I was wanting compassion from a friend about my Mom but instead she shared how her Mom was way worse before she died.

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It made me feel put down, like I was complaining and like my mom was doing pretty well in comparison and why wasn't I just rejoicing. I am needing your perspective on this as, in my viewpoint, my 95 yr. mom is definitely going through stages of going downhill and yes, I realize my mom isn't bed-bound as my mom's friend was, but I was just wanting to talk to a friend as it gets kinda lonely and scary for me at times. At this point, I'm just feeling hurt and like I don't want to share with this friend anymore.

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Countrymouse, men would make terrible women with all the medical test that we have to go through, some yearly testing starting as early as 13 or 14, and never ending.
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FF, I've sometimes wondered idly about the differences in approach to breast v. testicular cancer. I've noticed, for example, that nobody suggests they might like to put their dangly bits in a metal sandwich and have them squashed flat. On the other hand, nobody thinks that the idea of prosthetics for breast cancer sufferers is great material for comedy, either…

In sickness (his) and health (yours) eh? I'm glad you still love him really :)
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Cadams, I can relate to that. My significant other is just like that.... back when I had breast cancer he would chime in saying how much worse it is to have prostate cancer.... GRRRRR!!!..... I wanted to get a bull horn and yell into it "please listen to me, I just want a kind shoulder to lean on".

If I had a back ache, his back ache was worse. If the weather is hot and I feel very warm, he will say he feels hotter to a point where he feels like passing out [he just said this 10 minutes ago]. And don't get me started on the common cold. But that is just one flaw in his personality, he doesn't know how to communicate. He's big on sports, so everything is completion in his world. He's still worth keeping around :)
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I understand Cadams.Thanks for clarifying more of how you feel. If she is still grieving her mother she cannot be there for you. Everything you say about your mother will trigger some emotional response from her about her mother. You two are both going through tough times at the same time. You appear to be a bit stronger because in the past you were able to set your grief aside and listen. I know your mom is still alive but you have to miss the person she once was. Sometimes two people going through grief and pain cannot always meet each other needs at the same time. Meanwhile, am glad you have others you can talk to.
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cadams,

I understand where you're coming from. And like some of the others said, some people have to "one up" when having a conversation. Now you know that if you need to talk this person may not be the best person to turn to for a compassionate ear or a shoulder to cry on.

But we're here!!!!
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Cadams, wasn't she advising you to count your (or your mother's) blessings? I can see her point, but perhaps she needs to learn that this is among the MOST annoying and unsatisfactory counsels ever created when what we want is a hug and a "poor you, it's dreadful."

There are always blessings to count, there is always someone less fortunate than yourself, or your loved one. Those things are true. But that does not mean that you are not allowed to feel very sorry for yourself, and very anxious about your mother. Big hug xxx
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Cadams you always have us.. We're listening..
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Yes, I understand what you all are saying. To clarify, I listened MUCH to this friend for the past year when it was most intense with her grieving. I just figured now it was my turn, but I guess she didn't see it that way and that is where my hurt is from. In no way am I considering throwing her out of my life, but I find it better wisdom in the future to limit any sharing of my own grieving with her. I will look for others..... Thanks.
cadams
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I would avoid throwing people out your life for minor character flaws. All of us on planet earth are human and come with flaws. Yet, you should have your needs taken into consideMration . Tell your friend I just need to talk to you and have you listen. Next time your friend will know your expectations. Let her know you are here for her also and if she ever needs a shoulder to talk about her feelings you ard here also. Sometimes though we are going through such an ordeal that we need something more to help us deal with our feelings . There are support groups for adult caregivers in the community. Also as was mentioned this forum is a great place to come for ongoing support. I know your challenges are many. May you find continual strength on a daily basis.
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I sometimes do that as well, not for competition or not caring, but to let the person/friend know I have been through something similar and I understand. I have answered here that way but just to let the person know, I really really get it and understand what they are going through. As if they are telling my story at times, I also just "break down" at times and may go on about "me".( I feel bad if I say to much of course. )Then, I drop it about me until or if it comes up again.

I also agree with the above posts, it could be listening skills or her just saying in her own way," yes your lucky in a way because your mom is still with you " but maybe she wasn't being non caring. Talk with her again, let her know how you both can help each other and you both need each other to talk with. Let her know that overall, you both are going through something hard no matter how it happened. And both of you talk about some good memories as well.

Im really sorry about your moms health getting worse. Your in my thoughts ..hugs.
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