I was wanting compassion from a friend about my Mom but instead she shared how her Mom was way worse before she died.

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It made me feel put down, like I was complaining and like my mom was doing pretty well in comparison and why wasn't I just rejoicing. I am needing your perspective on this as, in my viewpoint, my 95 yr. mom is definitely going through stages of going downhill and yes, I realize my mom isn't bed-bound as my mom's friend was, but I was just wanting to talk to a friend as it gets kinda lonely and scary for me at times. At this point, I'm just feeling hurt and like I don't want to share with this friend anymore.


I am sorry that your mother is declining, and I am sorry that your friend was not more compassionate.

Some people don't seem to be able to resist turning conversations into competitions. If your mother is sick, their mother was sicker. If you just got over a case of the flu, the one they had in 2007 was way worse. If you are looking forward to a flight they tell you about they went on that was farther and more glamorous.

If this friend has other fine characteristics and is a joy in other ways, you may just have to accept her as she is. But definitely she is not the one to go to when you need a sympathetic ear. I hope you have other friends with more sensitivity.

Also, come here talk to us!
I would have said the same thing, only in a different way. It is my way of saying "I have first hand experience and I understand." Your friend is grieving, too.

She might be saying "Cadams called to talk about her mom. She doesn't understand what I went through." Try her again.
Not everybody is like your friend but a lot of people are. It is not that she may not care but she may lack good listening skills. Cut her some slack . She may have been waiting a long time to share her troubles with someone.
I sometimes do that as well, not for competition or not caring, but to let the person/friend know I have been through something similar and I understand. I have answered here that way but just to let the person know, I really really get it and understand what they are going through. As if they are telling my story at times, I also just "break down" at times and may go on about "me".( I feel bad if I say to much of course. )Then, I drop it about me until or if it comes up again.

I also agree with the above posts, it could be listening skills or her just saying in her own way," yes your lucky in a way because your mom is still with you " but maybe she wasn't being non caring. Talk with her again, let her know how you both can help each other and you both need each other to talk with. Let her know that overall, you both are going through something hard no matter how it happened. And both of you talk about some good memories as well.

Im really sorry about your moms health getting worse. Your in my thoughts ..hugs.
I would avoid throwing people out your life for minor character flaws. All of us on planet earth are human and come with flaws. Yet, you should have your needs taken into consideMration . Tell your friend I just need to talk to you and have you listen. Next time your friend will know your expectations. Let her know you are here for her also and if she ever needs a shoulder to talk about her feelings you ard here also. Sometimes though we are going through such an ordeal that we need something more to help us deal with our feelings . There are support groups for adult caregivers in the community. Also as was mentioned this forum is a great place to come for ongoing support. I know your challenges are many. May you find continual strength on a daily basis.
i interpreted your friend's comments totally differently.

my immediate reaction was you friend was trying to comfort you by telling you your loved one has a long way to go before leaving this world.

i would go back and try again, several times, make absolutely sure friend is being malicious before you throw them under a bus, it takes a long time to find a good friend.
Yes, I understand what you all are saying. To clarify, I listened MUCH to this friend for the past year when it was most intense with her grieving. I just figured now it was my turn, but I guess she didn't see it that way and that is where my hurt is from. In no way am I considering throwing her out of my life, but I find it better wisdom in the future to limit any sharing of my own grieving with her. I will look for others..... Thanks.
we're fortunate if we end up with one or two close friends who we can talk to, that's been my experience. i try to talk to my mom, have always been close to her in that regard, but with her dementia i might as well be talking to the walls.

i'm down to one, maybe two i call when the going gets tough, and even they are turning out to be always busy busy. a constant challenge to find people we can trust and count on, there aren't many in this world.
Cadams you always have us.. We're listening..
Cadams, wasn't she advising you to count your (or your mother's) blessings? I can see her point, but perhaps she needs to learn that this is among the MOST annoying and unsatisfactory counsels ever created when what we want is a hug and a "poor you, it's dreadful."

There are always blessings to count, there is always someone less fortunate than yourself, or your loved one. Those things are true. But that does not mean that you are not allowed to feel very sorry for yourself, and very anxious about your mother. Big hug xxx

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