My Mom (87) moved in with me. I resent her being here.
In late June, my mother asked to move in with me. I only have a 1 bedroom ranch home. She lived alone in an apartment at that time and was not taking care of herself. She wore the same underpants and socks for god knows how long. She wasn't taking her blood pressure medicine. I felt sorry for her and let her move in. I regret my decision. I never liked my mother much and I resent her. When I was a child, we moved in with my grandmother, great aunt and great uncle since my mom decided she had enough of my philandering father. I was molested by the great uncle and after years of being afraid to tell my mom about it, when I finally did tell her, nothing was done. We still continued to live there and the great uncle continued to harass me. I left that h*ll hole as soon as I graduated high school and got a job. I never felt close to my mother, I never told her anything that was going on with me. I never could stand being in her company over the years and only kept contact because I felt guilty. I would feel great anxiety and dread being in her company or even talking on the phone with her. Right at this moment my mother is eating once again and I hear her chewing and I want to kill her. I turned up the radio volume so I don't have to hear her chewing. My home is only 600 square feet and there is no safe place away from her unless I go into my basement. I am holding back the tears now since I feel so sad. I am already on an antidepressant, have been for about 2 years. I have an appointment with my psych. this week and will be starting therapy (once again) with a licensed social worker. I am hopeful that I can be helped. I want all of you who read this to know that even though I want to kill my mother, I will not really do it. I would not want to go to prison and if I did feel my mother was in danger, I would definitely get her out of here. I know that the best thing for me is that she should go to some assisted living place to live. She has short term memory loss and she acts helpless so she can't live on her own anymore. I have a hard time getting her to take a shower. It has been about 1 week now and she has been wearing the same underpants. She sleeps in the same clothes that she wears in the house. I have been able to give her clean socks since she does take them off to sleep. When I tell her it is time to take a shower or change her underwear she cries. I do not clean her dirty poop stained underwear anymore. I throw them out and she gets a brand new pair to wear. She did not want to go to the doctor so I lied to her and told her the doctor called on the phone and said he wanted her to come in. When we were there, she was acting like everything was fine. I secretly gave him a note telling him what was going on so she now has a script for an antidepressant. I will be giving her it for the first time today. She even was walking better in front of him. At home here she shuffles slowly and I hear over and over again 'Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!'. I also hear 'It's so cold, It's so cold" but yet she gives me a hard time about putting warmer clothes on. I feel hatred for her. I find that I am feeling better just writing about all this. There is so much more for me to say but I am done for now.