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I don't know what to do with this additional stress. Even though the accusations aren't true, it's so hard to deal with. I have hired caregivers 5 hours a day and mom lives in my house. She is 82, can't walk or do any of her own daily care. She has severe diabetes but I am an RN and can care for her. I feel very strongly about not putting her in a nursing home. No one else in the family helps with her care giving. I know I give her wonderful care and she is happy. I believe they should let her money be used by her, rather than saved for them. What can I do to stop this harassment.

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BTW, the sis I refer to above is a liar, a thief, sociopath and a narcissist! She comes under the guise of helping, only to go thru everything in the home so she can steal what she wants and thinks she can get away with. Fun girl.
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Whew, and I thought our family was the only one dysfunctional to this point!! I am seeing that this behavior is somewhat typical on the part of a family member (sibling, in my case) who probably carries around a lot of guilt for not being involved in the caregiving of his/her loved one. I try to convince my sis that it is OK that she is not helping, not everyone is alike--just wish she would stay away and not make trouble by bringing her omnipresent drama into our home!
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Be brave, do the right things, and document well. APS has to err on the side of investigating all reports, reporters are relatively protected from anything that could be retaliation and inhibit reporting of true abuse, and bad faith is so hard to prove. They will normally let you know the report was made and that it was unfounded, no matter how many times it happens. They are not infallible but will normally see through any phony reporting - treat them as kindly as you can when they come over and they should understand that the whole thing makes you angry and nervous, but do your best to keep your cool, show concern and respect, but you can certainly let out a little frustration that the person making these reports has not even been around or been trying to help in any way and you do not understand it.
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I had the same thing happen to me. My sister first filed an "Elder Abuse" complaint about me about my dad. It was investigated by the social worker, they interviewed him and found no basis. A few weeks later, she filed a motion for "guardianship" because she mentioned in the motion that I have been "misappropriating " his money for my self. On the day of the hearing, they withdrew the complaint, but her lawyer sent him a the cost for his services. a bill. I am POA for both my parents who I have been careing for for 20 years.
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penny...you should tell that nosey sister in law TO BUTT OUT....she is not real family only married in family. It's up to you and your brother and any DIRECTLY related family to determine what is best for your Mom...not GREEDY sister in laws!
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Pam I am so proud of you not getting caught up in the caregiving role again - it did not take sister dear long to see it as it is well probably for you it was a long time you are a strong lady and I am so glad you are part of this group keep up the good work.
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penneynunez, the moderator of the site, Carol spoke specifically to the post about which you refer. She assures us we can vent safely without fear of recrimination. Of coarse, none of us would consider abuse, so what do we need to worry about? That was just written to scare. Circumspection is recommended, but not fear. Just be yourself, because that is why we're all here! When you post your true feelings and frustrations, it's helps us all feel less alone. After all, these are just emotions we're venting for relief. It works to do that here. That's not abuse. We're all in the same boat, so feel free to vent away. We do understand! I vent often myself. Sounds like you're dealing with a touchy situation, and I feel for your pain. Many here can identify with that. Praying for you that things work out better with help. Bless you for all that you do. Just know you're not alone.
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I have an attorney to help me with organizing my records. I feel much stronger now and don't want to be a "victim" anymore. I'm the one who promised to keep her out of the nursing home and I want to try to hold the memories we are making in my heart. I have a problem with losing my brother because we were very close as children and he could stop his wife's lies if he wanted to. She is indeed very greedy and I actually have had problems with her for years. I think it bothered her how close we used to be. Anyway I got a little freaked out when I read another post saying investigators read this site and have been afraid to post. I have found it so extremely helpful to just read what is said cause I don't feel so alone.Thanks to everyone for the comments.
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No, we are definitely not alone. Remember some of those Personality Disorder threads? It is so prevalent out there. Dealing with it is the difficult thing. Let those with momster mommies unite. Either that, or let us run away together...lol. Totheboattotheboattotheboattotheboat... Chat tonight?
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Sis...thanks big hugs....and it does help (it did this morning) when I know now that I am not the only one with a difficult mommo!
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I do see you as brave, PirateGal. Look at all you've been through! And you are going through still... So glad you are posting here again, as I was wondering about you (and went looking at your wall, too). And now you are back, and still in the fight. I know it can't be easy for you, because your mother sounds much worse than mine. But, God never gives us more than we can handle, so just look to him for help. And, think of the boat. Just let us know where to send the chocolate, and where to pick you up. Love you, my friend! Hang in there, because not much lasts forever. Someday your ordeal will end. Hope to chat with you tonight. Until then, know we care about you a LOT!
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Sis....I keep saying to myself to be brave.
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How true it is, PirateGal. And sad. That's why we have some of our fantasies. Some turn to chocolate; some turn to meds. The sun is shining today, so I think I'll turn to gardening. (I'm so excited after traveling on my treasure hunt, I'm even doing so Spring cleaning.) Hope to see you in chat tonight! There will be some new ones there...getontheboatontheboatonthe...
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It's a sad and loney road we tread upon, isn't it...I reflected a lot upon this caregiving situation this weekend. It's a like a merry-go-round of lunacy.
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Let me add to Austin's comment:

The rules for medicaid keep changing because these slick lawyers keep getting around the rules and regulations of medicaid. There are very few lawyers who handle these types of cases because of it and they charge a whole lot of money.
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People have to change their expectations of inheirtence in this day and age the money the elderly have has to go for their cares -not to pass along if the nursing homes did not have this money to use they would all have to close down and the rules for medicaide are so strict now because so many people were able to hide money in the past
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Let me ask u this, why would they say u r abusing ur parent? R they the type of siblings that would say that? and they are just greedy? If they wanted to help then they should get involved as well then they would share with u the responsibilities and then there would not be an issue of who gets what, every one would get their inheritance providing the parent gets taken care of with the funds that they have. Then what ever is left over then u will get what is due to u.

My brother accused me of trying to kill my mother with sedatives; of course he didn't know that I was given orders by a doctor of what to do. My mother takes them but sometimes I want to hold back because she is so tired that I don't want to give her any and the doctor said that it was a good dosage for her. That if I stopped them, then she would be a problem; and very seriously especially before she goes to the doctors; she gets combative. Not too easy. She goes on Dialysis as well which she hates and I try to reason with her; she does listen to reason at this time. The Home Health Aide who helps me with my mother finds that as well not to give her because even when she does not go to the doctor we have to give her a sedative which is Sereguil if I am spelling it correctly. Today Sat. morning I gave it today, I was told to do it; on the days that I do not go to the doctor I give her one in the morning and one at night but the night before Dialysis I have to give her 2 and 2 in the morning and when she is on the machine one; guess what? she fights it, she hates Dialysis, I told her that most people don't like it; my mother tells me that she says she is fine and I have to tell her why she is fine. Then she listens. I have learned alot taking care of my mother with a Home Health Aide and by myself. If I didn't have help I would of gone under which I almost did. As in Nervous Breakdown. So, my roommate says who is a doctor. She helped me get out of it. I felt like it as well, but wasn't sure what I was going through. Now I realize it. I seeked for someone else to help me.
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The only time u should be getting paid is if u r at home with them; otherwise if they r in a Nursing Home or any fascility where they r getting taken care of then u can't do it. In my circumstance, I can; I am her care giver. I am getting this advice now.
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U first need to talk to an elderly lawyer and u also need to talk to an accountant to see if ur loved one can deduct it for their care. They may say, u need to get soical security and compensation off your taxes or u can ask if u could be an independant contracter. I have to look into this myself. So, before u do anything and u have to have Power of Attorney so if their r any funds to be taken out as needed; u need to calculate and write everything down what their expenses r. Dates what u did and what their behavior is. If u don't remember everything at least cronicalogically try to jigual your memory of the seguance situations and appointments were. How they were reacting. The lawyers will understand if their is a will involved. Try to go and see someone that knows everything. Don't tell them what u r doing if a mistake was made, if u have to amend any taxes do it before the date that it is due. I think that I might have to do it. Any appointmenrs that were deleted from the computer or ur missing try to get from all the doctors all the ones leading up to the present. U must keep records. Or make up something. The pattern that u have been taking they will understand the frenzy that u have been having.
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Wow. Thanks for that info. Didn't know we could get paid. Is that for real? Yes, we do need to look out for ourselves, even with family, which is sad. Greed makes for an evil companion. Sad, sad, sad. Then, there are parental complaints, but I really don't have the energy to go there right now...
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Actually, u should be paying yourself at least $15.00 an hour and recording it and I think u can take her off and she can have a tax right off depending what the circumstances r. If u don't want to take a lot of hours off which is what I am intending to do, just have to find out more what can be done have to go see a lawyer about it. If she can get Medicade then u would of gotten paid, this is to protect u from the other siblings. What ever is left will be devided providing a Will is in place. If not her moneys will freeze unless u take everything out and u will have to do a lot of her paper work. U need to see a elderlycare lawyer. Write down all her appointments, med's, what u did with her, keeping track of her estate, it is a big ordeal. If u r taking care of her only, u r intitled to be paid, like it or not, the economy isn't good and even if ur an RN u can be laid off at anytime; u need to look after yourself.
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Wow, what a thread! I am amazed at the damage a demented person can do to their own kin, having others believe their shenanigans. I am still reeling from all the abuse from my mother and family, and those "unknown" accusers, and intimidating attorneys. What a nightmare! All in the name of a loving daughter providing caregiving for two vulnerable folks!!! I am so angry at this. At least my dad is safe, and protected from certain individuals. If nothing else, I'll be rewarded for that by those who really understand and know. I don't understand the accusers or the abusers, but am grateful for those who tangibly thank me for what I have done. I stand before God, knowing I did my best. He will have to fight everyone else for me. I am getting tired.
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Thank you Pamela for the compliment. I'm just doing what I feel is right. I can't feel bitter towards mom. The evil she has in her and always has had, is leaving her a mean, hateful, family-less woman. I will not live with evil in my heart, I will not be like her. Whereas family was not important to her and she chose a paid caregiver over us, my family is my heart. I can sleep at night with a clear conscience, I'm doubtful she can. My father didn't raise me to turn on family, evidently, mother wasn't in the room when he said that.
Blessings to you for loving and caring for your mom.
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AlwaysmyDuty, You are so inspiring. I hope I can find more courage and be able to get past this also. I feel sad at the loss of my family too. Hard to believe it's all so bad now. I don't feel the need to get back at anyone, I just want them to stop attacking me in this cowardly way. Amazing no one just ask me about her money.
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AlwaysmyDuty how brave you are. I am inspired by your courage of shaking if off, standing tall and moving forward.

You are a true trooper.
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Penny, I know the feeling of having to prove you didn't do anything wrong. Family members being so ugly to one another, aint it grand! The one doing me wrong is my own mother, revoked my POA, disinherited me and my kids, is suing me. That's the reward my kids and I got for taking care of her.
I'm sorry you are in the position of having to defend yourself, twice no less, all because of greed. I'd check into the harrassment aspect. Something's gotta give or they'll keep doing this periodically just because they can.
I've proven mom wrong and hope to get this over with soon and put behind me. I got no support or encouragement from my sibling, who knows as well as mom, that I'd never steal from her. Man, that hurts to be called a thief by your own kin. I'm shaking it off, standing tall and moving forward.
I wish you good luck, Penny. I'll be praying for you.
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Pam...sad we have to protect ourselves from our own family at times.
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Pennynunez I know how you feel. My sister took POA away from me, convinced my mom that she was better suited. I think she had my mom convinced that I was stealing from her.

But since she's taken over and is getting those large care-giving bills, (care-giver works now Mon-Fri 6:00 am till 5:00 pm @ $21.00 per hour) she see's the reality of where my mom's money is going. Now she wants me to come and take care of mom twice a week to REDUCE the bill. By the way when I was in charge I minimized care-giver to 3 days only. Two days I was there, which often turned out to be more like 4. I think little sis is more concerned about preserving moms money so that there's something left over. I've told mom that HER MONEY SHOULD BE SPENT ON HER and that's the bottom line.

No way am I doing this free this time, as sis will have to pay me. I've written up a contract, which is sitting at moms house as I type. I'm not falling into that trap again because I know that if I do I'll be right back at care-giver number uno again.

I think my sister does well by my mom though as mom seems to be happy and content. And when she's doing good, I'm feeling good.

But I do know how you feel.
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...or throw you under the train.
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penny don't fear your not going to be arrested you have done nothing to harm your mother. If they find no neglect what can they charge you with, they are just harrasing you. I had the one of those people snooping around my mom. My mom is so bad she never lets people in so this lady had a tough time. LOL...I think it was my cousins g/f due to we had a big fight about all this nonsense my mom was making up about dying a year ago - she was doing it for attention and she believed her and I knew better. That woman is healthy as a horse, she wants to play sick. I could not get an answer who called either I asked all the neighbors around her and they all said no but I think it was my cousin's g/f friend cause she works at city hall and the business card for the agency was the same city...ah ha..yep figured that one out. I never ever heard back from my cousin nor his nosey g/f ever since then. I dropped the hint to my aunt that I think it was her son's g/f and I think that got back to them. Yep nice when yer own family does you in. They never found anything so it was all written away as nothing and it went bye bye....all for nothing a waste of time and nothing but an irritant and a reminder on how family can back stab ya when your down.
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