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Hi, I am new at this and not sure where to start. I am taking care of my 52 year old brother-in-law who has alcohol induced dementia. He was diagnosed about a year ago and has been living with my husband and me for about 6 months now. My husband works so I am the primary caregiver. Sometimes it gets very overwhelming. Johnny (my brother-in-law) has 3 grown children of his own but they don't help me with his care. Johnny is in the mid stages of Dementia, he doesnt seem to care about anything anymore. It is very hard sometimes and I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about it. My husband doesnt want to believe that this is happening to his brother so we have a really hard time talking about it.
I guess I just need to know that there are other people out there that know what I am going through.
Thank you for listening to me.
Brenda

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Both of my parents were in a nursining home when they had hospice care. The nursing home staff works under hospice direction, for medication. They worked seamlessly together, and my parents had staff from both organizations to help. Both chaplains visited. Familiar CNAs took care of them. But hospice directed the operation and had their staff tending to things, also. The whole idea is that people can die at home wherever their home is. By the time my parents died, their home was Rosewood.

Carol
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Another thing you can get hospice for someone in a nursing home which was a great help to a friend of mine at the end of her mothers life at age 99 and 1/2
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Thank you for that, Gina. I preach hospice all of the time. People wait too long, and then said they wished they'd gotten help sooner (once they've done it). And your mother is proof that you can "go off" hospice, if you get better. It happens more often than people think. Thanks for getting that message out.
Carol
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My Mom was put on hospice for about 6 months when I first took her to live with me. She was taken off hospice (because she got better) for over 5 years then put back on when she started declining. They said she only had a few months to live when I took her and she lived 6 more years!
People also think you have to be on your death bed to be put on hospice but that isn't true either. You just have to have an illness that will eventually end your life at some point. I just know that they took a lot of burden off my shoulders.
Gina
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I am not sure most people know that you can renew hospice if you need to do so -a lot people who have talked to me think it is only for a limited time such as six months- but I learned it can be used longer.
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MysticalAngel - I am an aging specialist. Sometimes when an elderly person has surgery, dementia develops. Most of the time the dementia was already starting and the person gets very good at covering up, especially if you don't know what to look for in symptoms. Your Grandmother's change in personality needs to be addressed by her doctor right away. The suicidal tendencies have to be taken VERY seriously. The doctor will probably prescribe anti-depressants, which sometimes work wonders in the elderly. Don't personalize anything she says. It is very obvious that this is a physical problem. It could also be caused by side effects from medications. Talk to the doctor.
For everyone who is dealing with lack of involvement from family members - I had to be very specific to my sibblings on what I needed them to do to help my mom, because if I did not push the issue they would just assume I was doing everything and went on with their lives.When I needed respite time or had to work or whatever, I would ask them if they could stay with Mom from noon to 4pm on Sat.,for example, so I could do what I needed to do. I asked my Aunt, cousins, nieces , brother and sister. Sometimes they would complain but eventually would help out. Sometimes I would have to get split shift help. My Aunt and cousin would take my mom for a few days to a week once in a while and I cannot tell you how much that helped!! Get the family to commit to a few hours a week, whenever they have time just to get some personal time. Also, my Mom qualified for respite care a few hours a week. I had a caregiver come in to change her sheets and clean her room real good and give her a shower. That was great! Contact her insurance company to see if she has coverage in this area. Contact the Dept of Aging in your county for a list of resources. As Mom's emphysema progressed I put her on Hospice and they offer caregivers, nurse visits, even counselors and social workers come to see her.
Hope that helps!
Gina
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First, don't feel guilty. Obviously, your mother is a controller, and maybe that did hurt her marriage and her husband's health, but you couldn't control that. And she will likely fight you with whatever advice you give her about the house. You may have to let her make her own mistakes, until she realizes she can't move until she sells her house. Her realtor will see some of that. She may listen to him or her before she listens to you. But a bank won't let her make a move until she can do it right. This may be a time for you to step back and let her make mistakes. It's hard to detach from that, but sometimes we need to. Keep coming back here. We'll want to know how you are doing.
Carol
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Hello everyone! I guess it is my turn to ask for some help. I don't know what to do. My mom is in the beginning of dementia. Some days are better than others. Her husband died July 5th so I know she is going through so much pain. I feel like she put her husband in his grave sooner than needed. They were only married 3 years. I know how mean that sounds. Believe me I am shocked at myself. She just seems to be mean. She will not let me in to help her. She is selling her home which is way up in the mountains. In my mind she is asking to much. It needs to get sold fast so she can move to town where I live so I can help her. Her house has to sell before she can move. Yet I can't talk her out of home shopping at all. Today she stopped by with her realator. She just walked in
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Wonderful advice from nothingisimpossible. These people are addicted and can't help themselves without some kind of spiritual help. However, those who help them, even though their dementia or other problems come from addiction, can get help through spiritual programs and/or church or faith, as well. That's where Al-Anon, Narc Anon and other programs come in. You are with people who understand what you are dealing with. Most people are glad they were able to help. Of course, if you are being abused, you must take care of yourself. But if the person is ill, you will feel better in the end if you helped them (in most cases).
Carol
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All you can do is keep going with what you are doing. Pray that your husband will understand you and that you need help. But most of all just let Jonny know that you love him. Even though it may be hard now the end results will be worth it. My uncle just got over a crack addiction problem, and my aunt found her husband in bed with another woman (who was naked) while they were passed out from being drunk. You are not alone and we understand what you are going through. What I do when i have a problem is i read the bible, and pray for about an hour. It really helps, and im reassured that all i do for people will come back in reward for us both in the end. It is hard to help those who really need it, but just think about how much better their lives will be after YOU helped save them from themselves. I do not know you, but i would like to say I really respect you. To take on that responsiblity. I think that it is truly amazing, and when you are done you presonaly will be a mirichale in your brother-in-law's life. I will pray for help with you and your family, and I'm rooting for you !! Keep being amazing !!
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To CAT
I hope that I was not one of those who did not understand what you are going through if I was I sincerely apologize, it is so hard to be a caregiver and at times we are so caught up in our own problems that we do not listen as well as we should to others pain and we need to hear that said to us, it is important to keep that in mind, and it's good to be honest on this site. I do hope you are hanging in there.
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Bwthrs
A friend told me years ago that people are usually meanest to those they depend on the most.

Mysticangel
I was told to call a crisis center when my husband threatened suicide which was often or 911 for EMT's or the Police but if the person does not want to go to the hospital they can not be made to go. When things got real bad one day I called the phone no. I was given and it was in a different county and was told to call our county and our crisis center was closed so I call the first one back and they said to call 911 and have them take him to the hospital but an EMT I knew said if he refused to go they would not take him - so I just hoped for the best and the next day I got in touch with our clergy and he came over to talk to him and he was good for a while, now our crisis center in back inoperation-but I knew I had done all I could do and if he were to hurt himself I was not going to feel guilty also I told his M.D. office his threats of suicide and their NURSE Practioner put him on medication--there is only so much a caregiver can do when the person threatens suicide. It has gotten better and he does not talk about it hardly at all anymore but I know I have done everything I can humunly do for him- we took all of the guns out of the house that he use to hunt with when he was younger and he resents me even though I was told by professionals to do this--I have explained so many times to him it was not me that made the descion now when he brings it up to other people I just leave the room.
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I just really seem to have problems with getting cut off:) As I started to say, everyone is right. It doesn't matter what the cause of the disease is, the reality is what is happening right now. It seems that now is the time for Johnny's children to come to terms with his illness. If they don't do that they will have to live with the guilt from that decision for the rest of their lives. You, however, will have no regrets knowing that you did everything you could to make the end of his life as pleasant and peaceful as possible. Hang in there! We are here for you.
Brendalou
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Brenda, Everyone is so right
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Miak,
Please contact someone to evaluate your loved one. There should be a senior services in your area. Just give them a call and they will do a home visit and evaluate him and his home. They have many sources to help or maybe places you can persuade him to move to. This would help I would think. When did you guys move in? Have you been there long? Please look in the phone book and find a place that helps with senior citizens.
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brwthrs,
I am so sorry. I have to agree with mindingourelders, alcoholism is a disease. I have seen two people in my small town have the disease. They both also had cirrhosis of the liver. It was very difficult to watch them as they suffered. They may have started drinking but then the drinking took over them. They was not able to stop before it destroyed their bodies. It is like any other disease usually it takes over before you even know it. Hang in there girl we are here to listen to you each and every day. Just keep posting and hopefully the SS will arrive soon to help.
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brwthrs,
I am so sorry. I have to agree with mindingourelders, alcoholism is a disease. I have seen two people in my small town have the disease. They both also had cirrhosis of the liver. It was very difficult to watch them as they suffered. They may have started drinking but then the drinking to over them. They was not able to stop before it destroyed their bodies. It is like any other disease usually it takes over before you even know it. Hang in there girl we are here to listen to you each and every day. Just keep posting and hopefully the SS will arrive soon to help.
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I'm so sorry. He has a disease called alcoholism. People don't get that. It looks like he "brought it on himself." In some ways he did. But do people say that when someone has a heart attack because they are extremely overweight from emotional eating?

What caused Johnnie's problem isn't the issue, anymore. It's making what he has left of life as livable as possible. He's in for some tough times, and with your gentle heart, so are you. The whole family is. Please keep coming back to talk. Hopefully, SS will get on with the paperwork, now that they know his condition.

Blessings,
Carol
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Ok, I had to look it up, its cirrhosis of the liver. lol, sorry about the spelling.

Brenda
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Sorry that is psorosis of the liver
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Hi everyone, Had a really bad day yesterday, Took Johnny to the doctor and they now have all the test results. Not good. Johnny has Dementia of course but to add to that he has severe Psoriases of the liver, his pancreis is damaged be one repair, he has a blood clot in his brain and an inlarged heart. This has all be brought on by the drinking. The doctor says that since he doesn't have insurance that there is no need for him to see Johnny anymore, he will continue to fill his persriptions but there is nothing more that he can do for him. I cryed all day yesterday, and am still crying today. I know that he brought this on himself but I feel like if one more person tells me that, I will scream. I talked to his kids last night and told them if they want to see there dad and get to know him that they better do it now because there won't be much time left to do it later. So I will just wait and see if they want to see him. I'm trying to deal with my feelings about this and my husband won't believe it, he says he wants a second opinion, ok fine but this is the third doctor that he has been to.
I did talk to the attorney's office yesterday about the social securety and they said that they can do what is called a quick file in cases like Johnny's, so maybe we will get that taken care of soon.
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Welcome, Austin! You will find good people on this site, who know their version of your story. This kind of support helps so much. We'll also try to point you to resources, but the support is worth its weight in gold. Keep checking back. We'll be watching for you.

Carol
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I think this site is a lifesaver for us caregivers--most of the time we are a forgotten group except when something terrible happens that is what it took our local newspaper to run a story on caregiving and it's problems.
Hopeful
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Hi Miak,
This definitely is an Alzhiemer's cue, and you should get Social Services involved because of your daughter, or at least get the Alzheimer's Association to come over and do an assessment. This is too much for anyone to handle. Please call them.
Carol
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Does your Father have Alzheimer's disease or another form of dementia??? I can understand that you are upset... The situation you describe would upset anyone. People with Alzheimer's disease can be very inappropriate at times. It is part of the disease. Have you done much reading about Alzheimer's? I would get some support for yourself and talk with his Dr about some medications. I would also have the porn stations disconnected. If you have a 9 yr old child in this home it is not appropriate for anyone to be watching porn, in my opinion. And speaking from personal experience (I was molested at age 6) keep him away from her. It is possible that you need to rethink your decision to be his caregiver. Your child is your first responsibility, again that is my opinion. don't be too hard on yourself, obviously you have a good heart. take care and I do wish you well!!! J
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hello ladies it has been a while since i have written but i read your notes every day. Its been very bad here the last coulple of days . There sewage running down my kitchen wall i told my sister on monday again she put it on my husband to tell my dad about the problem . sister is having dad involved she is having him call the plumber he called one place today they dont do plumbing so he said he will call another place tomorrow, this mess wont be worked on till next week, why my sister cant call the plumber i kont know, my dad used the tv remote for a phone a few weeks ago no joke it took the tries before he figured out it wasnt the phone . and this is who is incharge of finding the plumber. Now im sure you all are wondering Why dont you call the plumber because, I CANT TO ANYTHING I AM TO STUPID they think i am i dont know what. im just the stupid slave, who moved in to this hell hole and clean his SHIT FILLED UNDERWEAR. OHH yea then theres the little problem of the electricity running in the water of the washing machine yes you read that right. I put my hand in to rinse the cap and felt electricall current in the water, plus if you add in that after my 90 yes 90 year old father meet his grandsons new grilfriend (shes29) he told my husband that (Sorry you may want to skip over this part it baaaaaaaaaad) that he should have sex with her first because that little boy doesnt know what to do. OHHH MY GOD HE IS WAY SICK AND DEMENTID. he watches porn every day i dont let my 9 year old daughter go upstairs by him or have any close contact with him . I began to see a phycogolist to deal with this he said with his alz and demt he could molest her its not out of the relm of possibilities. Help me. what have i got my self in to. I fell so bad for my husband he needs to see his elderly parent and we just have the money so we worried about that plus the crazy man up stairs I thank GOD EVERY DAY THAT IM ADOPTED . JUST MY LUCK ILL BE THE ONE WHO GET ELECTCUTED. MAYBE IT WOULD BE BETTER THAT WAY.
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It cut me off again! Roxie, I will be interested to hear how your mom does with the electric chair. I have avoided one for my mom because I was afraid that she wouldn't be able to operate one and that getting off and on would be a problem. Let me know how it goes. Have a good week end!
Brendalou
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Hi Roxie! am a high school English teacher. You probably can't tell that from my lousy typing skills! I am really looking forward to starting school agian. It lets me have conversations that don't involve bowel movements, medication or how cold it is in the house (80 degrees)! This has been a long, hard summer
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AH! Bless you
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Bless you for sticking with it. It's a long road, and people need help with it all. I did so much veteran's paperwork for my dad, and kept repeating and re-doing. It was a nightmare. You had a lot of gumption helping like you did. Those people were lucky to have you.
Carol
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