I am the one being cared for, not the caregiver...

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I am almost 73 (so not that old). I forget words sometimes but can usually get them back. He is the same.
I am not that mobile (can get around a little for short whiles) Have bowel, tummy, arthritis problems and COPD. Not yet on oxygen.
Husband is 76 and is my unofficial carer. He also has diabetes (which I help control with food ordered) and Mild COPD (He goes walking which helps)

Right here I go with my little rant - sorry. I think I sound like a pathetic ungrateful moaner.

My husband does most of the things round the house. We share cooking but apart from computer and paperwork (which I do) he does ALL the rest.

My gripe is he is a martyr to it. Every time he does anything, I always say Thank You. His comment is, well no one else will do it if I don't. He is quick to anger (always has been) but his comments are getting more and more nasty. If the news is on the tv he moans about everything ALL THE TIME. It does not sound like much but it is constant and wearing me out. I am the iron - I keep things smooth if I can, but it is hard.

I have got in outside help for gardening and window cleaning (which I had to persuade him was for me) We have a friend (who I trust - that I pay to decorate)

We are not on any benefits - just pensions (although we do get a free tv licence) I live in England.

All I need to say now is

Not sure if this even warrants a reply for you lovely people.
Thank you for being here - saves me cracking up

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BuzzyBee, your comment reminds me of an observation I had last year. The men always seem to find time to play sports. The women seem to always be cleaning up or taking care of the kids and they are exhausted. Not that men don't watch the kids, but they combine it with something else they want to do more. Their mothers set the stage by cleaning up after them and then their wives give up and eventually their daughters care for them in old age. I know this is a generality and there are outstanding exceptions.
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Golden23.......I was going to say the same thing about hubby not feeling well. When you have just the start of COPD you aren't getting enough oxygen. put doing a lot of work on top of that and you start to get a little cranky.....ok, a lot of cranky. I am a caregiver to 95 yr old father but have taken care of both in laws until their passing, took care of my mom with dem/alz. until her passing last year, my sister for a while until her passing and also have a grown son living with us and young grandsons that are with us 3 1/2 days a week or if they are sick take care of them. I can't remember who posted about retirement looking different but boy is that the truth. I used to dream of the day we could get in the car and just go. Hmm, yeah....that hasn't happened yet in 8 years. And i have to say I'm pretty bitter a lot of the time. I'm usually pretty easy going and used to love going out to movies or eat but anymore I pretty much want to sit in my chair and pray the phone doesn't ring or anyone bothers me. I'm sure my husband who retired 2 years ago and is having a great retirement playing golf 3 days a week is getting tired of asking if i would like to do whatever and my answer is no. He helps out where he can and is NOT a complainer (I make up for it:)) Not sure where I am going with this but if your husband is not feeling well even though his COPD is not that bad yet it really can effect your life (my mother in law had it terribly for 20 years) not to mention his diabetes. I say bring in help. Sounds like you both are needing a break from your lives a bit. Maybe think about moving somewhere you would have more help......retirement community, assisted living (no yard work, cleaning, 3 meals a day cooked for you). Just a thought. No, 73 and 76 are not that old but when you are needing help, you are needing help. Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy the rest of your lives instead of being on edge all the time.......yeah......I would love that! Good luck and God Bless
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BuzzyBee, love that name, I can just see you buzzing around from one task to another🐝.
If dear hubby doesn't like to ask, perhaps you can set it up that so and so has asked if she/he can come in weekly, monthly, whatever the need and do (fill in the blank) for us, can we allow her/him to help us in that way, giving to others kind of thing. Just a thought, sometimes we have to be creative in how we deal with difficult situations. I have to say that I think both you and your husband are very Blessed to have each other. Of course he is going to grump and grouch occasionally, we all do. Some of us just do it without an audience, so no one sees it. The Bible says "a soft answer turns away wrath". This is how I deal with my grumpy old man. I look at what he does for me as the male way of expressing love, that is how they do it, not sweet words or emotions, action is a man's voice of love. Sister, this man loves you, by all he does everyday he is telling you that. Maybe his grouch and grumble are his expression of fear, maybe he fears losing you, maybe he fears something will happen to him and then who will care for you. My man doesn't talk of these things but, after living with someone for 25 years and loving them, you learn to see the unspoken. Love him and thank him and praise what he does for you and let him know how lost you'd be without his love and care. You will figure it out and find the proper balance. Maybe ask a friend to help you surprise him with his favorite meal as a thank you for all you do everyday to keep us and our life together. He deserves it. You deserve it as well. God Bless You and your husband on this journey.
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My husband is also one of those that will redo things that have already been done. When we were 1st married, almost 40 years ago, he worked on the family dairy farm. Come Saturday morning when he got up for chores I started cleaning our one bedroom apartment. By the time he got home I was working on my laundry from working in a bank. I had already dusted vacuumed and washed floors. He would come in the door change out of barn clothes and redo the vacuuming and floors. After several weeks of feeling like I wasn’t doing it right I gave up and to this day I no longer vacuum or wash floors. He complains that no one else does it but I’m not about to go down that road again.
I do the cooking and most of the shopping. Barely a thank you or acknowledgement that it was done. On the rare occasion that he cooks you’d think he’d performed a miracle! Constant questions about how it tastes, details about how he did it, more questions about how he did and patting himself on the back for what he did. Mind you he’s not much of a cook and it’s fairly limited to Taco meat and Mac & Cheese. His one attempt at meatloaf was served extremely undercooked and over salted.
He will not ask for help with outside chores and then complain to me that our son never helps him. When I do push him to ask it’s always at the last minute when other plans have already been made. I doubt he will ever change, not much hope after all this time, and will probably only get worse as time goes on. Lately noticing signs that we may be going down the road of memory issues.
I guess my only advice would be to work on not letting the grumbling get to you. When mine starts I ask him what his plan is to change things so he’s not as burdened. Do we need to think about other living arrangements so there is not so much to take care of. That usually stops him for a while.
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Just a little update.

We are lucky enough to have quite a few good friends/visitors. Mostly his friends. So all is good there. He can repeat everything for them and then he feels good again (for a short while at least) I do joke with him occasionally (when he is getting close to exploding) I can divert, cajole etc. BUT I mentioned getting someone in to do a little hoovering, just an hour a week and guess what. OUTRIGHT NO!! We have a younger friend that will pop round to do heavy stuff if I ask (he wont ask - he expects everyone to offer) He forgets they have lives of their own.

Some good stuff here. I really do appreciate all your feedback/s
Thank you
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Hey guys hear a word of advice, take from someone who married an alcoholic, I put 40 yrs into my man, I’ve worked and took care of our house, and raised our son, I never depended on my man, and never quit my job. Like I’ve said I’ve had four surgeries and a baby, I never received help. The day I came home with our son I cooked dinner. Right then I knew I was screwed, and on my own. And it took 40yrs but I’m not his door mat!!! And I voice my opinion a lot. Hey if you let them treat you bad they will. I just never depend on him!!!! Keep that in mind, if you need surgery, line up help, because they won’t help. Don’t be disappointed, be prepared. Yuki
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FF how many batchelors do you know? I don't think I know any. Unmarried men I know are either widowed or gay
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freqflyer: That's funny.
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I remember when my dad retired, he'd frequently give my mom a rundown of the things he'd accomplished. (Well, I emptied the dishwasher, took the trash out, wiped down the counter, etc.) My normally lovely and sophisticated mom got so tired of hearing about things that she'd done for 50 years without ever mentioning them or getting much (if any) recognition, that one day she turned around and said 'Whaddya want, a medal?' I think that pretty much put an end to it. Although, if she were here, she'd probably disagree!
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hang in there it will work out sooner or later.
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