I feel sad today.
I had my mother here for Easter dinner. I thought a quiet meal, just the three of us would be nice and less stressful than a restaurant with all the noise and confusion. I want her to be happy, feel loved. Its been a while since I have spent a whole day with her outside of her independent living apt where I visit several times a week. Once out of her "environment" its even more clear how frail, unsteady, mentally deficient and weak she is. Her dementia is getting so much worse that being with her is really really difficult. Talking to her is like the Abbott and Costello routine "who's on first" except that she is so deaf I have to shout the whole time. She doesn't remember the conversation 5 minutes later, so we do it again, and again, and again until I can barely talk and my stomach is in a knot. She doesn't remember the past and family much any more, gets people mixed up, etc and I have to tell her who they are over and over. She argues, she never smiles, never laughs, never seems to enjoy anything, even though she is very healthy. She never relaxes, just sits there all restless and fidgety and her attention span is about 2 minutes long. I don't know what to do with her, can't have a normal conversation, she can't comprehend tv, glances at the same magazine 10 times because she doesn't remember she just put it down, I can't take her for a walk, she's too weak, and she is like a cat on a hot tin roof. The day was one of hopelessness. I get so frustrated and irritated but keep it in, because I pity her and know she can't help it (she never lets me forget how much she pities herself)
I know people will say she is depressed and needs meds, I know I know. But she refuses to move to assisted living. She shouldn't be where she is, she is not competent, can't trust her to take any meds (thank God she is so healthy she doesn't need any Rx at all)
It was a very sad Easter. I have heard people say "you can live too long" and I guess when the quality of life isn't there, that is true.