I'm ready to say good-bye to my mother.

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I'm ready to say good-bye to my mother. She lives on the east coast---me on the west. I have only one other sibling ---who is no help at all (and more of a threat to her). My parents and I have been close all of our lives. We've done alot for them over the years, trips, etc. and they've always appreciated it.My Dad passed away in '96. Since then, my mother asked my husband and I to have her house put in our name---"so the government wouldn't someday get it". We kept saying no---because in our business---we had to put all we owned on the line all the time. In 02, my mother had to be hospitalized, almost died, and discovered that she had emphysema. I, of course, flew back and was by her side through it all and left after 10 days and it was clear she would be okay. We took one of our children and their kids back to visit about 6 weeks later. We rented a camp--so as not to put her out and had her stay with us. We also decided to go ahead and put the house in our name and give her life lease and also credit for the value of the house. (value---very small--about 43,000.) We helped her buy a newer car with some of that, and updated the furnace, roof, stairs, and other items that needed tending. We began paying for the taxes, ins. etc. We have always done things for her---like buying her a new computer----spending hours and hours explaining over and over how to open her email.(I thought this would be good for her mind and we could send pictures often, etc.) We pay for her internet hook-up, I buy her vitamins all the time---as she won't see a Dr. (they are all evil and only after your money)and it's the only thing she will consider to do that might help her. I also have her on our cell phone plan---to take with her when she drives---in case of an emergency. I bought her the help line to wear around her neck.---- 3 years ago---we helped her update her will. She had been complaining that she never finished the simple one that she had done just after my Dad passed away. So---when we go back to visit, we have her write up a list with all the things that we can do to help her around the house and spend a few days doing it (then we try to go to a camp to enjoy one another and are able to have other family come to visit too. My husband and our kids love being on a lake). So, we decided this time---we'd help her take care of her will. I looked into the internet and saw that we could do one there for about 30.00. I sat her down beside me for every question------and got her answers. If she wasn't sure, I would suggest something simple--- she would say okay. Basically, she always wanted whatever was left to be divided up evenly with my brother and I, with me taking care of things. Very simple. (When we transferred the house, after her withdrawal amounts were paid back all would be divided up evenly---was written in that document.) Dealing with her over these past few years---has slowly become a living nightmare!!!! She says that was all my husbands idea to have the house transferred and that she wants the papers back to her original deed. She says it's her house. Then she will say--it be coming back to her anyway in '09. ??? What she repeatedly says makes no sense---like well, if you bought my house---where's my money? then we'll explain about the car, repairs, etc. and she'll say " all you ever talk about is money! I'll send you the d--- money". I could go on and on---with the craziness!!! The will----she knew nothing about and says we did that will how we wanted to and stole papers from her file!! My husband opened her small file box (because she had misplaced her keys)and handed it to her. She swears that he went through it and stole some papers!! As we say---why would we? and that of course we didn't ever take any papers! She is absolutely convinced that he did it! My mother knows that we have always been upright, honest people----but has turned her opinion around that we are thieves and liars! This is soooo hurtful! She contacted her original attorney for a copy of her old unfinished will after I gave her a copy of what she gave me. She first said how did you get my will---I never gave it to you (which she did) I told her maybe she would be convinced when the attorney sent her a copy of exactly what I gave her. When he did---she said that was not the will that she did and then called him (and accused him of I don't know what!!) and asked if he was on the internet. He said yes, his firm was. So---now she thinks that he and I were in cahoots and forged her signature on the old will! I'm not sure why we would even do that! It is all so crazy!!!! I have developed severe stomach attacks from the stress of all of this --that puts me down for a couple of weeks at a time! My husband and I have been planning to go back again this fall and help her out---and try to do some enjoyable things with her. She says no----that she's not comfortable with us. She seems to be okay for part of our conversation---but it always comes back to her wanting her papers back that we stole. About 6 months ago---she called to say she found some of the papers she had accused us of taking. I said---so Mom, you realize that we never took them, right? she said --oh, well you put them back in the box. I said when? we live 3000 miles away! she said---oh when you were here last. None of it lines up or makes any sense. We have been called money-hungry, lovers of and controlled by Satan! I really am finished! (I can't begin to tell you the hurtful things she says to me. I think that's how she gets back at me---by trying to say something to hurt me.) My question---after all of that... Do we just transfer the house back in her name and let what will happen ---happen? I don't think that will make her happy either. She seems to find fault with any way that we try to help her. She actually complains about everything....like "not one soul called me today---nobody cares about me. Or---so and so called and talked for over an hour! I couldn't wait to get them off of the phone! They are such greedy, proud people!" (Always something negative)I have overlooked things and forgiven her time and time again---but don't think I can take it anymore. I typically call her every few days and tell her to call me if she ever needs anything! (She has a lot of confusion with things) I want to help my mother and help make her last years happier---but I don't think it's possible. Her health is not very good. Since she refuses to see a Dr., we're not sure about some things. We know she has emphysema---but her oxygen level is above the point needing oxygen (I bought her an at-home oxometer) She has no feeling in her feet, and is exhausted and out of breath from doing very simple things. She does still have her license and gets out 2 or 3 times a week (except during the winter).(At night---she says she's okay as long as she can follow someones tail-lights!! scary!)She's only 78---and could probably live much longer if she would see a Dr. It may be her circulation clogged or her heart. But who know? We've gone round and round about Drs. to the point where I've given up. Totally exasperated---I hung up the phone today telling her I never want to be in touch again......I feel I've lost my mother. She brings me (basically a very patient person)---to the point of craziness and it's taken its toll! I don't think I can handle things with her anymore. Any help or suggestions???
PS. I have her all lined up to get help (housework,etc) with a state organization---but again---she just won't do it or let me make the call! (She'd rather complain!)I don't think she wants anything to be my idea...Perhaps, if I'm out of her life---she'll have to rely on these other organizations----even if it takes her being admitted to the emergency room.

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Yeah, Secret Sis, I know ALL about it. Read about narcissisium and you will find my and your mom, even tho there are a few things that don't match, most will. My mother is in real kind words "a bitch" and she does not care about anybody but herself and will do and say anything to have her way. I really regret falling for her begging in the nursing home, please, please, come get me, Im going to die here. Truth is, she would have, and I work there, am weekend house supervisor. I know all about the crap they have to do. She fell and broke her tailbone and that is why she was there. She could not walk. I put her there for therapy to get back walking and go back to her apt. Well, then she went nuts on some meds for pain and they deamed her incompetent and told me she could not go home alone. I moved out her apt to my home and brought her here. Dear God what a mistake. Now she is able to go back to her apt and I lost it. I am working on getting her another one but it is going to be 7 weeks and I don't think I can stand it that long.
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2old, I hear you, and understand what you're saying. I have a self-serving mother who's tried to not only twist, but hang me from the gallows, using the system against me. She is bent on evil, and I was just the kid trying to help. Since she's been evil all my life, I did NOT move her in, (especially since people on this site warned me not to). It wasn't an option, and now I'm so glad I trusted my instincts on that. People like this take advantage of their offspring, the system, and anyone else who they can devour. Evil is rampant, but its especially difficult when it exists and is used against one by their own mother. I was stupid enough to think I could help. Am I am being sorely punished for it. Just trying to disentangle intact and cut my losses. I'm trying to get free from the lair and let mom focus on devouring the next victim.
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If your mother has dementia and cannot pass the cognitive test (MMSE) then you can become her health care proxy and then she will not have any say so in her health care . Of course she will need to be hospitalized for 3 days and nights and you can put her in a nursing home. Dementia is a cruel thing and it effects the kids more than the parents. A doctor will give her this test and deem her incompetent to make her own decisions, and I know "She is the Mother" but now you are whether it seems right or wrong. I am a registered nurse that supervises nursing homes and I was stupid enough to bring my dominating mother to my home and she has ruined my life. So get yourself some REAL help. Forget about the house. She will twist your mind until you loose it.
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I have had a battle with my mother about oxygen---since she found out she had emphysema in 02. Not believing in Drs.---I bought her an oxonometer (SP) so she can check her levels at home. When she does remember to do so----her levels do seem to be just above 90--maybe up to 94. A couple of readings recently have been 89. I'm told they recommend oxygen once it is below 90. My mother has seen a few friends die and because they were on oxygen non-stop during their last remaining months---she thinks that is what they died from!!! I do need to remind her to check it again as her confusion and memory seem to be worse.
I do have a praise though! She has finally allowed me to contact some care facilities to get her some help at home. We have had to put her on a list---that may take 4 or 5 months to get the Goold assessment for financial aid---but through Cathloic Charity---will be having them give a couple of hours every other week--paying the full price for now. (Their assessment is this Friday) But---she was sooooo negative and adamant about not getting ANY help--that this is very refreshing to have her be in agreement---as she does need the help---(she sometimes goes without groceries, etc)! Thank you to those who have prayed. I will feel much better just having someone else to help her out and be able to contact me---if they see additional concerns. Also---once we get the Goold assessment---we may be able to get a little nursing help too. It's a start for future needs. Blessings to you all!
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Anytime my dads oxogen got depleted,he would get forgetful or sometimes very hostile.It was part of the heart disease. It was very painful to us.One minute he would be one way and the next,WATCH OUT. Thats when we would do a hospital run.It is so nice to know their are others out there who understand how hard it all is. I never had family who cared about our problems.
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What a wonderful post, Beth!
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It will pass. I know it's a long road and even for the most patient person in the world will break when having to deal with this type volume of stress and hurt. Are you in the State of Maine? Just in case you are, let me give you the phone number for Elder Independant Services, which are the ones that would set your mom up for the Goold Assessment. In order for your mom to have the agency come in to have Maine Care pay for it, I think you would need this first. My mom did. For Starters here is the office in Bangor, Maine across from the Maine Discovery Museum: Ph.# (207)990-1581. Ask to speak with Nicole. She is SUPER! She will have Goold call you. There are two agencie that we used for a short time -Once we found the help that was good - It was too late because of mom's severity. We were doing 24/7 by ourselves for months before we received some help. The agencies that I had Nicole use for my mom, once the Goold Assessment was done are: Home Care for Maine - Contac person that I had was Carrie - PH# (207)588-2035. The other agency is - Care and Comfort - my contact person was Rachel - PH# (207)861-5863. It doesn't matter the town that the offices are at because they service the whole State of Maine. The first one is in Farmingdale - right next to Gardiner. The 2nd one, Care & Comfort office is in Waterville. If you are in the Bangor Area, the person you would want to meet with at Human Services for your mom would be "Lance Schope" - PH# (207)561-4333 or 1-800-432-7825. I am also going to give to you the name of a facility that is a nursing home, but that does "Skilled Rehab", "Long-Term" & they also have "Assited Living". This is at "Orono Commons" on the Bennoch Rd. in Orono. This is an awesome place for care.

It sounds you and your husband are doing a great job for your mom. Don't ever give up hope, just remember, you and your husband are the ones that have always been there and are the ones that "Mom" is going to vent out on. Deep down, your mom is probably scared and is not ready to say out loud that she is really crying out. Being independant is a good thing until this time comes to admit when you no longer can take care of yourself. Just one week before my dad died, he finally allowed himself to tell the "Goold" Assessment person that he needed help. All the other times, he would use every bit of strength he had to get himself up as if he could manage. We had to tell him that it's ok.

If you are not in Maine, you can still call the numbers I gave you and I know they will assist you with contacts in your state.

Best of luck and I, as well as many others that are part of the caregivers on the site are here to help each other. You will be in my prayers and am here if you need to just vent! Sincerely, Beth -
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I really appreciate all of your sharing and comments. It does help to know that others are dealing with some of the same issues---and frustration and pain. I also appreciate the comment about the "toothfairy" movie----which reminds me to try to keep a smile on and find humor where I can. -----My mother has been SOOOOO adamant about not seeing any Dr! She says God is her healer---and she is so negative about Drs. (she is actually negative about everything!) In 2002---she almost died before we all realized how sick she was with an obstructed bowel. Finally the ambulance was called and she was too sick to fight them. I flew back the next day (across the country and then a drive for 3 hours) and when I got there---the Dr. said "I hope you are not like your Mom! I have never met a more stubborn woman in all my life!" She would not let them touch her until I got there! (Those were the days when she still trusted me and counted on me and would do whatever I suggested!) She did end up having complications---but pulled through---but things really started to go downhill after that with our relationship. It seemed to come on in spurts over the next few years---but she would call me and start in with these terrible accusations and had forgotten the actual incidents and events surrounding it. She has emphysema --but doesn't require oxygen. She doesn't have much feeling in her feet and fingers---so I'm afraid she may have artery clogging (She smoked up until the 02 surgery). She may have even had some mini strokes. I have read some articles---and have wondered about vascular dementia. But---I really don't think I will ever get her to a Dr. without an emergency. We had a terrible ordeal when she had to see an eye Dr. in order to keep her drivers license. So---I'm getting off the subject---but wanted to say she would never agree to get a medical evaluation at this point. She is able to get dressed and do minimal housework and keeps herself clean, etc. She has done much of her own grocery shopping---but has stairs to climb and has a very difficult time with it all. She has also been able to get out about once a week to play Beano. (We are concerned with her driving especially at night!)--- She has gotten worse and in the past 4 or 5 weeks has had a hip giving her trouble walking. She has found some friends to help with groceries --but they are not always dependable. So---she finally did say I could call Maine Care. I have found out that they will only help (financially) if she needs nursing care in home. At this point, she is saying yes to grocery help and lite housework. (This is actually amazing---- finally!). So we have called a Catholic Charity agency that was recommended to help us get the correct help. We are waiting to make contact ---hopefully tomorrow. This is certainly a start and I hope and pray that it works out. So---I am learning to certainly let many things that she says--- slide---and just agree and change the subject quickly. I do really feel sad that she thinks my husband and I have mistreated her so badly---when it is the furthest from the truth. I would love to help make her last years as pleasant as possible. She just isn't allowing me. But---I do call her daily and help with whatever I can---and I guess will just have to take it day by day. I guess these past few years have been causing me to slowly let go.--- She does have a Goold Assessment Agency nearby. I wonder if they will have to be called before the Catholic Agency can help? I'm new at this and am not sure how it all works---but guess I will start finding out more tomorrow. I agree dementia is a horrible disease. Oh, my Mom did just tell me that she saw someone on TV who was talking about dementia and gave a few tests one could do to access themselves. One was being able to count backwards from 50 to 1. She said she was able to do all of the tests---so was glad she actually didn't have dementia! I just kept quiet and wondered then "what in the world was causing all the problems". I guess it is all quite complicated and I may never quite know-----unless she is forced into a nursing home where she will get some medical attention. I just wish she were not so sad, lonely and ready to die. Thanks again---for all of the comments and heart shared information and suggestions. I'm sure I will review them from time to time for encouragement. I will also let you know how the Catholic Charity organization is able to direct us. Has anyone seen their loved one go past this state of anger and accusations----into a milder temperament? I'm hoping perhaps that may happen. Blessings to you all.
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Hi cnichols - I think the others have pretty much summed it up. It is so difficult to have to deal with so much after giving all of yourself, and then some. You might have read one of my comments about things w/my mom, whom has Parkinson's & the Dementia that goes along w/it. My husband & I (Like you & your Husband) have always been the ones that have been there for my mom and dad. Well, shortly before my dad died, which was Memorial Day night of 2008, he & mom finally agreed to have a "Goold Assessment" done to have Elder Independent Services come to the home. Due to the severity of mom's Parkinson's,she was able to get a waiver and so we went to Human Services to see if they could get assistance. We were told that if they could sign the home over to a legally disabled family member, then mom could receive it. A few years before that I had to stop working for medical reasons, so they intrn signed the home over to me. I have also been taking care all of their bills since 2001. After dad died, my mom was 24/7 care and moved in w/us. As her dementia worsened, she would do the same thing to me. She is in a nursing home right now. Just the other day, she started on the money thing again.

When mom was still living w/us and caring for her24/7 when she started on the money and house (Which I think she may have had a little help from someone else trying to get her money) I would get out her checkbook and show her everything. Even though I knew and know that it is her "ILLNESS" talking, it still really hurt and at the beginning, I felt the same way as you. I would get so ugly and hurt and because we have always been the ones that were always there for her and dad, they would go without to hand money to my siblings and I was the one that always stood on my own 2 feet and never took a dime from them. My mom would say the same things to me and what was really upsetting - We live about 100 miles from mom's brothers and sisters families, She would get on the phone and they would ask her how she was doing & wouldn't you know it, all of a sudden she would say how we were taking all of her money and that she had nothing and how awful we were being. Talk about being furiously hurt. BUT - I HAD TO GIVE MYSELF A REALITY CHECK BECAUSE THIS WASN'T MY MOM. MY MOM HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO GENTLE & KIND. SO I WOULD GET ON THE PHONE & PRAYING THAT THEY WOULD REALIZE THAT IT WAS THE DEMENTIA TALKING, NOT "MOM". It really took me awhile because all I could do was basically sit back & deal with it. Then, you would see mom just sit there and all of a sudden start crying because she was coming out of the confusion. She would apologize and try to sort things out in her mind.

Dementia is a horrible disease and it is really scary for the person with it, as well as those of us watching it happen to our loved ones. Only because of the close relationship that you have always had with your mom, it truly sounds like this might be what is happening to her. Hopefully, there will be a way to get your mom seen, even if it is at home through an assessment from one of the agencies.

Hang in there and just know that it isn't anything you/husband has done. I will be praying for you.
Sincerely, Beth
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LOL Perhaps you'll have to view the sequel...
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