Holiday Blues 2017

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It has been a while since I have posted. I was my gmas primary caregiver as per requested by her daughter aka my mommie dearest. "She has been more of a mother to you than I have. Quit your job so I can pay you 1500 and you won't have to deal with bull from people. (Constant harrassment from customers and sucky management. Overworked and not enough hours) Anyway fowarded 6 month later. I have been clocking hours for gmas long term care policy from state farm. But every check it gets split 3 ways, my gmas allowance, then for my mother (which has joint account with her mom and had joints with me) then the last part was mine. But I was never given full amounts. My mom told me gma was supposed to supply me the rest of the 500 owed. Whenever I was negative she would tell me then ordered me to fix it myself. In the short time I had quit to take care of gma and my uncle in the house I grew up in(house is in my name) she has taken money from me in front of me while handing me my own earnings. I have diareies of everything she has said and done and promosed to do but never followed through. She talked to me telling me she would quit her job and the family(step dad and 3 lol bros) would move back in with us so I "can have more independence" she wanted to cram the clan back in a house way too small. My mom and George would live in the garage. Long story long now, mommie dearest had been calling me a b*** for some time because she doesn't know me well enough to ask how I feel when I am grieving over family deaths. My anxieties and stress has been so bad all I have done was cry and be snippy. So I am a b*** for telling mom to Google an address and she talked s*** about me to my gma and George. I had confronted her on why no one handles me then she screamed at me that every one can't handle me. I said well I wonder where I got it from I got it from you. She follows me into my room and continues to yell and scream entitlements like I am your mother you can't speak to me like that. After all I have done for you. All my life I took care of everyone and I felt like s***. I have let my health go and living in that house I grew up in was and is still a toxic environment. I snapped in the moment and physically fought my mother for the first and last time. Took George a good min to separate us. All my life I was told I was never good enough (you're so pretty but you'd be beautiful if you lost weight) emotinally absent mother and she has control issues. That Sunday night I came home to see all my personal identity(paintings, books, stuffed animals even my dirty laundry basket) all in big heafty trash bags and in the garage. The only thing left was the long term care paperwork. I looked forward to cleaning my own room my mom and I destroyed during the altercation. My brothershows up the next morning and saud I couldn't be there. My moms flying monkey had called my dad to inform that I had returned. I packed what I could and had left. I tried to explain how much I endured but no one wanted to hear it. My mom is the queen and is untouchable. She even told her cousins half truths of how the fight initially started. Her smear campaign was that she found a weed pipe in my room and which is why we fought so bad. She left out the parts where zhe called me a b***. When she knew I was grieving (two people in my life had passed earlier in the week) my bio father had text me that day about my great uncle passing. And he is hung up on his ex(my mother) so he ordered me to tell her which I stupidly did. Anyway I havent gone back into my house. I had help to gather the rest of my things. It's not fair to my gma, my mom is hoarding her money and taking all she can. She would talk about my gma to me like she want in the room. I told her many times not to because she isn't dead yet. Last I had seen her on Friday she has a web cam where she sleeps, eats and lives in the living room. My uncle who is also impaired is caring for her. I am of course welcomed back and everyone wants me back(because I did everything) "you do more for my kids than I do." The emotional abuse I endured growing up has really messed me up. Had undergone gastric sleeve surgery to lose weight and it still wasn't enough for her. "You look bigger" or she would ask me about tummy tuck knowing I had no money. I am still in major debt from student loans and med bills. How am I supposed to pay house taxes if I didn't have a full time job? I have yet to talk to my mother. She still calls me her favorite daughter when I am the only one. My dad is now on a new topic to circle around. I feel like s*** for having it escalated that way. I am neither like my mother nor like my father. I refuse to take advantage of anyone. I am 27 and feel like I wasted so much time. If only I had spoken up sooner so I wouldnt have snapped like I did. But I was going down a very dark road if I stayed in that house. Everyone tells me I did the right thing by leaving. I am still trying to process this


Dear Mila,

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you have gone through in your young life. You did the right thing by leaving. You are a young woman with so much life still ahead of you. You did what you thought was right till it became intolerable. It takes a long time to work through our thoughts and feelings after going through so much. Be kind to yourself. We are all here to listen and support you.

Sending you love and hugs.
Thank you very much for your kind words. I have been reading all I could on toxic families and have a personal journal that asks questions about me. (Which I have trouble finding) but am well on my way to healing. I am in a safe place with people I trust. Since then I was able to interview and still waiting for a call back for a new job. And all the while trying to keep my self confidence that I could do it. I want to thank everyone on this site and appreciate the advice and compassion everyone give one another. My faith in this online group is strong even though I am not a frequent poster or commentator. I try to give my perspective and push for honest and open communication. The people who truly support one another usually never make eachother feel invalid. I appreciate such people and I value them very highly. That is respect.

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