up? Do you have any conditions to watch out for?

With permanent placement today for your Mom, there will be some more time for you, hopefully.

How far is the new home for Mom?

Did I mention caregiving had consumed me? Having time for me means time to do... what? I have no spouse, kids, job. Sad to say that now that mom's money is directed elsewhere I have no income either. My health is fine, or I choose to believe it is because I have no plans to go to the doctor for a check up..... f that.
The nursing home is in the next town, only 15 - 20 minutes away. It was easy to get in because it is the oldest and least desirable. Oh god. But mom can't see and mostly can't hear so she only cares that the bed is comfortable and she is warm, and the aides are gentle and kind.

Not in so many words you didn't mention it. Caregiving consumes us, if not in physical labor, then constant focus on another human. So, you went, you saw, did you come home?
The other issues will have to be addressed. Can you take the weekend? Home?
I don't know much about guilt. It is said often, by the ignorant, don't cry, don't feel...guilt. But I wish it was okay just to say to you, (in my ignorance), please no guilt for you. If those feelings creep over you, feel it briefly, and know you have no reason for guilt, you did not fail, that portion of your j o b was completed bravely. Now, it is changed. You will bounce back, and shine!
Where are your running shoes?

Cwillie

I cried for a week when I placed mom at the hotel California last year and I still have guilt

You hung in above and beyond

So scream cry eat ice cream stay up all night sleep all day but please don't go for any walks in the middle of the night

Give it enough time but then put your game face back on

Keep Talking to us this weekend

Just wanted to touch base and see how you are feeling. You are carrying such an incredibly huge load on your shoulders.
Never forget that you have many walking right beside you ready to hold you up when you grow weary.
Though I am likely stating the obvious, try to remember that your Mum has done nothing to grbring on any of the issues you are struggling with, including not knowing who you are. Your seeming resentment is growing out of sheer mental, emotional and physical exhaustion. You are possibly wondering how much longer your Mum might live, meaning how much longer you might be her caregiver. Is there any opportunity for extended respite time, whether that means her going to a facility or carers staying with her at home while you go out or away? It is terrible to think of your gesture of love becoming tainted by bitterness and resentment. I hope you are able to take action and implement changes before the feelings you are experiencing now set in as permanent.
Remember that you always have choices and options. Depending on where you live, there are organisations, programs and facilities available, not to mention resources like web sites that will provide information on services and treatments available to enhance both your life and the life of your Mum. You made the decision to take care of her years ago. Now you need to ensure that you include a system to take care of yourself as well.
Take very gentle loving care of yourself.
I wish you peace and happiness in all you do. With gratitude and grace

Hang in there, CWillie....we're here for you. This will be a tough transition, but you'll make it.

I am confused. I do not see anywhere that cwillie's mom has been permanently placed or that people came for her. Did I miss something, Send? Did someone jump to a conclusion? I know cwillie needs a break, but all I have read is respite.

Glad, it's on the whine thread.

Gladimhere,
Cwillie said this:

cwillie
2 days ago
Today is D day, the wheelchair van is arriving to pick up mom at 10:30 to transport her to her new home. What began as a respite stay has shockingly progressed to the offer of a permanent bed. (If you live in Ontario Canada you will understand that getting placement in long term care in under a week is unheard of). My social worker cousin pointed out that no matter what our hopes and plans may be life is not under our control. Maybe that is the life lesson I was destined to learn from all this, and it sucks.

Cwillie,
Hope you are okay.

Cwillie,

Thinking of you, we all care and hope your stress has lightened up a bit...let yourself have a good, loud, ugly cry to let it all out. (great stress reliever for me)...maybe you gave something that works better)

You have many shoulders to lean on, ears to just listen, and bunches of hearts here that care for you.

Sending you peace and hugs,
Bella

Thank you, BB and Send.  I have found it now. 

CW, thinking of YOU and mom. May this be as easy a transition as possible. Be there for your mom as much as you are able. Do not feel you HAVE to. Do what is best for YOU! I do not see my mom often. Six times in two years. Course there was the year I was 450 miles away. One visit visitors were not permitted because of an intestinal bug had them on quarantine.

I am now about 90 miles away, have been for about three months. Have not seen mom yet. I was fighting flu and sinus stuff for about six weeks of that. Still have a bit of a cough. To tell the truth, it is now the twisteds responsibility and after all that has happened with those two crazies, I do not want to risk even running into either of them. Triggers so much anger  that is not good for me.

CW thinking of you.

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and words. I actually slept til daylight this morning, if that robin hadn't started singing outside my window it might have been even longer, so I'm feeling a little more resilient. I am one of those people who tries to keep life under tight control (futile, I know) so giving that up is hard. On the plus side, once I do make a choice I'm pretty good at not second guessing, and I know in my head that this had to be.
The nursing home wing of the facility is very old, it must be a nightmare to work there. (Sorry to FF if she reads here, but her cheery admonitions that facilities aren't dismal like they were back in the 50's makes me grind my teeth, sometimes they are). Residents, 90% of whom are in wheelchairs, must be escorted by 2's (max capacity) down an elevator for meals and then back again to their rooms, a process that must take up the better part of the day. Sis and I stopped in before lunch yesterday and walked right past mom, who was already in the long queue waiting their turn. It was nice to have sis there for support, but on the other hand she interfered with my plans to quietly observe. I'm concerned that mom isn't able to get her fluids at meals - setting thickened water, milk (she hates milk) and coffee (black, no sugar, it's not as though she can add her own) out of reach on the table. Well, there's lots of time to sort out that, and they manage to keep residents even worse off than mom alive so I'm sure it will be managed. Everyone seemed to be tucked back in bed after lunch, which also concerns me, but mom was obviously exhausted and needed to sleep. There really is no space to leave them in their chairs, the rooms are cramped and the lounges, although charming and welcoming, could not accommodate more than a few wheelchairs. Today I plan to visit mid afternoon.