I'm the primary caregiver and sometimes it gets very overwhelming. I just need someone to listen.

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Hi, I am new at this and not sure where to start. I am taking care of my 52 year old brother-in-law who has alcohol induced dementia. He was diagnosed about a year ago and has been living with my husband and me for about 6 months now. My husband works so I am the primary caregiver. Sometimes it gets very overwhelming. Johnny (my brother-in-law) has 3 grown children of his own but they don't help me with his care. Johnny is in the mid stages of Dementia, he doesnt seem to care about anything anymore. It is very hard sometimes and I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about it. My husband doesnt want to believe that this is happening to his brother so we have a really hard time talking about it.
I guess I just need to know that there are other people out there that know what I am going through.
Thank you for listening to me.
Brenda

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Both of my parents were in a nursining home when they had hospice care. The nursing home staff works under hospice direction, for medication. They worked seamlessly together, and my parents had staff from both organizations to help. Both chaplains visited. Familiar CNAs took care of them. But hospice directed the operation and had their staff tending to things, also. The whole idea is that people can die at home wherever their home is. By the time my parents died, their home was Rosewood.

Carol
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Another thing you can get hospice for someone in a nursing home which was a great help to a friend of mine at the end of her mothers life at age 99 and 1/2
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Thank you for that, Gina. I preach hospice all of the time. People wait too long, and then said they wished they'd gotten help sooner (once they've done it). And your mother is proof that you can "go off" hospice, if you get better. It happens more often than people think. Thanks for getting that message out.
Carol
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My Mom was put on hospice for about 6 months when I first took her to live with me. She was taken off hospice (because she got better) for over 5 years then put back on when she started declining. They said she only had a few months to live when I took her and she lived 6 more years!
People also think you have to be on your death bed to be put on hospice but that isn't true either. You just have to have an illness that will eventually end your life at some point. I just know that they took a lot of burden off my shoulders.
Gina
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I am not sure most people know that you can renew hospice if you need to do so -a lot people who have talked to me think it is only for a limited time such as six months- but I learned it can be used longer.
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MysticalAngel - I am an aging specialist. Sometimes when an elderly person has surgery, dementia develops. Most of the time the dementia was already starting and the person gets very good at covering up, especially if you don't know what to look for in symptoms. Your Grandmother's change in personality needs to be addressed by her doctor right away. The suicidal tendencies have to be taken VERY seriously. The doctor will probably prescribe anti-depressants, which sometimes work wonders in the elderly. Don't personalize anything she says. It is very obvious that this is a physical problem. It could also be caused by side effects from medications. Talk to the doctor.
For everyone who is dealing with lack of involvement from family members - I had to be very specific to my sibblings on what I needed them to do to help my mom, because if I did not push the issue they would just assume I was doing everything and went on with their lives.When I needed respite time or had to work or whatever, I would ask them if they could stay with Mom from noon to 4pm on Sat.,for example, so I could do what I needed to do. I asked my Aunt, cousins, nieces , brother and sister. Sometimes they would complain but eventually would help out. Sometimes I would have to get split shift help. My Aunt and cousin would take my mom for a few days to a week once in a while and I cannot tell you how much that helped!! Get the family to commit to a few hours a week, whenever they have time just to get some personal time. Also, my Mom qualified for respite care a few hours a week. I had a caregiver come in to change her sheets and clean her room real good and give her a shower. That was great! Contact her insurance company to see if she has coverage in this area. Contact the Dept of Aging in your county for a list of resources. As Mom's emphysema progressed I put her on Hospice and they offer caregivers, nurse visits, even counselors and social workers come to see her.
Hope that helps!
Gina
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First, don't feel guilty. Obviously, your mother is a controller, and maybe that did hurt her marriage and her husband's health, but you couldn't control that. And she will likely fight you with whatever advice you give her about the house. You may have to let her make her own mistakes, until she realizes she can't move until she sells her house. Her realtor will see some of that. She may listen to him or her before she listens to you. But a bank won't let her make a move until she can do it right. This may be a time for you to step back and let her make mistakes. It's hard to detach from that, but sometimes we need to. Keep coming back here. We'll want to know how you are doing.
Carol
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Hello everyone! I guess it is my turn to ask for some help. I don't know what to do. My mom is in the beginning of dementia. Some days are better than others. Her husband died July 5th so I know she is going through so much pain. I feel like she put her husband in his grave sooner than needed. They were only married 3 years. I know how mean that sounds. Believe me I am shocked at myself. She just seems to be mean. She will not let me in to help her. She is selling her home which is way up in the mountains. In my mind she is asking to much. It needs to get sold fast so she can move to town where I live so I can help her. Her house has to sell before she can move. Yet I can't talk her out of home shopping at all. Today she stopped by with her realator. She just walked in
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Wonderful advice from nothingisimpossible. These people are addicted and can't help themselves without some kind of spiritual help. However, those who help them, even though their dementia or other problems come from addiction, can get help through spiritual programs and/or church or faith, as well. That's where Al-Anon, Narc Anon and other programs come in. You are with people who understand what you are dealing with. Most people are glad they were able to help. Of course, if you are being abused, you must take care of yourself. But if the person is ill, you will feel better in the end if you helped them (in most cases).
Carol
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All you can do is keep going with what you are doing. Pray that your husband will understand you and that you need help. But most of all just let Jonny know that you love him. Even though it may be hard now the end results will be worth it. My uncle just got over a crack addiction problem, and my aunt found her husband in bed with another woman (who was naked) while they were passed out from being drunk. You are not alone and we understand what you are going through. What I do when i have a problem is i read the bible, and pray for about an hour. It really helps, and im reassured that all i do for people will come back in reward for us both in the end. It is hard to help those who really need it, but just think about how much better their lives will be after YOU helped save them from themselves. I do not know you, but i would like to say I really respect you. To take on that responsiblity. I think that it is truly amazing, and when you are done you presonaly will be a mirichale in your brother-in-law's life. I will pray for help with you and your family, and I'm rooting for you !! Keep being amazing !!
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