I'm feeling guilty and very sad that I had to put my mother in an assisted living facility today.

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After 6 long years of keeping my mother in her home in spite of 2 broken hips,one broken arm and a pacemaker,today my heart is heavy because she is in a ALF. I could no longer do it. I am alone with no help except the ladies that have come and gone like a revolving door,who i have paid to live and care for her.But she has a very abusive side and will scream insults,throw items,or even attack you when she is angry. I am emotionally drained by letting her place so much guilt on me. I cannot continue hiring women who have even called the police about her abuse. She lies and says its "them" they are all mean,lazy good for nothing women. Did I tell you she is
lucid, with no memory or dementia conditions?
She has always been a very strong willed,controlling woman,but as with all who are in her age group 88 years,it has become totally out of control. She will tell anyone off no matter where or who it is. She is on Xanax,and does have emotional problems for quite some time now. But she refuses to take her meds at times,of course she intimidates the woman caring for her and gets her way. Baths are a mission,again she will manipulate the women,so no bath. My husband and family say I have changed,to the point I needed to start antidepressants
I am the only living family she has,my father and brother passed away .As I write this I can imagine her first night away in a strange bed with strangers and not feeling safe. Gosh how I pray this could have been different. My faith sustains me and the love of Jesus has kept me from giving up completely. I love you Mom,but you are safe and cared for.


Beba: we all have to remember that being a good child means doing what is best for our parents. Good for you for recognizing that you could no longer care for her safely at home. Your Mom also made it clear that this situation was not working by continually repelling anyone who came in her midst. DO NOT beat yourself up over it.
I, too, am trying to help my Mom stay in her home. It is getting so difficult lately because she seems to undo everything I work so hard to set in place. We live in a small town and caregivers and services are so hard to come by. Of course, because Mom does none of the "footwork" she does not realize how much of my time it takes.
I just looked into an ALF too. It was clean, safe, and would provide my Mom services and socialization that she now lacks. Please consider that you provided these things for your Mom.
I do not know which is more stressful: taking care of your parents directly, or worrying about them when a facility placement is necessary.
Remember, you dedicated 6 years of your life to the care of your Mom - and you will continue to care for her. But now both you and your Mom will have a new life.
Oh my dear Lord, beba53 I so how you feel, but when you've done all that you can even thru the abuse God is smiling on you. The bible says to honor our mother and father and you/we out here have and are doing that. Honoring them does not mean giving up your life, we have to know our limits and respect them. You mention that you are married, imagine how your husband feels seeing you so stressed out. It's ok to think of yourself, your husband and other family members who need you too.
I was telling a dear friend that I beleive it's the ties to the umbiblical cord that makes it hard to separate our emotions from our intelligence. Your mom may throw a hissy fit for a while in attempts to manipulate you, stay strong no matter what she says. My mother complains about EVERYTHING!!! They clean too much, they feed you too much, they are control monsters. No its she thats the control monster!! She wants what she wants when she wants it how shw wants it, like a spoiiled brat very unlike the way she allowed us to be. It's so hard talking to her, i just want to visit, take her shoping, let her have a day her way but its so full of non stop complaining I just want to avoid her. Then I feel the guilt coming on but I'm constantly praying to God to help me be free from guilt, I have litterally done all that I can do short of giving up my life. I have a sister who is totally absent, my husband has been wonderful but enough is enough especially when you know you've done all you can do here, You are a beleiver, let God do his work, as long as we continue to try to handle these tough situations we are not allowing the creator to finsh the story.
Amen to lilliput.
I am so sorry, its very hard. Im looking into doing the same however my mother is much younger, 60 i too am the only family she will have soon as my father is very sick and may only last a few weeks. I hope everything works out and you have to do whats right for you at some point.
You're taking on guilt for something you are not guilty of. You did not make your mom the way she is. You can't, as much as you want to, control her nor can you fix her. All you can do is make sure she is safe and cared for, but not through yourself under the bus for her. It sounds like you might find a trained therapist helpful in dealing with this guilt and feeling good about taking better care of yourself. You have your husband and your own family. They don't need to be thrown under the bus either. Please get some help with emotional boundaries and take care of yourself. Your life currently sounds like it is on a downward spiral that is almost bottomless if you keep going in that direction for you sound very lost in emotional and psychological F.O.G., i.e. fear, obligation and guilt which only lead to much darkness, pain and more suffering.
One of my hardest lessons about caring for my dad was that guilt is not love. Guilt is something we lay down at their feet to be used to manipulate, shame, and control. He was placed in an ALF because no one could do anything to suit him. I would go visit, sometimes take him to the Dr. take him to town to get some things he wanted. I would put on my "I can do this" face,, go do it, then scream and cry all the way home.My most painful lesson was that he was never going to be the loving father that I wanted and needed. I made up my mind to have no regrets. I did what I could do, when I could do it, and when he died I was able to look myself in the mirror and know I gave him what I had to give. Just remember guilt is not love... hope you take care of yourself with all this...hugs to you today
You did the right thing - for her and yourself. Don't look back. Keep moving forward one day at a time. She'll adjust and might just like it. They don't realize how isolated and lonely they are confined to their own home and dependent on strangers for their care. We had to move my mother-in-law into assisted living when she was turning 90. The first evening we left her hysterically crying and begging for us to take her home. After 2 weeks we had to make an appointment to visit her because she didn't want us showing up and interrupting her activities (bingo - crafts - hairdresser - book club etc). She had 2 1/2 wonderful years in assisted living. And we had peace of mind.
You've given so much already - let your family help you return to your own life. They're letting you know they miss you.
Throw off the guilt - this truly is best for all of you. In trying to give our parents the life they want, we often end up sacrificing ourselves, our own families and often our health. This is unreasonable. You've tried every alternative to keep her at home and that hasn't worked.
My mom had her life the way she wanted except for a few years in her 70's. She manuevered herself into living with my sister part time, me part time. My sis kept trying to get more time with her husband but dealt with Mom's resentment and jealousy. Well, Mom's still hale and healthy, and my sister just lost her husband. I know that in her raw grief, she regrets time she kept wanting to spend joyfully with her husband but didn't because Mom was so emotionally demanding of her. Yes, you are her only family, but you are the only wife and mother your clan has, and they are your first obligation. You have a husband, maybe kids and grandkids who want YOU, joyfully and with them. Throw off the guilt, hug your dear husband and savor the time God has blessed you with.
Very true and sadly true for those who see it after the fact. Nowhere in the wedding vows does either person say when their parents get old they will forsake their spouse and cleave to their mom or dad, but I read it here taking place all too often.
I have read all of your feedback and AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!! I am about to cry. You are my support system,I dont have one!!!! Thank you so very much for the wise,kind,understanding,loving,caring words that have given me RELIEF to know I made the correct choice. You are all a God Send. I would have never guessed in my wildest thoughts that I could feel so wonderful by reading all your posts . God is truly amazing when he sent me to this site ,I was praying for a way to validate what I had done...and he showed me :all of you.
Bless you all.
I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I'm an only child caring for my widowed mother who is 82 and has Alzheimer's. She is so nasty to me because she has no one else to blame all of this on.

I tell you that only to show you that I do understan how you feel. The others are right..you have done everything you could for her. Your husband and family need you too. And, hopefully, you will find in the not too distant future that your mother truly is happier there. She may make friends and find a new lease on life. It happens.

In my case, I really believe my mother would be better off in an ALF for the socialization and nutrition. But, right now, I can't bring myself to do it because I want to know that I've done EVERYTHING I could to keep her at home for as long as I possibly can. Like you did.

You've set a very good example for me!

Speaking of support...I would strongly suggest you look for a support group for caregivers. I joined one a few months ago and it has saved my sanity. Like what you've found here, you're not alone. Your feelings are normal. Your experiences are not unlike those of many others. There is much comfort in that!

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