I don't like the way my Mom talks to me.

Started by

I am helping my Mom, I have a full life, full time job gone 11 hours a day and two children. I try my best to help her, I am a responsible person.
If something doesn't go perfect she talks to me in a tone like I did something wrong as if I am responsible and didn't do something right. She has her caregivers that are paid exceptionally well. When she talks to me like this I fall apart. If she wants some sort of paperwork, I would like her to ask her caregivers to make the call, I live in Seattle, she in Ca. I have been helping her for two years and she has times where she has to go into assisted living due to problems with her MS and she acts crazy. She has had to go in two times already. I've gotten her back out both times due to her wishes.

I am sick of her right now. I am not answering the phone today if she calls.
She is in complete denial about her in and out of mental state. Probably due to bladder infection or her salts being off. I need a break. There isn't one.


Ellie I see your mom has dementia. That doesn't make it any easier when she talks to you in a harsh way, but it can be viewed as the illness and not her doing that.

If it were me, I'd find a geriatric care manager in CA where your mom is. That person can do all of the things you're doing and they know the local resources. Those people aren't cheap, but they can take the burden off of you. You can find one by googling the National Association of Geriatric Care Managers. They're typically former nurses or medical professionals and can coordinate and run interference for you. It's worth your sanity and health to get some help!
Get her back into assisted living. She can't handle the strain of being on her own, and so come the frustrated outbursts. Talk to her caregivers and her MD and work it out so all agree.
I agree with ps ... it is probably a mistake to take her out of assisted living just because she wants you to.
If you decide to keep her at home, get a geriatric care manager. I would jot want caregivers to have access to financial or personal information. GCM's are normally bonded and insured, I don't believe caregiver are. If they were the cost to hire them would be much higher.
I agree with pstiegman.
She is finding it difficult to cope up with the issues and moving her back to an assisted living facility will help her calm down to some extent.
Would you find it helpful to talk to your mother's caregivers, perhaps? If there are things that need doing that it isn't practical for you to deal with, maybe she doesn't like to ask them, maybe she doesn't trust anyone but you with them, who knows? But if you can have a conversation with the other people involved, you could judge for yourself whether they might be able to give your mother better support and take it from there.

As for what she says, you said it yourself: "her in and out mental state." All you can do is try not to take it to heart; you know she's not rational. Good luck, hope it gets easier x
My MIL makes up stories when I leave her in the care of another for even 1 hour. She'll say the caregiver hit her. NOT TRUE and I know that for certain. But I think she does it to punish me for leaving. I need some boundaries but coming home is terrible. The poor caregiver who I pay $10.00/hour is mortified and so am I. Also, my BIL has heard this a few times and he thinks I should find a different caregiver when I go out. No, my BIL will not offer to sit with her. I trust my dear friend in my house and she does a great job. I really don't want to go searching for someone else I can trust when she is perfectly fine.
Everyone has given you good advice. DON'T bring Mom home from AL.

I hear how upsetting her words are to you. She really wounds you. I wish there were a magic potion to make her change her ways, but there isn't. This is one of those times where the only one you can change is yourself. I hate those times!

Seriously, though, have you tried therapy for yourself? You wouldn't be human if you could completely ignore her meanness, but it's not good to let it bother you THAT much. You could be happier if you could learn to "detach with love" from her. One place to learn how is Al Anon. Even if Mom isn't a drinker, her behavior is caused by something you can't control, and you need to learn how to protect yourself better.

I'm so sorry she's so mean to you. You don't deserve it.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support