I can't take it anymore...

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My 68 yr. old Mother had a stroke 4 yrs. ago last year she started repeating herself, asking the same questions over and over, forgetting things etc. I took her to a neurologist who determined she is in the beginning stages of dementia. Since then she has slowly gotten worse but now I am the enemy. She "talks" to others at her Senior Center she goes to and they tell her it's just part of getting older. Tells me she has done research on the internet and tells me I'm making things up. (F.Y.I. the computer confuses her she only does Facebook but even then she needs help.) She says the most inappropriate things around people. She sneaks and hides food in her room, we have asked her countless times not to but she still does it. I can't tell her when she has a neurology appointment because she crams for the test the give her. She still thinks it's 2009. My husband now has to take the day off of work to take her because I'm being a bully and telling on her. (Those our her exact words.) When she first had her stroke everyone said they would help, they haven't. I have one brother who lives in Alaska. I've asked him several times to take her for the summer, I live in Phoenix, just so I can have a break. He works the oil fields so his excuse is, "I don't have a place to live.". I've asked her sisters to take her for a least a week here or there but something always comes up. She has a brother but they had a falling out so they are not on speaking terms. My poor husband is all I have to help me through all of this. Since April of 2013 my drinking has gotten out of control (not an excuse) but it takes the edge of my daily dealings with her. My doctor has me on several anti-depressants/depression medications it is unreal. Caregiver meetings? Done it. Therapy? I've tried it. It just makes me feel worse about myself. Yoga? I do it. I feel great when it's over but then I get home and the crazy is waiting for me at the door. So now we are looking for an assisted living facility for her. I'm hoping she will be happy there. We both aren't happy with our situation. I have become the parent and she resents me for it. My Mother and I have nothing in common and I do mean nothing. We don't like the same movies, books, foods etc. So we don't have a lot to talk about sometimes I will repeat a story to her now she is convinced I have dementia also. I lost it on New Years Day. I don't remember what set me off but my poor husband just stood there and let me go off on him. It wasn't him I was crying and yelling about but my Mother. She heard the whole thing from her bedroom. She and I haven't spoken to each other in 4 days. I don't have anything to say to her anymore. I'm spent. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being made the villain. I'm tired of the guilt. I'm tired of hiding in my room and crying. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being angry.


Did you just need to vent or do you need someone to make suggestions, how can I help you?
I've become mean to her. I don't mean to. It's not all the time. But sometimes the little things add up and the "bitch" comes out. I think that's when I started drinking more. When I have a "buzz" the little things don't bother me. I'm crying as I write this I feel so helpless.
Vent. We are looking at assisted living homes this week.
I thought I was the only person that felt this way about my Mom! She moved in with us last May and as the months have gone on, I have grown to the point of utter resentment toward her. I feel like I am a bad person for never having any patience with her. When she moved in she was capable of cooking and carrying on conversations but not anymore. Everything is a battle, she yes's me to death and does whatever she wants the minute I turn my back then acts like she doesn't remember the conversation. Sometimes within under 5mins of having the conversation, and pretends she can't hear what I am saying if I ask why she is doing the opposite of what we agreed on. Yet the minute she gets on the phone with my siblings she is herself, lucid, laughing and carrying on a conversation. I also find her hiding food in her room and many of the other things you are experiencing. My mom has always been part of our family, took care of my 4 children when they were young, lived 2 minutes around the corner, always had Sunday dinner with us, vacationed with us so the move was not too drastic. She has her own room with a tv and stereo and beautiful New recliner chair for comfort so she has her own privacy. I've tried to make everything as comfortable for her as I can and now I am feeling just like you, tired, angry, and sad. All the things my mom could do for herself back in May she has just let go of and expects them to be done for her, by me or my family. I don't know how long we all can keep doing this. Like you, my siblings always find excuses not to take her for a few days, I would be happy with an afternoon! Funny thing was they weren't busy the week BEFORE, me and family moved her from her home to ours. They all came while I was not there and took the items they wanted, even items my mom wanted to keep. Sorry for the rant, but I do feel better getting that out :(
I agree, a glass of wine helps. I would love more constructive advice if anyone has suggestions... before I become an alcoholic!! Also, I work Mon-Friday which helps me stay sane (she is fine alone, she won't attempt to cook for herself and there are no stairs to worry about). Any advice is welcome! I do plan on a Drs appt soon, I brought her the day she moved in to be evaluated and have them chat with her about her feelings and expectations on moving in with us. I wanted an outside person to have a record of her mental state in the event my siblings wanted to cause problems later as I have durable power of attorney.
It is great to have found people who are fed up ! At first I thought I was alone and being selfish .It seemed like everyone else were like angels and just so understanding about be a caregiver . I want to just run away and never have any to do with my so called family , with the exception of my husband ! He is the only one holding me together . I spent 3 years taking care of my step dad after my mother died , in Chicago . Finally I told him I wanted to go home to my husband in Fl. So I had him sign his house over to the bank , which he had a reverse mortgage on and was under water . And moved him to my house . He has dementia brought on by his drinking . I have MS and both of my doctors told me the stress is killing me . The funny thing is my brother got the only thing they had that I felt was where my soul belonged , filled with my childhood memories and I got the up side down house that the bank wanted 136,000.00 for . My brother first visit to my childhood spot was when he was when he was 26 yrs.old . He and my so called childhood best friend ,who he married also had my parents change their will putting him in charge . And now they don't want anything to do with him ! I am so tried of all of it ! And the best part is last night in one of his episodes Mr. Wonderful told me I am not his daughter that he doesn't have one ! Will it ever end , I'm tried of being the door mat !
My Mother's sisters were suppose to come over today to take her to look at assisted living homes; they never showed up. My brother who doesn't want to take her for a couple of months is willing to help pay for assisted living but I'll believe it when I see it. I feel so worn out today.
I'm not taking care of a family member, a private client. But I can relate. I would walk in the door and grab a drink. I recently had issues with my client. Yelling, screaming and threatening to call the cops on me. So, me too, used alcohol to cope.it's not abnormal for any caregiver, we need to feel good. Somehow. But if it's affecting you so much, it may be time to place her in a assisted living facility. You need to think of yourself, with mom having dementia it's not gonna change. But maybe having others taking on the full responsibility may help you. I know, easier said than done. But laying it out there, you need the weight of your shoulders! I see no one is helping, another struggle. Sad to say you may have to help make the transition happen yourself. Stay strong, this is a good place to come vent. Hugs to you! I won't chastise you for drinking. We all cope in different ways. Hope you find a solution for your mom and yourself.... just one thing, your own well being is important, don't lose sight of that...
I'm glad I am not the only one who feels like this. I am a only child 70 yrs. old taking care of my mom with dementia. most of the time she doesn't know where she's at but mention going to the nursing home and she goes nuts. can't get her to go. she is 91 yrs. old and needs care 24 hrs a day. I tried hiring someone to live with her but it's $5,000 a month plus room and board. now who can afford that? I hired someone at $840.00 a month to stay three nights a week and now she is quitting. I just wanted you to know I know exactly how you fee. may god bless us both and help us and them out of this situation.
WhiskeyAnn, it's too much, it's exhausting and you're exhausted. That's all. It's the relentlessness of it, and you've already had four years, and your mother is comparatively young... I can't believe anyone is going to blame you for feeling as you do. Hope you find a practical answer soon that suits everyone. Big hug. x

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