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Well, my sister just sent me the link to this site. I was amazed at some of what I read. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles.

I have a mother that is relatively young (68), legally blind and diabetic. I moved her from San Antonio to my town in Missouri last year so that I could help her get her life back in order. I had been financing her life for the 7 or so months prior to the move (rent, food, etc.), paid for her bankruptcy (her 3rd, mind you), moving expenses, blah blah blah. It had grown to an insane amount of money in a very short period of time. I figured that it was better to move her up here where I could help keep an eye on her spending, her health, and all the rest. I was WRONG.

She lived with me the first two months, and the fact that one of us isn't buried in my back yard is a miracle. She has, in the span of a year and a half, taxed my emotional health and finances to the point that I'm about ready to divorce her, so to speak. There are never any sincere thank you's from her, no attempts on her part to either be more responsible with her money or to take better care of her health... and if I try to prod her in the right direction in either area, I am locked in combat with a woman who uses guilt trips and verbal abuse as a means to ending an argument that she can't win in any other way. She is constantly angry, self-pitying, selfish, and demanding. She expects me to spend my time, no matter what, taking her on whatever errands she needs to run, even though the Area Agency on Aging has told her repeatedly that they will provide her with free taxi vouchers to take her to whatever 'necessary' (they qualified this as grocery store, doctor, social security office, etc.) errands she needs to run. But she told me point blank that I'm her daughter and that's what I'm there for... that she shouldn't have to do things on her own just to 'make my life easier'. She destroyed the carpet in my guestroom when she was here for two months (brand new house) and feels no guilt about it at all.

I've got a lot of old anger issues with my mother, most regarding things that she put me through when I was growing up (physical, verbal, emotional abuse... neglect... blah blah blah), but I've still tried to do the right thing and care for her as well as I could. But that being said, I don't know how much longer I can continue having her in my life when she just seems intent on sucking me both financially and emotionally dry. Up until two months ago, I was still paying her rent every month at her apartment, buying her groceries, etc., and then found out that while I'm doing all that because she's 'broke', she was buying out QVC and sees nothing wrong with it. She refuses to manage her diabetes the way she's supposed to, eating a half-gallon of ice cream at a time and then going off on me when I tell her I'm concerned about her health and don't want her to eat that way. I get the same reaction when I tell her I want to help her clean up her space (she lives in filth and an unbelievable amount of clutter. Seriously unbelievable.) so that she can be happy and healthy. She's on all kinds of medication for her heart, her diabetes, her migraines, etc., but my sympathy is almost completely used up because so many of these issues are issues she wouldn't have, or not to the degree she does, if she'd just LISTEN and take care of herself.

*sighs*

I'm really sorry to go on like this, but I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty if I leave her to her own devices, but it honestly feels like she's killing me bit by bit every day. When confronted, she plays up the 'everyone's picking on me' angle, since she thrives on being the victim. She lies to everyone, she... God, what am I going to do? I don't want to hate her, but I'm afraid that that's what I'm going to be left with if something doesn't change. I have two siblings, one who tries to help as and when she can and one that does absolutely nothing. The one that does nothing? Mom still defends and dotes on HER. Isn't that always the way?

Any advice at all on how to either help my mother or keep my head glued on would be most welcome. Again, sorry for the length of my post.

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Dear Dear Nola, whew! Has your Mom been diagnosed with any dementia? It sounds like she may have some. She sounds a lot like my Dad, who has dementia before he was diagnosed, and before I suspected his having it. You are an angel to do for your mother the way you have, and don't feel guilty for the feelings you are having. All of us here have exactly the same feelings and issues as you. If she doesn't have any dementia (sounds like she does though) then she is on the path to self destruction. It may make things more complicated, but it might stop the progress of self destruction. You could file a complaint with social services, of self neglect, there is such a thing, as far as health, finances, personal safety, etc. Good Luck, and let us know how things are going. Praying for you, nauseated
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Thank you for the concern and kind thoughts. No, Mom hasn't been diagnosed with dementia. The sad thing is, she's been like this, for the most part, all her life. Sure, it's gotten worse in the past 5 or 10 years, but by and large this is an ongoing problem.

I had no idea there was a 'self neglect' issue that could be raised with social services. I'll definitely look into that.

Thanks again :)
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Wow, your situation sounds exactly like mine. I have Durable Power of Attorney and I had to get a letter from my Mom's doctor stating that she could no longer handle her finances in order to become the Representative Payee for her social security check. I now have control of her finances, pay her bills, etc.

You may want to think about doing that. Also, if you can't take anymore, you may want to put her in an Assisted Living Facility. Medicaid will pick up the balance of the tab if her income isn't enough. Call your local Department of Family Services for help or the people at the assisted living facility can give you more information.
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I too have recently been given guardianship/conservatorship, this makes things a lot less complicated for all involved. I have been finding out that most of these issues I have had to resolve on my own. Everytime I tried to get help from others it either took too long, or they did not follow through on what they said they were going to do, so I have been doing EVERYTHING on my own, it's faster, and you learn more about how things work. Nauseated
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Hi Nola,

Your mother may have a personality disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Check out Karyl McBride's new book Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

I am working on the theory that my mother suffers from NPD. Unfortunately there is no way to treat it. Over the last 5 years of "caring" for my mother, I have learned to take care of myself and limit my interaction with my mother so that I only help her with her aging issues and not her mental disorder.
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Yes, their issues are multi-layered at times, aren't they. Regardless of how they're labeled, oftentimes, our loved ones need our help. It is noble and honorable to step in, even against their protests. They don't always recognize their own needs. You ladies and gentlemen are heroes! As you step into the caregiving role, be firm but gentle, loving, and full of grace and mercy. It's a calling, and God doesn't call the equipped, but equips the called. Serve faithfully, knowing that you are doing what's right. And don't forget to take care of yourselves, as well. Blessings, all!
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I also know that God already knows that we are equipped to handle the job, and that's why we have the job. It only makes us stronger.
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nola, you are NOT alone. i have the exact same issues with my mom. i do hate her now. she has been here for 11 monhts, and i have had zero help outside of baths from hospic's. and if i hear one more time that i am doing a noble and honorable thing again from anyone i will scream. i do not want to this anymore. especailly after doing all i have for 11 months with someone telling you, you don't do anything for me, you are spending all my money, ( she never had any) it was spent on cigrettes and chips. and used clothes from amvets..i promised my father but this is not what i thought it would be. i too have spent so much money and time on her and she gets pissed and throws things at me, or hits me, or tries to bite me. she is a she devil..
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Dear Joyd, I am sorry. No disrespect. I understand your feelings. I am glad you found a safe place to vent. I, too, feel like quitting some days. But my Mom needs me, even though she hates becoming dependent on my help. She sent me a birthday card last week saying she didn't want to be my dependent and knows I don't like helping her. I have compassion for her, but not always warm fuzzies, if you get my drift... It's hard; terribly hard to help a whining, angry, bitter, cantankerous person; especially my Mom who was often mean, when I needed love. I want to quit some days (like yesterday), but I don't trust my sibling. And she only comes around at her convenience. I resent my life going away, but I am now a servant to Mom. Some day my son will be mine, if I live long enough. I could hire caregivers for Mom, but I'd have to watch them. I feel for you. I hope you can get some help. You sound tired, Joyd. Thanks for sharing your struggles with us. I hope it helps to vent, and pray things get better for you.
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I feel that each one of us knows when it's time to place our parents. I don't think it's fair that our lives have to be put on hold to deal with such abuse. This is why me and my husband have invested in purchasing long term care insurance, because I don't want my children to have to take care of us.

I believe that when it gets to a specific point where we can't and don't want to deal with it anymore that it's time to place them in a home, go visit everyday, etc. As many of us get abused by our elderly parents and it's not right.

My Mom thinks I am her worse enemy and adores my two drug addict brothers. Go figure. My husband will be caring for her while I am at work. But, believe me, I'll know when it's time to place her and that's what I'll do without any guilt.
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Your Mom is blessed to have you and your husband to look after her best interests and yours. Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope.

My Mom is soon moving by me, not with me. I will be her caregiver and advocate. She will see her husband whom she hasn't seen since December, who is in a wonderful care facility, and doing well. I am blessed to have options, because my home isn't one for them, unless there's some unforeseen emergency. Anybody want a beautiful Golden Retriever? I'm going to temporarily place her until Mom is settled. If she can find a place to accept her, fine. If not, we go to plan B. Mom's bird will get to visit "Daddy" at the Nursing Home. That my not be permanent. I'd love it if "Teddy" would just "fly away." I won't take Mom's pets away, but I may not be able to accommodate them, either. I don't any longer care (secretly I do) if Mom likes me or not. Neglect is not an option, and she gets what she gets (me). I am my Mom's feisty firstborn, so she gets what she helped raise, plus who God is rebuilding, by his mercy. If she doesn't behave, she stews in her own juices, so to speak. I told her from the beginning that things will go well according to how well she works with me. When she can't, my compassion and God's grace take over, one day at a time.
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My thanks to all of you for your input and caring. MaggieSue, I can't tell you how much you helped... I looked up information on NPD and OH MY GOD it's my mother! It was so liberating to read something substantive that helped me lay to rest the idea that if I just kept trying harder and doing more things would change for the better. Now I know that it's just not the way it works. No, she hasn't been professionally diagnosed, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck... *shrugs*. My therapist agrees with me, lol, so I'm thrilled. Anything to finally have some peace of mind. Oh, and I ordered the book you recommended, as well. Thank you again :)

I hope all of you with problems similar to mine get the help you need so you can have some of the stress taken off your shoulders. It's a very difficult situation to be in.
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Hi Nola,

I had the same reaction when I first learned about NPD. Liberated is a good word.

It's tough having an NPD parent because it takes a lifetime to evaluate the warped ideas she presents and relearn your own thinking and behavior. The parts the NPD parent doesn't like about herself she projects onto her children. It's hard to know what's yours and what's hers.

Glad to know you are on a new course. I wish you continued peace and happiness. Let me know how you are progressing.
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I am sure that the husband has a personality disorder besides bi-polar because he can turn it on and off I usually get the brunt of it and I just will not go to see him while he treats mee bladly-Dr. Phil says we teach others how to treat us- and I know it is my fault so now I have to seperate my self from him because just telling him he needs to respect me does not work- he called me today to help him move into another room in the nursing home and I said I would not be doing that.
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Hello All,

Well everything worked out with moving my Mom from CA to GA. I did not have to give her a sedative and she was very cooperative and ready to go.

I thank God that he has answered my prayers, and my husband will be caring for my Mom as he's retired and I am still working. All that I will have to do is to give her a shower every other day, keep her hair cleaned and change her colostomy bag.

Thank God
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Yes, thank God for answered prayer. Blessings to you and yours!
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Hi Nola,

I too am at the end of my rope as you so expertly put it. My mother is 86 years old and in a progressing state of dementia/ alzheimers. She is driving myself and my sister up the wall. I have high blood pressure which i take medication for, being in the same room as my mother causes my BP to rise, i can physically feel it, she makes me sooo angry..i feel like washing my hands of her at the moment for my sanity and my health, i sometimes feel she will outlive me, cos i swear i am going to collapse with a stroke or a heart attack brought on by her winding me up to such an extent and my BP raising, i am 43 years old.
The cause of all this upset is this, my mother is deaf ( another thing she would not admit and NOT get a hearing aid for ), she is very bad on her legs, she is extrememly confused ( she states she is 56, she is 86) , she repeats everything 20 to 30 times in one conversation, she babbbles on about rubbish, cuts through conversations because she cant hear whats going on so starts her own conversation, which most of the time is totally unrelated to what is being discussed.
She as always been a very selfish poor little me person, but with dementia she is a nightmare.
Recently my sister and I have been trying to talk to my mum about going in sheltered accomodation (a liitle flat with a buzzer and a warden), we are becoming increasingly worried that in the state she is in, she is an accident waiting to happen, i and my husband work full time and my sister lives a while away. So her living in a warden controlled enviroment would give us all peace of mind. She flatly and stubbornly refuses to budge on the subject, she refuses point blank to leave her house, even though i have explained the dangers, she said if she fell "its just something we would have to cope with" who is this we??? ME !!!!.
She rings me, never says who it is and just yells down the phone "How are you?" then when i reply she cant hear me, so whats the point in ringing me??? she wont wear her hearing aid either...for years she told me she wasnt deaf it was me who mutters !!
At the moment i am considering walking away from her completely, she p*** me off so much!!! I apologise for ranting!
And the best bit, social services here in the UK told my sister nobody can intervene or help with my mother until she as gone to a doctor with one of us and admits she has problems and needs help! She cant remember one conversation from the next how the hell do they expect her to say yes I have a problem...! she wouldnt remember saying it! I am just so angry and frustrated with this at the moment i am sorry to have ranted, although i must admit its nice to rant and get it out!

Thanks for reading and listening

(I am not a nasty person, i am just at the end of my patience)

Tracey x
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Rant away, my dear. We're listening, and we understand. You'll land, but at the moment it may seem like "which way?" Such as is common to man, I'm afraid, and we're in this together. I'd rant, too, but getting tired of it. So, gotta go, but I'll be watching for your posts. Remember, when you're at the end of your rope, that's where faith comes in. It's the evidence of things not seen. I'll be praying for you and your sis.
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Thanks Anne the thing is ive lost my mum, she is here but she isnt here, i cannot have a conversation with her, because its all eh? what? who? yes when she should be saying no, and vice versa, i cant even have a conversation about something as simple as the weather! she cant hear me and it goes in one ear and straight out the other...Trying to teach her anything electrical (digi box for eg) is like trying to shovel snow in a snow drift!
She as never worked full time in her life so cannot comprehend that when she phones and i dont answer IM NOT IN ! i am at work! she then accuses me of ignoring the phone. Which if i am 100% honest i have done, but through the day between 8.30 and 5 i am working...she turns up at my house unannounced and just sits there making this clicking noise with her nails and asking the same questions over and over and over...and i mean the same questions about the same subject i answered 5 minutes previous.
I am so glad there are like minded people in this group, if i have a moan at work or to friends all i get is "Aww you cant talk like that she is your mum after all " if one more person says that i swear i will flip! I feel like saying tell ya what have her, they would bring her straight back.
The trouble is aswell, both me and my siblings have issues with our mum over events in our childhood, to be frank my mum was a "piece of work", so i have all that anger brewing & festering aswell as all the frustration she now causes me.
I am ranting again im sorry :-)
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Ranting allowed, remember? So rant away. Hear ya loud and clear, and it's a ranting party, so know that, and don't forget it. Rant it all out. We all do, believe me. And then we rant some more. Some call it venting, if you want to do it on that thread. LOL Or make up a ranting thread if you want! FOFL And my Mom's a piece of work and getting more like scrambled pieces. Will catch you on the flip side, cuz I'm driving 200 to see her right now tonight...for an early AM appointment downstate. So keep ranting, because there's lots of people listening. And you'll be a blessing to someone else who's struggling just like you. Talk with you again, soon. :)
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Tracy- girlfriend rant as much as you want most of us do some call it venting or like me pissing and moaning you see we can get it out of our systems here and not inflick it on our families so come on anytime -you have understanding folks here- we have heard it all and can understand Anne what is FOFL- this old lady never saw that and I do not want to ask the granddaughter she already thinks I was born in the 1800's and you are such a nice person and so encourageing you are a blessing to me to read your post
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Hi Nola, when I was ready to drop my mom to the curb at the mental facility in town. They first told me that in order for her to be admitted she needed to be examined at the emergency room and diagnosed. BEFORE this takes place you must have a POA or Guardianship so they will do as you ask. Fortunately for me mom asked me to help her when she knew she was going south', and we went to a attorney and did the POA and the Living Trust.
Turns out mom suffered her whole life from Anxiety and Depression! The family lived with it, so we did not know any different, or what could be done.
Once she was on the correct meds (several attempts to see what works the best)
she appears 'normal'. You have our prayers. Jerome
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TracyH Hi, I hope this helps, Your mom is alive and fighting against elements she cannot control and hardly understands. You will have to put on the emotional raincoat and let all the buttons she is trying to push go 'neutral. Sounds like she always enjoyed controlling everything including her kids. Like water off a ducks back, the water can always be directed, even if you cannot stop it. You will miss her words in a strange sort of way when she can no longer speak to you. Just try to be kind without buying into her manipulation when you cool down and relax. I bet everyone here has sibling issues galore, and like eating an elephant, you can only eat one bite at a time. I have been taking care of my parents for 19 years and believe that everything happens for a reason. Keep BREATHING, and you'll be fine. How you choose to react to your mom is up to you. Try something different, you may be surprised how well it works. And if it doesn't try something else. Jerome.
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Thanks so much everyone, i walked my dog this morning feeling completely drained, and I said to my hubby when I got homeI just wanted today to left alone, not by him or my kids but by my mother...all went well at work..then i came home..within five minutes of walking in she was on my doorstep ranting on the door...the reason? she had brought a dirty old dressing gown and some slippers for my daughter! Basically she had found some excuse to come down, and then off she went down the street...Its like having a stalker, she knows when I am going t be in, doesnt give a sh** that I have just walked in from work and i am mentally and physically exhausted!
I am going to make an appointment tomorrow to see my GP, and explain that my mum is also her patient and that my mum is stressing me out, raising my BP ( which my GP is aware I have) and I am going to ask for help...If my GP doesnt help me she will be seeing me a lot more, either with my BP through the roof or with something worse. I cannot take much more. All I wanted tonight was a quiet evening and an early night, and again I havent sat down till 7.30, and again my head is pounding...
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Tracey, first of all if she is doing that to your health, and she has always been like that caring for her is going to be really difficult.

Let me share a story with you.... some of you have heard it. For the past year my mother started calling me so frequently that I came yeah close to having my phone number changed. I couldn't stand hearing her selfish behaviors and it was destroying our household.

One night we had a severe storm. It got pitch black out. Tornado weather for sure. I was just getting ready to head to my basement with my husband and the dog, when my mother called. She said she was scared, which I completely understood. But I told her to head to the basement. (She could walk just fine) She started begging me and pleading with me to come over. I simply told her, "Mom if I leave to help you and I'm killed I can't help you. Do you want me to die?" She screamed yes to me and slammed down the phone.

My own mother wanted me dead. I vowed from that day I would not lose my health over her. From the assistance of my counselor he also explained that I can not get blood from a stone. So it is with my mother.

I have provided the best health care for my mother possible. Dad provided for her very well in having excellent health insurance (even now), and now for their provisions for living in assisted living. I placed my parents in an excellent facility that speaks to my mother's meticulous taste in decor and that also provides excellent care for my father as an Alzheimer's patient.

I have done all I can for them both. My mother made her choices in life, but one thing I had to come to realize as well. My father permitted my mother to behave that way her entire life. Both are equally responsible for each other's behavior. I cannot change that. But what I can change is my outlook on life, take care of myself and make sure I work on my marriage.

I encourage you to rest, get healthy, and take care of your marriage first. Your caregiving even if you choose to be distant (emotionally) will still be a lot of work, but at least you can know in your heart of hearts that you have done all possible.

Just a penny or some change for your thoughts. ;)
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Whatever your mom's real diagnosis is, the point is that you are taxing your own health which should really be your #1 top priority. It is quite clear that you cannot go on this way and be able to live out your own life with any kind of true happiness, something you definitely deserve.

If I were you, I would look into the possibility of hiring a caretaker to come to your house and basically assume your role, or better yet, having your mom move into a safe, comfortable assisted living facility or nursing home.

I could never continue going through what you are! It could be dementia...an exaggeration of her own personality. This happened to a friend's mother. She verbally abused my friend for too many years, and is now so much worse.....but thankfully, she lives in some kind of nursing facility.

Good luck with everything, and at the very least for now, make sure you have at least a half an hour or more time to yourself everyday. This is essential for you at this time so you don't get really sick.
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Worth it's weight in gold! Thanks, Mitzi and Jerome. Voices of wisdom and practicality in uncertain situations. So encouraging to hear your experiences, strength and hope. Share the source, and that will help others more. For example, our wisdom comes from above, and not ourselves. He guides and directs. For wisdom, God. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. God is in control
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Our parents aren't in control, and neither are we. God is. We have to act on God's leading, knowing that faith without works is dead. And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward...
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Great advice mitzi! I am having trouble dealing with the guilt of not being emotionally attached anymore. I was very close to my dad, but he is now someone I don't know anymore, or even like. His situation has put such a strain on my marriage, and family life, and I feel so resentful for it. I just can't wait to get him into AL or nursing facility, and I feel horrible for feeling this way, and that I am failing the test the Lord has given me, and that he will not forgive me for it. My dad was always there for me, and I feel I am letting him down.
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Dear goodaughter, another voice of reason and practicality. Rubber meets the road here. Do we sacrifice ourselves for another? As the questions was asked previously: and who cares for the one we were when we're gone? Take care, all.
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