I am the one being cared for, not the caregiver...

BuzzyBee, what? You haven't planned a parade so that all the towns people can see what a wonderful guy your hubby is, with all the chores he is doing to help you... [sigh]

I have a moaner at home, too. He came from a spoiled family where his Mom took care of everything regarding the house, cleaning, cooking, etc. That was pretty much the norm way back when. So it's been a long and tiresome adjustment for him.

I'm in my 70's and was born in the wrong era. Going back a half century I was up in arms about equal pay, about hubby taking equal responsibly around the house since the both of us worked, but to him his job was way much harder than mine... so his weekends were for him to have fun, like watching sports. My weekends were for laundry, vacuuming, grocery shopping... I was having so much fun I couldn't stand it !!

I believe what happens as we get older, our dreams about retirement don't always pan out. There will be some illness or elder parents needing our help, that will thrown a wrench into the plans. Some people can adjust, some can't.

Hang in there.

It is really lovely to get a perspective from the cared-for person's point of view. Thank you for joining us, and welcome!

Have you and your husband got in touch with your local authority about support at home? You are both of you *entitled* to quite a range of services, starting with a needs assessment for you and a carer's assessment for your husband.

You are both on the young side, it's quite true. But even if not now, the time may soon come when it will be really helpful if you already know your way around things like carers' organisations, respite centres, memory cafés and so on.

Have you been referred by your GP to a Memory Clinic?

I'm 57, and my husband is 62, our situation is much like yours too, married over 30 years and I'm the one with mobility issues, arthritis in my knees and back.

He is a martyr, loves to "offer" to do most things around the house, the grocery shopping (though that is probably more about penny pinching, SQUEEK!!!, LOL). He's just Way more motivated than I am, and is a go better in regards to the house maintenance and upkeep. I'm the paper pusher, the home secretary, and the checks and balance gal.

We also just ended a long stretch of having his Dad live with us for the past 13 years, and took care of him on Hospice in our home for 9 weeks until his passing this last September, so after raising 4 kids, and the caring of our 4 parents until death, we are still in an adjustment period.

I think we often fall into roles in the household, where one just does more than the other, and let's face it, Men Love to Gripe!!! I think it's often how we communicate, we moan and bicker, for the sake of, well bickering!

I have to remind myself to Really thank him for all of the work that he does around the house, because Men just Need more accolades than women do, as we 'just get er done', because it needs getting done! I'm sure that in your younger years, you did Plenty to keep the home fires burning, and now the tables have turned, where it's you needing more than him in regards to your health needs. For better or worse and all that!

So, I would recommend doing a little more "gushing" (I need to remind myself to do this too!), and think of ways that we can show them our appreciation, as in ordering them something online that they really want, perhaps something for their hobby, or just a surprise package now and then, to show them how much we do appreciate them, as let's face it, their not likely to be going anywhere any time soon, and they do deserve to feel our thanks! Maybe on the days where you do feel up to tackling a particular job, just do it, and surprise the heck out of him!

I think you've got a Good one there, and it sounds like he does do a lot around the house! Beyond the normal fussing and griping, things could be a whole lot worse, like a drinker or womanizer! Affection and treats work every time!

Good Luck, and thank you for giving the Carter's perspective, as we don't see that on here very often!

Dear B u z z y b e e,
You are not alone. Hubs and I are in a crisis adjustment going on right now.
He has decided to do nothing at home. Guess I will be hiring a gardener soon.
His bike was stolen due to his carelessness, even after reminders. He goes through these stages several times a year.

My only option is to continue to throw things out the back door as I am able to clear clutter, and hire help to remove it.

I have considered divorce, still an option.

Other times he can be kind and massage my back and legs after I have over-exerted.

Stacey, great answer, I can relate.  Some good advice.  I get the opposite response necessary if I thank hubs, he thinks he is done helping.  So, I do thank him for stepping up to help US.

Countrymouse
Thank you. I am holding off on outside help yet but I will do the research on line and may be get some addresses and numbers. :) Not sure if I need the thinking (oops forgot the word - hehehe) memory clinic just yet. Just joking.


freqflyer
I was of same era. Worked full time. Took care of our three boys, did the house work etc. At least I said, first in starts the tea. Was ages before I realised I needed to go slower, so there was still some for him to do. lol Even longer ntil I finally said. I am stopping at 9pm every night and sitting down. He, of course already was.
Thank you :)

staceyb
We also did the caring part. His mum, my dad, then my mum. I do try to gush but it is so wearing sometimes. It makes me a bit depressed. Good job I am an optomist. I will fight my way back. I am just thankful I found this site. :)
Thank you

Sendhelp
Thank you for taking time to reply. I send you hope for a peacful future (which ever you decide) Just make sure it is right for you - both.

I think your hubby is showing signs of caregiver burnout - he is not a young man anymore. get in outside help for more of what hubby is currently doingl

I agree with Kimber. Time for outside help. I am 80 and this year decided it was time to give up some things, like being the only person to clean the house. With COPD your husband is not a well man, I think he would appreciate some assistance. Illness and tiredness can affect our dispositions.

It was a second marriage for each of us. He did some things (take care of the cars) and I did some things (laundry) and we took turns doing some things (meals, bills, taxes). We respected each other's time and felt we had relationship of equals.

And then he got dementia. He still wanted to do things but having a person with dementia up on a ladder cleaning gutters was simply not good sense. I hired a handyman, emphasizing that it was because he was "retired" and not because he was incompetent.

But now I had to do all the things I used to do in running the household, plus all the things he used to do, plus a whole new set of things to take care of his health. Talk about a triple whammy! So I can kind of understand your husband's tendency toward martyrdom. I did not give in to it, but I can understand it. Being a caregiver for a spouse sucks.

We were both angry about his illness. This wasn't fair to either of us, and it wasn't the fault of either of us. This is NOT how either of us pictured our sunset years! And we could gripe together about that, and be glad we had each other.

I wonder if you could turn the martyrdom into something more mutual?

"If I didn't do this it won't get done!"
"Yes, I know. It is really miserable that I can't do my fair share some days. I hate this COPD, and I hate that you have it too! This sure isn't what either of us envisioned when we promised for better or worse, is it? I am so grateful that so far you are able to keep us going. I hope that the next time this needs doing I'll be able to do it, or to at least help."

"If I didn't do this it won't get done!"
"I know and isn't it pitiful? I miss the days when I could be an equal contributor. Maybe it is time to bring in someone else to do some of these things. Between taking care of our parents and now my disabilities, I think it is time you deserve an easier retirement."

As Countrymouse says, start looking into things you are entitled to, and make the most of them. Even if you don't qualify for/need much now, it will be good to have your foot in the door if things deteriorate.

Keep in touch here. It is helpful to have the perspective of the person needing care.

I have tried to get him to let me arrange someone to help with the cleaning. We had them a week and he was going round after they had done (what ever) and re-doing it. He is a little ADD and did not like any of the things they did. As it was not how he liked it done. I said that we could explain HOW he wanted it done. His reply to that was "Its not the same" I think he missed it. I will try again.

Oh boy I just didn't realize my hubby had so many twins. 2-3 yrs ago ll kinds of illnesses caught up with me and hubby was wonderful in the days when I was really bad in hospital. Since then after the first day home I am supposed to be cured. Well I am not and now he has some real problems and directs me about what needs doing and how to do it. ' The stove needs more wood' That's enough don't over fill it" "Did you let the fire go out during the night" Before he got as sick as he currently is he would complain that he could not do everything round here if i asked him to go to the bank or get milk. I still need to use a cart in the grocery and need a handicapped space which are often full. he has hadicapped plates but chooses to park way up the lot"in case someone scratches his car"
Kimber get help now before you are so desperate you are too tired to make the arrangements..
There is a thread called "The whine thread" i think it should be renamed a whine a minute.

i also agree with Kimber. I think your husband is burned out, fed up and resentful. You both need help. I hope he will accept help.

You are very patient for putting up with his attitude and snotty rude comments for this long. I wouldn't blame you if you blew your top one of these days.

Buzy,
I am married to a grump. He’s pretty handy with engines and mechanical things.
Housework...No
Yard work...No
Electrical...No Way
Plumbing...No
Cooking...Not a good idea
Nurse...he can bring you water

Hubby has a very stressful job and has to travel a lot. He’s got a huge heart. He’s a good Dad. He makes me laugh. He makes me slow down and enjoy life. We bicker all-the-time. We have been married 37 years. We have joked that we can’t divorce because no no else would put up with either one of us.

I agree, if you are eligible for assistance go for it. You both deserve a break.

BuzzyBee, are there other people who notice your husband's demeanor? Does he act that way just around you or is it other people too? Just curious if he realizes that he is doing it. You said in your post that both of you forget words. Has he been diagnosed with any kind of cognitive decline? I agree about encouraging the outside help that would lighten his load, but, I would keep an eye on his demeanor. Sometimes, people can get unusually agitated, disagreeable or hard to please and it's due to a medical reason. Have you made any plans for the care of both you down the road? I wonder if he is concerned about that.

BuzzyBee, I've been trying to convince my now sig other about selling my house and moving to a 55+ community. But he doesn't want to hear it. For me it would make life at my age much easier.

ff, could you move and SO stay, and go back to a dating status? Might actually be fun!

Veronica91, your hubby could certainly drop you off at the door and you'll have your cart ready by the time he joins you from the distant parking spot. Sometimes both partners can get what they want/need, don't you think?

JeanneGibbs — That’s how my husband and I do it, he drops me at the door, I get the grocery cart/walker and he catches up with me in the store. That’s when I tell him we can spend time together. But in all honesty, he can shop faster and more efficiently by leaving me at home. He said this. So I perceive some impatience on his part.

We have begun the process of settling our estate and buying cremains "niches" and all that fun stuff--while we can do it and then we'll put it to rest.

One of the kind of shocking things that came up: What do we want in terms of care--if he gets sick before me (the most likely event) DH said 'Well, of course I'd expect you to care for me at home until I die". Fair enough, yes, I probably will and I expect that. Reverse that dynamic "what if I get sick and need care" Blank stare: ""I guess I will have to put you in care. I can't do it."

Ouch.

Well, at least he'd upfront and honest, I get to care for him and he'll have me placed.

(The kids will NEVER go for that, BTW).

Well, while I understand your situation, I know this is so common. Sometimes I think that had I done more or listened more, he would still be with me. My husband was older than I. He was retired and I was still working. I made great money and made sure we traveled a lot. He did All the cooking from day one. I had made pancakes once. Politely, he threw them away and became the cook. I too was born in a generation where we were a very different couple. I doubt you can change your man now and yourself for that manner. Do as much as you can you get enough help and don't make a big deal out of it. He will get used to the help from others. Before you know it, you will both be happy again. I pray it all works out. Remember, you both loved each other.

Buzy and everyone, what a good thread. Random comment to think about: make sure some comedy’s in the house on a regular basis. I don’t know if he’s a bit of a new addict, but it wil totally crap out the mood. A while back I was really getting down and committed to watching enough comedy shows, especially since many are about the simple challenges of home life. I know this sounds small, but I hope you’ll try it. Dig out some old favorites (streaming, DVDs from the library) or look through newer ones that have come out. Friends is a treasure if you haven’t watched from front to back, Big Bang Theory (all ages seem to love that show!), Frasier, and of course movies... depends on your taste. With all the dark shows and movies around, and our addiction to ‘reality’ and facts, I think it can be easy to forget to keep the light and silly in our lives. Wishing you well. :)

With what is going on in the news these days, I can't blame him for moaning there. Times sure has changed since the good o'l days. The thing is people are not good no more. Be glad you saw the 50's, 60's 70's where people still had good old fashioned values, helped a neighbor, and gave up the chair for the elders. Because these days people are nothing but A. holes and the world is filled with crime and stupidity not to mention the pollution, overcrowding, hunger, and don't forget all the political B.S. Well I am mentioning this from an american perspective but I am sure times have changed at least some for you. Sounds like you have had a good life compared to some. Watch the people on the news that are starving, being killed or abused and be glad your not one of them. Maybe strike up a conversation with your hubby about what is going on in the news when he is watching it. Maybe these things will make you feel better. 
I am sure your husband is wearing down and does not feel very good anymore and that alone will make him more irritable. It is probably getting hard on him.

Does he have any friends or outside interest? Walking buddies? Coffee out? Hobbies? Maybe he just needs a little diversion or anticipation. He could be burnt out with routine.

Lots of good comments and suggestions above. I am 71 and a nurse so have seen lots of caregiver situations. Let me first of all say that you are blessed to still have your husband with you and willing to do the work, even if he gripes about it. My husband passed away 3 years ago and there is no one here at all to help me. I shudder to think what would happen if I become incapacitated. As several have said above, men are not natural caregivers (usually), so they do tend to complain about it when they are stuck in that situation. And because of that, they need constant encouragement, thanks, and accolades for what they are doing. It's very good that you always tell him "thank you" when he does something. When he comes back with 'no one else will do it if I won't', do you ever come back with something (very lovingly) like "I know, and I am so grateful (or thank the Lord, or however you want to say it) that I have you here to help me. I don't know what I would do without you." They need that constant reassurance that what they are doing is appreciated. Plus always complimenting them in front of others about how much help he is gives him the feeling that he is respected for what he does. Men are big on needing respect. You also said you do the computer. Are you good at printing out things from the computer? If so, you could print out cute little thank you notes and leave them in places where he'll find them - on his pillow, in his dresser drawers, etc. Fun little surprises like that or ordering some little something online that he would like once in a while can perk up his day a little. Doesn't have to be expensive. And lastly, any caregiver, no matter the age or physical condition, needs a break once in a while. Do you have anyone (friend, relative, etc) that could sit with you once a week so he could go out for a while - to a movie, or lunch with a friend, or golfing? That break can go a long way towards refreshing and refiring him to go at it again for another week - gives him something to look forward to.

Buzzybee,
The housekeeper sounds great. The reason is, if hubs went around re-doing it after them, it would still be clean, cleaned twice?

BuzyBee, My Mom recently passed from cancer. During the past 5 years, she had been unable to get around due to major arthritis and the horrible cancer spreading through her body. While Dad was healthy enough to get around, he has dementia. SHE was the one paying the bills, fixing his meals. He would 'simply' take her shopping list to the store and bring back the groceries for her to do the rest. His dementia made him say things to her like, "why can't you do anything... get out of bed, you're lazy...". She, somehow, understood better than I, that it was his brain disease making him say those things, and in her last days was worried more about him than her pain. Since she passed away, he talks daily about how much she did for him and how much he loved her.... he knew all along how much she did for him; I wish she would have heard him say it instead of the 'bully-sounding' remarks. I hate what dementia does to them. Stay strong and loving, and if you don't feel appreciated, deep down - - he does appreciate you!

Hey BuzzyB - I am the caregiver but I am blessed that DH doesn't point out anything I have neglected to do. I have to say, this helps me enormously! I do what I can and the rest can "fall to the wayside" as far as I'm concerned. If it isn't absolutely necessary, it can wait.

When I met DH, it was after his turn at caregiving for his first wife, bedridden for 2 years, sickly for much longer. One of his first comments to me is, "I come first - everything else can wait. Dishes, cleaning, everything. If I want to go for a ride, I want to go for a ride."

I remember telling him that it was a terrible thing to say to a lazy person, lol. However, this set us up for what was inevitable. After 32 years together, he is 96 and now he is the one that needs help all the time. Thankfully, housework can still wait. I clean what I can and simply refuse to worry about things I can't get to today. Like our lawn wasn't mowed for weeks because I couldn't leave his side for even 30 minutes. (He was sent home from hospital to die 2+ years ago.)

Try telling him to leave stuff and come sit with you. It worked wonders when DH said that to me. He'd say, "leave the dishes - they'll still be there in the morning - come lay down on the couch and I'll rub your feet." Now that is showing appreciation and was appreciated by me.

If he pointed out everything I missed instead of being thankful for what I can and have done, I probably would have killed him, lol, instead of caring for him to the best of my abilities.

Of course, the flipside to the coin is it could be him that is so particular about everything being done "just so" and then it isn't really your problem. Let him rant if it keeps him sane.

IMO, I perceive that some caregivers view their loved one as a person without feelings or rights. It is a way of distancing one's true feelings from the reality of caregiving. While I am not taking the husband's side, I wonder if he is angry about his responsibilities. Sarcasm often masks deep-seeded anger, resentment, and powerlessness. He may not be aware of true feelings about being a caregiver, as it is a role burdened with cultural stereotypes and behavioral norms. IMO, anger at a loved one is not acceptable behavior for a caregiver.
My comment is not an excuse! I own memory loss caregiving biz and live with 86 year old man, who I believe has symptoms of FTD. While I am empathetic with my clients, I find myself "losing it" when I come home. But I have learned that my anger and impatience solves nothing because I am dealing with a person who has deep psychological problems. I have learned to "let it go" because all too often my displeasure over small stuff does not result in a change in my partner's behavior. Now, I feel victimized much less often.
It might help the original poster to make a list of ways she can reduce her dependence on her husband as a way of taking back control over her life in small ways. Also, she might learn the art of detachment towards unimportant "stuff."
BTW, I suspect my post will be unpopular.

You sound like a delightful person. Can you joke with him? When he says well nobody else will do it, what would he do if you tell him you could put an ad in the paper.

Do you and hubby get out to do anything "fun" on a regular basis? Play cards or dominoes with a friend/neighbor, go out for dinner, belong to a club, etc? Maybe if you could work some "fun" activities into your lives, it would be easier to get him to accept help around the house SO THAT YOU CAN GET OUT AND ENJOY YOUR LIVES A BIT! I have watched my mom and many aunts/uncles grow old and go through similar things that you are going through. In my opinion, part of the complaining is because they have nothing better to do. They watch the news or all these crappy "talk shows" that are nothing but trash....and let's face it, the media LOVES to focus on the bad stuff because it gets more attention than good stuff. So it is only natural that someone who is constantly exposed to this stuff gets "moody" to match. Try turning off the TV and tuning into some nice music, or get some books on tape to play....maybe something funny, or "light" in nature. But I really think that getting outside the house, to enjoy some activities, would make a huge difference. I notice it with my mom....when she is out and about doing things, she is happy. When she is stuck at home, just watching TV or conversing with friends who are also stuck at home and cranky, she gets cranky. And very gossippy!

Wow, makes me grateful to be alone. I was widowed at age 23 with two babies to raise alone. Youngest child deceased, older autistic and can scarcely deal with herself. I have rcently acquired help but prefer doing things myself. I have no memory issues and live in an independent living senior apt. Would love to get out of this if I could afford it. The management is always in our business. I sympathize. My best friend had a husband who got angry when she got ill. Thanks, Buddy. I would use some humor with him but would definitely get some caregivers.