I'm just at the end of my rope.
I'm just at the end of my rope here. I guess I just need a place to vent.
I'm 19, and my mother is 51. She was diagnosed with stage 4 BC a few years back, and it's progressed dramatically, spreading to her brain and her spine. She can no longer walk, relying on a wheelchair.
I, as her only child, left school to be with her and take care of her. I never knew it would be this bad. Keeping up with the housework, taking care of the dogs, yardwork, cooking, errands, driving six hours to and from her doctor appointments, getting my mother anything she needs, and trying to keep myself together. I can never do enough.
I hardly have a social life. My friends no longer call or text because they know I can't go out. I hardly sleep due to the stress and my mom waking up throughout the night every night. I've gained over 50 pounds in the past 3 months. My relationship with my boyfriend is extremely strained because he lives about an hour and a half away. He's basically the only one I have left, and I'm probably going to have to give him up.
I can't help what I feel. I know I feel resentment towards her for having this dramatic life change. Not to mention I recently found out I've been lied to half my life, finding out I'm adopted. I know it's not her fault and she can't help anything, but I can't help what I feel.
Every few seconds she's asking me to do something. Then, the second I sit down, she asks for something else. Half the time I can't even take a shower without it being interrupted.
I try my best to keep it all together, but there are some days where I just don't want to do anything, and apparently that makes me a terrible, lazy person. If dishes get left or laundry doesn't get done, I'm told to "get my head out of my ***." If my mom doesn't have things her way, she yells. If I want to go sit in my room, she cries because she doesn't want to be alone.
She's so rude when she tells me to do things. I know I should just let it go in one ear and out the other, but it's easier said than done. This probably sounds bad, but f I was dying, I'd be a lot nicer to people instead of constantly trying to start an argument with me.
My grandma, who takes care of my aunt who's a paraplegic, comes over every once in a while, but it's always to gang up on me to tell me I'm not doing enough, or to give me more work to do and think about. My grandma is constantly verbally abusing me, and has convinced my mother that if anything happens, everything will go to my grandma. She truly is the meanest, witchiest person I have ever met in my entire life, and if anything happens to my mother, I plan on cutting ties with her. She acts as if my mother is at her house every other day, when in reality she's hardly over there once a week.
I'm literally the only person who can take care of her. My parents are divorced, my grandma is old, we have no living relatives, and my mother's medicaid section that she's under doesn't offer outside help, and she refuses to change it because it will mess up her insurance and we need it desperately.
My mother starts arguments with me, saying I'm extremely hateful and saying "Oh, don't worry, I'll be dead soon so you won't have to deal with me." I try to explain to her that I'm trying my best. I'm only 19 years old, and this is a lot of responsibility for one person to handle.
I explained to her that not having a life and lack of sleep is draining me. Her only response is "I have cancer. I'm going to die. Your problems can't even compare, so shut up." I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat. I'd give anything for it to be me instead. Just because my problems aren't as severe as yours means they're not important? How am I suppose to take care of her if I'm not in a healthy mental and physical state?
Every day I feel worse and worse. I'm drowning, and there's nobody there to throw me a rope. Half the time I go to bed at night praying that I won't wake up. If this is what life is, then I don't want it.
I know I could never off myself. I couldn't do it. But I'm just so tired of life. I don't want to deal with anything anymore.
I can't send my mother to a nursing home. She's too young, and I would never forgive myself.
This is all a nightmare, and in the end of this h*ll we're going through, my mother dies. She doesn't get to see me graduate college, help me pick out my wedding dress, get married, or have grand kids. I no longer have someone to rely on, someone who believes in me 100%, a best friend.
I feel like such a s**t person for getting so irritated with her and constantly having attitude. I know I'm going to regret all the arguing with her when she's gone, and I'm going to hate myself for it, but it doesn't change anything now. I just don't know what to do. I'm losing my mind.
I know this post isn't a question, but I just needed to get it out somewhere. If you read all of this, thank you for listening to my rant. I hope you all had a wonderful memorial weekend.