My brother-in-law who lives across the country just called and said his mother was complaining she is lonely and doesn't see us for days on end! She lives next door!

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I am so frustrated right now. About a month ago we bought the house next door so my mother in law with early alzheimers could live there and feel independent yet we could still take care of her. We are there several times a day and she comes here. My brother in law who lives across the country just called and said his mother was complaining she is lonely and doesn't see us for days on end! We cook dinner every night and either take it to her house and eat with her or she comes to ours. Our front door is literally steps away. I know it is not her fault and is part of the disease but how to get distant family members to understand is so frustrating! We are disrupting our whole lives to make things work for her and still end up the bad guy! So frustrated!

My mother-in-law is complaining to my brother-in-law that she doesn't see myself and my


I would take some great photos of your meals and time together with her. Not only will it be good for them to know this, but you'll end up with a pretty nice photo album to enjoy over time.
Boy can I relate to this.

All I can suggest is maybe getting a doctors note explaining what stage Alzheimers she is in and also send some pamphlets from the Alzheimers society to yours sibling and brother in law to help educate them a little on the disease. I understand your frustration. I have the same problems with my siblings. They just don't get it even though you are working your a$$ off to help your parent and take care of yourself, and your own family too. Sometimes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Sad but true. I have the same dilemma even though I have made many pleas to my siblings. I feel like I am sinking in to quicksand.
Please don't take it personally.
If your brother inlaw is concerned he will visit. That may be why your MIL lied to see if it would work & he would visit. Sometimes as they age they get these "schemes" going & think they can/have to manipulate people. It can be very hurtful to those that are caring for them, but don't let it be hurtful to you. If you take it personally you can become quite bitter over time and destructive to your relationships.
My mother laid out some truely "elaborate plans" to get sympathy from others and humilliate me. For whatever twisted reason they do no mind & defend yourself only when required. Photos are a good idea just in case you are required in the future. Accusations happen and it's wise to be prepared if she has the tendancy to fabricate....
Thanks so much for everyone's kind words and ideas. Photos are a great idea! Cead! You summed it up exactly! Now tonight we had a very enjoyable time looking at old pictures etc. I guess the good side of a failing memory is we can do it again tomorrow night because she won't remember and enjoyed it so much tonight! My brother in law was very taken back when I could talk to him without yelling and told him that his Mom continually tells US that he never calls. She does that continually though we know it isn't true. Hopefully that will put it in perspective the next time she tells him things. I also calmly gave him the list of the things we do daily for her. Meds, dinner, shopping, cleaning, etc. I told him any time he feels he would like to take it on we will fly her out there. He backtracked immediately. :) Again, thanks for all your support! I really am glad I found this site.
My mother-in-law will tell me that she never hears from her second son. When I know for a fact that he called her earlier in the same day. Since her short term memory has gone AWOL, no one takes that kind of talk seriously anymore, we're wise to it.
She's not lying, she's not being troublesome, she just can NOT remember anymore. So don't take it personally, your brother-in-law is just concerned and since he's not there and privy to her dementia woes he has to say something. Just tell him to run these things past you first before he gets all upset, and you'll clue him in. No biggie.

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