I am venting...again! I might give in to 24 hr care.

Started by

Well, I just posted yesterday I need more time with my kids and dad and look for a job. But my grandpa all night last night and this morning kept sarcastically saying" Oh Ill see you whenever, tomorrow for a few minutes" And your down here 20 minutes and leave and go back there.( Home or errands) "I never see you anymore" Do what you did before and just not be here" "I know, you ALWAYS have "running" to do or something to do at the other place" Im ok alone all the time been that way for years. No difference....ARGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

For years, after he went blind we offered to take turns spending nights to help him and always helped on and off during the day. He always said no to nights. One day we got into a huge fight and he told me never to go in his house or speak with him again.. a year later, somehow, we talked again and I cared for him once again. ( years ago this happened- my dad/morning caretaker and neighbors took care of him then)

Anyways, fast forward to one of his caretakers quitting and he TOLD me I was to take over mornings. Well knowing I had kids, and looking for a job, I told him it would be early to fix his breakfast and pills, and cleaning I will continue during the day. He demanded it be as they left for school or right after they got there but at that time ( 8am) I had to look for a job and be back at his house by 10:30am to start lunch to have ready by 11am so I wouldn't be able to basically leave. He ended up with a virus of sorts and went to the E.R. So the first week a little more my dad stayed and thereafter it was me permanently( we were suppose to take turns) because they fought and my dad was to ill and couldn't lift him. For a while I was there 18- 20 hours a day... never mind I had kids... I slowly quit that over time and am back to why I asked about help/idea/ common sense I don't seem to have about a schedule to care for everyone.

I asked him what are you going to do when Im working all day and not here? It will be the same .. well actually worse cause I wont be here for lunch and depending when I get of work .. hours will change. He said" Whats the difference and no hes not hiring anyone" arggh again!!!!! Also, my kids start school again soon and my dad cant handle getting both of them going ( they both are extremely hard to get going ) and my grandfather is mad Im leaving for a few to take care of the dogs at 5am, try to wake my kids up ( remember mainly daughter stays with my dad at my home where Im suppose to be! ) be back by 5:30am to care for grandpa, clean cook and leave again by 6:20 ish to have breakfast ready and the kids eat in 15 minutes because we have to leave for school by 6:45am ( one school is across town) and my grandpa is blowing! He says come back after, I cant! I have to look for a job, Im going back to school( want to) !! What if I get hired at night to start with? Im desperate for a job, my kids can stay with my dad or in an emergency their Godmother...but here we go with my Aunt saying I HAVE TO stay with grandpa! If thats the time I get,I need to or Im going to be homeless!

Whats the deal with the house we live in you ask? Even if I pay, my Aunt is making it impossible for us to live here with her rules to follow after he dies. The house was supposed to be willed to me but with her "in care of and under her rules "she made and my grandfather claims he doesn't remember signing that part of the rules!!! Basically no matter what happens she will end up with the house!!! I am not trying to be greedy but I have gave up so much of my life to help him( house or no house I love grandpa and my family) and jump through hoops to have a place for my kids and dad. Grandfather offered house to me, I was shocked and accepted, all these years have been hoops and now its insane.

Sorry soooo long.. I understand if no one reads this I just had to vent before my grandfather and I argued again!!!

3 Comments

I know you feel guilty about grandpa, but it will be much healthier for him and for you if he goes someplace with three shifts of care givers. You are not superhuman!!! And the house promise? Never believe those kinds of promises, because if they go into a nursing home, Medicaid gets the house. The only way they won't take it is if your disabled father is living there. They will allow him to live there, he just won't own the house.
Me1000, what your grandfather is asking of you is not reasonable. It sounds like he is in survival mode, with the extreme narcissism that can go along with it. It sounds like he uses criticism and implications of poor character to control. Don't let those words sink in, because they aren't true. You can help him, but you and your children are first priority. Your grandfather's life on earth is mostly behind him, but your children need a good platform to launch. I know you know that already. Don't let critical words shift your priority from your children to your grandfather. They need money for food, clothes, education, etc. They need their mother there for them. There are too many other options for your grandfather to let him disrupt your and your children's life. So get out there and find that job!
pamstegman, I know your right about the 3 shifts ...but.. well, there's that but! Luckily my grandfather is Retired Military so he has Tricare for Life and Medicare, and they take from his retirement check ( the whole check). He was there at the VA home before for a "rehab" after he went blind. I will double check though about the pricing and coverage in case he goes back in.

JessieBelle, survival mode hes been in since I was a litle girl, same when my dad was growing up according to my dad. But I do think he has gotten worse! But I see your point. In my heart and head I know my kids need me first, am one of those people who take the blames even when its not my fault, try to please everyone at the same time type of person. I try ( try) never to upset anyone although I do, and unfortunately made many mistakes throughout the years even while trying not to.



Thank you both :)

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support