Hope I Can Hang On For Them
My first time on here. I read a article on here somewhere and she said "shes driving me crazy!" that's me but in my case "he's driving me crazy!" I couldn't help laughing ( I sure needed that as don't laugh much anymore. I am primary care giver to my father with Alzheimer's and prostate cancer. And also a brother with neck and lung cancer. I had to take my father in about a year ago, just after getting myself together after husbands death from cancer. Her statements of kitchen closed and "this isn't the Ritz" got to me as when asked for a milkshake for breakfast when I've made pancakes (from scratch) to him I give a reply of "nice to dream." And many times I've said this isn't a restaurant when he wants a meal made in seconds. I've said if you want it raw I'll bring it to you now then. The crazyness goes on and on. Like him emptying out all of closets and drawers and piling the clothes in a mountain on his bed! I finally had to give up on putting them all away as he does that over and over. I'm to tired. Wash him,cut his hair, nails, dress him and as said wait on him hand and foot. The bed has to be changed every day and sheets washed as totally soaked even though I duct tape 2 extra large bed pads on and have him in pull ups and a extra pad inside. Also he is very hard of hearing and my voice is almost gone from yelling the same thing over and over for him to hear what I said. Might as well talk to the wall which I've done a few times.
My nerves are shot. I call myself Slave Girl now and seem to clean pee and the other all day and waiting on them hand and foot. I've heard that care givers sometimes die before the person they are taking care of. And I can see why now. I don't know how much more I can take but keep trying. I also took care of my mother for about 10 years while trying to raise a young child. It seems that thats all I have done for half of my life is take care of everyone but no one else would.
I have health problems and need care myself and often ask who will take care of me? Never had a reply but I am the end of my family line. So there will be no one there for me after all I have done for others.
I love my family but I'm going insane and cry quite often. I don't know why I'm writing this to strangers but I'm so tired all the time and possibly don't know what I'm doing. Maybe venting a bit. I don't know anything anymore as my head seems to be spinning from everything. And counting out pills for all every day, including my own.
My father was always so strong, we would have a few beers together, go to the casinos , laugh. I took a picture of him when he was 90 drinking what was to be his last beer as "lost his taste for it." I love that picture. He's 92 and 1/2 now and such a different person. What happened , I ask myself. I'm tired and probably regret writing this for the world to see. But I think I may be losing my mind possibly, so sorry if this bothered anyone. What stage is this I wonder on Alzheimer's ? Doctors are even more confusing with what they say as all different.