I don't know what to do with my life. Depression and mental illness related.
As I've posted before I'm a 23 year old who has been struggling with mental ilness for almost 7 years, I live with my 54 year old mother who had an heart attack last year and since that day she's not the same person anymore, I also live with my grandma who has dementia. She's violent, can't hold her feces and urine, refuses to shower, doesn't let us sleep because she spends the night walking around the house, it's just me and my mom taking care of her but we need to rest, we can't be around her 24h. Last night when we were all asleep we woke up with a scary sound, it was her, she got up and fell, I'm so tired of this, it's not the first time this has happened, our nights are always a nightmare. I feel so ashamed for saying this because it sounds like I don't want my grandma around or something worse but two days ago she was behaving terribly and my mother was doing the night shift, she thought it wasn't fair to leave me alone with her all day so she called her sister (yes, she has a sister and a brother but they don't care) and after a while she convinced her to pick up my grandma and have her stay that day and night at her house, to be completely honest that night was the first night in almost a year where I was able to lay my head on my pillow, relax and sleep, it felt so good but I felt guilty for feeling that at the same time. My mother is going to talk with the social security services to see if they can find a nursing home for her, I don't know how much long will we be able to handle this because we're both in a really frail physical and psychological condition,I just hope they're quick, I also don't think my grandma is going to last for much long, I don't know,she seems so frail and keeps falling, I don't understand why that happens but my head is already too tired, I don't need more things to dwell on. I've written here before, I've explained my story, now I'm just writing because I feel like talking ,I want to be heard, I want to cry but I don't have no one to listen to me, I can't upset my mother because of her heart, she already has to take care of her own mother and of her mentally ill daughter. I suffer from pipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, chronic depression, generalized anxiety disorder which brought a lot of other attached issues with it to my life like panic attacks, social phobia, obsessive compulsive disorder, benzodiazepine addiction and the list could go on an on. My brain is basically a small living hell where no one would like to be and I don't know what to do,due to all my health issues I lost all my friends,I have no one I can call or talk to,I dropped out of school, I rarely go out and when I do I have to go with my mom because I'm terrified of going out all by myself. Where do I go from here? I wasn't always like this, I used to have a life, I went to school, I had friends, I went to school, I had a loving family that eventually fell apart. The main question in my mind is what's going to happen to me? My feelings are so contraditory, I feel like moving my grandma to a nursing home would be better for the three of us but when I think about her there it makes me feel so guilty, it's like I just want to get rid of her for my own well being and then I imagine myself in this empty house,without her presence, she's not able to have a conversation anymore but at least she's here, I'm so afraid of getting even more sick if she goes, I'm afraid my mind won't be able to take it. This all sounds so selfish, it's all so me, me, me, I've been called terrible things by someone who had no idea about my situation, they only heard we were thinking about moving my grandma to a nursing home and they began insulting me, telling me it was my obligation to take care of her because she took care of me when I was a child, they called me a monster, said I wasn't human, they made me feel so bad I wanted to kill myself. First I thought they were right but then I thought they had no idea what they were talking about, only a caregiver has! Am I being selfish? Are they right? Should I stick to my grandma's side until the very end even if that means damaging even more my mental health, perhaps to a level where there's no return? I have no doubts that if I was ill and dying she would stick by my side until my last breath. I don't know what to think, at the same time I still have dreams, I dream about me and my mother having our own house, just the two of us, doing mother and daughter things which we haven't done in ages because of our situation, we have no time for ourselves, I dream about getting better, going back to school, making friends,just small things that so many people have and take for granted. I've studied at home but I don't have finished school officially which makes me unable to get a job, I don't know how am I going to get through all this and still come out alive and well in the end. My only wish is to be happy. Sorry for my pointless post, I talked a lot and ended up saying nothing, it's just good to let all these feelings out.