I’m at the end of my rope, any advice on how to either keep my mother or my head glued on.

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Well, my sister just sent me the link to this site. I was amazed at some of what I read. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles.

I have a mother that is relatively young (68), legally blind and diabetic. I moved her from San Antonio to my town in Missouri last year so that I could help her get her life back in order. I had been financing her life for the 7 or so months prior to the move (rent, food, etc.), paid for her bankruptcy (her 3rd, mind you), moving expenses, blah blah blah. It had grown to an insane amount of money in a very short period of time. I figured that it was better to move her up here where I could help keep an eye on her spending, her health, and all the rest. I was WRONG.

She lived with me the first two months, and the fact that one of us isn't buried in my back yard is a miracle. She has, in the span of a year and a half, taxed my emotional health and finances to the point that I'm about ready to divorce her, so to speak. There are never any sincere thank you's from her, no attempts on her part to either be more responsible with her money or to take better care of her health... and if I try to prod her in the right direction in either area, I am locked in combat with a woman who uses guilt trips and verbal abuse as a means to ending an argument that she can't win in any other way. She is constantly angry, self-pitying, selfish, and demanding. She expects me to spend my time, no matter what, taking her on whatever errands she needs to run, even though the Area Agency on Aging has told her repeatedly that they will provide her with free taxi vouchers to take her to whatever 'necessary' (they qualified this as grocery store, doctor, social security office, etc.) errands she needs to run. But she told me point blank that I'm her daughter and that's what I'm there for... that she shouldn't have to do things on her own just to 'make my life easier'. She destroyed the carpet in my guestroom when she was here for two months (brand new house) and feels no guilt about it at all.

I've got a lot of old anger issues with my mother, most regarding things that she put me through when I was growing up (physical, verbal, emotional abuse... neglect... blah blah blah), but I've still tried to do the right thing and care for her as well as I could. But that being said, I don't know how much longer I can continue having her in my life when she just seems intent on sucking me both financially and emotionally dry. Up until two months ago, I was still paying her rent every month at her apartment, buying her groceries, etc., and then found out that while I'm doing all that because she's 'broke', she was buying out QVC and sees nothing wrong with it. She refuses to manage her diabetes the way she's supposed to, eating a half-gallon of ice cream at a time and then going off on me when I tell her I'm concerned about her health and don't want her to eat that way. I get the same reaction when I tell her I want to help her clean up her space (she lives in filth and an unbelievable amount of clutter. Seriously unbelievable.) so that she can be happy and healthy. She's on all kinds of medication for her heart, her diabetes, her migraines, etc., but my sympathy is almost completely used up because so many of these issues are issues she wouldn't have, or not to the degree she does, if she'd just LISTEN and take care of herself.

*sighs*

I'm really sorry to go on like this, but I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty if I leave her to her own devices, but it honestly feels like she's killing me bit by bit every day. When confronted, she plays up the 'everyone's picking on me' angle, since she thrives on being the victim. She lies to everyone, she... God, what am I going to do? I don't want to hate her, but I'm afraid that that's what I'm going to be left with if something doesn't change. I have two siblings, one who tries to help as and when she can and one that does absolutely nothing. The one that does nothing? Mom still defends and dotes on HER. Isn't that always the way?

Any advice at all on how to either help my mother or keep my head glued on would be most welcome. Again, sorry for the length of my post.

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You are indeed a "loving daughter". She is so lucky to have you. Take care, and prayers to you and yours.
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I too am at the end of my rope. Mom was listening in on my conversation with my brother! He actually called and wanted to talk to me. That was a big surprise. He said that he knew how hard this was on me and if I thought it was time , I should put her in a nursing home. My response was that it was not just my decision but his too. We are getting close to that day. I figure that about in a year, we will come to that crossroad. Meanwhile, I try to keep her happy and take care of her to the best of my ability. Thanks for being there for me and for all of us.
Linda
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OOps! Sorry about that. I know, it's outrageously expensive. My own dad will have to spend down to medicaid eventually. Right now, it's going to cost him around 3,500 to 4,000 a month, basic. If I wasn't at the end of my own rope, I would consider taking care of him 24/7 myself, and charging him. I could make sure he had THE best care ever. I'm hoping the best for you and yours. Take care.
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There are no facilities in the area that take people with colostomy bags, and the one facility that does is $5,000 a month and she can't afford that.
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Dear mqflowers, it sounds as if things are really stressful for you. I feel for you. Does your mom remember when your birthday is? If she does, you are lucky. My dad does not remember my birthday anymore, or anyone elses. He sees the birthday celebration going on, and does not have a clue it's someone's birthday, yesterday my youngest daughter turned 13. Do you think he had a clue? No! You are so lucky you and your hubby can go out once a week. I can't, no one else to watch dad. He thinks he doesn't need watching, LOL. My dad is going into assisted living in one week. I can't wait! But again, at the same time, I feel as if my child is going off to college or something, LOL. I guess, it's because he has been living with me 24/7 for the past year. Don't worry sweetie, you hang in there. And if you can't, you must place your mom. Take care, and God Bless You!
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I feel for every last one of you. This caregiver thing makes you numb. I was so pissed off yesterday, as it was my birthday and all my Mom said to me was "Happy Birthday."

I have to change her SH_T bag (colostomy) on a daily basis and that's all she seems to depend on me for. She did not even give me anything for my birthday, but gave my SIL $100 on her birthday and gave she and my brother $200 on their anniversary. Me and my husband get nothing from her and she now lives with us and we care for her, because my brother ended up back in jail. Both brothers are crack heads and she lifts them up to the ceiling. But me, she acts as if I am nothing.

As soon as I got in the house yesterday, my birthday, she started calling me and wanting me to do things. Then she said, "I smell something" and of course that was the cue to empty her bag. As my husband won't do that part of it, but he does the caregiving during the day. Then she wants to hug and kiss me, but never said anything about giving me anything for my birthday.

I've tried many times to spill my heart, talk to my Mom and tell her how I feel and how she does more for her sons than me and she says that she doesn't understand what I am talking about. It's amazing.

I am so sick and tired of being treated this way. I am bless to have my my own family (my husband and my kids), because if I didn't have them and God I would be crying everyday.

THIS IS WHY WE MUST TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES FIRST. ME AND MY HUSBAND GO OUT ON A DATE EVERY FRIDAY JUST TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND BE TO OURSELVES AND IT HELPS.
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People with dementia can be so good at "covering." - I'm thinking of Austin here. My mother was like that. I got the "bad daughter" thing a lot from her friends who only saw her once a month, or so. Even, sometimes from professionals. Why was she in a nursing home? She didn't have dementia, did she? Of course the people who took care of her everyday (with my assistance) knew perfectly well why she needed nursing care day and night. It was amazing how well she could cover for a short period of time. I think they might get an adreneline rush or something. Anyway, it is horribly frustrating for the caregiver.

Take care,
Carol
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Forgetfulness is a sign of early dementia but there is more to it. Your doc will administer a memory test to set a baseline. Then the patient will be matched to that baseline as their memory declines. There are also medical tests too. Jerome.
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I am trying to catch up with all the posts, there must be 75 or so notices so bear with me. I can tell you, when you are ready to drop your loved one at the door of the looney bin, you are ready to take them to the ER. I my case, I was saved by taking mom to the ER as they had a ready handle to diagnose her condition (extreme anxiety)and medicate her for it. It kept her in the real world and not the looney bin.
Jerome.
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I feel for you Austin, I hate hearing people being treated that way. I don't know ab out the forgetfulness, it's happening to me I'm blaming it on hormones though.Who knows with me I could be loosing it too lol.
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