I was fine for about 3 years but never expected it to go on this long.
It's been 11 1/2 very long years, taking care of my mother who is fairly good health. She has never taken care of herself because my dad did everything for her. He passed away in 2003. At 87 she's not going to change. She still speaks her native language (canadian) despite the fact that's she's lived in this country since she was 16. She can't change! She won't even order at the restaurant, she makes me do it for her. She can't stay home even one day without freaking out so I take her out everyday. I'm so tired and now I take her to the closest place and bring her back as soon as possible. She lives with me in an attached MIL apt. She's dramatic and so I'm become desensitized to some of her concerns. She would have me do even more for if I was willing but I'm not. Not at this point. I just don't know how I'm going to survive the next 5,10 or more years. I really think caregiving has a life expectancy before the caregiver no longer cares. I was fine for 3 years, 5 years I had my days, 10 years I had more days. Now everyday is a bad day and I dread coming home. I want to be there when she really needs me but I'm afraid I'm going to have nothing left by then. I no longer have the courage to clean my house, change my bed, or take pride in way I look, all of which were so important to me. Life is an everyday struggle and the worst hasn't even begun yet. She brags to her sisters (who are alone and/or in assisted living) how I do everything for her and that their kids do nothing for them. She's a little mean and I don't like that. When I tell her she shouldn't say those things she responds "well it's true". The truth is maybe her sisters do not want to be a burden on their kids as long as they're able to manage. I want to be her end of life caregiver but not her personal aide until then. This is what my father did his whole life. May he rest in peace now. No need to reply. I just really need to vent.