If it's not one thing, it's another.

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Back again--those of you who remember me talking about my mother's upcoming (and unnecessary!) hip surgery--
well, she saw her GP on Monday and he said no way she could handle the surgery and he wouldn't sign off on it--ever---Mother was angry, but what could she do? She cancelled it. AND, get this, she's blaming ME for "getting in the way". WTH? I don't even KNOW her GP, and it would never have occurred to me to step in. (I have an almost 100% positive feeling that my sister found a way to get the surgery derailed. SHE called the dr! She works within the healthcare system and knows everybody she'd need to call.) I'm glad she did it, but why am I taking the blame? I just got back from checking in with mother and she was so vague and wandery...she acted like she was glad the surgery had been cancelled, but said "Oh, I am having it next year. We just decided I was too stressed out this year. My hip is terrible and I am in such pain". The she proceeded to tell me how she had called my daughter all day long to get my son's current address. I asked her, very kindly, why didn't she call me? I have my kids' addresses and my son just moved so his sister doesn't KNOW his address. Mother hemmed and hawed and said she'd TRIED to call me, but something wouldn't work, or her phone was acting up, this is utter BS, I am the 3rd number programmed in her phone. She literally has to hit #3 and my phone will ring. (I've had the same number for 36 years, but she's never bothered to learn it) She wanted to go eat her dinner (it was 3:45 after all) so I got the message and left. I wonder if I should just have a sit down with her and let her know that her behavior towards me is HURTFUL. She has no problem asking me to organize family reunions, clean her house, whatever--but then she treats me like I don't exist. It's not worse than it's been the last 59 years, I'm just so tired of this dynamic. I KNOW I am not the favorite child, but is it too late to just step off and let her go? She very obviously doesn't want me in her life, I do what I do primarily to ease the burden on my brother as my sibs all take a very distant approach. Would it even ring a bell with her at this stage? I should probably talk to my brother and see what he thinks. Maybe I will take the rest of the summer off and just not go see her. She quite obviously does NOT like me to visit---shoot, mothers can screw you up if you're 9 or 59. It hurts to be "not the favorite"....or not even in the "liked" column.
Many years ago I tried an experiment to see if I was totally crazy. At Christmas,, I decided that I would not initiate any contact with Mother at all--just to see how long before SHE did. 11 months. She called me at Thanksgiving to see if I would bring a dessert to the family Christmas party. And we lived 12 miles apart. I was so upset I didn't even say anything but "yep, no problem". She was about 2 years younger then than I am now. So--yeah, it's nothing new.
Not expecting any amazing insights--just venting. And, I think, truly realizing that my mother has never cared for me and never will. Her slow slide into dementia is going to make that all worse as the filters come down......feeling bluesy blue.


Well, this is no consolation whatsoever....but....you are not alone in the "no good deed goes unpunished" club! Hang in there....it is common ground for the kid that does the most is the villain. Concentrate on some summer activity that makes YOU feel good.
After a half day of a pity party and a long visit with my own daughter--yep, I am going to take a vacay from mother. She's beginning to slide into total old age with all the accompanying annoy-ments. I have been able to let a lot roll off my back, but I'm done. I'm still rehabbing a major back surgery from Jan. and now a foot surgery (that has left me far more incapacitated than the back did!) My foot surgeon told me yesterday that I would not be hiking or even walking "normally" until September. And I am worried about Mother. She never asked if I was OK, and I'm wearing this huge boot on my foot. So very, very typical. I will talk to my brother, since mother is NOT having surgery, he will have a truly difficult summer. (BTW, when she dies, all us sibs are giving our
"inheritances" to this brother. Least we can do.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry your mom is so unloving and difficult. You sound like a wonderful daughter and you in no way deserve the treatment you're receiving. It's your mom's loss that she's too mean/self-centered/narcissistic to see it. I hope you've had counseling to help you accept and grieve the loss of the idea of having a loving mom.

I would hug you if I could. You deserve lots of love and praise for being the good person you are!
Blannie--after just venting and talking to my sweet daughter last night (mostly about whether or not I was that kind of mother to her and her sibs) I do feel better.
SHE isn't changing. I can.

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