I'm the primary caregiver and sometimes it gets very overwhelming. I just need someone to listen.

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Hi, I am new at this and not sure where to start. I am taking care of my 52 year old brother-in-law who has alcohol induced dementia. He was diagnosed about a year ago and has been living with my husband and me for about 6 months now. My husband works so I am the primary caregiver. Sometimes it gets very overwhelming. Johnny (my brother-in-law) has 3 grown children of his own but they don't help me with his care. Johnny is in the mid stages of Dementia, he doesnt seem to care about anything anymore. It is very hard sometimes and I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about it. My husband doesnt want to believe that this is happening to his brother so we have a really hard time talking about it.
I guess I just need to know that there are other people out there that know what I am going through.
Thank you for listening to me.


Oh, Brenda! I am here along with thousands of other people in this world that knows what you are going through. Does his kids come visit? Do you ever get a break? I am fairly new to all of this but I am going crazy already. I am having my first break in two weeks right now. I hope you can get one! I just signed up on this site so I don't have my profile or anything set up yet.

I just read your email and had to say, I know how hard this is. I hope you can get a break.

Hi lisalives, its feels so good to know that there are others out there who understand what I am going through. I have felt so alone with this. His kids have come and taken him for the weekend a couple of times and it really does help me some, but then he gets mad because he can't stay with them. He cant understand why they don't want him to live with them so it makes it really hard on me when he comes home. And they don't take him on a regular basis, only when they feel like it. But at least it is something. They really have no idea what is going on with their dad. They are still young though. They are in their 20's and early 30's.
I know what you mean about going crazy, sometimes thats how I feel, like I am the one that is losing my mind. Anyway its really nice to meet you and I hope we talk again.
Hello bwthrs,
I am also new to this site. But it has helped so much in just the few days I have been on. You are not alone in your feelings. I know I get crazy at times, feel resentment, and just plain tired.
Hopefully his children will come around more often, but I have children in their 20's and they do not understand the situation with their grandmother. They think they do, but not really.
Please vent all that you need we are here for you.......
Hello Ladies,
While I am not new at this, I understand the feeling of going crazy. I have been a part-time caregiver for my mother for 20 plus years (before that it was full time for my dad 2 years right out of college).Now it is full time for my mom for the past 4 years. I know from experience that you have to get some help on a regular basis or your health won't hold out. Brenda, you need to have a sit down meeting with your brother-in-laws children and let them know what their responsibility is. They need to understand that you are taking on a big part of their responsibility! If they aren't willing to take their dad (or stay with him at your home so you can get away), they need to take some financial responsibility so that you can hire some respite help. I was only 19 when my father was diagnosed with advanced cancer and I understood my responsibility. If need be they can pick up an extra job. Their primary concern needs to be meeting your needs since you are caring for THEIR dad. Take care of yourself and good luck!
I just want to say thank you, this really helps just to have someone to talk to who understands. Johnny and I used to be very good friends, he listened to my problems and I was there for him when he split up with his wife. We talked all the time, now I am the one that he hates the most. He tells my husband that they need to move away and leave me behind (sometimes that doesn't sound so bad lol) but really, there are times when he refuses to listen to anything that I tell him. I know that this is a big part of the dementia but it can really get to me sometimes. I have tried to talk to his kids, I have told them that I need some help with him. We even talked about this before he moved in with us. I told them that I was going to need there help with just taking him for the weekend from time to time and they agreed, but now they just don't seem to have time for him, as I have been told, they have lives and families of their own now and are just to busy, there is always some excuse why they can't take him. My husband is great though, he will take Johnny fishing for a couple of hours on the weekends and gives me time to myself when he can.
You know something, I just realized that I feel alot better just being able to let all this out. It really does help. Maybe there is hope for me after all. LoL. Anyway, I just want to thank you all for listening.
Hard as it is for your brotherin lay to treat you badly, you have to remeber that it is the dementia and not really him! I still say stay on his kids. They have a responsibility to help. I so agree that finding this site is a blessing. Knowing that I am not the only one struggling through this helps so much. I used to stand outside and cry at night feeling totally isolated. Now I am on the computer meeting new people in my same situation and feeling so much a part of a group that cares and supports each other. Thank you all so much!! God Bless!
Just me Lisalives checking in. I just finished my profile. I think! Sounds like you are getting the support you asked for. Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.

After visiting this site and reading about what other people go through, I am feeling like I am very lucky and have very little to complain about. When I am in the midst of everything it is hard to see that.

God Bless you all, lisalives
Caregiving is a tough job, NO doubt about it... I admire you for caring for your brother in law...I have a brother in law I love dearly and I would do the same thing for him. Try to find a support group for caregivers in your area and go... Even if you only take the time to have a bubble bath, or read a book take some time for yourself... take care and God Bless you ... J
bwthrs, please do understand it is the disease not the man speaking. It is very hard to look past the words and keep you head up. Have you read the article on this site called something the Long Good-bye. It is very good. It validated every emotion I had.
Do get some time for yourself. I know from experience that is very hard to do at times. As I said in a post the other day. I finally got to take a nap I had forgot what it felt like, it was very nice. So if you can steal a few minutes away please do.
3930 helpful answers
Stay in touch. Validating feelings is a good part of what groups like this are about. You will have ever changing emotions, and the advice to remember it is the disease, not the person is solid. It's hard to do, but right on the mark. Keep in touch and vent your feelings. It helps.

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